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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

397 replies

almosttoolividforwords · 04/06/2012 20:46

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc Shock. And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double Shock.

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" Shock!

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?" Shock

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!! Angry

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response Angry.
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/06/2012 20:49

tell her to fuck off and never go round again - do not send your children to that poisonous bitch - you are not denying them a grandmother - you are preventing them from being embroiled in some poisonous bitches drama

AuntieMaggie · 04/06/2012 20:51

Ditto what Custardo said!

winnybella · 04/06/2012 20:53

What Custardo said.
Your DH doesn't sound that lovely, either, tbh.

Portofino · 04/06/2012 20:53

Do you have other options for childcare? I think it is less about her trying to undermine you, than having different values. That is perfectly fine - but not if she is providing child care for you.

breaktime73 · 04/06/2012 20:54

absolutely agree with Custardo. You don't have to take this crap from her and your children sure don't need their minds poisoned by an obsessive woman who is trying to prove she's the 'best' carer.

Make clear to her and your apathetic H that they are not to stay with her again and that you want nothing more to do with her. She has no right at all to see dd anyway but you might run into problems re. ds (grandparents rights- yes I know they are not supposed to exist but I know of at least one mner being nagged for contact and residence by a similarly narcissistic and vicious grandmother who thinks she can do it all better). The thing to do is get dd and particularly ds out of her care before she can claim she is a big important part of their lives.

NatashaBee · 04/06/2012 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 04/06/2012 20:55

H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting

This. Is unacceptable.

Oh, and your MIL is a toxic bitch that you should cut out from your life.

Nagoo · 04/06/2012 20:55

Wow she hates you, doesn't she?

How much is she looking after them? You are asking for trouble if she is your main child care. I expect from a financial POV you are going to have to put up with this shit from her until the youngest starts school?

If it was possible at all I'd take my DC back, because she has too much time and influence.

If you can possibly afford it, strip this right back to the odd Sunday afternoon visit, rather than relying on her for regular childcare. She has way too much power for a woman who can't stand you.

Gumby · 04/06/2012 20:56

Your dh is fecking shite saying it's not his business Angry

Nagoo · 04/06/2012 20:57

Oh, and when you stop the DC from going round there, make it about every reason in the world other than the fact that you think MIL is a toxic bitch. If you admit that is the reason, then you are setting yourself up to fall out with your DH bigtime.

MyCatIsAStupidBastard · 04/06/2012 20:57

Yup, Custardo is right. Tell her to F right off and that she is not having any more to do with YOUR children because you cannot trust her to keep her insinuations away from small children.

Nobhead · 04/06/2012 20:58

Tell her to fuck herself and the horse she rode in on Angry what a 5 star evil bitch she is- rottento the core. Your DH needs to borrow a pair and tell her that either she keeps her nasty spiteful opinions to herself or she stays the fuck out of your lives. I shudder to think what utter shite she must be spouting to your impressionable 6 year old DD.

RandomMess · 04/06/2012 21:02

Yes I would reduce your working so she cares for them less and reduce weekend visits too Angry

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/06/2012 21:04

Ditto Custy. Poisonous old hag Shock

Original poster
almosttoolividforwords · 04/06/2012 21:04

I am really really upset about it. Me and H are / were on the verge of probably splitting due to unhappiness on both sides (but he would be perfectly happy if I never questioned him, never got annoyed at him etc! Hmm and now I feel I'm trapped with him in order to stop any residency battles. H would surely go to live there after a split (it's nearer to his work) , maybe that is what she wants?

Now I'm petrified of residency battles with her driving all this in the background.
The chilling thing is, apart from the above and my frequent (but silent) annoyance at her interfering, me and MIL have never really had cross words before. Although there has always been something in the background.

I'm now terrified that she imagines a cosy little family with her and her son reunited and also his son, away from that "nasty manipulative little woman" (what she just texted me there) Hmm.

I actually feel cold and hot and shaking.

I'm considering turning into some stepford wife and trying to 'win' H and stay with him for the sole reason of trying to prevent her from trying anything along those lines if we were to split. No matter how miserable I would be. Better than losing my DC!

I've even thought about quitting work since she and H currently do 4 days childcare a week whilst I work (well H does 3 and she does 1). And at the very least I'm going to reduce my hours to 2 days a week, days which suit H. Both MIL and H are against all childminders Hmm only "allowing" eldest to go to afterschool club and that's it.

The more I post the worse this sounds Sad

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/06/2012 21:05

(referring to OP's MIL, not custy there Wink )

BrianButterfield · 04/06/2012 21:08

I'd be furious. Keep a record of these texts.

FashionEaster · 04/06/2012 21:09

Do you qualify for any help with childcare, wither through working tax credit or child care vouchers, so you are not reliant on your execrable MIL

RandomMess · 04/06/2012 21:11

Blimey yes I would be very careful too and re-establish your self as primary carer and diminish your MIL's role as much as you can.

It's so sad Sad

Confuseddd · 04/06/2012 21:11

Massive sympathies - going through similar right now. Keep the text.
Tell her you won't tolerate disrespectful behaviour. Tell DH to tell her you won't. Repeat if necessary. Ask for an unequivocal apology. Hang on to your dignity by ignoring attempts to drag you into discussion of this - her allegations are groundless.

If she does not get back in her box then, or your DH does not back you, consider further action.

Nobhead · 04/06/2012 21:12

It sounds like there are 3 of you in your marriage- you, DH and his mother. Are all his opinions the same as hers? Is his relationship with her the root of a lot of your issues with DH?

Smurfy1 · 04/06/2012 21:14

My ex MIL was the exact same when I got the courage to leave him she texted me asking "how am I meant to get a grandchild now" She had it all planned out that I was going to work 60 hrs a wk and SHE would bring up my child but she would let me visit WTF

My advis eis run like the fucking clappers

Original poster
almosttoolividforwords · 04/06/2012 21:16

We qualify for I think up to 70% of childcare costs because I work 20 hours currently and not-so-dear H works 30 but we are both on min wage. I know that cause 70% of eldest's afterschool care is paid by Tax Credits. The problem being that H is dead set against childminders or nurseries (his mother is too funnily enough Hmm) and he always says when I suggest it "No way is he going into childcare when me when I'm backshift (most of time) and if not my mum is perfectly able to do it" / "over my dead body is he going to one of those places" (another thing his mum once said to the letter!).

I feel as if I am going crazy or something now Sad. Just realised that MIL said last week she has "helpfully" managed to secure a place for youngest's free 15 hour place when he turns 3 in the nursery in the same street as her house!!!! All I need to do is fill out the forms, she knows the headteacher through her old job, and it will be sorted. Coincidence?

OP posts:
FashionEaster · 04/06/2012 21:18

Ok, your youngest dc nearly qualifies for free nursery funding. Can you afford to pay for nursery in the meantime, under the guise of gradually build up his/her time there? And do you have a family support yourself?

sneezecakesmum · 04/06/2012 21:20

OMG that all awful! I think you are right and she is trying to drive a wedge so that the DC can live with her and your H. She is probably dripping venom into his ear about you whenever she can. Don't know what to advise except be on your guard.