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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

alarm bell just rang in my head

196 replies

OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 10:05

and now I cant shake it

what the actual fuck :(

I posted the other day about him changing his plans

any way.... last night, he gets in at 1am, and today he's gone out again to do some thing which is totally out of character for him to do (involves motorbikes, he has never paid any interest in bikes before)

We moved house 5 weeks ago, since then he's been out 2/3 times a week with work, drinks here, quiz nights etc im never asked out on these things which is fine, but last night he went to this black tie dinner at a big hotel, and i know partners went - he never asked me to accompany him and have a night out :(

3 weeks ago I wanted to phone his sister and tried to get in his phone (he has a pass code on it, which he had told me) but he had changed it, and when I asked him about it he said his blackberry had encouraged him to change it, then he changed the subject, but that would be the first time in over a year he has changed his passcode... he didnt say "oh yeah, its now blah blah"

now I have these doubts, its all I can think of.

im 7 months PG with baby number 3... oh

OP posts:
Charbon · 12/05/2012 13:27

I genuinely don't think this arrangement exists and I think if you said you were going, you would find that it had been mysteriously cancelled at the last minute. Then he would disappear tomorrow for some other reason that precluded you from attending.

I think if you turned up to the venue, you'd find no-one there and would be told afterwards that you'd got the wrong pub and must be confused. If it is real and you turned up unexpectedly, while I think the element of surprise would garner a huge amount of information, it would be a stressful experience and if you're feeling wobbly at the moment anyway, you might not be up to that right now.

It reads to me that he's met someone since he started at this firm. She might have been there already or is a recent joiner. At some point in the past 3 months something has changed in their interaction; a friendship that has tipped into affair territory. Do you recall him mentioning someone particularly and he's stopped talking about her in more recent times?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 13:32

Thing is, I don't know where it is - which pub etc

I'm not going - no way will I be up for confronting him if he was there with another woman.

I'm going to get up as normal and take my girls swimming like every normal Sunday. Whilst watching him closely.

He leaves his phone in the same places when at home. I'm going to take it and ask he tell me the password. If he refuses then he can leave. It's that simple. Life is too short to be made to question every other fucking detail of my life.

OP posts:
Charbon · 12/05/2012 13:37

If he gives you the password, ask to be left alone with the phone so that he's not hovering over you while you go through it. I agree that this will bring things to a head, but think ahead in case of the worst scenario and ensure that someone in RL is available to come and look after you if there is an unpleasant outcome.

takeitaway · 12/05/2012 13:39

Hi Only, how about if he takes the DC swimming for a change? You could go along, sit and have a coffee and 'mind' his phone for him ....

Sallyingforth · 12/05/2012 14:13

He hasn't told you which pub? How convenient, so you can't check up.

I would be inclined to say that I 'might' feel up to bringing the DC's along to the pub by taxi (because you'd like to meet his work folks informally) so please tell me which pub it is. He'll probably say that he doesn't know yet, so tell him to phone you when he gets there. I'll bet there will be some excuse.

The only problem with demanding his phone and PIN is that you are making a direct accusation. If you don't yet have anything else to back it up he could get really nasty. You'd have to be prepared for that.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/05/2012 14:45

The only problem with demanding his phone and PIN is that you are making a direct accusation. If you don't yet have anything else to back it up he could get really nasty. You'd have to be prepared for that.

I agree. He might say you are paranoid and it will make him more careful in future. I really think you need to be more sneaky about it.

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 15:09

I'd be looking at getting a private detective onto him. I don't think he'll ever admit what's going on. He clearly intends to continue with it.

OP, I asked before - do you know any of the wives? Do you have their phone numbers or email addresses?

AliceInArcadia · 12/05/2012 15:20

I am so sad for you OP. Hope for the best but if you come to the conclusion that he is definitely having an affair I recommend you screen shot his phone messages/other evidence. I am not sure about your circumstances but it was very useful for my friend when she divorced.

Lueji · 12/05/2012 15:22

Good point, Imperial.

All you have to do is make normal chat and mention a couple of the work dos and check their reaction.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 15:39

He's still not home.

