Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

wow, I talked to my therapist about how things are going and that I am not finding the therapy is helping me. She's now said that I need to talk and talk and talk about every detail of the trauma and relive it again and again until finally it stops hurting. Then she said, 'but I don't feel you're ready to talk about it yet.'

So this after months of her changing the subject every time I mention anything to do with the abuse.

She sounds like she doesn't know what she's doing Karma. You should feel safe with her, and be confident that she has your progress firmly under control but I don't think you do feel that way, do you?

I am absolutely gobsmacked that bumbley pmed you. Gobsmacked. If you don't mind sharing it here, what did she say?
Do you feel responsible for stopping your boss from raping others Offred?

I do feel responsible for not doing anything about what he did, and still not now. She just said something like "I don't know why you are asking me to explain something I have explained already, have a nice day" I just said "because you haven't explained it adequately, don't contact me privately, it is inappropriate"

Yes, karma, doesn't sound right.

You are not responsible Offred. Him raping you did not make you responsible for his future. He is responsible for what he does, not you.

That bumbley is a piece of work.

Karma I surprised myself in my first session I poured my heart out then saw my actual counseller and did the same how the fuck does she know when your ready sounds like she sees you as a cash cow sorry.

Feeling much better now. DH's/my friend fb messaging to see if I was alright cos I was up late last night after we told him not to come round so DH could go to bed. He's cheered me up a lot.

Dotty, he needed the other hand to choke me.

Cailin, that was hard to read. Joggers are jogging trousers.

Karma, my life is not what I expected, I've lead an unconventional life but I think I've become a better person for it, just could've done without the hardship.

Offred, you can block her and report the message. I've had one abusive message I've reported nothing to do with rape You were in no way responsible.

Just got a response, have blocked now.

"From: bumbleymummy
To: Offred
Subject: Re: Answer to your last question..
Date: Thu 07-Jun-12 12:04:17
Sorry that you feel that way. I was responding to a direct question that you asked me."

What part of don't contact me privately has she misunderstood here?! How do you report on iPhone app? Off to look..

mashed so sorry x

Mashed, I was just wondering about why you were wearing joggers "to spite myself" - what does that mean? Thank you for posting about what happened to you, I wish I was brave enough to do that.

Offred have you managed to report? I'm glad your friend was such a help.

It's so recent for you mashed you are very strong and wonderful x

Yes, think so.

What he said that made me feel better was: I said to him "stupid oversharing occurs at inappropriate times when I try to keep a lid on things" he said "define stupid and oversharing, I understand what inappropriate means and lid" then compared it to diarrhoea and said I'd feel better! :D

I agree with your friend. I used to hide things a lot from people but lately I've felt able to be more open. I told a new friend of mine about my depression last week. Normally that's something I don't tell anyone in real life, and I know that's due to shame and feeling weak because of it.

Cailin I told my dr I felt a failure for being on AD's her reply was you wouldn't say that if you where on insulin or thyroxin [sp] she made sense really even if truth hurts.

Good for you Cailin, 1 in 4 suffer some kind of mh thing at some point.

I'm having a feminine crisis, my hair is the longest it's ever been, normally it's cropped but is below my shoulders, I wanted to chop it off this morning but instead I've gone glam, except the joggers :o under my dress. I've had 1 guy asking me out and another give a "wow" look, made me feel a bit sick but I handled it well, just brushing it off and walking away. I'm 34 and just accepting I'm a woman :(

Can I offer you a hug Mashed?

I honestly think a huge part of the damage abuse does is caused by the fact that you can't just talk about it. Hiding something so huge and difficult takes a lot of energy and makes you feel ashamed I think.

Hi everyone. Ive been lurking and have nothing helpful to say but can offer hugs if you want them. Im curled up in bed drinking and have handed dd over to gps for the afternoon ablelike the bad mother i am.

Thats true Cailin.

Tombli, thats me finished for the day, mind if I join you? and hey, this ain't the bad mother crew, this is the cake and brew crew :o

I'm on the raspberry and elderflower tea though.

I think I have problems being a woman because the first time was so brutal. Suppose everyone's the same.

How's everyone doing?

Of course! There is chocolate too!
I have difficulty seeing myself as a grown woman.
Not coping to be honest.
I just finished knitting some blanket squares for a group on here and was thinking it would be lovely to make up a blanket for each of us so we can hold it when we're feeling bad and remember there are people out there who care.

I guess that would be alot of blankets!
Is it wrong to be pissed at 4 in the afternoon?!

Im reading the courage to heal and want to self harm. I dont have the courage.

Why do you want to self harm Tombli?

just sending hugs to you all. You all have such inner strength, somewhere, you are strong people for having had to experience what you did.

I've been busy with DC stuff today and yest so not been online until now.

therapy on tues was a headwreck, but dealt this week with my sadness, rather than my anger which was last week.

Felt I have offloaded lots,

but it's a work in progress, and it is so exhausting.

And yet STILL I am questioning myself, 'oh that was just e way people disciplined their kids back then', I guess minimizing it. Wish I could know how to stop taking that onboard.

Basically she said I have been carrying too much alertness to the unpredictable behaviour at home, so even when for example reading a book at home back then, 20% of my mind would have been on the story, but 80% on what may or may not happen with my mothers mood swings, on whether my sister was ok, where my little brother was, what the atmosphere was like...

which now I see is completely an exhausting way to live..Internally

but as long as I was quiet, they didnt see anything was wrong

just still feel so much sadness but glad I can finally talkabout it and maybe one day it will just disappear from my subconscious

who knows

thanks for listening

i'm doing some ironing, stress busting

but will check in again in a bit

Hi Belle. Have a hug back :)