Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

Cut your work down, look after your own children.

Poisonous cunt wants them plus her son. The only way you will retain being primary parent is if you do so.

Tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Does she know about your PND with dc1? It sounds like she is trying to play on your insecurities. Do you have other options for childcare? Nursery? Childminder?

Don't let her get to you. But your DH should be supporting you!

Overrule on the nursery, find one nearer to home. Fill in the forms and register asap. Use this as the reason for doing so, so MIL is quite clear her actions have repercussions.

Yes, sounds like your MIL has an agenda re the children and your DP, if you split, will fall into line as it will suit him to do so.

Keep posting.

Your H and MIL are strikingly similar, it seems: controlling and nasty towards you.

I hope you eventually get away from them both.

Any family around to support you?

What further action could I consider? (sorry really can't see wood for scary trees at the moment)

Yes, his mother has been a big factor in our problems, although obviously they are still our problems at the end of the day. He seems to idolize his mother and yes, echo what she says A LOT , word for word. She has brought him up with (IMO) this sort of narcissistic attitude of "I am always right" which causes huge problems. But at times he seems as if he is suffocated by her and hates when she phones, once said in anger "I haven't even loved her since I was 15" . If we fall out he will storm off up there for the day. She knows full well that we have not been getting on but does not encourage him to go back to his family (ie me), she has always welcomed him with over the top open arms and if I call I can hear her tutting and sighing and commenting in the background.

My therapist (whom I don't see because I'm "crazy", she would love that, because I'm trying to address and get over past trauma from my teens) once said something about a "symbiosis" or something that H and his mother have.

But none of that is really the point. I don't really care about their relationship. Apparently according to H's best friend, H's ex (no kids) left him and apparently the sole reason was because of his mother (they all were in a group of friends in their late twenties) At the end of the day, all I care about is being able to BE a mother to my OWN children (heaven forbid!) and breathe without worrying she or both of them should we split, will start a court battle over youngest DC.

Wow. What damaged people.

What do you want, OP? Do you want to remain a part of this dysfunction?

Given the dance of dependency your H and his MIL are engaged in, I don't think cutting your MIL out will achieve much: she jerks his strings. It doesn't sound like he will back you, he prefers to parrot her views.

Practical steps:

• return to your therapist. You have a legitimate need to work through past trauma. And your therapist will be the best sounding board for you to work out your feelings about your marriage.

• go see CAB or a solicitor: find out your rights regarding residency given the current childcare situation.

• calculate the benefits you would be entitled to in case of a split. Get used to the idea that you can cope on your own.

Erm, is this the MIL who has tried to get herself a job in the nursery your ds might go to?
Sorry if it's not the same poster.

I echo everything said already. Find a nursery place to suit you, not her! Funny how the one down her road is good enough for free hours but not paid for care.
She sounds poisonous and the more time she has with your DC the more time she has to plant her nasty ideas/ways into their minds.
Also sounds like your H has had things the way he wants without taking your views into consideration - you must feel isolated and ganged up on.
They are your children too so take back some control. Reduce to 2 days (you said H would be happy with this) and reduce the time they have with her.
Good luck and stay strong!

I have some family support, about 30 mins drive away, but only if in need (ie hospital appts etc) not day-to-day stuff. Predictably MIL hated them from the minute she met them at the hospital when youngest born (we were not married until youngest was 1) and promptly told my dad "you are not allowed to sit on the bed. infection control". And H is civil to them , at times friendly, but "off" with them too.

