Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I would say probably not mashed. I had my ds 6 days before my 21st so no party for that. No party for 18, was not at home.

Nothing Mashed DD don't want anything she's asked for euro's her bf's taking her to Ibiza the week after and she having a girls weekend to Blackpool the weekend before.

We'll be on holiday in Devon for DS's [if I go] and he doesn't have any friends anyway he might get a drink see how he reacts with alcohol and meds should be ok under supervision.

I don't think I had a party for my 18th or 21st, I honestly can't remember. No fuss was ever made of any events in our lives.

It's :( none of us seems to have been celebrated as people by the ones closet to us.

Dotty, you're helping to pay for what they want, hope it goes ok with your ds.

I asked him and he just wants to go to the pub!

I'm going to celebrate my 30th mashed

Don't like my birthday but I am going to celebrate my 30th.

We went to York for a long weekend for my 40th was nice just the 2 of us told him today that I'm not sure we'll survive this and I mean it.

Me too Offred. I've just decided :)

It's really pathetic but one of the happiest days of my life was when I passed my driving test. Bear in mind I had done fantastically well at school, won awards, the whole lot but my family never acknowledged any of it. Then when I passed my test, which was great in itself, I came home to find DH waiting with a bottle of champagne and a bunch of flowers. He wanted to take a photo of me with my certificate, and he took me out to dinner that evening. There are tears in my eyes thinking about it. It meant so much to me that someone I loved was celebrating my achievement and I was absolutely on cloud nine. It's something so simple that my family could have done for me so many times but never did. Even on my wedding day I got no kind words, no congratulations, nothing. They gave me an incredibly large amount of money but I would have given every cent back for a hug and a "You look wonderful darling, I love you."

Blaaah.

Why do you think that dotty?

Oh dotty I am sorry . There's no shame in it. This stuff is so very hard to work through.

Cailin - I can very much sympathise. I do think I hadn't done anything to warrant praise but I wonder how much of it was labelling theory and high pressure. I can see me and DH in your post. He loves me for who I am and is proud of me.

When you say "I hadn't done anything to warrant praise" what do you mean Offred?

Just do we've had a really rough week he hasn't apolgised for him being nasty to DS told me I was a loon last night or rather the meds where making me a loon, he backtracked today and said he'd just said my happy pills weren't working I corrected him on it he's not normally like this. It's all my fault as well said for the last few months he'll be better without me he tried touching me [if you know what I mean] when I turned the alarm of yesterday and it turned my stomach HE WILL BE BETTER WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT ISSUES.

That's up to him to decide dotty. You choose whether you want him or not.

Oh I adore him we've been together since '89 Offred the thought hurts but it's the truth sat here in tears over it.

Oh dotty :( . Firstly, you have every right to expect him to treat you kindly especially at the moment when you're going through so much. I know you think he will be better with someone without issues, but the fact is, that someone doesn't exist. Everyone has their baggage, everyone has their tough times and everyone has some time in their life when they need their partner to step up and just be there for them. You have nothing to apologise for on that score and you have every right to expect your DH to support you. That said, it must be very very tough for him to see you going through this. That doesn't excuse what he said to you, not for a second, but could you speak to him again and perhaps try to find out what's going through his mind?

What did he say when you said you don't think you're going to survive this?

There's no such thing as an objective truth here dotty. Only subjective choices. You are trying to push him away I think. He is a grown man, he can choose whether he wants you or not and he is bound to have times where he says things in exasperation. Have you talked it through? Does he realise you don't want to lose him?

That's true Offred.

Being single most of my adult life I can't really offer advice just that I've always tried to celebrate my own achievements. Harder when around my family as everything I do is a mistake including my ds so I had to get away from them

I have changed my bday as it's my twins day but yet to be able to celebrate it.

I am going to paint my bedroom to hang my award this weekend. I had it pink as it's a healing colour but it's too much now so going for green or blue.

sorry that was a complete cross post Dotty I have no advice

Cailin - well I wouldn't go to church or school, I was very depressed. I wasn't really doing anything, then I was doing bad things like taking drugs and drinking, having sex outside marriage (one of the unwritten rules) smoking, lying to the police. I didn't get good enough GCSEs for them, I got kicked out of college. I just cut myself and got obliterated.

I had to learn how to be a lady, I was often made to walk back and forth on my tip toes infront of my mother and her friends with books balanced on my head.

I went to catholic school and it was an escape for most part but when I was 13 I started drinking, tried suicide a few times and disgraced my family infront of a titled relative so got kicked out.

And the catholic church wonders why it's numbers are dwindling it's not just abuse by priests/nuns but families as well [I know it happens in other religions/athiest] seems a few of us where brought up catholic

But Offred that wasn't your fault. You were clearly crying out for help. Your parents should have recognised that and helped you rather than making you feel like shit.

I'm also Catholic - coincidence??

X post dotty - great minds.

Your family really let you down too Mashed.

this is what happened to many catholic girls