To think DH should be able to control his temper and not smack DCs when he is angry?

[xeno]

I know I'm not perfect. I spent several years with severe PND so bad I felt DCs shouldn't be left alone in my company. Gradually I have climbed out of my hole and had them for longer periods by myself and am now taking on much more housework and childcare and beginning to be a proper SAHM. Unfortunately I also have fatigue and pain which I am battling to overcome and currently I have some "normal" weeks but am still incapacitated some of the time. We still have a child carer three days a week and a cleaning lady and help from parents&MIL.

But all this has taken its toll on DH. TBH it would help if my parents didn't come round (whole other story) because they are stressy so I am trying to get up in mornings (my worst time) so DH not alone with DCs at breakfast/school run. But I do play my part during day with DC2, after school, cooking meals, evenings, bedtime routine, housework, organising paperwork, banking, etc. and we both do childcare at weekends. but when I am ill I do have to go to bed. Usually for a few days during which the entire house gets trashed.. I have learned to control my temper and now deal (IMO) very calmly with tantrums and stressful situations and keep my temper.

But When DH is angry (most of the time) he smacks DCs for being annoying, or really minor naughtiness. I think he is out of order. He thinks it is because he is under so much pressure. I try to take pressure off him by looking after DCs so he can have a few hours to do his own thing by himself, and he then tells his DM that he has "done everything" and is very stressed and tired because he "hasn't had any rest". I am pissed off that even though I have been getting better and have been much better for last 5 months (apart from physical illness) he seems to be getting worse. Sorry this has turned into a huge rant!

I think you need some family therapy. Your children are probably very confused. Hitting out of anger is violent and abusive - and it's never ok - I know its hard for you being ill - but you need to protect your children.

I have tried talking to him but it will take a while for it to sink in. At the moment he is throwing it back at me and in denial that this is as serious as I am trying to tell him it is. TBH I posted out of sheer frustration that he can't seem to control his anger when I can now manage to. Seeing it written down and your responses makes it more clear to me that this situation is worse than I had realised.

((((hugs))))) This sounds like a really hard situation. I think you and DH need to tal about what is ok and whats not. Also you obviously need extra support in some shame or form.

As far as the house goes, you need to chat about this too but where possible you are going to need to turn a blind eye.

FWIW I think SS is a total over reaction.

Like others have said-it doesnt matter how stress and tired your husband is, it is NO excuse for hitting your children in anger

I say this as someone who is not necessarily opposed to smacking children. But never never never in anger.

It IS abusive

You have a duty to protect them from him. If you fail to do that, then eventually social services will be alerted and they will step in

it si not an over reaction sleep
If a parent hits their children, then SS WILL get involved

SS can give guidance, access to respite and counselling. They can inform about services, playgroups and support groups that might be some help, and liaise with the school and nursery.
It's not all media Spanish Inquisition swooping and melodrama.

Having a social worker come in can really help some families.

They are not "The Baddies".

Just my opinion, rightly or wrongly. I honestly can't see SS being interested in a parent smacking their child, still pretty common - non?

I have readt too many things that make me thong actually SS can be baddies.

A child warning a parent that angry daddy will hit her is not a normal situation, and completely different to a parent giving a smack as a means of discipline.
SS should be interested in supporting a struggling family before a situation escalates into a child protection situation.

Smacking for discipline is common yes.

Hitting a child because your angry is not acceptable.

Abuse is against the law.

I understand how the mess can add to your stress.
Get some big boxes to seperate and chuck stuff into, so that you can tidy quickly if you dont have time to put everything away; one for toys;one for clothes;one for paper work etc etc

makes it more clear to me that this situation is worse than I had realised

Tbh, it has probably been more serious than you could have realised given your depression, along while ago.

As i said, your DH probably doesn't realise that he has been your carer. That takes it's toll. Having family come in and help can be a blessing and a curse.

You are on the mend, that is why you are now seeing things differently.

You need to hatch out a plan for this next stage, particulary because you have the school summer holidays comming up.

Are you on the right treatment, when did you last go to your GP.

Who provides the care/cleaner, is this done privately, or via SS.

I agree it is a worrying comment that the child said.

A basket in each room to chuck stuff in will help wit the mess.

When the family dynamic is as fractured as the ops, then violence towards children should be taken extremely seriously.
The aim ss would have ime would be to help support the family,, not remove the children.
It clearly isn't working at the moment otherwise the dad's behaviour wouldn't of begun to esculate to this point, he is also not accepting that he is abusing his children.
This isn't smacking for discipline, it is out of anger, and is so frequent that the children are making references to the hitting, and they also are afraid for their mother, very unsettling tbh.

bab and fallen that is true-maybe you should call SS yourself OP*

I think they would think more favourably of you as well, if you called them rather than you get reported by a teacher at school for example. You are fulfilling your duty to protect, then

How about telling your DH that if hits or shouts at dcs anymore, he wiil have to leave?

To clarify SS's position, they OP's family would be viewed as 'struggling'.

Services can be offered which would be similar to the ones the OP has, but would include the OP attending groups.

The OP would be asked to attend her GP/consultant for an upto date assessment. Support groups would be offered to the DH.

But they may not yet reach the threasehold and having the assessment would be stressful.

I think calling SS is just going to more pressure on this family and we should be addressing the problems and how this can be sorted without ss intervention.

My relationship with PIL a bit strained as they are concerned for DH before me, but they are very supportive and loving and have excellent relationship with DCs. My parents do love me and help out a lot but were really rubbish as parents when I was young. They were worse than useless at protecting me from bullying at school and emotionally abused me themselves. I don't think they meant to, they are just weird about emotions themselves, and "D"M is incredibly selfish, bordering on narscicistic. They have no idea. They have no clue how to look after young children. Their idea of discipline is to be really angry and shout. I used to be a bit like that and sometimes find myself using their tone of voice when I am cross and frustrated (which I really hate) but as I am taking more of a part in things when they are here and letting them see how I now treat my children they seem to have got a bit calmer with them and less shreeky.

How about telling your DH that if hits or shouts at dcs anymore, he wiil have to leave?

The OP clearly is not in a position to care for the children alone.

OP you can self refer for an assessment of needs, as your DH can, under The Carers Recognition Act.

This will not carry a stigma or judgement.

I dont agree with smacking at all, fwiw you need to get dh to recognise the problem, if he gets pissed off, then you take over, do it as a joint responsibility.Defuse aggression in the first place, the children wont pick it up, hence a happier home.

I'd love to think that SS would be that straight forward but just don't.

I have to go now. Good luck op.

OP has PIL and parents support plus childcare.