Getting a bit fed up of dp and his weed :(

[GetTheeToANunnery]

He promised before we had ds he would stop smoking/cut down. 2 years on and he's still smoking every day :(
I've tried making comprimises by asking he at least doesn't smoke during the day due to ds being around, this works for a couple of weeks and then it's back to normal again. I tried saying fine, you can smoke up to 2 spliffs a day and then however much you want on an evening. Again lasts a couple of weeks.

Today we went out to a kids birthday and now he's gone off out with his jar of weed to the pub.

He smokes so much and has done for years, he's not your average stoner. Runs a very successful company, not lazy etc. I don't think he'll ever give up :(

I also smoke a couple of spliffs a night, have done since I met him. Would love to give up but it's so hard while he's smoking every chance he gets.

I've threatened loads of times to leave over it, sick of making threats now though. What should I do?

I smoke. DH smokes. We are planning to TTC in a couple years. This thread has seriously terrified me. There's a little voice in the back of my head saying that we're different, we have it under control, but really I know that we're just like everybody else, boring and stoned and lazy. And I'm pro-legalisation too. I can't bring a child into this. Has anyone stopped? How? Can you go back to 'the occasional one at festies', or is it like alcohol, full stop?

Sorry to thread hijack but this has really struck a cord with me today and I feel like I've realised, I've been kidding myself for quite a long time that this is a good way to live, and I feel unfulfilled and empty and BOOORING, and the best way to make that feeling disappear is to skin up.. and I don't want it anymore, I want more.

Hope it works out ok for you OP (and anyone else who also faces similar problem).

My DH smokes weed and we are on the brink of breaking up now. He has recently suffered depression (I am sure this is a result of the weed). I have told him that if he doesn't give up then that is it for us. He is currently on AD's and has cut down to about 25% of what he was smoking. However, he has to cut it completely out and honestly I am not sure he will. So I am currently making background plans in case things don't work out. FWIW he also only ever smokes outside the house (this was also the case even before the DC) and just in the evenings.

As he is a SAHD and I work full time it is not an easy situation. I would have to give up my job as my DC's are only young (4 yo and 1yo) and as I own a minor share in the company things have to be planned well so that I can get my money out (there is an agreement which means I have to give a minimum of 6 months notice etc or it can affect if I get my money). We will also have to sell the house. I have also lined up an alternative career that I could then train for (which I have already had a long term interest in) that would enable me to provide again for my family whilst starting a whole new life.

This isn't the sort of life I envisaged - I never thought I would have to sell the house that I have worked so hard on and so hard for because of these sort of circumstances. But I know that the weed situation is something I can no longer live with.

I am sorry if it upsets you that people say it smells - but honestly, it does - REALLY BADLY. I can smell it a mile off, just on people's clothes and it is horrible. When my DP first cut down and hadn't had one until much later in the evening than when he usually does he even noticed it on someone else and couldn't believe for himself how bad it is.

Don't know if it's helped at all but just wanted to say I know how hard it is and I wish you all the best and really hope you can get off it. (BTW I don't smoke it).

changey, if this thread has given you a wake-up call, I am glad (for you)

this lifestyle is no place for a child

and yes, stoners are completely boring to other people (and juvenile, tbqh)

when are you planning to join the world of grown-ups then ? and what will you do if you find it's a fuck lot more difficult thatn you thought it would be ?

You are dealing with addiction here, it could as easily be alcohol or cocaine - his choice of drug is irrelevant, the behaviour would be exactly the same. The most important thing in his life is his drug. He will sacrifice you and your child for it (he already has). So you have to decided if you can live with that and if your son should have to - and I think you know the answer to that.

I also agree that you are underplaying your own role - the lines between a habit and addiction are very vague. Have you contacted narc-anon? They will probably be the best place to start and can give you proper advice on how to protect your son.

Good luck.

Juvenile is the word AF. I really can't understand how grown adults spend so much time stoned.

My stbxh started smoking from 13. He will be 40 next year. When he did try to stop he couldn't cope with every day stresses. I believe he couldn't because quite simply, he has never learned how. I still see him as very immature emotionally. It's sad on one hand but having lived with his habit for eight years I lost all respect for him as my husband, the father of my child and as a person in general.

