Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting a bit fed up of dp and his weed :(

221 replies

GetTheeToANunnery · 13/05/2012 17:22

He promised before we had ds he would stop smoking/cut down. 2 years on and he's still smoking every day :(
I've tried making comprimises by asking he at least doesn't smoke during the day due to ds being around, this works for a couple of weeks and then it's back to normal again. I tried saying fine, you can smoke up to 2 spliffs a day and then however much you want on an evening. Again lasts a couple of weeks.

Today we went out to a kids birthday and now he's gone off out with his jar of weed to the pub.

He smokes so much and has done for years, he's not your average stoner. Runs a very successful company, not lazy etc. I don't think he'll ever give up :(

I also smoke a couple of spliffs a night, have done since I met him. Would love to give up but it's so hard while he's smoking every chance he gets.

I've threatened loads of times to leave over it, sick of making threats now though. What should I do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 19:59

what a lot of parents need to understand is that the example you set your kids is often one that they will take on and surpass

they have pleasant, useless, stoned parents...ok

they take that...and build on it

what direction do we think there is a good chance it will go in ?

FateLovesTheFearless · 13/05/2012 20:03

Harmless! The shakes, the irritability, the paranoia when withdrawing is not harmless to those having to live with it. I have a brother dead from suicide that was a heavy smoker and diagnosed with social paranoia before he died. Harmless indeed.

That's without enabling drug dealers to keep selling and it's a well known fact weed is often the stepping stone to harder drugs. Hmm

PurplePidjin · 13/05/2012 20:16

My first serious relationship age 16 was with a stoner. The jealousy, paranoia and apparently funny "jokes" at my expense fucked up my relationships for over 10years. I will be eternally grateful that, when a few years after we split he tried to blame me "not putting my foot down" for his use of cannabis, I had the sense to laugh in his face. He's 8 years older than me.

My mum's friends ds had a nervous breakdown age 15 due to weed - psychosis, hallucinations, paranoia. He's mid twenties now and only got his first job two years ago (shop work) He's very bright and is desperately trying to get some qualifications so he can get out of dead-end call Centre work.

Very fucking harmless Hmm

dictionarydiva · 13/05/2012 20:16

I echo a poster a couple of pages ago who (and I apologise for not quoting word for word) said that it simply is just horrible for kids to grow up with parents who are forever pissed or stoned. That, I think is the main issue here. We can debate the rights and wrongs of cannabis use and alcohol use etc until the cows come home, but at the end of the day it's just not behaviour that a child should be observing regularly (or at all, really).

My parents never used drugs or anything and barely drank when I was growing up, so I never saw them in any state of inebriation, but I had a friend when I was in infant school whose mum was a single mother (I only point that out to illustrate that she was the only adult in the house) who often smoked weed and drank to excess. The friend found her behaviour very scary and I remember her getting upset at my house once and crying to my mum, saying she didn't want to see "mum falling around, being silly". I think however much you think it isn't having an impact on your child, it probably is, one way or another.

curiositykitten · 13/05/2012 20:29

To me, it'd be less about the fact that he's smoking weed, and more about the fact that he continues to break his promise to you. Is that what you want for your DS? To think that's an acceptable way to treat someone you love?

Olympia2012 · 13/05/2012 20:39

Those side effects sound horrific!! And yet you get loons comparing drug use to having an alcoholic drink in the evening!

PurplePidjin · 13/05/2012 20:51

Alcohol is another drug, Olympia, just a more socially acceptable one. The side effects of any addiction are horrific Sad

differentnameforthis · 14/05/2012 04:11

Unless you think a couple shouldn't share a bottle of wine of an evening, this argument doesn't stand up

Well it does, doesn't it. If they go into A&E (for example) stoned they are more likely to get reported to SS than if they have had one or two glasses of wine.

differentnameforthis · 14/05/2012 04:14

2 spliffs in the space of 3 hours just makes me relaxed

Relaxed enough so that your reactions are slower? If so, that is exactly the same as being 'squiffy' from 2 glasses of wine.

differentnameforthis · 14/05/2012 04:18

So where does this friend get the weed to grow it? How do you know that he isn't buying it from someone who DOES sell to kids, or sells to someone who does?

Right at the very end of the chain there are dealers who just want the money & have no limits as to what they will do to get it.

SchrodingersMew · 14/05/2012 04:47

OP, I don't understand why you say you can't give up if he doesn't. Cannabis is not physically addictive, there's no excuse of having a gripping addiction.

That's coming from someone who is guilty of smoking occasionally myself (only when DS is not in the house though). It's not something you feel you need to do and although you say it just makes you relaxed it slows your reactions down and can make you sleep deeper, I would be terrified of sleeping through a fire alarm or my child screaming.

Why not suggest trying hypnotism? Since it is the habit you both have to break it might be helpful.

SchrodingersMew · 14/05/2012 04:51

Different name - The OP says he grows it, it is very easy to buy seeds as they are not illegal. Cannabis is only illegal when it is planted or prepared to smoke and even then you wouldn't be arrested with less than a certain amount, I am sure.