No way do I want to be part of this at all *HotDAMN^ . What I'd give just to not bother with them, get away from them. Obviously I do (did? don't know how I feel for a while) love H, but I'd much much rather live without this. I looked after eldest on my own the first year, I know I could do it again. But I am TERRIFIED that if I was to split with H they would try to take youngest. It's never actually been said bar one time when DS was very young , 4 months, and mid-argument H said "see you son when he's 16" . He has since apologized profusely over and over and said there is no way he'd ever try to take Ds away from his mother or his sister and it was all in anger. But especially with I've long sensed what MIL is probably up to behind the scenes, I have never trusted him again and always been very paranoid and scared about this. I have really stayed with H so that he looks after DS whilst i'm at work mainly in our family home and also so that hopefully he would feel loyalty to us since he is always going on about "his family" proudly etc and not go back to his mothers as if this is the situation when we are together technically (although I think she senses arguments are happening more and poss split), then what threat could they both pose if H had reason to dislike me for throwing him out? shudder at the thought

I do feel isolated and ganged up on, especially at her untrue comments on my parenting. and his at times. When they are both untrue.

No clam, not same poster x

Be calculating to manoeuvre yourself into a stronger position if your and DH ever do split. Adjust working hours so you become more of the primary carer. Fill in the forms for the nursery you would choose. Then if it is ever challenged, express amazement that you would chosen differently after how MIL has behaved today. I wouldn't be guns-blazing with H re MIL, I'd just be sad/upset/Bambi-eyed. Say something along the lines of, when he's sympathetic (hopefully), 'I can see why you get upset when she phones, she can be hurtful' and 'I'm worried for the children' and get him on side, even temporarily, to get what you want.

Or you could take the more direct approach and see what your position would be with CAB/free solicitor if you dropped to 2 days and split with H, citing his mother as one of the unreasonable causes! If you did split up do you have family you could go to?

Your DP is an idiot if he can't see history repeating himself and it just being him and her in her twilight years.

Oh my god your post made me so angry :(
How dare that poisonous bitch comment on how you are with your children, so what if you make the eldest help at home, from what you've wrote it doesn't seem excessive to have her help clear toys etc...
I would definitely stop her watching the DC ASAP.
As for your husband.....he needs to find his balls and stand up for you....It frigging well IS HIS business.
I really feel for you OP having myself spent 16 yrs with a toxic MIL :( put your foot down as to what decisions are made and tel her, quite frankly...it's none of her fucking business. xx

HOTDamn-

I will keep seeing therapist, I know that won't go against me in future.

My friend says she is worried about me, the situation , and made me promise recently due to a discussion we had, to see a solicitor about this. I have told her I will retain the texts and she said "I will be retaining your texts also you nasty manipulative little woman" . I will see a solicitor asap, although I am very very scared they will tell me something I don't want to hear (like H and MIL would have a case for residency of youngest!!). I'd be shocked if that was the case, but when it's your children you are terrified, aren't you?

Luckily I have already calculated the benefits via a local money advice organisation (similar to CAB, local equiv) and I could live on them. Made a budget on it and have some savings which would tide me over in meantime. I did that secretly because I feel trapped with H and wanted to see what would happen financially in situ of split.

Re - Cutting MIL out completely. H will have none of that. None of it. I can guarantee it. My only hope really is to cut down to 2 days a week. My rotas can be flexible mostly so I can try for days and times where it would suit H and not suit MIL. She likes to get them some weekends but i could prob cut it down to one a month just making excuses about things they have to go to etc.

Considering now how nasty they can both be, I am thinking I'll just have to stay with H until either MIL dies or the kids get older. Whether I like it or not. I feel it is too risky to go all guns blazing against BOTH of them, especially since she herself has minimal rights, but H has PR (on birth cert, married etc) just as much as me and is a very involved father. Together they would be extreme trouble I think. argh.

See a solicitor straight away to check on your position. If she's saying this stuff she must feel she is in a strong eough position to do so. You need to make sure the opposite is true.

I could just tell from the language she was using and the air of righteousness and of someone 'pointing out bad parenting', that there is probably a split and residence issues in her mind. She has got it all organised in her head hasn't she? the 'bad mother' will be got rid of and she and her little dears will all be together.

My separated h used the exact same sort of language about me. He got 50:50 custody as I have a mental illness and luckily does not have his mother nearby, or he'd be doing the exact same (she was a similar 'I am/was a perfect mother, you are not' type).