According to him his course finished at 1 today.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 12/05/2012 15:43

Totally agree - don't ask for the phone/PIN. If he's up to no good he will create a row based on 'how dare you accuse me/not trust me' then be much more careful and clever from then on (probably get another phone).

sugarice · 12/05/2012 15:44

Have you tried contacting him?

Houseofplain · 12/05/2012 15:45

I'm sorry. But I think you do need to say something. At the very least because his behaviour is disgusting towards you. If you are serious about the phone and telling him to go. Do it anyway for his behaviour tell him how selfish he is being. Tell him if you wish you suspect an affair. But you can't live like this.

tribpot · 12/05/2012 15:49

Agreed. I understand why you want to avoid a public confrontation but given you have no evidence any attempt you make to push the issue at home is going to be met with denial and counter-argument about how unreasonable you are being.

As has been mentioned above, do you know any of the colleagues or wives well enough to phone/text to check on the location of the pub tomorrow? Or to check that everyone really is going, as you don't want to let the side down.

As to his disappearance today, he's bound to have a plausible explanation as to why he didn't come home straight after his alleged course. It all sounds very suspicious to me, though. Out of the blue, a course on something he's never been interested in?

Portofino · 12/05/2012 15:49

Yes - I would defiintely be insisting on the pub details, or him taking the children with him.....

AnyFucker · 12/05/2012 16:27

I am really sorry, love

This must be so scary and gut-churning for you

I agree with everyone else, this situation has already made you ill, and it's not going to improve until you force the issue, but you will have to do it cleverly or he will go underground

at the moment he appears to be under the impression you are a bit dim (his half truths and evasions are really rather obvious)...use that to your advantage and don't lose it

AnyFucker · 12/05/2012 16:32

he was out at a function he didn't bothr to invite you to last night until 1am, forcing you to change your own plans

he is out all day today despite you being pg with your 3rd

he dismisses you when you try and raise issues

he is selfish beyond belief

whether there is OW or not, he needs a massive fucking rocket up his arse

TidyDancer · 12/05/2012 16:54

I'm not usually one to assume the worst, but something definitely isn't right here. :(

I don't think you can just leave this. You need to say something.

abbscrosswoman · 12/05/2012 16:55

How well do you know his secretary ?

Charbon · 12/05/2012 16:59

I guess it depends on how resolute the OP is that if he refuses to hand the phone over, the relationship is over.

That is what she said, but if there's any chance of a) violence or b) his ability to convince her that she is being unreasonable - then I agree it might be best to keep her powder dry.

I would understand the OP's reluctance to phone other wives or colleagues about the validity of these social events. Rather like a surprise arrival tomorrow, it could be a very humiliating and traumatic experience if the other women reported that there were no such events and the OP might not want to involve other people just yet in what is such a private turmoil.

So short of hiring a PI, I think the OP's plan is a good one as long as the conditions above are satisfied.

picnicbasketcase · 12/05/2012 17:01

You can't carry on like this when you're already under so much stress and pg as well. He's leaving you to do everything whilst he does whatever he pleases and dismisses you when you question it. Obviously I have no idea if there's another person involved, but have no doubt he's being a selfish dickhead.

LivingNightmare · 12/05/2012 17:01

Having just lived through a year of hell during which my DH had an affair, I know exactly how you feel, I had just had DC3 when it started and had PND, it is a horrible, horrible situation to be in. Two things, firstly, like several others have said, don't confront him without evidence, he will just deny, make you feel guilty for being suspicious and get more careful. Get some proof first, then confront. Secondly, my DH didn't start getting his act together until I stood up for myself and he realised he was really going to lose me. Good luck!

CaptainHetty · 12/05/2012 17:07

What an utterly moronic, epic arsehole.

Call his bluff. Tell him tomorrow morning you really feel like a walk would do you good (even though it wouldn't - that's what he's counting on) and see what his reaction is. I just read your thread about the craft fair before spotting this, and was really hoping he'd pull his finger out and keep to arrangements you'd made previously.

balia · 12/05/2012 17:09

Just read the whole thing, can't believe what you've been putting up with, OP - got my fingers crossed for you to get the best possible outcome for you and your DC's - what ever that may be.

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 17:11

I agree with LivingNightmare, you need proof and the intention to leave - if you know in your heart of hearts you won't leave, he'll know too.