Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

What's wrong with a childminder picking up the child and then your ex picking up from there and you picking up from him?

Take the job, employ the childminder to cover YOUR hours. Don't leave kids with him to take at 6pm as you know he'll take them to MIL. And keep repeating like a broken record as you said, none of your business, none of your business, none of your business. Never let DS go to MIL's.

Take the job, employ the childminder, innocently follow H's suggestion which is to 'do what you want'

However, just thinking aloud, does this work when dcs start school? Late nights?

Do not leave yourself in a position where your MiL could make a good case fr them being a hers. These working hours suggest bedtime and overnights at hers might seem likely.

My instinct: don't take the job. Sorry, I think you need to address more serious issues and I think this job is a side track. Really, it's not worth it. You haven't told us what you do but It can't be more important than securing your position with your DC.

RandomMess MIL wouldn't watch them in my home anyway (even if I wanted her to), she goes to bed pretty early and has dogs to walk.

ImperialBlether H (not ex YET but looks headed that way) works 6pm - 2am x 6 days and my hours would be 4.30pm - 9pm x 3 days, so he couldn't pick up from CM anyway.

Midwife I was meaning he can have kids until 6pm when he leaves to start his own work and CM would pick up from my house, keep them just til 9.30pm when I return (she lives in next street from me so not bad, would just have to drive round corner with them). But I am worried that if I leave H with the 4pm - 6pm part he will just not answer door to CM having already taken them to MILs because he doesn't "agree" with childcare.

ReportMeNow Eldest is 7 so already at school and youngest is 3 next month. Yeah it is pretty late nights but DD's reg CM lives round the corner so it would only be until 9.30pm 3 nights a week and they usually stay up quite late anyway. Well youngest usually goes to bed at just before 9pm but could stretch it out an extra half hour I guess and eldest doesn't go to bed until at least 9.30 most nights anyway.

Another option is childcare at our own home (perhaps less disruptive for DC, prob best option), which I've calculated I could afford for the 6pm - 9.30pm (that is with H having them til he has to leave at 6pm then childcarer comes round) but the full 4pm-9.30pm is just a bit too much for my budget unless I was officially a lone parent then qualify for more childcare help due to no H wages and I could manage to pay the full 4 - 9.30.

ARGGGGHHHH. dilemma.

Know that I'm trying to cut out MIL as much as possible though.

Any other perspectives appreciated. It just seems so unfair that every single opportunity I've had since DS was born seems to get ruined by MIL and H being obstructive. From the smallest to the biggest things. Probably this now too.

Thanks SundaeGirl I was thinking of that too . I don't want to mess anything up regarding DS.

I have consulted my family and they have basically said take the job and screw them, but they are not the ones in the situation, are they?

My dad said to take the job and if they try anything regarding residency of DS then separate from H, and although not ideal for them, between my dad and my elder sister they can do the childcare for a few months at my home, not allow MIL or H entry (I just give contact to H). But they couldn't do it long-term though, and seems a bit of a madcap plan anyway. They are angry too though to see me frustrated many times over the years having to do a secret military operation involving all sorts of abuse from MIL and sometimes H to get away for even a day to attend an outing with DC to my side of family. Many times I've had to go planned outings alone or with just DD because I was just too scared of confronting the situation and saying "No" to MIL deciding to keep him past the event start time. They are frustrated for me I think, but it's not their DC so they are obviously not as scared as I am. My dad said tonight he will make sure MIL can't take DS away and I'm worrying about nothing. But I'm not sure.

Ah, but nice to have the family lining up behind you

Maybe ask about the impact of your job/childcare in legal?

If it was me I wouldn't take the job. Bedtimes/bathtimes seem essential to me in securing your place, but I'mnot a lawyer. Don't take the job out of a 'screw them' mentality take the DC instead

I know SundaeGirl - I was thinking about bath and bed times too.