It won't be that way for you, you are not ill like me and you already have the chance to cut down working hours. Do it- if any sort of residency issues and split come up, this will work in your favour re. kids. Also the fact that dd is not her biological grandchild will count against her, as courts like children to be together and will not split residence- but you want to make sure she doesn't appoint herself as dd's 'main carer' too, as she and H could try to use that in court.

Tbh I think she is deluded, but you want to stop the delusions right now and also prevent her from making any more toxic intrusions into your daily life and (potentially) poisoning your kids minds against you. It sounds as if she is already talking to dd about how awful you are etc. This is abusive and unacceptable.

Your plan to throw yourself on H's mercy doesnt' sound a good one. He's clearly her creature, and will just tell you to keep handing them over to her and putting up with all her shit the way he does.

Could you move closer to your own family? (and go it alone) It would make it practically more difficult for her to gain such an influence over your kids.

Oh and definitely retain texts etc., unprovoked verbal abuse from her will certainly undermine her case.

The fact that H would 'have none' of your removing them from the care of an MiL who addresses you in this way is appalling. I really think you should leave and the sooner the better. The longer you put up with the situation the more your MiL has a case for contact (if not residence) as part-time carer not only of your ds but of dd too. She will claim (and H will support her) that to 'lose' their 2 days with her would be devastating to them blah blah- and so you'll never be able to shift those 2 days with her, let alone move job or house when you want to, cos she will have a 'right' to them for those days. (It sounds alarmist but I know someone this has happened to). Get them out of her care now and don't worry about how much you piss him off. It will pay dividends later.

With regards to the calculating thing so I am main carer, that sounds like my only option for the moment. I do not know how I feel about H anymore, although he says he still loves me but is very short tempered with me. However, recently I've told H I don't know how I feel about him anymore and that I think I want a split. Not in a nasty way, just in an exasperated way that we both seem to dislike each other and it feels hopeless. So how the hell do I get him "on side" before his mother gets her claws in? (He is staying there for a few nights as his old dog who still lives there has had an operation and the dog can't live/come here because it attacks our cats - this was arranged in advance but we did have words before he left). He knows I am not happy and he probably knows I' scared of residency issues since I said down the phone to him after the texts fro his mother tonight that "I don't know what's going on, but neither your mother nor you will be taking my son from me so you can tell her to get out of my life even if you are letting her say that to me" . Won't he suss it out if all of a sudden I'm all "pro" our marriage when I have not been for about a year !

I don't see the point of living a lie tbh (I am glad I'm not in my marriage any more even though I lost so much to get out of it....) and I don't think you will be able to do it either. I think you need to be straight with H; you don't need to wheedle to him and pretend to be the perfect wifie. Why the heck should you when he puts his abusive mother before you? Who the hell is he to force you to submit your children to her care? Why on earth are you taking this??? He's not all powerful.

You've already calculated benefits and know you could cope on your own. Good.

How do you then go from that to " am thinking I'll just have to stay with H until either MIL dies or the kids get older. Whether I like it or not." ???

You are brave and strong: you raised your eldest alone for a year and coped. You have been taking shit from this vile pair for five years and you're still standing.

You are made of iron. You have all the strength and capabilities you need in order to leave, and once free you will thrive.

Sorry to hear of your illness breaktime73. Whilst rationally I'm trying to tell myself it is unlikely that they would get residence (and that, yes, the fact they don't like to separate siblings would go in my favour), I'm still worried at how vile she has the capacity to be towards me, and what could possibly happen. And H's controlling nature regarding DS. Think I need really good legal advice asap to hopefully put my mind at rest. I really am terrified that DS could be in her care and that I would get limited "visits" - it would kill me.

Another friend advised me to go on the charm offensive with H and as the kids get older and attend school etc, make sure they have lots of activities, MIL will naturally be phased out to a weekend day visit only (like she has now with the eldest nearly 7 cause she is at school). She said just to "be careful" until then. Her exH threatened to take their kids back to his country but she waited until they were in school before taking any action.

If not for this, I would most likely leave him though in a minute. Sadly