alarm bell just rang in my head

[OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree]

and now I cant shake it

what the actual fuck :(

I posted the other day about him changing his plans

any way.... last night, he gets in at 1am, and today he's gone out again to do some thing which is totally out of character for him to do (involves motorbikes, he has never paid any interest in bikes before)

We moved house 5 weeks ago, since then he's been out 2/3 times a week with work, drinks here, quiz nights etc im never asked out on these things which is fine, but last night he went to this black tie dinner at a big hotel, and i know partners went - he never asked me to accompany him and have a night out :(

3 weeks ago I wanted to phone his sister and tried to get in his phone (he has a pass code on it, which he had told me) but he had changed it, and when I asked him about it he said his blackberry had encouraged him to change it, then he changed the subject, but that would be the first time in over a year he has changed his passcode... he didnt say "oh yeah, its now blah blah"

now I have these doubts, its all I can think of.

im 7 months PG with baby number 3... oh

You must be feeling dreadful about this, especially being pregnant, am so sorry for you.

As I always say in this matters, trust your instincts. They are the most important thing you possess.

What's your relationship like generally? How long have you been together? Has he always been faithful?

The main suspicion you should have is that you are being taken completely for granted and he doesn't consider you particularly important. Like the front door, you'll always be there when he chooses to come home. A blackberry code isn't much to go on but I think I'd be asking some very searching questions and doing a bit more checking up.

when I have said befor that I dont feel like I matter, im just here with kids, ironing etc, his reply is that "yeah and I will just keep paying the mortgage"

doesnt bode well

So you're a kept woman then? A sort of household appliance on legs devotedly keeping the place running until he deigns to come home bringing his salary with him? Charming I think you have the 'we need to talk' chat... and put a bit of welly behind it by threatening to leave him if he doesn't shape up.

actually, i work too

Even worse then. Your contribution, whether domestic or financial, is not valued. He 'pays the mortgage' and seems to think that's his side of the bargain fulfilled.

what the actual fuckery am i doing

So if he went to his black the does that mean you cancelled your craft fair thing?

I saw your other thread and I have to say I had the same instincts but judged that you didn't need and were perhaps unready for that suggestion.

The answer to this is going to be in that Blackberry I'm afraid and so you've got to find a way to access it.

When suspicions like this arise and it's difficult to get proof, as Cogito says you mustn't lose sight of what's in the open domain; his contemptuous behaviour towards you. I can guess the reasons for that and can also guess that he wasn't always as bad as that, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed with him and continued to have children.

So you work with what you know and is irrefutable. Instigate a chat about how unhappy you are with this behaviour and ask him to account for it. You are likely to get an outright denial if you ask him about an affair or someone else, so I don't think there's any point in doing so. Just stick to what's known and is definitely unacceptable.

But if you want this to come to a head and get resolved one way or another, the phone is the key. So sorry for you, this must be so distressing at this time.

and the HILARIOUS thing is, tomorrow, was going to be our one day as a family to go out, as we are living in a building site, doing major renovations, and he announces that his work are doing a "walk" together, from one of their houses, 2 miles to the pub for sunday lunch and his WHOLE team are going.
we agreed we wouldnt go, he EMAILS me yesterday with "About Sunday, we have to go, sorry"

funnily enough, i dont want to go out with all his career lady friends from work whilst my hips feel like their being cracked in half so he can have a lovely real ale beer while i run around after the two kids etc.

fuck im cross now

Ohh he fits the script nicely. Setting you up to fail. He knew damn well his heavily pregnant wife is not going to walk 4 miles round trip to a PUB. So he is scot free to do what he likes. He invited you after all. You FAILED to accept, your problem. Classic.

I'll eat my hat if he isn't cheating. But aside from that what a selfish tosser.

He sounds really selfish!

So did you do your craft thing?

I think the Sunday gig is where you have to force a choice out of him. It's a social event rather than business - although I know how some professions rely on networking etc. - and I think you're quite entitled to demand that you stick to the original family day out a) because you have prior call and b) you are not up to the walk. Put him on the spot.

is a friday night out with his whole team not enough networking?
which was after a quiz night last week?

no I didnt go to my craft fair :(

So has he always been this utterly moronic or selfish? Or is it what is in his pants leading the turn around?

I can't believe you didn't go. You had paid for the table and everything. Both :( and for you but also wondering why you backed down.

His colleagues seem awfully keen to see each other outside office hours all of a sudden? I find it very hard to believe they're all going on a pub walk this Sunday.

I agree with cog that you insist the family day goes ahead. It a team things no clients so in that case voluntary.

As for the craft thing . . . Why the hell didn't you go? Did you remind him? Tell him to arrange a babysitter or anything? What did he say?

People will only treat you like shit if you let them! Assertive!

Hmmm at the very best he is a wanker to you - sorry OP he is taking you for granted and yes you need to have "that" conversation with him before your baby is born or he will ruin your enjoyment of number 3.

I also hugely doubt he has to go to the pub, what ever his job it doesnt require alcohol! That is a simple lie IMO

He's having Sunday lunch at a pub?

If he doesn't change his plans, it'll be an ideal opportunity for you to get some 'me' time. Drive the dc or get a cab to the pub, drop them off with their df and announce that you have been having contractions and are off to the local hospital for a check up.

Don't give him time to argue - just hand him the dc, make your announcement, smile sweetly at the ow assembled company and leave. If you're going by cab get the driver to wait.

Then go home and put your feet up or go do something you'd like to do/see.

When you see him again, say it was a false alarm. And keep having false alarms until you get your mitts on that phone, at which time you can alarm him with the threat of a divorce for adultery and a general naming and shaming of the ow.

assertive isnt my thing at the moment.
ive been signed off work with stress & depression
wish I'd changed my name

I sympathise. It's not easy, especially if the domineering partner happens to be someone that argues for a living. It won't be helping your stress or depression symptoms to be feeling quite this insecure and unvalued. I think it's good you didn't change your name in the circumstances. The opinions here may be hitting a nerve in many respects and, unlike you, we're not the ones having to decide what to do next. But really, you shouldn't have to be assertive in a loving relationship and certainly not when you're almost about to give birth to someone's third baby.... they should be tripping over themselves to look after you.

Think of it as being passive-aggressive rather than assertive - and do it

Its awful that you are being treated like this while you have depression along with everything else. What an arse hole!

Do you think you might be depressed BECAUSE of how he's treating you?

I'm not surprised you are stressed and depresses. Your husband is a selfish arsehole, who sees you as a domestic appliance and has no interest in you. He is also probably sleeping with someone else.

Lose about 13 stone, I wonder how your depression is then.