To think DH should be able to control his temper and not smack DCs when he is angry?

[xeno]

I know I'm not perfect. I spent several years with severe PND so bad I felt DCs shouldn't be left alone in my company. Gradually I have climbed out of my hole and had them for longer periods by myself and am now taking on much more housework and childcare and beginning to be a proper SAHM. Unfortunately I also have fatigue and pain which I am battling to overcome and currently I have some "normal" weeks but am still incapacitated some of the time. We still have a child carer three days a week and a cleaning lady and help from parents&MIL.

But all this has taken its toll on DH. TBH it would help if my parents didn't come round (whole other story) because they are stressy so I am trying to get up in mornings (my worst time) so DH not alone with DCs at breakfast/school run. But I do play my part during day with DC2, after school, cooking meals, evenings, bedtime routine, housework, organising paperwork, banking, etc. and we both do childcare at weekends. but when I am ill I do have to go to bed. Usually for a few days during which the entire house gets trashed.. I have learned to control my temper and now deal (IMO) very calmly with tantrums and stressful situations and keep my temper.

But When DH is angry (most of the time) he smacks DCs for being annoying, or really minor naughtiness. I think he is out of order. He thinks it is because he is under so much pressure. I try to take pressure off him by looking after DCs so he can have a few hours to do his own thing by himself, and he then tells his DM that he has "done everything" and is very stressed and tired because he "hasn't had any rest". I am pissed off that even though I have been getting better and have been much better for last 5 months (apart from physical illness) he seems to be getting worse. Sorry this has turned into a huge rant!

birds what happens if the family continues as they are and someone else reports dh to SS for hitting the kids?

would they be viewed less favourably than if they had asked for help themselves?

So that means the parents-in-law and the parents getting involved more practically then, and the couple being able to sit down and discuss what's going wrong and how to fix it. What they can put in place to reduce the triggers that lead to the violence.
Plus the GP and other medical professionals.
The school will refer children to SS if they see a real concern, either emotional or physical damage on the child. They have a duty of care.

My mum rang SS for herself when me and my brothers were younger as her and dad both started hitting out in anger.

They were great a help to her and us. They got me a counselor and my brothers and I went to a family center some afternoons so that she could have a break (It was like a little after school club).

It was never suggested we be "taken off them"

OP when did dh start hitting the kids? has he always?

How do you feel about asking for help, counselling etc.

It doesn't come as a surprise that you have been emotionally abused, there may be root causes to your depression that have yet to be tackled.

Posters are, at present being harsh on DH, he shouldn't be smacking but he is under a lot of pressure and having your P's around won't be helping.

'When he is not angry he is a good father'

It's easy to be a good parent when everything's rosy and we're in the right sort of mood for it. A good parent is someone who manages to treat their children well even when things are tough and stressful. We all get angry and do things we regret, but routinely hitting one's children and pets is absolutely unacceptable.

I often get annoyed at how quick people are to think the worst when someone posts about their relationship on MN, but in this case I agree with all those people who are telling you to get help. Your GP or HV should be able to set you on the right track. Or perhaps even the NSPCC - you could call for advice without giving your details.

Good luck - I really hope things improve for your family soon.

would they be viewed less favourably than if they had asked for help themselves

No they won't. Without an assessment they will be viewed as being under emmense pressure and 'victims' of circumstance.

It is tough when one parent becomes seriously ill, that is what has happened.

birds I dont think any amount of pressure, can excuse hitting your kids (or the cat)

even the NSPCC

The NSPCC may run groups in your area, they are linked to SS, but you can access help without having SS intervention, as such.

Your family would benefit from Family Support and all of their services, this would be passed over to them from SS (a SW), if you go to SS for help.

You would be viewed as 'lower level' and this would take th eform of services/groups/play groups/direct parenting courses, etc, as well as helping you with appointments.

Does dh work? Or is he your carer? Sounds like he needs support

oh God, the summer holidays... I think me and DCs will plan some travelling "to let daddy have a break". But I'm not going to stay with my mother. Did that for a week last summer and she twice put DCs in actual serious danger by her inattentiveness. Thank God nothing bad actually happened to either of them.

