To think DH should be able to control his temper and not smack DCs when he is angry?

[xeno]

I know I'm not perfect. I spent several years with severe PND so bad I felt DCs shouldn't be left alone in my company. Gradually I have climbed out of my hole and had them for longer periods by myself and am now taking on much more housework and childcare and beginning to be a proper SAHM. Unfortunately I also have fatigue and pain which I am battling to overcome and currently I have some "normal" weeks but am still incapacitated some of the time. We still have a child carer three days a week and a cleaning lady and help from parents&MIL.

But all this has taken its toll on DH. TBH it would help if my parents didn't come round (whole other story) because they are stressy so I am trying to get up in mornings (my worst time) so DH not alone with DCs at breakfast/school run. But I do play my part during day with DC2, after school, cooking meals, evenings, bedtime routine, housework, organising paperwork, banking, etc. and we both do childcare at weekends. but when I am ill I do have to go to bed. Usually for a few days during which the entire house gets trashed.. I have learned to control my temper and now deal (IMO) very calmly with tantrums and stressful situations and keep my temper.

But When DH is angry (most of the time) he smacks DCs for being annoying, or really minor naughtiness. I think he is out of order. He thinks it is because he is under so much pressure. I try to take pressure off him by looking after DCs so he can have a few hours to do his own thing by himself, and he then tells his DM that he has "done everything" and is very stressed and tired because he "hasn't had any rest". I am pissed off that even though I have been getting better and have been much better for last 5 months (apart from physical illness) he seems to be getting worse. Sorry this has turned into a huge rant!

but it wasn't that hard

He is minimising his behaviour, whilst he is doing this, things are not going to change.

How was your relationship before all of this?

xena what was your husband like before you got physically ill?

did you know him before you had MH problems?

I find that people who bring up "tones of voice" in arguments are usually trying to shift the focus from themselves.

You have a point to make and he needs to hear it. Don't let him change the subject.

I think we need to be more more supportive to OP, and not so over-reacting.
some of the comments , I personally feel have been VERY OTT. Like 'if he hits or shouts he will have to leave'. Are you serious. Now a dad shouting at the chidlren means the dad would have to leave?
Involving SS, also seems quite an OTT re-action.
Have any of you actually been in Op's position? Of needing help and finding actually there is very little there. Because I have.
How often is this happening OP? I mean the hitting. How often does your dh hit the children? Daily, weekly, monthly? When did this strat? Please try to be exact. Someone else asked this, but you did not answer.
Explain to us the scenario, more details, of what happens, and why he re-acts this way. Does he use ignoring, sitting on the bottom stair step, turning the tv off, etc. Putting the children to bed early? Does he use all the other techniques available to him, before he resorts to a smack?

I just think, MN, we need to be very careful here. And very supportive. Of a very delicate, unwell, struggling, OP. Believe you me, when I needed help, I begged and begged and pleadad and pleaded, through my Gp, my consultant, everyone. Nothing came of it. Zilch, bugger all. So lets try and help OP on a more practical level first.

He is trying to excuse what he is doing I am so sorry for you but the best advice anyone can give you is to call one of the many organisations who can help you. As someone who works in this field I can say hand on heart that this is abuse pure and simple. Please give yourself and your children a chance to lead a happy fear free life.

what babs said

my abusive stbxh used to complain about my 'tone of voice' all the time-which is why i asked about their relationship previous to OPs illness, and her mental health

oblomov there has been some very good and supportive advice, particularly given by birds and babs It is clear OP needs support. But also her children need to be protected. It is not ok to continue to let that happen if 'it is only happening once a week'

Agree with obvlo. Even though I suggested asking DH to leave if he hits DCs again but only as an alternative to the OTT suggestion if calling SS.

I appreciate some of the advcie.
But she really needs help immediately.
But she won't get that. It will take months, maybe nearer a year.
With a disability, I was told I was top priority for counselling. 1 year later, I'm still on the waiting list. Even my world known consultant chasing , couldn't get me seen any sooner. Often waiting lists are 6-9 months, minimum. So how soon, do you think Op will be seen?
She already gets DLA. She deserves every penny she gets, because whatever rate she is on, be it £192 or whatever, it doesn't stretch very far. She needs so much help, in so many ways, And I fear, many of these, will come down to money, and she won't get it.
So we need to help her, in maybe other ways.

Sleep, What do you think will happen if SS are involved?

Honest question.

Can I just say that if these kids and mummy are in danger which by the way they are as smacking a child in anger stands as abuse, they would certainly get help quickly. This family needs help whether it be with dad or without and I hope the op listens to the advice she has been given before the temper gets worse. Social services will not judge the op they will get involved in making sure ese kids are safe and that mummy has the help she needs and indeed daddy too if he is willing to admit there is a problem.

i dont think anyone here can help her oblom?

So how do you suggest we help her, Oblomov?
And her two children?

Babooshka, do you mean what support SS can offer, once they have estbalished that a child is not in immediate danger?

Allyours, who knows, I think its a very last resort to involve SS though.

Perhaps the school will notice the impact both literally and figuratively on the children and offer support. Because that's one of our roles as teachers, and one of our duties in safeguarding.

Fallen, I am really soory if I appeared arrogant or sanctimonious. I openly admit that I have NO answers at all. I am just saying that it is a very difficult and delicate situation.

The op and her children will be classed as being in danger of some description and I don't think it is the op who needs the services of a counsellor I think it is her hubby. I would suggest that the op calls social services and asks to have a chat with a key worker as this will start the ball rolling for her. If you are afraid that your family will be split then believe me this is the last thing anyone would want. These organisations are here to help you not rip you all apart.

So the children will continue to be shouted at and hit, then cuddled and loved for as long as the situation is unresolved. Let's hope they can cope with it then.
It sounds very confusing, but at least he's not hitting you OP.

It will take months, maybe nearer a year

An initial assessment is now 28 days max. There are changes in policy constantly. Also there are differences between LA's, soit isn't always helpful to quote your own experience.

Unless you live in the same area as the OP and your circumstances are identical.

It is the emotional damage that they children may be suffering from that i would worry about. It has been a confusing and ever changing time for them, because of the OP's illness.

There is time to prevent lasting damage.

'Fallen, I am really soory if I appeared arrogant or sanctimonious.'

You are not, but if the GP and the grandparents and the SS are not the answer, then those two children are going to become yet another pair wandering through the school system fucked up before they've begun because of the lack of thought and care due them. because the adults can't work out a solution and they are too small to resist, fight back or even have a voice to be heard.
I've been doing my job too long perhaps. I should have developed an ability to disassociate from the damaged children I encounter year after year.
Flipping burgers would be a lot easier.

I don't think it is the op who needs the services of a counsellor

The OP has talked about emotional abuse by her DM and neglect by her parents. There is still problems, so this will be part of a plan put together for the OP.

The DH finds them difficult, they don't sound like a positive influence.

Fallen speaks a lot of sense she is correct these kids will be damaged one way or another. The op needs to spend her time looking at her options and realising that these kids are in danger. Also would like to point out he is hitting these kids in anger not smacking them in a calm controlled way ( although IMO that is just as bad ) and that is ABUSE. Please get the help you need ASAP before this escalates.

A social worker at the very least will be able to speak to OPs DH about how he isn't coping.

There are lots of charities and groups set up for people like OP and her family. Groups for her and the children to go, Parenting and anger management courses for her husband, Career groups for him to attend.

All these things a SW can set up. They are there to help families not hurt them.

Right now there are two children who are being intimidated and hurt by a man who cannot cope. His wife is sick but trying her best. This family need help, SS will provide that.

Whoops carer groups