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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

alarm bell just rang in my head

196 replies

OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 10:05

and now I cant shake it

what the actual fuck :(

I posted the other day about him changing his plans

any way.... last night, he gets in at 1am, and today he's gone out again to do some thing which is totally out of character for him to do (involves motorbikes, he has never paid any interest in bikes before)

We moved house 5 weeks ago, since then he's been out 2/3 times a week with work, drinks here, quiz nights etc im never asked out on these things which is fine, but last night he went to this black tie dinner at a big hotel, and i know partners went - he never asked me to accompany him and have a night out :(

3 weeks ago I wanted to phone his sister and tried to get in his phone (he has a pass code on it, which he had told me) but he had changed it, and when I asked him about it he said his blackberry had encouraged him to change it, then he changed the subject, but that would be the first time in over a year he has changed his passcode... he didnt say "oh yeah, its now blah blah"

now I have these doubts, its all I can think of.

im 7 months PG with baby number 3... oh

OP posts:
Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 20:59

Just to let you know - he's now clearing up a puddle of cat diorrhea. His day ain't getting better is it Grin

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 12/05/2012 21:53

You don't love him, do you?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 12/05/2012 21:54

I do, completely.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/05/2012 22:01

I really hope he isn't taking the piss out of that sentiment, love

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/05/2012 22:30

I don't get why he lied about today.

I also think the motorbike is a ruse to get him out of the house alone to get up to no good....

PooPooInMyToes · 12/05/2012 22:41

Did you ask why he didn't just tell you about the motorbike test?

whydidittakesolong · 12/05/2012 22:45

Although this goes against every single part of popular culture, loving someone doesn't mean they're the right person to spend the rest of your life with.

stuffitunderthebed · 12/05/2012 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAirOfHope · 12/05/2012 23:39

How old is your dh? It sounds like a midlife crisis to me lol

hope your chat went well :)

garlicbutty · 12/05/2012 23:48

loving someone doesn't mean they're the right person to spend the rest of your life with.

YY, sometimes it's more straightforward in the moment to say "we aim for different things". You can pull out the threads and examine them later.

SirSugar · 13/05/2012 06:21

Haven't read whole thread, but get the gist of it. My blackberry has never encouraged me to change password, it couldn't give a fuck.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 13/05/2012 06:47

We chatted. I explained im not a domestic servant. That lying to me, by omissions is shitty and I won't stand for it. I told him he treats me like an opposing solicitor, running the conversation to get what he wants rather than being fair and explaining things to me properly.

He admitted that he found it easier to "gloss over" the details of his bike thing as he thought I would be cross about him spending the whole day out and leaving me home with kids. Again. I explained that actually, if he grew a pair of balls and man'd up yes maybe I would be pissed off but I could make my own plans and not wait at home expecting him back etc and basically I have a life too.

As for today, I've called his bluff, told him I'm not going and if he wants to he can.

He says he can't be arsed and needs to do x, y & z at home so is gonna skip it.

Haven't mentioned his phone. Yet.

He's down stairs with the children now. We shall see.

Oh, I did say that him using the mortgage & money against me is shitty and if he would prefer I can leave, with the children & i personally would actually be financially better off. Plus I wouldn't have to put up with his sulky shit so he isn't actually doing me any favours.

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/05/2012 08:26

Did you tackle him on the issue of you being unable to go to the craft fair?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 13/05/2012 08:41

Yeah told him that I'm not actually a hired help and that if he expected a nanny or au pair to do child care that late notice they would be perfectly entitled to say no.

He's just bought me some toast. Blimey. I know he's grovelling at the moment. I explained how I feel like a lodger not his lover.

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/05/2012 09:01

But grovelling after the fact doesn't account for whether he understands that if you have something pre-arranged, that is just as important as a work function of his, and once booked must be honoured by the other. How will he do it differently next time?

And what about the sudden, massive increase in work socialising? Or the PIN on his phone?

noddyholder · 13/05/2012 09:13

He is up to something it see obvious

Nobhead · 13/05/2012 09:15

I would wait with the phone thing and the work socialising, keep that one in the holster. See if his behavoir towards you changes (for the better) after your talk. If things change happy days. If it only improves for a week or so and then he's back to his shitty ways (lying, lots of "work socialising" whilst abandoning you with the kids) then bring the big guns out- you've got to play it smart. You are also going to need to build actual evidence before you hit him with the "I know you're cheating" conversation otherwise he WILL twist it and wriggle out of it whilst making you look like an irrational, unreasonable and untrusting wife (and you can bet your last penny he will use "your hormones" as an excuse!). Good luck OP hope it changes for you.

StealthPolarBear · 13/05/2012 09:48

I have to say I'm usuLly a benefit of the doubt person but this would all. Set alam bells ringing

Charbon · 13/05/2012 10:10

Sounds like the OW can't make it today for some reason then.

Your account of the discussion is about what you said to him and there's not much about what he said to you, apart from admitting he'd lied to you ('glossed over' is a euphemism for lying, obviously).

What doesn't seem to have happened is any discussion about why this is happening.

And if you cancel things like you did the craft fair, all the raging after the event about it is just hot air and he knows it. Actions speak louder than words and he knows he's got the power in the relationship and you'll back down.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 11:26

Actions

Words

Grovelling after he got his own way (bringing toast is grovelling ?)

How has he said he is going to change his behaviour in the future (before it happens) ? Exactly how ?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 13/05/2012 14:13

weve had a huge row (I shouted, he stood silent) and then i sobbed, great one for holding it together me Hmm and then he gave me his phone and told me the password, and made me a cup of tea.
hes apologised for him making me doubt him, and said he will try harder not to be a twat. he's also said, when i think hes being a twat, i should tell him and not let him get away with it...

OP posts:
MrsSnaplegs · 13/05/2012 14:26

Do you want me to make him a twat medal?Grin you could give it to him when he's being a twatWink

garlicbutty · 13/05/2012 14:47

Does he need telling when he's being a twat? It's true that you mustn't let him take the piss, but is it just too hard for him to consider your needs equal to his own? Surely not. Next time he's a twat, will he blame you for not policing him?

Sounds like you said your pieces very clearly and made strong points. It also sounds like he's trying to wriggle and get away with the least possible, I'm afraid. Hope the pair of you can sort this out thoroughly.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/05/2012 14:58

I'm very sorry that you're upset, OP. I think you're not out of the woods yet either.

A decent person would realise, immediately, that a woman with children in tow - nevermind being heavily pregnant - couldn't easily manage a long walk. Even two miles can be too much - why didn't he immediately give thought to how that could be made easier for you? They're his children too.

He also had a 'warning' about the password and has had time to sanitise his phone.

Perhaps this has given him pause to think of how transitory a marriage can be if one partner determines to put it at risk. I hope so - he must have been more attentive to you than this before you got together, otherwise you never would have, I'm sure.

I hope he really does think about what he stands to lose.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 15:03

so, to stop him being a twat, he hands over the responsibilty for policing said behaviour over to you ?

can't he control himself ?

he expects you to micro-manage his decent treatment of you...that is crazy, and completely unfair

he knows how to treat you well, he just can't be arsed to do it

and when you have a meltdown about it, he hands the job right back to you

Hmm