To think DH should be able to control his temper and not smack DCs when he is angry?

[xeno]

I know I'm not perfect. I spent several years with severe PND so bad I felt DCs shouldn't be left alone in my company. Gradually I have climbed out of my hole and had them for longer periods by myself and am now taking on much more housework and childcare and beginning to be a proper SAHM. Unfortunately I also have fatigue and pain which I am battling to overcome and currently I have some "normal" weeks but am still incapacitated some of the time. We still have a child carer three days a week and a cleaning lady and help from parents&MIL.

But all this has taken its toll on DH. TBH it would help if my parents didn't come round (whole other story) because they are stressy so I am trying to get up in mornings (my worst time) so DH not alone with DCs at breakfast/school run. But I do play my part during day with DC2, after school, cooking meals, evenings, bedtime routine, housework, organising paperwork, banking, etc. and we both do childcare at weekends. but when I am ill I do have to go to bed. Usually for a few days during which the entire house gets trashed.. I have learned to control my temper and now deal (IMO) very calmly with tantrums and stressful situations and keep my temper.

But When DH is angry (most of the time) he smacks DCs for being annoying, or really minor naughtiness. I think he is out of order. He thinks it is because he is under so much pressure. I try to take pressure off him by looking after DCs so he can have a few hours to do his own thing by himself, and he then tells his DM that he has "done everything" and is very stressed and tired because he "hasn't had any rest". I am pissed off that even though I have been getting better and have been much better for last 5 months (apart from physical illness) he seems to be getting worse. Sorry this has turned into a huge rant!

It doesn't sound like a very happy home for your children to grow up in.

What would help - if your parents came round less frequently? Would that help his stress or make him more stressed?

Why is your home getting trashed?

Blimey, how old are the Dcs.
Think your OH and them need some rules

YANBU...I got smacked in anger growing up and I hated my mother for it!!!

The thing that worries me most is the other day DC1 said to me "don't go upstairs because nasty daddy is angry and he will hit you". I don't think that DH would ever hit me, he has never threatened me in any way, but he has struck DCs and cat and I have told him this is out of order. He says" Pot kettle black" because of my past mental health

He hits your children and your cat?!

This is not a home I would want to live in tbh.

You need to do something to change things. I know it's not going to be easy in your situation, but it's so unfair for children to grow up in a house where they fear the very people who are supposed to make them feel so loved and secure.

What is going to happen when they get big enough to hit back?

He needs anger management classes now, if he can't see it as a problem then he's not worth staying with.

I wouldn't want my child to live in fear.

I would never stand for anyone laying a finger on my children out of anger, never mind their father.

I have to say, I think you are doing a major injustice to your children by allowing this to go on.

I felt like crying when I read what your DC1 had said to you.

There is no point coming on here to rant about it, if you're unwilling to actually do anything to protect your children.

I feel so, so sorry for your poor kids.

Home getting trashed because toys get left out, nothing EVER gets put away, and I am only person who ever tidies away breakfast things (he used to tidy up after tea but isn't at the moment) and paperwork/toys/rubbish/shoes/clothes get dumped on kitchen table/sofa/fire guard/floor and not dealt with. When I am well enough I spend several hours a day picking everything up and putting away just trying to keep on top it it all. I am so much happier when I have a tidy house but DH is really messy (and doesn't know it)

'DC1 said to me "don't go upstairs because nasty daddy is angry and he will hit you"'

Your children sound very young, and they are afraid of their father. If they are warning you, they don't see you as a source of support or strength either.
So who looks out for them?
Are your parents able to take over some of the childcare, take the children to their house, give them a more stable environment? Are they visiting all the time because they are worried about you and the children?
Go to the GP again, share the actual circumstances honestly and get some help for you and your children. Your DH needs to be honest too, does he like his children being afraid? Would he go to counselling?
Either that or consider your options, such as would your parents look after you and the children for a month or two in their home?

I doubt the state of the house is the biggest worry your children have.

Sod the mess, toys lying around in heaps is a minor issue compared to your partner hitting your children. How old are they? Under 8? Under 5?

