Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

Sorry but it's simply not true that courts are keen on shared residency.

Courts are well aware that shared resdency relies on both parents being fully able to co operate meaningfully with each other. Both parties need to demonstrate this for it to work.

Far more common is for one parnet being granted residency and the other being given contact (often generous). Obviously the parent wihtoiut residence will still have PR and thus a full part to play in the DC's life.

I think that fact that the DH here has taken off wiht the child, without telling the other parent where he is going andf refusing to take calls proves that he is not shared residency material!!!

I agree.

When they are separated that will happen, in his contact time he is not answerable to her & vice versa. I am not sticking up for him just putting another side to it - as an involved father he will continue to play a large role in the life of his son if he so chooses as will MIL.

RedHelen, it does come across as though you are minimising matters although I appreciate you are offering another perspective which is probably what the court will ultimately order.

The impact upon the child being separated from his mum, without her permission, and the distress this has caused is certainly not putting the needs of the child first and is certainly not as simple as a short trip away in contact time agreed by the parties. These actions have now damaged the trust between the parties making a mediated settlement less likely. Family court proceedings are extremely damaging and hostile with views becoming entrenched.

I think sometimes legal advice on the site comes across as cold and uncaring when emotions are heightened, although in fact it is often a reality check. This is posted in relationships, not legal and a more supportive approach is more appropriate.

almosttoolividforwords - please keep posting.

I've spoken to Police and also to Health Visitor, and have a plan in place. It's scary, knowing what they are like (H and MIL), but I can't live my life intimidated by them, I need to just get it to court and let the cards fall the way they fall I think. Still terrified there may be a chance DS will get taken or they will get residency and me and DD short 'visits' , but I've been reassured as much as is possible to know that there are no child protection issues with me, and that will not happen.

I am going to take the job for the 3 days and arranged a childcare nanny service to come the 3 nights a week. The rate covers up to 3 children and the lady says if DS has contact with his father and the childcare worker is just to be watching DD then that is fine, as long as I give a couple of hours notice. If H doesn't turn up or anything to try to sabotage my job, then the nanny will be there for DD anyway so can also have DS. The only problem would be that if H turns up and wants to be let in or take DS when he has not arranged to pick him up at 4pm from me, it would not be good for the childcarer. However, if that happens I can get non-harrassment order according to lawyer if he agrees to move out (he will). I'm going to apply for residency order (with interim inderdict against removal lasting a year until court sorts contact) but propose a good amount of contact for H and if he contests he contests, will have to see what happens there, but at least in the end it will be set in stone contact arrangements through a court so DS must be returned at "my" times. Police said I should log all attempts at bullying or verbal abuse if they happen, as they happen, keep texts, do not retaliate or shout back though, keep calm.

DS due back tonight at 6. H answered my call last night and told me, but he was very abrupt on phone and trying to get off phone as soon as he picked up ("need to go, what is it, what is it" well i know to know if my son is OK you twat) . All quiet on the MIL front, have not heard from her.

Hate this situation.

sorry, not 'know to know' , want to know

What did he tell you about DS's whereabouts/wellbeing?

He confirmed to me where they are (which DD (!) and H's friend had already told me) and also when he is bringing him back (which DD and H's friend had already told me but not confirmed by H himself until yesterday). I still don't know how DD knew and I didn't, seems crazy. Think it's because I didn't want him to take him, and I was so upset when he did take him, I didn't ask him directly I was so distressed. He then switched phone off. DD said H told her when he was taking her to school last Friday.

He said DS is fine.

You're doing brilliantly, especially with arranging the nanny. You sound in a very strong position, with child care in place for your DD and DS there is no way he can claim to be the resident parent. Are you going to ask your DH to leave as soon as he gets back?

I would follow the advice that your lawyer is giving you, it sounds like he/she is totally on the ball.

I don't think it will be difficult to get him to move out (if he resists it it will be yet another battle) . Lease is in my name, I pay all bills at moment (well he gives me a set amount from his wages, I mean the bills are in my name like gas and elec etc), he gets his mail to his mothers, he has a room up there all set up for him (by MIL surprise surprise, it's like he never left!). The only thing he is registered on is the tax credits claim (easy to sort I think) and the council tax register.

I don't really think he even wants to be here to be honest anyway. He spends A LOT of time at MIL's anyway and always has done, except for short periods when I've had enough of it where he doesn't spend excessive time there but it always creeps back up again.

