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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

alarm bell just rang in my head

196 replies

OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 10:05

and now I cant shake it

what the actual fuck :(

I posted the other day about him changing his plans

any way.... last night, he gets in at 1am, and today he's gone out again to do some thing which is totally out of character for him to do (involves motorbikes, he has never paid any interest in bikes before)

We moved house 5 weeks ago, since then he's been out 2/3 times a week with work, drinks here, quiz nights etc im never asked out on these things which is fine, but last night he went to this black tie dinner at a big hotel, and i know partners went - he never asked me to accompany him and have a night out :(

3 weeks ago I wanted to phone his sister and tried to get in his phone (he has a pass code on it, which he had told me) but he had changed it, and when I asked him about it he said his blackberry had encouraged him to change it, then he changed the subject, but that would be the first time in over a year he has changed his passcode... he didnt say "oh yeah, its now blah blah"

now I have these doubts, its all I can think of.

im 7 months PG with baby number 3... oh

OP posts:
fiventhree · 12/05/2012 11:43

We have an assortment of blackberries in this house, and they dont send any such messages. I think he is a liar who has changed his password as he is up to no good. My h did similar last year, and is equally clever.

My best advice is to say nothing at all about the specific suspicion, and look hard for further evidence. I confronted too early, and with disastrous results.

Charbon · 12/05/2012 11:55

Oh no...Sad

My heart sank when I read that post about the 'walk' tomorrow. I agree with whoever said that he is setting you up to fail which is a very common and recognisable behaviour in someone who's having an affair.

It would also be interesting to hear when your stress and depression started and whether it pre-dated the behaviour you're experiencing. Stress is often a reaction to a bewildering change in a partner's behaviour and the disorientation it induces; as though your world has changed without you knowing about it - and if it goes on for too long, this can also present as depression. It's often not that at all though, it's a normal human reaction to a fear that hasn't yet got a name. When you spoke to your GP, did he or she ask about what was going on in your relationship?

tribpot · 12/05/2012 11:56

My work phone insists on a password, and it must be changed quite regularly, every 90 days I think. Is his BB for work? Could they have just put a security policy in place?

But why do you have to go to this pub walk tomorrow?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 11:56

FWIW ive never seen a thread on here where the OP says "my intuition is that my H is having an affair because of x. y and z" and then they've come back and said "you were all wrong, i was wrong etc and he's not"

OP posts:
janesnowdon1 · 12/05/2012 11:58

OP - big hugs, so sorry you are having to go through this on top of everything else. How does your husband feel about DC3 coming? has he been freaked by your sign off from work? My OH ran around like a headless chicken with lots of "avoidance" twat behaviour when I was pregnant with DC4 (unexpected)and really let me down. Reading the riot act really helped him come to his senses.

Why does work suddenly have all this extra socialising? and surely a black tie event would be booked and organised months in advance?

PooPooInMyToes · 12/05/2012 12:00

DO you think he's having an affair?

I would be tempted to get a babysitter and go on the walk, if you can manage it. If not meet him at the pub with or without the children.

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 12:04

I agree with Charbon re the cause of depression. I was on ADs for eight years whilst my husband was having an affair without my knowing. Once I knew, I didn't need the ADs. It's something I will never forgive him for - he knew that I was taking them because everything seemed strange, as though I was going to topple over.

OP, do you know any wives of the men your husband works with? Could you talk to them about the walk tomorrow?

He's setting you up there. He knows damn well you won't go - why should you?

Motorbikes my arse, tbh. He's not doing that today.

When did this socialising start? Has it always been the case in that job?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 12:06

he's worked for this firm for a year, probably a bit longer & has been to maybe one or two events the WHOLE time until a month ago, which coincides with BB pin changing etc.

OP posts:
MikeLitoris · 12/05/2012 12:08

I have a blackberry and I have never been asked to change any pass code. Sorry but I think he is definitely up to no good.

You need to have a serious think about what you are letting this man do to you and your dd's.

If I was you I would demand that he showed me the messages right there and then or I would be packing his bags.

Actually I would be packing them anyway. Even if he isn't seeing someone else he is still treating you like shit.

CardyMow · 12/05/2012 12:12

I suffered with depression throughout my whole relationship with my Ex-P. He walked out when our youngest child was just 4mo. Within 6 weeks, it was like a fog had lifted. I now feel like a totally different person.

I am no longer stressed, I am happier, I am not depressed, I don't question everything I said like he used to make me do (he is/was EA, and very good at gaslighting me).

