Absolutely LIVID at what Mother-in-Law has just said to me. What to do? please help.

[almosttoolividforwords]

I have name changed for this one.

I have 2 DC aged 6 (from previous relationship) and nearly 3. My marriage has been very up and down and if I'm honest I think we would be be out of the relationship had it not been for the DC.

MIL has been very interfering from the start but I have let it go, despite different friends and even my counselling lady (for trauma I had in past) having said that they are worried about how she acts. MIL has intimated on a couple of occasions outrageous things like -

5 years ago when me and H moved in together I overheard a conversation where she asked H if he really thought he should be moving in with someone who already has a child, that she "never thought he would" and was he really sure it was the right thing for him etc . And also telling him that he would "always have a home here you know that" . double .

Also once she expressed disbelief that I wanted to go back to work after my maternity leave (having no idea of our financial situation at all) and she said in a phonecall to me "Money means more to you than children" !

H does backshifts and I do days so he often brings the youngest to MIL's during the daytimes. Tonight I got the following text message from MIL when DC back home and in bed -

MIL "How is (dc1) and (dc2)?"

me - "fine. how was (dc1) today when at yours?"

MIL "fine but to be honest he didn't want to go home so that makes me concerned"

me - "what do you mean exactly by that statement?"

MIL - "what do you not understand what the word concerned means?"

MIL - "I'll put it in simple terms to you so you maybe can understand. little (eldest dc, nearly 7) is sick of doing house work that her mother should be doing, she is 6 not 16. and as for (youngest dc) you deal with the bonding before you leave it too late. and maybe cut down on your shouting in front of them"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ?!!!!

I in no way force my eldest to do too much housework at all. She does age appropriate things like hang up socks, quick swish of her sibling's highchair with a baby wipe, "help" me clean out hoover by holding open the bag, tidy away toys etc. If anything, it was MIL who spoiled H and now he is a lazy sod!

As for the bonding thing, I have no idea what she is on about. Perhaps she is deranged. I had PND with my eldest but I didn't even know MIL then and I was terrified I'd get it a second time but didn't get it, but thankfully I never and have a lovely relationship with DC always cuddling and kissing him, maybe not so much publicly in front of her.

I do shout, but no more than most mothers I know!

All I can guess is that it is her way of trying to undermine my role as a mother. Because there really is no truth in what she says. H has a nasty habit of saying (nasty) things to me in arguments about my parenting but is generally more loyal and did stick up for me when she had her comment about me going back to work.

Does anyone have any advice on this? It has really quite scared and intimidated me. Should I cut down her contact by drastically cutting work hours (she does see them a lot) and not allow her to see them on weekends or anything if she is obviously just gathering "ammo" to use against me? I have been shaking with anger for ages over this. Phoned H at work and told him but he is busy and gave a curt "It's none of my business" response .
aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh

Thank goodness. Keep that anger though, you need it to spur you on. xx

Am so relieved for you. Are ds and dd ok, are they aware of much?

Has dh gone, or do you have to fight that battle?

OMG I have just read through the whole thread. I can't believe what you are being put through OP.

Wish I had some advice, unfortunately I can't top what you have already been given. MN is an amazing place sometimes. :)

Will be thinking of you and the DCs.

Almost, I am so glad DS is back safe and sound - I hope you gave him lots of cuddles.

I hope you were also able to hold your tongue with H and stay calm, even though your blood must have been boiling.

Who was it who said up-thread that they have foolishly roused a tiger?

Who is looking after DC this week?

Just read the thread - stay strong Almost

They're being so abusive, the sooner you get away the better.

Phew glad he's back - what's the plan?

I didn't want to say it to him when DC were running around, and he was going straight back out to work after he brought him back at 6pm. He is always going out anyway, to work or his mothers or the pub. It used to bother me but recently I don't care. So anyway I texted him not to come back at all. (mature, I know, but if I said anything at all about him leaving or inflammatory in front of the DC he would say it is "child abuse", and didn't want to give him any ammo). Do you think him doing this - calling me a 'child abuser' for trying to ever discuss anything in front of the DC but then when DC are in bed, he gets angry or "too busy" to ever discuss anything I bring up - do you think it's a ploy to get me to stay and accept their treatment of me? because if we never talk about it (I don't get a chance to), then it 'doesn't exist', and he / they can keep on doing it without me leaving? Don't suppose it matters now, but it just dawned on me properly.

He has not replied to the text (probably just thinking 'she's at it again'). I have a feeling he will try to come back on Monday though, because weekends are his nightshifts.

I'm Bank staff (like sessional work), so just not going to take any shifts on after the reference for my new job is received (sneaky I know until I start new job. So should give me a couple of weeks at least.

I think a text was the right way to go under the circumstances, not immature at all, as your focus was rightly on being reunited with your dc and their emotional welfare. They didn't need that being played out in front of them. Your H will probably not take it seriously though, agreed.

Order a taxi for his stuff? (see, that's immature!)

Look after yourself properly, you have to be fully prepared for a major drama in the near future! It's great that you don't have to go back to work immediately.

When on Monday is he likely to appear? In the evening?

If you have the day clear get to a solicitor first thing, after dd at school, can your sister or a friend take DS for the morning/day?

Then you can see the solicitor and spend the rest of the day packing up his stuff and can just have it by the front door to give it directly to him without him actually having to come in at all.

Change the locks with landlord's permission then he can't get in anytime when you're in or not to take DS again. Get legal ball rolling ASAP!

You don't need a landlord's permission to change locks as long as you keep and put back the original ones.

Foo fighter, most tenancy contracts for private rentals specify that you need written permission to change locks. HAs or councils may be different. I think the OP needs to keep herself right in this regard. The last thing she needs is wranglings with the landlord. But I agree, it would be good to change the locks.

OP it is clearly bonkers to suggest that trying to discuss how you parent your DC is child abuse. Maybe you need to practice a line to this effect, such as 'I don't see how having a mature discussion on parenting decisions amounts to that. If you don't want to discuss it now, let's arrange a time when we will.' and keep saying it calmly.

Definitely need landlord's permission to change locks - its their property after all! If you explain it's due to domestic abuse they'll be ok with it as long as you give them a new set of keys. Women's Aid do it for free.

Unless it is specifically in the contract then no you do not need permission. I wouldn't have said this to the OP unless this was accurate a quick google will show you the law.

I still think it would be courteous & wise to ask permission whether legally required to or not!

You need to speak to a solicitor so that you know what can or cannot be held against you during future divorce or keeping children or whatever might come in the future.

Once you KNOW what can or cannot be done then you draw up a plan, including DH or not, for your and DCs future.

It is a waste of effort to try to control or get one over MIL if that is not relevant in custody arrangements. Find out the facts first.

Start with the Citizens Advice Bureau for advice.

Just wondering how the OP ever faired out with this situation? Hope things have improved.

Yes how are you OP?

almost - please tell us you're ok - ?