I do feel sad, he has not always treated me like this, it's only really got bad the past 6 months and he seems to find every reason to avoid me and go up to MIL, and to make unpleasant or rejecting comments to me. Just remembered one from 2 weeks ago where he rescued an injured bird and tried to care for it in MIL shed. We had been having arguments and problems as usual but were not in the middle of an argument iyswim, and I asked how the bird was anyway, and he said "It died, you'll be pleased to know" - I mean, what is the point in such a nasty comment over me just asking something. He sees to hate me or something. Strange since he genuinely was not always like that with me, only since DS was about 4 months old, but even then then things were mostly OK between us until about 9 months ago . Don't suppose it matters now anyway, his strange relationship with his mother and him condoning her bullying me and him also joining in at times, makes it impossible to have a real relationship anyway, the only reason I was staying was because I was scared he would take DS or they would 'join together' even more if we split and try for residency with MIL encouragement. But it has just gone too far and the atmosphere would be horrible for everyone now if he lived here.

I didn't want to say much about him leaving whilst he still has DS so far away but I will call him when he has returned DS and left for work and tell him as far as I'm concerned we are over, he has been staying at MIL a lot anyway and to live there from now on and I expect you will want to get proper arrangements in place so DS can have set times with both of us (I know he won't want 'set times' or legal stuff, but I'm going to put it to him like why wouldn't he, iyswim).

Job looks like it will take a couple of weeks to a month at least until a start date, so should give me time to get everyone used to the new living arrangements before the childcare service are coming and I'm going out to work.

I was wary of even taking the job, but I asked about prosponement and it can't be prosponed. If I applied for other vacancies within the place it is my dream to work then it wouldn't go in my favour having once beeen hired and not accepted, as it would likely be the same interviewers who interviewed me this time. But I have decided that they are doing it deliberately to sabotage me, I know it , MIL tried it last time I went back to work. And also that H's OBJECTION to childcare is not actually a 'real' objection I don't think, just a control method. Last year H ASKED me a few times if I could book DS into DD's afterschool childminder (she also does ordinary childminding) a few times because he was supposed to be getting DS on my work hours but his work offered overtime shifts and MIL was not available! So he can't have had THAT much of an objection when it suited himself.

Lawyer and Health Visitor says that as long as I have childcare already established before anything goes to court and in place , it is in DC own home environment and it is registered and regulated childcarer (it is, and only 1 regular person , not an agency with lots of different staff coming to house to watch DC), and I am providing a good example to my children through working, then it would not go against residency too much. Worst thing it would mean apparently is that H would get a bit more contact than he would otherwise, but I don't mind him having a good amount of contact anyway - I just don't want them to be able to bully me and threaten removal or take my times with him up and I want set times and a decent amount of time with my DS, and DS with his sister (at least half the week).

Almost thanks for the update, it sounds like you are calm & strong and have a plan - good luck with everything.

I bet you can't wait to see DS again tonight x

I know, it's like a physical missing thing, like a chopped off leg. Especially at night when nothing to do. .

If he does not bring him back, I will kill him. Starting to get nervous of that.

Glad you seem to have a plan.

I hope it all works out well. Go you accepting your job and arranging childcare!

Also hoping you have in your mind what you're going to say (or not) when DP returns DS?

Might be worth rehearsing a few phrases so you don't end up angry & ranting. Stay calm xx

Be careful and make sure you have your phone on you when he comes back.

I hope he's brought DS back, and not gone directly to MIL for a 'visit'?

I hope you have got your ds back op?

Hope ds is back with you now.

You really are strong, so impressed by how much you have got sorted in such a short space of time. H & MIL have foolishly roused a tiger!

Even better, you don't even have to tell stbx about your decision to take the job because by the time you start it will be none of his business!!! Good on you. Hope you're having a lovely time with DS.

Hope DS is back with you and everything went well. We are all thinking about you today.

Wow have finally read the whole thread, what a nightmare :( your therapist is spot in with the word symbiosis, they are like high school bullies feeding each other and egging each other on, it's disgusting. Also Freud would have a field day with their relationship - Oedipal much?!? When your anger subsides one day, it will probably be replaced by pity, he is pathetic.

I am worried that you haven't updated since your DS was due home. I really hope it is because you are having a lovely time with him and sorting stuff out.

He did bring him back thank god! Or would have had to call police (although not much they would have been able to do). Sooo happy to have him back. Still going ahead with legal stuff though, don't think I could take that again.

almost - thank you so much for posting! So glad your DS is safe and home.

And of course you have to go ahead with your plan. You don't have any other choice.