When used responsibly it isn't a horrible drug, it is complete abuse of it that causes problems and unlike alcohol it does have a lot of beneficial effects, hence why it is legal for medicinal uses in other parts of the world and is prescribed in the UK in inhaler form.

SchrodingersMew · 14/05/2012 05:03

Just realised my comments make me look like I am promoting drug use, I am not, I'm half asleep and it's just coming across wrong.

And if it's "skunk" that is being talked about then it's a whole different story and completely ignore everything I have said. That really doesn't have any benefits and is basically the equivilent of crack to coke and will get you arrested.

SirSugar · 14/05/2012 07:53

Haven't read whole thread but do you realise how bad weed stinks. I can smell it sometimes on people in public. Its vile.

So other people probably know you are smoking the stuff, at least I would if either of you came anywhere near me.

Kayano · 14/05/2012 08:02

Think op can't threaten to leave over it of she smokes herself. Maybe quit before you pretend to have the higher moral ground Hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2012 08:03

This is a 'pot calling the kettle black' problem. I've no sympathy either for the OP or her husband. Neither want to stop so both are as bad as each other.

squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 08:20

I totally agree Cogito.

I get the feeling that OPs "only two spliffs a night" had definately touched the sides and she was stones while posting....

squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 08:20

stoned... not stones!

Original poster
GetTheeToANunnery · 14/05/2012 08:35

Pisses me off when people don't actually read anything you write. Where did I say I don't want to give up?
I want us both to give up. I don't want ds to ever notice it.
Came here asking for a bit of help and advice but only a few posters where able to help. I won't bother coming back.

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 14/05/2012 08:36

Well, you've recognised that you too have a problem and that's good. I don't think you're as 'bad' as he is though.

If the weed isn't there then I couldn't care less. If it is there then I have to smoke it.

This sounds just like I used to be. It honestly wasn't hard to give up once I made a few changes in my life to ensure I wasn't around it. On the other hand, I'd be surprised if your DP can give up without professional help, given how much he's smoking and for how long. I don't think you'll be able to do it while you're around him, sorry. I think you need to separate, at least until he's sorted himself out. Do it for your DC and do it for you. Oh, and being a single parent does rock in lots of ways. Good luck.

Original poster
GetTheeToANunnery · 14/05/2012 08:41

Thankyou plenty. I agree it's going to be a big job for dp to give up, his level of addiction is so much stronger than mine.
I'm making plans to leave for a bit. We've spoken about it last night and have both agreed this is the very last chance. I wouldn't mind having a smoke on a special occasion at some points in the future but I need to stop having it every night.
And no squeaky, I was not stoned at the time of posting Hmm

OP posts:
MiseryBusiness · 14/05/2012 08:46

I have been in a relationship with a heavy weed smoker. He was so difficult to be around, moody, anger problems, he would fly off the handle at the smallest things, totally paranoid. I couldnt even walk to the shop without having the spanish inquisition when I got home.

He always maintained smoking weed 'chilled him out' but it actually did the opposit.

I have smoked in my younger years and to all the people saying weed is harmless, its only once you have given up and been away from that life, those kind of people that you find some real perspective and realise it is truly damaging.

Drug takers/addicts will always go to great lengths to defend their habbit. As far as I can see its because deep down they know its wrong.

OP, I think you need to get some help with giving up yourself. It sounds like you are as addicted to it as you dp.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2012 09:04

"Where did I say I don't want to give up? "

Would love to give up but it's so hard while he's smoking every chance he gets.

That is not the sentiment of someone that wants to give up. They are the words of someone that is so half-hearted about accepting responsibility for their own problem that they prefer to blame it on someone else. It's a 'must get around to it sometime' deal.

Mumsyblouse · 14/05/2012 09:05

Schrodinger, although technically weed isn't supposed to be physiologically addictive, I have met loads of people who can't give up their puff.

There might be several reasons for that: they might be addicted to the nicotine if they smoke a large amount of tobacco with it (often without filters), heavy users also get lung cancer and smoking-related illnesses for the same reason but tend not to think of themselves as smokers; there might be a psychological reason why the person feels dependent on an external substance (this can range from self-medicating mental health issues to depending on their two joints to keep them regular/stop constipation, I kid you not, I've come across this loads of times!)

Op, the onus is on you to lead by example, to your partner and your child. All your fears about normalising its use are just as likely to occur if your child sees you lighting up every evening (ok, a small child will notice, but an older child or teen will smell, see and so on, they are not stupid). This is the same as for alcohol, except it's illegal and may create child protection issues. Why is that joint so incredibly precious to you that you simply can't give it up? ( I don't drink, so don't bother telling me its just the same as drink, I get that, which is why living with an alcohol-dependent father is no fun).

AnyFucker · 14/05/2012 09:07

You are leaving for a bit ?

OK. Not a bad idea if you think you can't quit while you are around him. Btw, it's not "quitting" if you have already given yourself permission to do it again in the future. THat sounds more like a "break" than quitting. Are you serious about it or not ? Just sayin'

What is he going to do while you are gone ? Seek professional help?

Swipe left for the next trending thread