Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Trying to work :o how are you?

:) I'm not too bad. I was hoping DS would sleep after toddler group, but no luck, he's wandering around with an Oasis drink bottle putting various things into it and getting annoyed when he can't get them back out. Great fun.

:o have you got plastic cups and string? home made phones!

she is even worse when we go out, if at a restaurant, she will think she has me all to herself to get whatever questions she has for me out

and I cant react as am in restaurant, and the whole experience will be shit and a waste of my energy

i might just go to bed until DH gets home - have hidden paperwork under the bed anyhow!! so she can have quality time with her grandkids...not me

cailin your toddler sounds fab, mine are racing cars up and down the floor. noisy crazy, but they are cute sibling buddies

have comforted myself with a cardigan and a scarf. my version of a hug.

roll on sleep time, this woman makes me feel so threatened it is just stupid. but very real

you're all right, it is my only safe place in this house, and here she is, inviting herself amd crossing all those boundaries. I'll probably end up putting on my fake face, rather than getting into a discussion about anything at all. playing it safe I would call it. but i think i'll just go to bed after 15 mins chat with her

Are there places you can go where she can't get you alone - the park, cinema etc, places where she can't talk to you because she can't talk or because you are busy with the children?

What about acting like you are crazy in a restaurant? Like mashed, sing/shout "you make me wanna die" at her...

good point offred, i can see your thinking may work

i could go off to the cinema, it's about 40 mins drive, but still dont feel ok leaving my dc's with her, with me so far away, it's silly of me, i know, but i just dont know if she would smack them or whatever if they started playing up...that doesnt make me feel good, and i would worry about them all the time I was at the cinema or whereever

it is torrential rain all day here today, so i do think my best bet is make her a cup of tea then head upstairs for a (pretend) sleep - she wont bother me, at least i know that

just sad that i have to plan how to avoid any confrontation with her, she is so damn unpredictable, she could be on best behaviour for an hour, then steer the conversation to a subject she knows will upset me...so exhausting

plus she LOVES an argument with any of her children, so dont want to give her that satisfaction iyswim

anyhow, how are you today offred?

mashed-any more camping this weekend?

offred love it xx

Over time Belle do you think it would be good for you to reduce contact with your mother?

No, take the children too, do "family things for bonding" and hide behind the fake smile and the children! I do this often!

Alright today belle. MN got back to me about Bumbley. Planned a night out tomorrow, dentist this morning so DH working from home, had a good talk last night, he's being very supportive. Have a holy trinity; counsellor best friend (does women's aid/rape counselling) which is inappropriate really but actually she is my best friend in the world, DH/my friend provides insightful humour and normality and DH who is just very caring and supportive.

It's half term so there'll be children's films on and i've taken my really little ones to the cinema loads for reasons like this. No-one cares if you go to a children's film about children being a bit chaotic, brimming cars... People look at you a bit weirdly if you have tinies but it can be worth it if the alternative is worse.

What did MN say about Bumbley?

Maybe a noisy playcentre where you can be constantly looking after the children and she can't really get a word in.... Something like that!

Just asking me what she said so copied the messages and the link to the thread, explained why I thought it was inappropriate.

cailin - i would love contact to be reduced, she has chosen to do this religious course in my city, so she gets a religious qualification meaning she will be around here every few weeks

my sister and i are just at her doing this course, as she was so out of order during our adolescence, she probably thinks she will be exonerated from any blame by doing this course eugh so so fake

so as long as she has this course, conveniently in my city, then she will use that as an excuse to be here, and take stopovers in our home

i'm continuing to ignore her calls though, and this gives me a feeling of control, however weak

she's just obsessive or sthing, very strange person, i would keep my distance if she were a friend in rl, once i had experienced her moodswings and games, she wouldnt hear from me again (hence why i dont do well with my female relationships in rl!) i am cut and dry with them..would rather not bother

rambling again

cinema sounds good, but am soo zonked, am actually looking forward to skiving off to bed when she comes here

Good idea to go to bed. How would you feel about, in future, telling her she can't stay with you?

she would go nuts with me Cailin, literally

Yes, have a rest belle! Maybe when she is gone formulate some more long term strategies for dealing with her and closing down contact a bit at a time in manageable ways with a clear goal at the end?

Belle it really sounds to me that no contact is the only way to go. I mean she makes you feel like shit and behaves like a loon and then goes mad if you don't see her. What do you think?

Would her going nuts with you be worse than what is happening now?

see, logically, no contact is perfect sense Cailin & Offred

but, my guilts at cutting her out would be immense, i need the therapy to help me cut the cord with her, it seems so so difficult and threatening to have to confront her

she has just manipulated my thinking so much in my life perversely to not upset HER, and I am clearly still trying not to upset her

pretty f*king difficult as she gets upset by anything we do or say, depending on her moods

by acting fake, at least i can trick her that she has no effect on me, but i am fooling myself too

it is exhausting! have been doijg this all my life with her, she is just a pointless presence, but being mother figure makes it somehwhat harder to cut off from

I totally understand that Belle. I've found it hard to reduce contact with my family, the guilt is immense. Do you think your therapy will help you with this? What would your ideal situation be?

ideally Cailin, i would have no fear of her being around me, as i cant stop her seeing her grandkids really, they love her

Do you trust her not to treat your children the way she's treated you?