When you are with someone that won't quit weed, people start talking. In my stbxh case the people we knew didn't know he had always smoked. Nope they formed their own opinions that life with me must be so terrible he had to get stoned to escape it. Nice huh? And after a while you start believing it yourself.

I can't express enough how much I detest that drug. For the poster that was saying she was considering starting a family, please think hard about what you are going to do. My own children have a father that smoked and still to my knowledge does, skunk. When he couldn't get any, we all bore the brunt of his short temper. We had blazing arguments when he was being horrible to the kids because he couldn't cope with withdrawing. Eventually he got violent and I threw him out.

I know that's my own specific case but weed is NOT harmless. Something I heard after my separation...don't commit to a man you wouldn't be perfectly happy for your son to turn out like.

AnyFucker - I don't know. Researching into it online. I've actually realised I have an addiction and I can't stop thinking about the days I've wasted sitting on the sofa getting high (and justifying it to myself!). So I don't have a plan just yet, I'm currently reading 'guides to quitting' and crying, and I know my DH will come home later and blaze up and I will want it so much.
I will be an old woman lying in my bed and I will remember every opportunity missed and every day spent smoking and dozing and this also terrifies me.

So yes I need to pick a date. And I expect it will be difficult. I am mostly dreading trying to sleep without weed. Insomniac for as long as I can remember since teens and smoking is the ONLY thing which has ever helped me to sleep. I'm not anticipating that it will be easy at all.

Changey, why don't you see your GP, love and ask for proper help. If even anticipating giving up is affecting you this much, you are not going to be successful if you try to do it by yourself

and why would your H "blow up" at you ?

nobody ever died from lack of sleep, btw

your body will take a long time to adjust to not having a constant level of drugs in it...you need professional help, I think

ring your GP today and throw yourself at his/her mercy

oh sorry, "blaze up" is a drug-users term ?

silly me

I don't think the GP could help. I need to figure out why I smoke and find an incentive to stop, and deal with the effects from there. Not easy but not impossible. What worries me is the relapse potential from being around DH, who I adore, but is extremely unlikely to stop himself. Or realising, sober, that we're actually not very interesting people and don't really have an interesting time together.
We weren't always like this. We used to be much lighter users. Life beat us down and the weed helped. Now life is better, but we can't see it through the constant high fogging our minds. And we are TRULY boring people at the moment.

I need to break a whole lot of unhealthy associations in my mind, and would be a hell of a lot easier without the temptation in my face all day. But I'm not prepared to end my marriage because I've decided it's time for some personal change. It's a lot to throw away.

Yes, of course the GP could help. You would be referred to local drug services.

You can't do this by yourself, sorry and you are naive to believe you could

changey...you can see your future on this thread, trapped with kids and a drug-user draining you and giving a very bad example to any future dc

why wouldn't you try to get as much help to kick it if you could ? Unless you don't really want to...

and you may have to face the prospect of kicking your partner into touch if he has not even the intention of stopping

what a bloody mess

snorbs you still around ? help me out here..

A gp absolutely could help. You will need anti depressants. The reason why they tend to put you on a course of them is that without your weed, you have lost your prop. You have to face the real world and will more than likely end up depressed. It's to help you adjust whilst you sort out what you can to deal with the root issue, why you feel you need to smoke it. They can also offer counselling and if you are serious that you want to stop, you can and should take every ounce of help available.

So glad some good is coming from this thread today, and at least 2 posters have been given some food for thought....

I'm not able to speak to my GP about this due to individual circumstances that I cannot go into here.
I don't think it's my role to kick anyone into touch, DH is a grownup and just because I've decided to quit doesn't give me the right to make the same decision on his behalf. Seems unreasonable. I will of course discuss my plans and reasons with him, he may see an opportunity to cut down, he may decide to quit completely (doubtful!), or he may continue to smoke at the same rate - them's the only options.
Now. Once the fog has cleared from my mind and I've made a few life changes, and started filling up the old stoner evenings with new interests and relationships etc, I may look at my marriage with new eyes; if I change as a person and he doesn't, looks like the end of the road. But I'm not about to predict what this journey will bring, and I'm not about to set rules on what another adult can do.
I'm trying to identify other support, as I've said i cannot go down the official 'services' route. Tbh I can see the need for 'services' for harder drug addiction, but for cannabis? I need to stop lying to myself and bite the bullet.

