Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Hi Belle.
Cailin, because I hate everything that I am.

Do you want to talk about it Tombli? Could you tell me what you hate?

Just everything. My face, my body, my personality. Who I am as a person.

My DH is going to be really mad when he gets home with DD. I've drunk everything I can find in the house.

I'm being 3 three different people as I type this...a mess on a forum of people who don't know me physically; a happy go lucky person on facebook with people who don't really know me personally and a happy mum of one to people who don't really know me via text message. I'm exhausted.

Hugs right back at you Cailin, and everyone else.

Belle, I can relate to that looking over the shoulder thing, my step father was unpredictably volatile.

Tombli, how lovely you're helping with the blankets and I love the idea of us making little blankets for each other, we could remember how strong we all are. I've felt the same way today but gave up alcohol a long time ago have replaced it with clothes instead, fatal to the bank balance hope your dh is ok, can you feign illness?

I can identify with that Tombli

is it some way of self protection? if you behave to please others in those 3 different ways in the various contexts, you can protect yourself?

not making sense am I

is it people's perceptions of you? wanting to always please others? maybe I'm completely wrong

i've been off booze for 3 weeks now

clearer head in many ways but it's not easy

i have to still have my evening lady wine glass, just fill it with boring non alcoholic stuff - bit it still gives me the same treat factor

but it's not easy no way

sorry xposting

It's an attempt to hide how messed up I really am. Getting drunk and being self-destructive is how I really feel. The people I'm friends with wouldn't understand that, so I can't open up to them.
Sorry if I'm being too much. Just tell me to piss off, most people do.

I did it as a teenager and am repeating it as an adult. All that therapy hasn't made a bit of difference!
I'm also singing Evanescence songs at the top of my voice, so probably pissing off my neighbours too!

wont tell you to piss off

for me, i just didnt want my dc's to have memories of me being tipsy anymore

hard though

can understand you not wanting to open up to friends in RL, it's hard to open up to people, for fear they will run a mile, hard to recognise true friends too, so easier to do things alone most of the time

I'm a mess guys and I can't keep pretending otherwise to all the friends I've made since DD was born, so now I feel that I need to keep my distance from them.

am just nodding to what youve just said - can completely identify with that

pretending to others that all is fine when inside needing reassurance and comfort but not knowing how to get it?

I understand that Belle. Have asked dh not too bring dd to see me as I'm not in any condition for her to see me. She deserves a better mother than me.

Thanks for understanding Belle. You know, Evanescense lyrics say it all.

nah, she wants you, not a better one!

you are the only person on the planet with the strongest bond with her Tombli, instincts and all that

she loves you for you

cheesy but true

dont be hard on yourself

I know that in my heart Belle, but I don't know how to stop feeling so bad or how to fix the mess that my life is.

I always felt that I shouldn't have a child until I was sorted myself but decided that would never happen. I feel that I shouldn't have inflicted myself upon an innocent soul.

It's ok to be a mess Tombli. I truly believe every single person feels like you do at some point in their lives, and just about everyone hides it. It's madness really. Being a good mother doesn't mean being perfect, it means loving your child, and you clearly do that because even though you're feeling so terribly rough you're still thinking of your daughter, still worrying about how she'll feel. That is the essence of a good mother, that even at a really low point your mind is on her. She will feel that love from you, no matter what happens, you can't hide it.

MIGHT BE A TRIGGER POST, DONT KNOW X

I can't do all this laundry and ironing and folding and cooking and stuff. I just want to rock in a corner and fade away into nothing. I desperately want to be the mum that my mum wasn't to me, if that make sense but I'm becoming just as detached as she was. She has stopped talking to me in the last two weeks because I told her that I wanted nothing to do with her. I said I thought she had turned a blind eye to the things that happened in our house because that meant my stepdad wouldn't touch her. She told me she used to put tampax in so that he wouldn't be able to rape her. I can't make sense of that.

Thank you Cailin. That means alot

Don't do the laundry and ironing and folding and cooking Tombli. You are far more important than the housework. You are suffering at the moment, you don't have to get up and pretend it's not happening.

What your mother said was awful. Awful that she had to do that, but also awful that she knew what he was like and did nothing about it. How are you feeling about her?

Hugs Tombli, I have quite often felt the way you do, your dd loves you beyond measure, don't let the bastards win.

Can relate to the karaoke singing but my favourite has been Jessie j, there's one song in particular I sing to my inner child about never letting her down again. I go for new music as older stuff has too many bad memories.

I feel that she was a victim too but she didn't have to be and allowed it to go on. I don't know what she's hiding but feel that she's too ashamed to say anything. She knows he used to walk around in his underpants with his bits hanging out and my uncle makes crude references all the time. I want to shake her. All the signs are there but I have nothing to pin it on except random images in my head.

Sorry xpost, :( hugs tombli, sod the house work and give yourself a hug.