Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

Almost- i have very little of use to add, other than stay strong, you are doing a brilliant job and your MIL is not a suitable carer for your DS.

I just really wanted to suggest you check your MN security settings and perhaps change your password. Just in case.....

Wishing you the best of luck.

Agree with Sundaegirl as well - stop care from MIL on the basis of the texts, if DH asks/complains about childcare, answer, in sweetness and light, that he hadn't wanted to be "in the middle" so you got it sorted without "bothering" him, but of course you had to stop the children seeing MIL because of the things she said to you.

Thanks, my laptop is all passworded to the hilt to get in and MIL wouldn't even know how to switch a computer on!

I'm a bit confused now, but at least I'm less scared.

Went to see 2 different Family Law Specialist Solicitors today and made sure I told both EVERYTHING that has went on, from start.

Both said that there is no way that H (with MIL backing of course) would ever be able to completely cut me out of DS life - at the absolute worst worst case scenario I'd still get good amount of contact. Worst case scenario they think would be that if me and H split we would get shared residency (I'm OK with that as long as he cannot just take him and not return him).

One solicitor was very very firm and stated that with the texts and previous allegations she has made that MIL is subjecting DS to 'parental alienation' (he said basically brainwashing him, as he says a child of not even 3 would not say "You are not my mummy, granny is my mummy" or "I don't love you I love granny" on their own) and that I should separate from H immediately, not allow MIL any contact at all and get an interdict for non-removal with emergency residency order so that H cannot just not return him, lasting a year. Then it would go to court and obviously H would state his case and residency would then be decided by the court order. And then from there contact arrangements. He advised that I should move quickly to do this.

The other solicitor advised me to try first to regain more of a status as main carer if I can do so without conflict because she was aware about DS being there 4 days at present and some Sat overnights may cause issues if he tries to claim as main carer. ie cut the weekend visits out completely, cut work down to 2 days if can. Then if me and H split I will be in better position for negotiating arrangements between us, however because of previous threats I could still likely be granted an interdict to prevent him from not returning DS until arrangements are set up, or court decides on residency.

Both listened very carefully and wrote a lot down, and said no need to make a decision now unless I want to, and to get back to them next week if I would like representation from them.

So slightly more confused now.

The first one seems as if he would fight my corner better, but possibly be taking some risks along the way because he said nothing is guaranteed and he could claim anything in court about me and could be investigations by police, SS etc but that ultimately I'd have nothing to worry about since I have an older child at school with no previous involvement from child protection issues for either child and both thriving.

Although the second one seems to be advocating to proceed more carefully and less aggressively.

Phew. Head is in a pickle.

I'd pick the one who told you about parental alienation.

Look to be honest, your DH sounds like a complete twat. In all likelihood if you split up, pretty soon he'd be living in his mum's house, being the child role and would not want to be caring for the kids as well. He sounds like a big old baby who needs a kick up the arse.

Personally I'd do both things suggested, cut down your hours so you can be with the kids more (because they will need you to be constant when you do split) and move towards a separation over the course of the next few weeks.

And don't feel bad. No-one could make the situation work long term. You just picked a muppet to marry and muppets beget muppets. I'll get better :)

I agree with klaxon, cut down your hours, cut out the weekend visits/overnights - time to visit friends, family, arrange outings etc.

I'd go with the first solicitor though.

As a lawyer, it's great to start out calmly, but you want a total firebrand on your side who will fight and fight hard for you. The first one sounds good to me but I also agree with the others who say at the same time, start taking steps to ensure that you are the main carer.

Good luck.

Yeah I agree big guns needed. I feel sick at the thought of MIL manipulating DS like that.

I'd also drop hours immediately, do as much child care as possible but go with lawyer one. Perhaps wait a month before starting with the legal side of things though.

Good luck OP. You need to start today on a very difficult journey but you will be better for it and so will your kids.

You're doing all the right things OP and I second what others have said - go for the first solicitor but also make all the other moves. I like HereIgo's post - you need to keep momentum here and get things moving fast.

Your less than 3 year old said that? Have you documented this?

Yes my nearly 3 y.o said that and have documented it with the solicitors I saw.

I have spoken to my work and cut my days to 2 days a week as of next week. (vile?) H still at his vile mothers, due back on Sunday night. His phone has been off since yesterday afternoon , so I'm getting nervous about 'breaking the news' that I am cutting my hours and how they will react.

Yes, I have been thinking a lot over this and I think a good plan is to reduce my hours, see if I can get that in without huge fuss, then become established main carer for a while, making sure that DS is only in the sole care of H himself or MIL less than 1/4 of the week at the most. Then can pursue the legal side with a stronger case than has been the case for the past couple of years as I've been working more the past couple of years.

But if they kick up any kind of hell about it, then I will probably have to go down the legal route straight away.