Fate? Be VERY careful of throwing the phrase you will need anti depressants around on the internet to complete strangers. You do not know my medical history and I would predict that you do not prescribe anti-d's for a living. As far as I'm aware, psychiatric drugs are prescribed for mental health issues, which I do not have. I have a cannabis abuse problem. Prescription - stop smoking so much, figure out why so much, figure out what now. Bless you for trying to help, but really - no anti depressants please, as I am not depressed.

changey, I presume your career would prevent you from using drug services ? Or at least you think that is the case, despite both your GP and such services being completely confidential

that makes me worry more about how much you are actually risking (and have risked already) by continuing to smoke

that is some addiction

I totally disagree with Fate.

The op does not need antidepressants. She needs a bicycle, or a new pair of running trainers for either walking or running.

She needs to get out there, breathe fresh air, drink in the sounds of birds, and looking at pretty flowers, enjoy the wind rustling the leaves on trees. She needs to go for walks, enjoy museums, watch good movies, read good books. Anything to lift her spirits and take her mind off things. She needs to experience all these things without the addition of weed in her life.

Do a photography class, learn to see and smell and just be.

(thus spoke an ex weed occasional taker)

AnyFucker - no shit. The extent of the addiction is hitting me today. Thanks to this thread. Out of the blue (well, out of a couple years ignoring my own gut feeling that this is too much everyday, then smoking through the doubts..)
So as you may be able to imagine, I'm a mess. But the upside is, sometimes you have to reach this point before change happens, so the crying and shame is all part of the process iyswim? but not pleasant.

Quintessential Shadows - YES that is exactly the sort of thing I mean. I want to enjoy the world the way I used to without feeling stoned. A photography class sounds a nice idea.

Having been with one addict and knowing three others that all went to gps to quit and being prescribed anti depressants, i would say there is a reason why that happens. I will step away from this thread now. Good luck.

If she doesn't want to go to the gp then that's her choice. I went to the gp for help when I found out I was pg, I got nothing from them. Even my health visitor was more use than the gp.
I think you sound rather sensible changey, but maybe chatting to a counsellor or someone similar could help you fathom why you like to smoke so much. Or even if you could talk to a close friend or family member you can trust? It makes it easier to have someone to sound off to sometimes.

I feel the same about my dp giving up as you do with yours, it's pretty much their choice now and you can't force them in to anything.

Good luck changey, I hope we both get somewhere positive with this.

I smoked weed for ages, every day for years.
Dh still smokes now and it causes problems in our relationship.
I think you actually need to really want to give up for yourself, a bit like for booze I suppose.
Doing it for someone else will not work imho.
I just decided one day that enough was enough, locically I could see that smoking it was not helping my mental health nor was a example for our children. Hiding away at the bottom of the garden all seemed so seedy.
I did'nt have any professional help and actually in my case did'nt need it because I wanted to stop. As annoying as it sounds it really is a psychological addiction rather than physiological.
That was well over five years ago, never had a toke since and never will.
Once I bit the bullet and decided, it was actually far easier to stop than I had ever imagined.

Just want to say thanks to the posters who have actually given good advice or shared stories

Thanks but I do not rely on anecdotal evidence to make decisions about powerful psychiatric drugs. anti depressants probably worked for the people you know because they had emotional needs that required them to take the drugs. Personally I have found GP's waaaay to quick to throw anti depressants at a problem, but that's just my own personal experience. Perhaps if I was smoking to block out hideous abuse memories and required support to process those feelings once the self-medication is gone, then they may be appropriate. However, I am completely mentally healthy, I just smoke too much cannabis and need to grow up and stop kidding myself that it's ok.

Thanks for trying to help - but again I stress that it's dangerous to tell people that they 'should' take strong drugs like that. Perhaps your local GP is subsidised by pharmaceutical companies ;) seems to be passing them out like sweeties amongst the addicts.

Thanks GetTheeToANunnery - I hope your situation improves. Your thread has switched something on in my mind and I'm grateful for the insight. Best wishes to you and your family, it's a tricky issue to handle eh.

Wow people can really be quite rude when they've asked for advice can't they? Yes some people have stepped over the line but being short tempered when the vast majority of people on here have personally experience of this either for themselves or someone they love is a bit uncalled for.

All anyone on this thread wants is for you and your son to live happily and healthily. It can be done.