I dont think any amount of pressure, can excuse hitting your kids

It can, especially combined with other factors. What is now important that the issues are addressed and overcome.

This isn't about making judgements. Carers are under emmense pressure, especially when it is a spouse and there are young children.

We all have different coping levels and skills.

Yy Birds. That's what they did for my mum and us. She was a disabled parent and they really went out of their way to help our family.

They really can help xeno.

You do get outside help, a cleaning lady , so why is the place such a mess. I feel sorry for your children , the cat and you.

What's the physical problem? You mention pain,ambulance etc?

I think me and DCs will plan some travelling

I think that you need to stay and sort thi sout and only plan on a break if you all agree that it is the best course of action.

I question relying on your DM to much, if you still have isssues, it will not put you in a mentally well position, even without your other problems.

DH works 30 hrs/w in a professional job. We have just lost ESA (which is how I was paying for extra help) and I am in process of appealing for support group. We can cut down on spending and DH can do some overtime and we have savings but he is a bit stressed about the loss of money, so this may be a factor. But I don't feel completely ready to cut down on child carers hours just yet. I am trying to economise and make more of own food and freeze so we are not eating so much convenience foods. I've picked up a second second hand freezer so doubling freezer space and need to organise my week so that I do the main shop in cheaper shops. ATM DH tends to pop into s'burys and get easy/quick food but it is working out quite expensive. We still have independent butcher locally and he is often cheaper than supermarkets! But you have to get there in morning before he sells everything and closes! It's just so much that I am taking on at once and hoping that I can keep it together.

kilmuir I don't understand it myself! It is bloody annoying when I spend several hours getting the house respectable and then it is just as bad again by the following morning! I need to instigate a tidy up activity with kids as part of bedtime routine but it all takes energy getting everyone to do what I say.

With the level of support that you require you sound as though DLA was applicable, did you not apply?

Is a welfare benefits organisation handling your appeal?

Would you ask for help? Yours is the type of situation that the support services are designed for, even the befriending/homestart services.

olympia not sure! Might out myself if I give too much info but I think there are two separate problems, possibly autonomic nerve damage and something not quite right with lymphatic system. I def have something wrong with certain muscles (not contracting properly) and loss of sensation but waiting to see yet another consultant..

I hate to say this but if a child or adult is living in fear then that is a form of abuse. Really do you want your children to grow up thinking this behaviour is ok. He needs to learn to control his temper and hitting a child or animal in anger is totally out of order. There are organisations who can help you with these issues. I suggest you call them ASAP before this spirals out of control. Once again children should not live in fear and for a child to know daddy is angry so stay out of his way is certainly NOT normal.

I get lower rate care and mobility DLA due to mental health (at least until we get changed to PIP) but as I feel better mentally I keep thinking I should update them which means new assessment. But morally speaking I am still quite disabled at times (although for different reasons) so haven't told them health changed yet.

I was crying earlier and DH noticed and asked me what was wrong so I said I was upset because he had hit the DCs in anger. He said "when did I last do that?" then remembered that he had smacked DC2 that very morning. ("but it wasn't that hard") He was quite angry with me and defensive. I said it didn't matter how hard or not he hit them, he should not hit them at all. He said "plenty of kids throughout history have been hit and it didn't do them any harm". I said I disagreed and so does the society we live in. He then equated my "angry tone of voice" with his smacking. I mostly speak very calmly and don't get angry with them (with occasional lapses into irritation). He said I spoke to him in a really condescending manner. I think I spoke very calmly. He has this thing with my "tone of voice" and often takes offence if I use the wrong tone of voice when what I have said is completely innocent and I wasn't aware of having any "tone". He has been off stewing and doing DIY. I am going to go see my GP next week.

Sorry for the drip feeding, I have to keep popping on when I can.

As long as you fit the criteria still, which you do there is no need to 'update' them.

Wait for your consultant appointment, this may help to get you awarded a higher rate.

Personally i would ask for an assessment for you and your DH, from adult services. You can self refer or ask your GP.