The really ironic thing is we started out attachment parenting when DC1 was born. He was a complete nightmare baby and slinging him all the time was a godsend and kept us all sane. We are really close as a family when everyone is in a good mood. We both still cuddle DCs to sleep at night and often wake up all in the same bed. When he is not angry he is a good father and DCs do love him, DC2 often prefers DH over me, but when he is stressed/angry/tired he is like a bear with a sore head. I think the stress of the last few years has got to him, which I feel largely to blame for even though I know it's not my fault. He needs help doesn't he.

Parents should never smack their children in anger. Please

When a person hits a child out of anger it's called violence and it's abusive.

He's clearly not coping and is using your mental health problems to justify his abuse. Your child sounds frightened and intimidated and you need to make it clear that yes, You were unwell but you are getting better and will not sit back and let him hurt your children because he is failing.

You can be strong for them.

3.5 & 5

I think the stress of the last few years has got to him, which I feel largely to blame for even though I know it's not my fault.

It's not your children's fault, either!

I don't understand why you have written this thread, then refused to address any of the issues other posters have brought up specifically about your DCs.

Your children need to be somewhere where they are safe, and know they are loved.

Please please put your kids and yourself first. Anger does escalate and can lead to bigger problems. Your partner needs anger management and also find better ways to discipline the children. You say he never hit you and that is great but he can also turn his anger on you. The best of luck with everything and I hope your family will pull thru this difficult times. Take care!!

Staying with my parents would be bad for my mental health. As soon as I am physically well enough (had a lot of pain this week resulting in ambulance ride to a&e, morphine and now home on pain Meds) I will arrange trip to PIL so he can have whole weekend off. I think I need to organise more trips out during week as well

I've noticed that in some relationships, one partner will cope really well when the other is having major problems and then cops out unexpectedly when the other starts to recover.

The 'coping' partner seems to expect the one experiencing problems to be 'all better' and not merely 'on the way to being all better'. It sounds like this is how your DH feels, which is not realistic of him.

It sounds like he would benefit from talking about his feelings to a professional and that would hopefully have knock-on positive effects for everyone.

I feel for you xeno, it sounds like a crap situation for all of you :(

TBH, i would tell dh that he needs anger management, to make an appointment to sort his behaviour out, or that i would contact ss and inform them that your children are at risk because of his physical abuse.

You can not, ever, ever let him hit them again, EVER.
I know that you are not well, and maybe he isn't well either, but he needs to get help and stop this, he also needs to realise that you acted that way before because you were unwell, but that you have changed, so now he needs to aswell.
Im very hormonal at the moment and i cried when i read what your child said to you, i don't know how you reacted to it, but that would break my heart if ds ever said that to me.

Your children are living in a very abusive and confusing relationship. To be cuddled and snuggled and then hit and then cuddled is a traumatic existence for them.
To be afraid and have no one that will protect you or deflect or explain and calm a situation is dreadful as an adult, but as a young child with no options?
A teenager will tell you to fuck off, or hit you back or walk out of an abusive parenting situation. Your children are trapped in this for the next decade unless you do something about it.
GP, parents, SS Do something!

'Staying with my parents would be bad for my mental health. '

What about sending your children to them for a week, so that you and your husband can work out what you are going to do next.

Are you managing to attend any groups etc with your youngest, or is he in nursery?

It sounds as though you need a joint strategy for teaching the children to tidy upafter themselves.

I am a LP and work full time, i was a carer for my DH (now passed), i have had no choice but to get my DDs to a level of independance,it makes life easier for everyone and much more enjoyable.

As you get better, it is common for a carer to then start to vent their frustrations. He probably hasn't viewed himself as a carer, or your PILS/P's, but they are and this does impact on everyone in some way.

To even start to put this right will take a lot of honest communication.

Feeling guilty will not hel in any way, so sorry but you need to get over those feelings, perhaps counselling for you?

What is your relationship like with the P's/MIL, are they supportive?

How are they with your DH and your children?

I am wondering why the house is in that state if you are getting so much help?