Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

A lot of the time I feel stressed out and worn down by my mum but she is equally very supportive to me now. I feel we have a balanced relationship. She is not well atm. I can't deal with my dad right now, he is very deaf and very angry also got angina and untreatable heart disease and volatile and upset about dying. My sisters are great but my brother is exceptionally anxious/moralistic and difficult to be around.

Ahh growing up in a catholic family remember it well spare the rod not the child, night I told them I was leaving at 16 was told I wasn't allowed to as even though we lived in Scotland I was English few weeks later he turned and said you can't leave but I can throw you out had it back to front he did but I was hurled across the room into the wall that night took police to get my stuff as I got a note sent into PERSONNEL at work to say it was getting thrown out he acted nice as ninepence to the community officer. When we first moved here at 15 we lived in massoinettes top floor they used to lock me in, despite all this I moved back home they then left and my brother and I shared one day he walked into my room without knocking told my dad I could of been getting undressed his reply you should be so lucky.

I must of been totally stupid for going back and allowing them in mine and my children's lives time and again.

Also found out recently that one of my sisters was also thrown across the room the night she left, I had everything they DID FOR ME WHEN I WAS ILL THROWN BACK IN MY FACE my sister had a 20 point letter of everything they ever did for her and he would drive past her in-laws house even after she was married and shout out whore to her she also has her eldest by that time. Only sister who wasn't treated like this when she left was oldest who left to move into resedences at work she was charged board to come home at weekends and expected to babysit as she said to me recently she only came home because of me and my brother more me she also was left all the housework and weeks ironing.

I only ask because I dealt with the abuse I suffered and yet I still sank into depression and it was only with time that I realised that a lot of my problems were due to my family, rather than due to the abuse. I don't know if the same is true for you. It just strikes me that almost everyone on this thread who is struggling with abuse has a family that let them down in some way when they were young.

If anything it was the opposite way round for me cailin. I know what they did and how my childhood was wrong, they don't need to fully acknowledge it. I protect my children from it now. My mum is in denial about my dad for a lot of reasons. There are three problems - basically my dad's hoard which he had been gradually building all our lives, the religion thing where there were breaking down doors and dragging me to church by my hair/beatings, my dad's values about "responsibility and hard work" - "what have you done today to enrich the world with your presence?" is not the best thing to say to someone with severe depression self harm and suicidal feelings also have had the letters listing failings and setting out expectations.

How do you mean it's the opposite way? As in, you've dealt with what your parents did but you haven't dealt with the abuse?

hugs dotty and offred.

Yes, I've dealt with my parents and my childhood, I feel secure with that, don't have problems speaking to people about it. I have not dealt with the sexual violence I have experienced. Only recently identifying the progression of events. I had a lot of sexual bullying at school, things were not right with my first boyfriend, I did a lot of things he wanted because I thought I was meant to not because I chose to, nothing to do with him, to do with my expectations of relationships, think there may have been sexual abuse in his family that affected us both, we were 14-16, that's the lead up to the rest. Until recently I have denied or not connected a lot of these things.

I lived with him and his family for a while when I first left.

Dotty, that all sounds really awful. How are you feeling today?

How are you doing Mashed?

Offred, would you like to talk a bit about what happened to you?

Offred, Might trigger so you can skim.

I was violently raped digitally when I was 12 by my step father.

Raped by one of his friends at 14.

kicked out at 15.

Taken in by a violent abusive man at 16, had my ds.

Single at 18 and kicked out so homeless again.

Sorry for quick post, working

Cailin, good and you?

To spite myself I've worn a dress but with joggers not tights underneath.

I was also raped last year and I had tights on, shitty bastard

Can you explain about the joggers Mashed? I'm not sure what you mean.

I think I have a clear path in my mind now cailin, sexual bullying started in year 7 and continued throughout school, set my expectations, then I sabotaged relationship with first bf sleeping with someone else from where we both worked, got a reputation at work. Think this is why I got raped by my boss, he thought I was a slag and fair game. All the things with my parents imploding all at the same time, met xp shortly after was with him briefly, he was sexually abusive, tricking me into things, taking condoms off, not telling me then telling me too late, causing trouble with my parents, stealing stuff from them, emotionally blackmailing me to take drugs. He moved to the other end of the country, I got an inheritance and moved with him, he basically used me as a cash cow till it ran out, was always cheating, I attempted suicide, then found out he had just been stealing my money and not paying the rent and we had to run away back up here. I had nowhere to go, couldn't go back to parents, did briefly they kicked me out, was happy to go, was homeless then picking up men in bars for somewhere to sleep one thought I owed him, sleeping with someone regularly, did like him but he was an alcoholic and that turned violent, fortunately got taken in by a lovely man who just looked after me for months and then got pg to xp, moved in with him, had baby, he was still abusive, discovered latest round of cheating, felt differently because we had baby and refused him sex, he raped me, I got pg with dd, he left to be with OW.

Do you feel you've been able to lead a completely fulfilling life and achieve your various goals and potential, despite having been sexually abused?

To answer your question Karma, yes and no. No in the sense that my teenage years and early twenties were ruined by it, and that has shaped my life to a large extent. But yes, in the sense that now that I've started dealing with my life has improved immeasurably and I have great hope for the future. I am happier now than I've ever been.

Thank you for posting all that Offred. Can I just focus on one thing - you said you got a reputation at work and "this is why I got raped by my boss" - do you believe that?

I don't mean it in the sense of victim blaming, I mean specifically that that is why he felt entitled to plan to have sex with me without me wanting to over a period of hours.

Karma - not yet no. I'm only 28. All the things in my life until my marriage to DH and my twins were dictated by my experiences. Now I feel I am getting a grip back on things, studying and happily married.

In a way you are taking responsibility for what happened to you, in the sense that you say the reputation you gained from what happened with your boyfriend made him feel entitled to rape you. Does that make sense?

Sorry for sounding thick but what is 'digital rape'

Rape with fingers dotty.

Yes, I think that was partly set up though. My boss used it to discredit me when I accused him in work the next day. I was a total, total mess, just didn't know what to do, just sat on the floor for ages in tears, other people I worked with telling me to pull myself together and that I was a prick tease.

That is just awful Offred. What vile people they were. You do realise that no matter what happened with your boyfriend, or with sleeping with someone else, what you did contributed in no way to your rape, don't you? You were not to blame for what happened.

I think I do know that now. I haven't fully accepted that until the drunk thread. Bumbley pm'd me to have the last word you know. Weirdly made me feel a bit better rather than

I feel very bad that actually all this time I was raped because he was a rapist and not because I was a prick tease and he had very likely been doing it again and again for 11 years.