A year down the line, my life is totally different and much better. I have been with someone new for two months, I have moved house, I don't feel like the ground is shifting under my feet every day.

I think you should lose the dead cheating scumbag wankbadger weight, and get on with making a new, happier life for you and your dc.

Just my opinion.

Queenofcake · 12/05/2012 12:14

I would go tomorrow. Not on the walk but to the pub for lunch.

But be clever how you do it. Make lots of noises about not being up for the walk etc etc - kind of leading him to think you wont be going.

Then decide tomorrow morning that Yep - lunch at the pub will be nice but because of your pregnancy /tiredness etc you will drive and meet them there.

Watch his reaction tomorrow when he learns that infact you DO intend to go after him thinking and believing that you wouldnt be.

No one decent will think any less of a pregnant woman just turning up for the lunch and not the walk so do not fret about that - go and be nice to everyone and marvel enthusuastically about how lovely it is they are all such a lovely sociable bunch of colleagues with the all the recent spate of afterwork socials.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/05/2012 12:14

I didn't realise the socializing was a new thing, just thought you had finally had enough.

So is he out all weekend? Even if he's not up to no good he's still leaving you pregnant with two children to look after. And so soon after messing up your craft fair plans. He's being incredibly selfish.

Could you get hold of his blackberry while he is asleep at night? Do you have access to an email account? His wallet for receits?

ToryLovell · 12/05/2012 12:19

Queenofcake's idea is a good one.

Although if your DH is making you feel so unwell then whether he is cheating / or working up to it, you will be so much better off with him. He is thoughtleses, selfish and disrespectful.

The going from nothing to socialising several times a week is a big warning sign along with the password changing

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 12:20

I'm wondering whether the walk actually exists, whether the meal exists, whether the motorbikes exist.

Do you have a friend who can go to lunch at the pub and report back?

Whereabouts are you? There are plenty of people on MN who'd like to play spy for a day!

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 12:21

Another one with a Blackberry who's never had a warning message. I had a password for several months then stopped it as it was a nuisance - I didn't get a message when I had one, when I cancelled it or now I don't have one.

Charbon · 12/05/2012 12:23

I don't think these events are real either.

OP when did he start being like this with you?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 12:24

he proposed to me 3 months ago.

he hasnt had the ring resized and i dont wear it, its in the box.

im so charmed

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 12:26

So three months ago everything was okay?

Can you identify the first time things seemed to be wrong? Think back to what was happening in your life, on tv, with the kids... Can you remember the first time he went out?

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 12:28

I think someone should be at that pub to see whether he's there.

OP, re money. Do you share accounts? Can you see whether he's been spending more money lately?

MikeLitoris · 12/05/2012 12:43

I would just turn up at the pub. Don't tell him.

My xp did exactly the same thing to me when I was pg with ds. I was supposed to meet him and his work mates but got a call just before to say they were running late and could I make it a few hours later. He didn't realise I was already on my way into town. I got to the pub about 30 mins later and there he was ow. He tried to tell me all their other work mates had just left. I could see right through it but at the time I chose to ignore. It was the worst decision I ever made. I wish I'd stood up for myself. Me and my dc would have been so much happier.

AnAirOfHope · 12/05/2012 12:49

i would turn up at the pub or ask him for the phone password.

Sallyingforth · 12/05/2012 13:02

All this is very sudden. Who did he meet three months ago?

"I would just turn up at the pub. Don't tell him."

Yes. Get a taxi, and be there early so you can watch him come in. Look to see who is on his arm.

MrsSnaplegs · 12/05/2012 13:10

Can you ask him to take the 2 DD with him on the walk so you can "rest" and then "feel better" and be at the pub for the lunch?
If there is an OW even if it's just a flirtation thing then seeing him with his children may be a damper to any ideas of taking it further
It may be genuinely a work commitment thing, the comment about paying the mortgage - is he worried and stressed by the new arrival and trying to keep his job as security - is there talk of redundancies at his work? Sometimes it's last in first out and if he has only been there a year maybe he is worried he may lose his job if he doesn't show "commitment" to work by attending these things?
Sorry you are going through thisSad

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 13:13

Nothing quite like washing my massive maternity pants in public is there?

He wasn't the last employed - others have joined their team since. He is the most senior at his level in his team.

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 12/05/2012 13:21

im sure its nothing, i hope you can check up and find out its nothing and then talk to him about his aturtude to you.

goood luck and take care of you and bump ((((hugs))))