I have been thinking, that, if anything, this situation has really pulled any remaining wool from my eyes regarding H. If he is never going to be on my side when his mother says really abusive things towards me (like for example that I did not bond with my own DS etc) instead actively condone it and if he is never going to sit down with me regarding decisions about the children and discuss, rather than just parroting his mother's views on everything, then I really think my resentment for those things will make it unable to go on having a relationship with him anyway. I realised recently that if I could be guaranteed by some God or Higher Power that H/MIL would never succeed in getting residency of DS or manage to turn him against me then I'd be out of the relationship in a shot. I have realised I've been living with this fear about them managing to take DS lurking around for years ,since those things were said by H and MIL when DS was 4 months old, and I never even fully acknowledged it until recently.

I have lost all respect I had for H when we met. . Also, I've been wondering why I've felt so stifled for years when he doesn't do the usual "controlling man" things like what I wear, who I go out with myself (only with DS), what I buy / finances etc, no controlling in sex etc. But stifled I have been, as a mother. Everyone I know, friends and family could see it clearly but I couldn't - I was too caught up in trying endlessly and pointlessly to get my point across to H or fighting my corner, getting enmeshed in who said what and when in the 1000th argument this month etc, when really the problem is clear - that she hates me, he has little respect for me, and that neither will ever listen to me or treat me as a partner/mother of their grandchildren.

I still cannot work out how much of it is coming from MIL and how much from H. I am leaning towards more of it coming from MIL, because H is sometimes relatively reasonable (like the vaccinations thing), but MIL is never reasonable, and more outwardly abusive towards me.

Agree with SundaeGirl...this is just not a good time for you to add another major commitment outside the family war zone.It will weaken you because you are going to need H's willing cooperation. There are so many ways this could backfire. I think you need to consolidate your energies and intentions, total focus on the children until you get onto solid ground again either via a secure separation from H or some sort of reconciliation that you can trust.

I don't believe in lost opportunities. Something good will come up for your career after you get this sorted.

Not completely sure, the man on phone who had interviewed me said that the paperwork should be sent out soon and I've to fill it in and send it back (assume there will be a deadline for that). They will obviously need to get my references through and also he said it can take a while for a CRB check to come through. Then training will be during the day mostly I think. So not too soon anyway. He said can take up to 2 months, but I'm guessing less. Not the next 3 weeks though anyway.

Why do you ask??

I was thinking about just calling his bluff, saying it starts end of next week or something and telling him I am taking it, setting it up, going out those hours (I work bank in my current job so I don't have to give notice as such, just stop taking shifts, have enough savings to last) and then just seeing what any reaction is. If his reaction is bad then I won't take it after all, but if everything seems to be working out then actually accept it. Or does that sound crazy?

I don't think a secure reconsiliation with H would ever be possible, but that may be just how I am feeling at the moment. I have a feeling it would take either his mum being out of the picture or intensive counselling, or both. Has been going on for too many years.

But if the job is too important to pass on then I think you should get an au pair or part-time nanny to come in three nights a week to do supper and bedtimes. If she turns out to be a kindred spirit ( and you've got to make sure she is) then you will have a much stronger position to manage MIL and H from.

Take the job! Just organise a sitter in your own home. DH has told you he expects you to do what you want.

Alice, I could only afford the 6-9.30 for the nanny type people rather than the full 4-9.30, I'd still have to rely on H for the 4-6 , unless i can get help from a local authority childcare scheme who do reduced rates - I know someone who uses them and says they are brilliant and your children get the same carer to the house for continuity, they are all checked and registered and meet the children for settling in period beforehand. Don't know if that would be available to me though, may phone on Monday. And still the problem is H being opposed to outside childcare and him technically still living here (although lease in my name).

I know, I feel so sorry for the DC being caught in all this. I keep thinking that if I just shut up then things would be happier and it would all go away. Especially DD , I have kept quiet when I should have confronted outrageous things MIL has done and said over the years because I didn't want to make a scene in front of DD (if I ever raise my voice in front of DC even when exasperated, I am called a "child abuser" but it's OK for MIL to act as hysterical as she likes, swearing etc). I think DD is sensing something because tonight after had the 5 min "discussion" with H before he went to work she said to me

"I don't mind if I get a minder mummy, not at all. You can pick me up from school and do fun for a little while and still do fun on weekends too"

It made my heart melt.

I don't know why he said that about me just doing what I want anyway. I don't think he meant it sincerely. Maybe he does feel powerless, I have no idea. But I know he can be vicious when he wants to be. He just text me from work saying we can talk tomorrow when he wakes from his nightshift. I'm kind of thinking what's the point? It always ends in the same result.