After I saw the lawyers yesterday, I was feeling a bit more positive but now I'm feeling scared again. I think it's at the prospect of telling them that I am reducing my hours.

if your worried about reactions explain it like my work are cutting back so from monday I will only have xyz and am really lucky I still have a job etc etc blame the current climate

That way your not raising suspicions either hun

Is your DS with you or with your DH?

I think your plan is really good, go with the agressive solicitor but go back next week and tell him you've already cut hours so you care for DS 5 days a week now. You're doing all the right things, but I think the suggestion of saying that they've cut your hours because of the bad market at the moment is a good one.

There is a lot of support here if you need it :)

I agree if it's at all possible say that work has cut your hours and it will be a good thing that as his mother has pointed out it will give your more time to bond with ds

Be strong and arrange some things at the weekends so the dc can't go to his mums anywhere near as much or go with them.

"I'm having more time with my children. They're only young once. Come on, off we go to the park..."

See your family and friends much more.

Plan outings.

Sign up to activities/groups.

Dcs will love it.

Don't forget, your 3yo is probably feeling confused about what is being said to him. His main love is for you and it must be horrible to have that contradicted by what his gran is saying.

So good to cut the contact as much as possible to ensure that your relationship with him remains as strong as possible.

Your mil sounds utterley vile and controlling, cut back or eradicate the hours kids spend with her before she takes over completely.
My mil is toxic and i have slowly cut back because she was teaching my dcs bad manners and to disprespect people.
She was never happy that i had a child from a previous relationship either, allow i never found out about this until recently and im hurt that she took dc1 on as a grandaughter for 7 1/2 years and ive found out from family members that she has never accepted her-one instance of this happened when mil was at my house for a dvd night and she blurted out full blast "that child has eyes like its real father", we have had other comments of her too , i dont have the time for her medalling no more & dh now realises theres not a lot he can do to get me to like her now she is so vile, fil has also been a problem of late too.
Don't be worried op, the judge will never rule in her favour, keep all those texts as evidence incase you ever need them.
Brainwashing young children-your mil is a nasty piece of work, it must not continue

almosttolivid I could have written your post.

My children were roughly the same age when I banned contact with MIL.

it was the best thing I ever did.

They barely remember the toxic dysfunctional woman now.

It Can be done.

Hope you're ok & agree - you must get toxic MIL out of DCs lives.

How are you doing, OP? I hope telling your H about the drop in hours went OK

I'm OK. No way is MIL getting the DC this weekend.

But now I have another conundrum to the mix . . . . . .

I have just been offered this afternoon my DREAM JOB. I had applied before any of this was going on and never thought I'd get it. It's a pay rise (even taking into account it is less hours than I'm doing at the moment) , permanent position instead of temp I'm on at the moment, much better conditions, in the sector I've been striving for years to work in. However on the phone they said the hours are 4.30pm-9pm 3 days a week - in terms of hours it's considerably less hours than I'm doing at the moment so good for the residency thing in that case, it makes it impossible for H to watch them whilst I'm working (he starts 6pm). DD's afterschool childminder I've known for years and who lives nearby has said she can do the hours 4pm - 9.30pm for me. So I broached that subject with H earlier on and at first he seemed reasonable and said give me a couple of hours to think about it, but later on said no way, his son is not going to a childminders at all, never mind til that time of night (even if only 3 days). Then he went to work, he was annoyed and said "you should be prioritising children but I know you'll just do what you want anyway!"

So yes - conundrum - do I take the dream job but knowing that it will cause hell with H and possibly cause him to try to take DS to his mothers those 3 nights when I'm at work so he can go to work (instead of cut his own hours) or start hassle around contact if we split. Or do I leave it and pass it by and stick to cutting hours in my own (less pay, temp) job?

I have no idea. Head in a total pickle and need to accept offer (or not) soon. On one hand I think just stick to the previous plan, but on the other I am really really angry and frustrated that they (esp MIL) have been bullying me for years, every opportunity I've had they have obstructed, holidays with my DC on my own I've not been "allowed" by being very abusive and controlling, to take them for vaccinations, it's not worth the hassle of trying to have friends as I get grief for having certain friends around DS etc, and this is a really great chance. So part of me thinks - just go for it and put them with the childminder until 9.30pm those nights and tell him tough and just do it. Just keep repeating the line of "It's none of your business" to MIL, and to H the line of "It actually means we can spend more time together as a family, I can attend more school things being free during the day, more waking time with kids, permanent position (his temp too so a worry) and more stability and money for the family - even with childcare costs" over and over calmly like a broken record and see what he / they do or don't do. I suppose I can always leave the job and go on benefit and split with H if he threatens to remove him or they try to get residency.

MN jury?

As if it wasn't scary and confusing enough to know what to do....

Your MIL could look after them in your home, it's where they sleep overnight that matters. You would be main carer then regardless as you would be looking after them a very high percentage of the time.

What about looking for a Nanny? Someone to work 6-10pm?

I'm off to bed now will come back tomorrow and reread properly.