Getting a bit fed up of dp and his weed :(

[GetTheeToANunnery]

He promised before we had ds he would stop smoking/cut down. 2 years on and he's still smoking every day :(
I've tried making comprimises by asking he at least doesn't smoke during the day due to ds being around, this works for a couple of weeks and then it's back to normal again. I tried saying fine, you can smoke up to 2 spliffs a day and then however much you want on an evening. Again lasts a couple of weeks.

Today we went out to a kids birthday and now he's gone off out with his jar of weed to the pub.

He smokes so much and has done for years, he's not your average stoner. Runs a very successful company, not lazy etc. I don't think he'll ever give up :(

I also smoke a couple of spliffs a night, have done since I met him. Would love to give up but it's so hard while he's smoking every chance he gets.

I've threatened loads of times to leave over it, sick of making threats now though. What should I do?

Ha ok - x-post (left the thread open earlier and forgot to refresh) :)

To ChangeyMcName, I work in drug and alcohol services, and we see loads of cannabis users. Yes, it is a problem, it may not be considered a hard drug like heroin or crack, but can cause just as many problems. Just wondering why can't you access services? Would it threaten your own employment? I see all kinds of people in our service who think they shouldn't really be there, that it's for "real" addicts, not for ordinary people like them.

Hi Nimpy, as I said in an earlier post, it's not something I can go into.

I think this is something I have to work through alone, with some support, maybe someone to call and vent at when I'm feeling wobbly. I'm not saying alone works for everyone, and services do a great job, but I am fully aware that there is nothing services can offer that would help me. But many thanks for your concern :)

Changey, if you're not comfortable with approaching your GP then it might be worth getting in touch with an organisation such as Turning Point. For instance, where I live Turning Point run a service called Hertsreach which offers counselling and a range of other services to people with drug/alcohol issues. There are a number of other charities and services available up and down the country that can help.

As I'm sure you appreciate, the answer for a dull and unfulfilling life is to find things that excite and fulfill you, not to smoke yourself to the point you no longer notice.

everyone deserves advice and support with a problem that is affecting their life

am not sure why you are any different, changey

if this an embarassment thing (like a psychiatrist needing counselling, for example), I wouldn't let a misplaced sense of pride (arrogance ?...I dunno, you tell me) stop me from accessing well-deserved help

I know you don't want to out why you feel you can't ask for outside input, changey, but I am struggling to see why, unless you are intent on continuing to sweep this problem under the carpet (and probably failing at what you are trying to achive)

sweeping the problem under the carpet? you must have missed the parts where I acknowledged the problem and decided that I need to kick myself up the backside and take some responsibility, and make some positive changes.
Now that I am not taking help from 'services', I'm being judged?

If this is pressure aimed to get me to reveal exactly why I cannot reveal this issue to local support services or medical professionals, you will have a long wait as I have already stated - TWICE - that I am not able to go into the reasons, but trust me they are valid.. and in no way based on arrogance.

My eyes have been opened by this thread as it seems like me in 5 years (no disrespect to GetThee at all: I absolutely understand how things get to the point where you're smoking to forget how much you're smoking) - I am upset and ashamed that it has gone this far without my doing something about it, and fully prepared to work on finding out why I've been smoking so much, rather than just having a go at giving up without planning it properly, and caving in after a day. etc.

AF I'm guessing you're reading this thinking yeah, right, and I know from personal experience that the people who succeed in remaining abstinent are the ones with a strong support network, who admit they are powerless against the addiction, and get on some sort of program/go to group etc.. think of me as the exception to the rule not everyone needs the input of the all-knowing GP to make positive health changes!

(Snorbs, thankyou for the link, Turning Point do great work. Loving the assertive support here, wish we had a stoners support thread I could waste my weed-smoking evenings on instead!)

you know yourself best, changey

good luck

Strange how judgemental a lot of people are, considering a lot of them are pissed every night in charge of children!
Weed is not half as strong, youd have your head together a lot quicker should an emergency occur, in my opinion.

You need to lead by example in my opinion.
Give up, then give him a month to do the same.
Some NA meeting are specialist for weed smokers.

vintage - oh no, I'm judgemental about drinking too. I'm an equal opportunities judgmentalist

Weed is just manky, horrible stuff. Turns folk in gurning, spaced-out idiots. No, you don't look relaxed or chilled out, you look and act like a fool, staring into space and giggling at nothing.

Aaaaaaanyway. I really hope you get the help and support you need, OP and changey. Like vintage I'd suggest finding a local NA group if you can, give them a go. Shouldn't affect anything to do with work etc.

I thought the same vintage! Not saying weed is good but alcohol is far worse.

We're talking again tonight about what to do. He really doesnt want me to leave, I don't really want to either but I'm finding it hard to see any other choice. The only other option is to do as you say and give up whilst staying at home and hope he does the same.

He needs to decide which is more important to him, GetThee - his family or his habit. If you put it into stark black and white, it may shock him into realizing exactly what he's putting you through. Good luck!

OP i hope things work out for you. A lot of the replies are not helpful but i hope you sift some good advice out of it.

I smoked every day for 8 years. In that time i have completed qualifications and worked my way up to management. I wont touch tobacco or alcohol. I have never been in trouble with the police. Involved in on community. Have many friends who smoke every day and lead good solid lives, bringing up well balanced children. We can all find someone we know where things didn't work out to prove our end of the argument. It isn't going to change anyone's view on what they really believe.