Take the job.

Move closer to your folks and let THEM do childcare for now.

If you work from 4.30, till 9.30, it is in a way perfect. You are not so knackered you need to sleep in. You can get up with your kids the usual time, and spend MOST of your day with them. So what if somebody else put them to bed 3 out of 7 days per week, when you still get to spend so much time WITH them.

If you can move to be near your family like Quint says, then taking the new job could work out brilliantly, but my gut feeling on this is that you need to sort your family out first and miss out on the job this time. You now know you are good enough - its there for you on a plate if you wanted - but it is really bad timing. Maybe talk to the lawyer about it when you have your next appt? They might advise that a permanent position would be better for you, which would be win-win.

You are going to leave the relationship, it's just a matter of when.
"if you shut up things would be happier" - no, you would still be unhappy, which would make your dc unhappy, which will make you unhappy etc etc... You need to put your dc first, and that doesn't always mean harmony (got to break eggs to make omelette etc) - there will be upheaval in the short term, but eventually their lives will be improved by the changes.

Reading your posts has made me really worried for you, MiL has been grinding you down for years, and you're still doubting yourself. Do you have any mouthy friends who you can trust to call a spade a spade? Maybe you need someone in RL to keep pointing out the situation for what it is, to give you the courage to keep going. Good luck.

I can't move at the moment. Not enough dosh to do so. I could move IN with my dad temporarily and keep this lease (he 3 spare bedrooms) and they could do the childcare temporarily but not long term solution.

Funnily enough, my dad advised to try and think about moving if I take the job, not too far away but in the other direction. So right now I'm 15 mins south from job and MIL 20 mins south, he means move 15 mins or so north from it in the opposite direction to MIL, iyswim x

I know , the schedule you are describing seems perfect to me actually. However from a residency point of view maybe not, because H could state if we split and it went to court that he is available to have them at night and I'm not and that outside childcaring until 9.30pm is disruptive to DC.

I think the situation of stay together or split (officially) with H is a sort of shit-or-get-off-the-pot situation. A lot of it depends on that situation being clear, and it is not. I hate that it is not because it causes much confusion.

You know just trying to see a way through this makes it clear how totally impossible it is to have a husband who opposes and sabotages instead of supports. It is hard enough to care for young children and keep some sort of work life going without being hassled by the very people who should be on your team as you are on theirs. I am reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward which is a very powerful discussion on the subject of damaging parents and their effects on their adult children. Your poor H needs to have it read out loud to him. Some day he is going to regret what is happening now.

The local authority childcare scheme sounds great. Especially if the children enjoy whoever the person is...this might be a great way forward and give you an ally in the house. I am really keen for you to have more allies around you, a stronger household will make you less vulnerable.

And you can make the point that it is far less disruptive for the children to be cared for in their own home than being ferried over to granny.

I have straight talking friends and family but they are all giving me conflicting advice

My dad and sister - split with H, take the job, build your own life with the DC, they won't be able to take DS in a month of sundays.

Close friend 1 - says be careful of them plotting against me as she worried they could try to get residency. She advises trying to keep H sweet and stay with him until DS old enough to have a say (at least 6) , only take the job if I can persuade him to agree.

Close friend 2 - has a lot of issues on her own plate right now to comment on what I should do but she has been excellent with just general support and taking my rants! (along with MNers on here!)

Am worried that when/if you do split that H will move in with MIL and the visitation agreement will end up giving her even more contact than she has now...which will not be good. Aside from any residency fears...if he lives with her then they will be with her every time they visit.

I will phone the childcare in the home scheme on Monday and see if I can qualify for a place. Perhaps I will then call H's bluff knowing that the scheme is the best possible childcare and I'm in a stronger position legally doing that. and see if he relents and just lets it be (sometimes he does after a few groans/episodes if I remain strong and resolute and just don't argue or shout about it, MIL however NEVER relents or sees anything from my POV - seems to actually resent the fact that I am even DS mother and I have any say at all ).

I know I can apply for flexible working (different shifts) after a year of working there, and it's unlikely they will refuse that request due to huge size of company and amount of vacancies.