Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

OP, do you call him late at night? Does he tell you which hotel he's staying in? I wouldn't be convinced about staying over if there's only an hour's drive (different if he's working away) because in my experience you always sleep better in your own bed and that hour's drive can be useful in that it allows you to think about the evening and how it went, if it was work related.

Thanks all. I do appreciate all your replies.

I'm another one who didn't trust her instincts. It's not a mistake I will ever make again.

I would also suggest lots of talking about your relationship/his work etc and not accusing unless you have proof.

I became ill because my instincts (which I wasn't recognising as instincts) were so at odds with what I saw. I felt like I was going mad.

Same here ImperialBlether it was a relief to find out that I wasn't paranoid and that my gut was right all along .. it was a very stressful time

Tell him you miss him when he's away overnight, could him make an effort to get home to you and the DC's? His reaction may give you a clue.

Same here on not trusting instincts. Wish I had.

Can you check his emails? a facebook? How about his call records, he may not have thought to delete those.

I didn't have any gut feelings or instincts and trusted him implicitly. His work meant commuting to other end of country and abroad and I still trusted him. Frequently he had to entertain clients nearer to home with many colleagues staying in hotels - too drunk to drive home etc.

So I was shocked to the core to discover secret texts from someone saying 'I love you' and 'I want to be with you too'. He ended it as soon as he was found out - long story - boring to anyone else.

Only thing was that I kind of knew our relationship had gone cold a bit, talked less, did less together. An overall cooling down - but nothing at all to point to an affair.

However it doesn't matter what anyone here thinks - we all have our stories to tell. You need to talk to him in a non accusatory way. He may be relieved for you to want to get things back to 'normal'. Tell him you appreciate all that he is doing for you and family but you both need to refocus on being a couple again etc.
Good luck xx

I just need to warn you that big promotions like you describe are a stressor for affairs. I think it is a mixture of them feeling on top of the world and also very anxious about whether they are up for it, and that triggers the acting out.

Hector, how did you get over it? I would love to know.

Still don't understand why he would stay at a hotel, surely a cab home would be cheaper or not much of a difference. Thats the biggie in this for me.

Me too Hector.Sorry to hijack but did you stay together and did things improve?Just curious as I too trusted him completely and was a shocked to the core.And looking back there were no red flags or reasons to be suspicious.We were both just a little weary,not with each other,just life in general I think.

Checked his work laptop as he's f*ed out for the day and all my fears have been realised. Just e-mailed copies to myself so he can't try and weazle out of it. Going to talk to a friend now while I work out what to do.

Oh no I'm so sorry.

Oh no :(

But atleast you do have concrete proof so you know you werent paranoid or crazy, and the ball is in your court now. You can decide what happens, dont let him try to take control, what happens now is YOUR choice and yours alone.

Keep posting here, I and (sadly) many many others on MN have been exactly where you are now. I remember that sick feeling and the flood of adrenaline when I read the texts on his secret phone that confirmed his affair. I felt that my world had fallen apart. MN kept me going, and we will keep you going too.

I was also going to say trust your instincts, but I see I am too late. Hope,you and dc ok. Stay strong

Sorry to hear OP. I admire your presence of mind re. sending yourself the emails and taking time out for yourself to adjust to what must be a real shock. I hope you work out what to do for the best. x

so sorry for you, stay strong.

I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. It's horrible but still trust your gut instincts. Your feelings will be all over the place. It's like a trauma. I urge you to get hold of the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass because it's comforting to know that your reactions are 'normal'. Keep posting if you want to as so many of us have been there and can help you out.

Oh Music I am so sorry. We who have walked a mile in your shoes know where you are right now: numb, disbelieving (and exhilarated because I wasn't mad my instincts were right. Did anyone else have that high of relief? Maybe because I had been tortured for so long that finding the truth was just a huge rush).

Who is it? Do you know her?

How are you? Don't tell too many people in RL yet whilst you are all over the place. Best for the moment to keep to cyber friends for support, until you find a counsellor.

Please listen to this piece of advice! Affairs do not necessarily mean the end, and the less your community knows at this time, the less shame you have to deal with later should you try and put it back together.

Also, tbh people who have never been touched by the devastation that is betrayal simply can't get their heads round how annhialating it is. I didn't and couldn't.

But us? We know, and we will be here for you.

I'm so sorry. A lot of people on here ask their husband to leave when they find out he's been cheating, at least for a few months, so they have space to work out what they want. I think it's not a bad plan whether or not you want to continue with the marriage in the long run.

So sorry to hear that, hope you are doing ok.

So sorry op

I also found emails which confirmed my fears. I know how sick and angry you are feeling. Can I suggest that to also send the emails to a friend for safe keeping? I sent them to a good friend and another email address I have. Mind you once confronted he didn't have a leg to stand on.
Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends is amazing. It took me quite some time to actually start to read it as it is so close to the truth but you will find a lot of comfort reading it knowing that you are not alone.
Just like to add that this site has been a godsend to me and I have received good advice from some wonderful people
Best wishes x