What many people forget is cannabis has been used for 100's of years for medical purposes. Smoking cannabis does not suddenly make you mental. There is no proper medical study that can conclusively say that. A lot of people who suffer have been using cannabis to help with symptoms. It hasn't caused them. But studies fail to account for this. They don't timeline when they first experienced problems, when they drunk or did drugs for the first time. Its all clumped together.

As with anything in relationships, if you aren't happy with something the other is doing you need to talk, try and come to a resolution. But you can only do this if you are 100% honest with each other about what you want to achieve in the end and whether you are willing to change for each other. Love is not enough of a reason. Just because someone loves you is not a good enough reason to give up anything.

What a dangerous post from Ovaltine and so full of denial, sort of thing my teens used to come up with before they lost one of their best friends to cannabis induced psychosis.

All the best to you OP.

Smoking weed makes people as prickly as buggery, is what I've learnt from this thread. Turns out all that "it relaxes me" stuff is bollocks.

Actually every weed smoker I know is irascible and short-tempered about petty annoyances (e.g. train delays) especially when they can't/haven't smoked. If you need that kind of escapism to deal with normal life what hope have you got of coping when something really bad happens?

That makes sense elephants, dp is so short tempered and impatient with things like that. Is that down to the weed then? Is there any research/evidence on that that you know of so I can show him? He thinks he needs the weed to help him control that side of his personality.

I still stand by the fact that weed isn't that bad smoked occasionally and it does relax you. I'm not back tracking btw, I'm still giving up. Didn't smoke at all last night but dp was away so no temptation. Tonight is the real test.

I just wanted to pick up a couple of things: firstly, why do weed smokers always go on about alcohol? Yes, we all know alcohol is a dangerous and easily abused drug too, and that all those women having a bottle a night are putting their liver at risk (I have at onefriend who has an alcohol problem). But that's why plenty of people don't drink that much, or at all, or when responsible for children. I don't.

Secondly, lots of people do take their weed with tobacco, so however much you go on about its relaxing properties/medicinal blah, basically inhaling deeply on your own joints may have other consequences. This doens't apply to everyone, some people are more creative (!) but lots of people just smoke when they smoke weed, and are getting all the bad bits of smoking really.

Getthee, does your husband smoke tobacco all day with the weed? If so, his jittery feelings when not smoking and grumpiness may be due to that. If not, perhaps the psychological addiction of not being able to cope even for a couple of hours without it may be the reason. Or he may just be a bit grumpy/jittery. I think there's some evidence that weed makes some people quite paranoid (but can't remember off the top of my head).

I really hope you do well, Getthee It is hard when others around you are still smoking.

elephants thanks for saying that

I was finding the "you are irritating me now, because you keep saying things I don't want to hear" and the thinly-disguised "well I might smoke weed but it's better that being an alcoholic, like you" insinuations rather a slap in the face when I was trying to help

*than

I wasn't aiming any criticism at you earlier AF, I've found your advice v useful. Im just not happy with some posters coming here to offer no useful advice whatsoever as obviously that doesn't help me.

GetThee...the irritation doesn't come first

was he born irritated ?

the agitation is because of tension and anxiety about when he is going to get his next smoke, and it will be transferred to the people/circumstances that get in the way of that

you by giving up yourself, and having expactations of him are going to come in for some pretty shitty treatment from him...I don't have to tell you that though, do I ?

what is he like when he can't get a smoke?

look it up, it's easy enough to find shedloads of information about this. Many places will say there may not be a physical dependence, but the psychological one is just as damaging to the rest of your life and to your relationships

GetThee, it's ok, who wants to be told stuff they don't want to hear and be lectured at by a stranger ?

erm, the people who ask for advice on t'internet, that's who

I wasn't meaning you, tbh, you have taken stuff on the chin, to be fair

is it helping you to witness the rationalisations and denial that other people are utilising on your thread ? Ringing any bells ?

Hi GetThee,

If you look on "UncommonKnowledge" website there is an Addiction section - and there are loads of threads on giving up weed. As I remember it, it was really interesting and helpful, mostly about people trying to give up after years. You may or may not find research answers on there, but you will get lots of anecdotal information from people with weed addictions which might be helpful to answer your question/s. You could even ask one.

www.uncommonforum.com/viewforum.php?f=10 (don't know how to do links, if anyone can help?!)

Re. anxiety, most weed smokers I've met do seem anxious. But is this the chicken or the egg?

I agree with Ovaltine about honest discussion. You have the right to say what you want and what is acceptable to you. But so does your partner. I think its pointless one adult trying to persuade the other; we cannot make decisions for other people. But at least if you are both in possession of the facts and are aware of where each other stands and how each other feels, you can make real and helpful decisions for the future individually and as parents.

Sorry if thats a bit long ...

In fact, on quick perusal I already see a thread "Can I quit without my husband?" but there's loads of others.

Dependence is often a coping strategy, just like deep breathing and exercise. The problem with substance dependence is that it replaces all other coping methods so that it becomes the only way a person can get through the day.

As is always trotted out on here, the plural of anecdote is not data, therefore we have those like Ovaltine who have few apparent ill effects, or Great Aunt Dorothy's cousin's cleaner who drank a bottle of whisky a night and lived to 100. Unfortunately, there are far far more tragic stories of suicide, psychosis and mental breakdown. So it's about balancing the risks - are you one of the very rare users who aren't affected, or are you one of the majority who end up fucked?