Am I being paranoid or could he be having an affair?

[MusicForTheMasses]

I think my husband may be having an affair. There are a number of reasons but nothing I can pinpoint. He had a promotion a few months ago and has started staying away from home on business trips, even though I am sure the person doing the job prior to him never did.

I can feel the distance between us and am always on edge. Partly I think (hope) it could be stress from his new job, but I don't think so.

I've noticed him texting a lot more these days (though not significantly, he has never really done this). I did something I thought I would never do earlier today and checked his phone, all his messages on there have been deleted both incoming and ougoing! He's a technophobe and theres a bit of me that thinks that deleting all his messages would be the only way he knows how to get rid of any incriminating ones.

I've noticed him having real hugs with the kids, not that he was ever a bad Dad but it's just as though he's making up for something.

I don't feel I can talk to someone IRL about this as to do it would be to admit something was wrong. We've just come back from holiday and should feel closer than ever, but I don't.

He's just denied it lol. The wanker

Denied it? What a DICK :(

I got 'What are you talking about?'

Twat

Can I get locks changed?

You are not allowed to technically but I would (and did) anyway tbh.

Disrespectful and dickish. Next it will be the big weeping and wailing when he admits it, combined with some reason it's YOUR fault he was driven to do this. :( I really hope you're ok, it's just so unfair that people do this to other people.

Reply, "Don't insult my intelligence. Your bags are outside the front door. Rain forecast soon."

I imagine he could be on his way home so get that door locked and leave the key in.

I don't think you need to respond at all. He doesn't need to hear what you are thinking right now, he only wants to know so he can work out what lie to tell you. Don't engage.

He's texted what are you on about? Do I let on I've seen his emails?

And so he can find out you read his email and turn it onto you.

I would, you have copies after all, right? And he knows you know, he's just trying to weasel his way out of it.

What offred said. Let him sweat. Don't give him any info. He'll trip himself up soon enough, not that it makes any difference.

NO! Just disengage. You don't owe him anything. Whatever you say he will try to turn it onto you and it will be upsetting and pointless. Just tell him you need space and he cannot come back there. Then change the locks if you want.

Speak to your solicitor friend asap.

If you can then it is harder for him to go to them (and cut you off from them as a friend and solicitor) due to conflict of interest or representing the other!

I think you are right Offred I'm not one for calmness, that will disturb him.

I would tell him you've read the emails. Anything else is game playing (IMO.) Sooner you get a confession (or whatever his evasive version of a confession may be) from him the better. If there really is no two ways of taking the emails he will have to come clean, especially as you've sensibly got copies.

Don't engage with him.

If you talk he will twist what you say and argue it. If you stay quiet he will have to fill the gaps with his own information not knowing how much you do or don't know.

I think that it is harder when you can stay cool and quiet for the other person to wriggle out. If you argue they can chuck all things at you, call you unreasonable, make you cry etc and you feel like you lose are in the wrong when you know full well you are not!

No, dont let him know about the emails, but say that you have incontravertible proof that he is having an affair with X and that he is planning to leave, so to save him the trouble you are kicking him out and she is welcome to him.

It isn't game playing it is futile to talk about this right now. I really think you need to disengage and get some perspective before you have the conversation about how you found out and what he did. He has stated very clearly he is not capable of having a productive conversation about it right now because he is denying it and asking how you know.

Just don't say anything at all that he can come back to. You really need to think about this with a clear head.

Don't reply.

If you have dcs it will be especially important that you don't get drawn into a big angry war. There is always a temptation to do this from the affair haver because it deflects the blame. Just disengage completely, take some time, do not debate with him, make it clear you are not willing to discuss anything with him right now and you need space and then ignore him.

"What are you on about" is a classic delaying tactic. Face-to-face, it's to buy time in order to constrcut a conceivable lie. Similar in a text, except here he wants to see how much you know and how much he will need to lie about.

Thanks all. Kids at friends, my son has tests next week :-( so I don't want them to have an inkling. They are only 10 and 7.