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Original poster

Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

699 replies

MusicForTheMasses · 07/06/2012 21:06

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 09/06/2012 11:47

It's the end, I found e-mails about how he wants to leave us. He's already on family number 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 09/06/2012 11:48

Have told my friend. H doesn't know that I know yet. Going to text him in a minute telling him not to come home tonight. Got to tell my mum. :-(

OP posts:
Mrsgorgeous · 09/06/2012 11:53

The emails I found were sexually explicit from her...not nice

ChildofIsis · 09/06/2012 11:53

I feel for you Music.
I've been in a similar situation.

Just take it one step at a time and make sure you have some rl support.
Don't make any major decisions whilst it's all so raw.

Good luck.

Oogaballoo · 09/06/2012 11:55

That's awful about the email saying he wants to leave. Despicable.

I'm really, really sorry to bring this up when you have so many other things to think about, but are you able to access your savings- the bank accounts and so on? Do you have your own accounts that he doesn't have access to? If you don't I'd get one as soon as possible. No matter what he says in reply to your text it is important to start looking out for you and your children financially and preparing for the worst, just in case.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 09/06/2012 11:55

This sounds mad but how do I tell him that I know? Was going to text 'I know about xxxx, don't bother coming home tonight if you have any respect for me'

OP posts:
Oogaballoo · 09/06/2012 12:00

I think that sounds okay, but I would lean towards not including the "if" bit and make it more firm. "I know about xxx, don't come home tonight- you need to find somewhere else to stay." Otherwise he might just show up anyway to "explain".

perfumedlife · 09/06/2012 12:02

Oh god Music, I'm so very sorry. He doesn't have respect for you by doing this so I wouldn't include that line. Wouldn't you rather say it over the phone, to hear his reaction? Otherwise he has time to come up with more lies?

Offred · 09/06/2012 12:02

Depends what you want him to do. Do you want him to leave in a temporary way or permanently. Can you drop him some clothes at his parents' or something? I might say "I know about xxx, I need space, don't come home, I will drop some clothes at y, I will contact you again when
I have had time to think, don't contact me in the meantime, I don't want to speak to you right now"

FermezLaBouche · 09/06/2012 12:02

What a horrible shock for you - how could he behave like this?
I would text him exactly what you've suggested here. Then pack up his things. Have you got someone to be with you?

Mrsgorgeous · 09/06/2012 12:03

I simply texted him her name.

You could just say that you know his intentions to leave

Thinking of you

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 09/06/2012 12:03

He doesn't speak to his parents so doesn't have anywhere to go. Will pack some things for him tomorrow.

OP posts:
PissyDust · 09/06/2012 12:04

I forwarded some of the emails I had taken from his laptop that he had sent ow with a message along the lines of "respectable? Don't you dare come back to the house, I have taken a bag of stuff to your mums and told her why"

I was very Angry first which helped at first and then I was deeply Sad so wish I had known about MN back then.

PissyDust · 09/06/2012 12:07

X post. Do you know who she is, does she know he is married?

Offred · 09/06/2012 12:07

If he comes to get stuff tomorrow you might cave. I think you need to pull back and think about it without hearing any of his BS. If you tell him to go, leave a bag on the doorstep then make it clear that you do not want to speak to him at all or see him then you can call the police if he pesters.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/06/2012 12:07

Oh god, poor you. Is it someone from work? :(

What an absolute bastard, I'm so sorry.

Xales · 09/06/2012 12:08

Really sorry your worries seem to be true.

First thing I would say is get all the paperwork you need together, scanned or copied and safely out of the house. His payslips, bank accounts, credit cards, mortgage/house paperwork, passports, etc. I am sure others can give you a more exhaustive list.

Do you think he will be nasty and strip bank accounts? If so protect them before you let him know or shift 50% out into a separate account for yourself.

Once you have all that. Try and have a cup of tea and some toast or something if you are struggling it will help clear your head.

Can you get the children off to a friend/family member in case he does come back and you end up arguing?

Is he with her now do you think? If he is then I would just call him and say 'tell XXX you can stay with her tonight and every other night you will hear from my solicitors in due course.' I am a bitch though and if you think there is a chance of staying together you may just want to let him know that you know he is with XXX and not be as nasty as I would be.

Ask him for some space. It clearly isn't hard for him to stay away. If he doesn't want to go you can decide if you want him back or not. You have to take time now to decide what you want. That is your choice not his. Whatever you decide is your right. Do not be pushed into making a decision or into making the wrong one.

Good luck look after yourself and give your DC a hug.

PS if you have been sleeping together please pop to an STI clinic Sad

Grrrr · 09/06/2012 12:08

Oogaballoo is right.

Stop for a minute and think about your finances before you alert him to the fact that you know what he has been up to and is planning.

Did he put you in the picture about wanting to leave ? No, so take the time to plan your future a little before you give him reason to start separating himself from the family financially as well as emotionally.

He might panic and temporarily wipe out savings/joint finances leaving you in a difficult position having to beg him for funds.

Protect yourself and the children as much as you can financially before you let him know and then I second the advice to ask him to move out for a month so that you can decide clearly what you want to do. It's not about him deciding anymore.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 09/06/2012 12:18

We havent got any finances as such lol, only debts, will ut the joint money into my account though.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 09/06/2012 12:18

Music: MEN HAVING AFFAIRS LIE. An affair is inherently a deceit.

Do not assume for an instant that Misshoneytwat is any closer to the real him, than you are.

So stop, calm down, get all your ducks in a row first.

  1. text him and tell him not to come home. If you have a chain, put it on.
  2. Get copies of ALL paperwork you are going to need.
  3. If he is serious about leaving (they say all sorts of things to get those legs open) then leaving the marital home is not a good idea.

Talk to us! What are you thoughts, intentions? Do you have children? And, were you the reason his first marriage ended?

Queenofcake · 09/06/2012 12:18

Dont text or call him to tell him you know. Wait until he is back or get him home under another guise.

Then just be frank and simply say "I know about ...".

Thats it. One sentence. No shouting. No drama.

So sorry you are going through this. Keep porting the support on here is amazing.

arthriticfingers · 09/06/2012 12:18

Yes, finances, finances, finances.
Lawyer up ASAP - while you are still angry and can hold it together.

Original poster
MusicForTheMasses · 09/06/2012 12:24

Yes I was the reason ABitWobblyNow and it's only now 15 years on that I can see he played me exaclty the same way as he is playing this woman. The things he has said to her about me are exaclty what he told me about his first wife (although I think they were as bad as eah other, she was with her Best Friends hubby within a month).

I have texted him. No reply yet. Luckily one of my friends is a Solicitor and has their own pratice. Don't know how much they will charge though.

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ImperialBlether · 09/06/2012 12:24

I think it's his problem where he spends tonight.

If he is saying he wants to leave you then make his dream come true.

If I were you I wouldn't say exactly how you know - I'd just send a text saying "I know about X. Your bags are in the garage. You don't live here any more."

He will minimise it - if he doesn't know how you know, then it keeps you in a position of control.

Offred · 09/06/2012 12:27

No! Don't let him back in if you want to make him go, it'll make it ten times harder. Advice about money is sound.