alarm bell just rang in my head

[OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree]

and now I cant shake it

what the actual fuck :(

I posted the other day about him changing his plans

any way.... last night, he gets in at 1am, and today he's gone out again to do some thing which is totally out of character for him to do (involves motorbikes, he has never paid any interest in bikes before)

We moved house 5 weeks ago, since then he's been out 2/3 times a week with work, drinks here, quiz nights etc im never asked out on these things which is fine, but last night he went to this black tie dinner at a big hotel, and i know partners went - he never asked me to accompany him and have a night out :(

3 weeks ago I wanted to phone his sister and tried to get in his phone (he has a pass code on it, which he had told me) but he had changed it, and when I asked him about it he said his blackberry had encouraged him to change it, then he changed the subject, but that would be the first time in over a year he has changed his passcode... he didnt say "oh yeah, its now blah blah"

now I have these doubts, its all I can think of.

im 7 months PG with baby number 3... oh

Op there is always a debate on whether to confront.

If you ask for the phone, please think ahead to how you are going to handle this. He will refuse, and make every excuse not to give it to you, unless he has already taken the precaution of deleting things. If he refuses, are you really and definitely going to chuck him out? Because if you change your mind in the ensuing melee, you wont find out for years, maybe, and your suspicions wont go away.

I ask you to consider this carefully, because so many women think that is what they will do, and in the event and the debate and discussion, and the denial, and the possible gaslighting that you dont even see yet, they are persuaded against it, or think better of it.

If he hands it over and you find nothing, I still believe that you wont give this suspicion up, regardless of his future behaviour. That is because your intuition is everything, especially that first intuition, before you have spent any amount of time reasoning and rationalising with yourself.

If you want to be absolutely certain that he is having an affair, if that matters to you, you have to be more circumspect. You may need to have him watched or followed, or ask someone at his work (you probably dont know them yet, after a year).

I say this because it happened to me, and it was five and a half years before I got the truth. By that time, I was stressed, then depressed, and resentful, and miserable. I had managed to isolate myself somewhat, and bore my wonderful friends rigid, and had allowed my work to tail off to part time, as I believed that my stress and anxiety was related to having too much to do and a work obsessed h. And by the end, just before I forced a confession, he used the very fact that my work had tailed off because of all this shit, to suggest that I just imagined other women because "there was nothing else in my life".

Even now, if I put the length of my h's infidelity in a mn post, I have to add that half a year to the five. Because I am outraged and regretful about every single minute of it.

Just read the whole thread, I feel very sorry for you?

Do you know any of the other g/ friends wives?

five it can still shock me how truly, truly horrible your H was

I've been a very similar position too. That's why I feel the need to stress that your marriage is making you unhappy & unwell. It's a strong ask, but my clearest advice would be to actually give him the boot. From what you've posted it does look as if he's cheating - but the thing I resented most, after it all came out, was the amount of anxiety, energy and humiliation I'd put myself through while trying to find out what was up. It was awful.

I do recall, through all the shock of the confession (I was pg too), thinking how I should have just binned him when he first started it all. As soon as he 'detached', it stopped being the relationship I'd committed to. I felt I need to know, exactly, what was happening. I felt I couldn't end it without a solid reason; I wanted proof. I was wrong. Each individual is in their relationship by choice. They don't need to make a case before a tribunal; all anybody needs is to be confident the relationship no longer enhances their happiness.

I don't know enough about your character, OnlyWants, or how much support you've got in real life, to know whether you're able to make your evaluation and decisions based on the situation as it stands. I'm just reminding you there's is no real need for permission, or proof, or anything. You're a free woman.

If you want permission, here it is. If you want to investigate, send the kids out with him tomorrow and find out where the pub is. Then go there! Good luck.

Fiventhree, I've just read a thread started by you. Are you now free of that man?

No IB, I'm not. But believe me, things have changed in 6 months, and my boundaries are back like you wouldnt believe. I am a changed person. So is he.

However, I dont want to derail the thread, but thank you for asking, and for your wise support on my thread.

Don't push OP into doing stuff she isn't quite ready for: she is looking at the possibility of her world crashing in and that takes a lot of emotional energy.

I wouldn't confront right now, especially with OP feeling very fragile. You have to be in a strong position to take these selfish twunts on - hmmmm, like the evidence of a PI to stop all the 'I could be wrong' doubts.

IMO there is absolutely no use trying to engage or confront him (apart from a gentle [ ] is there anything you would like to tell me?). He will lie, be contemptuous or twist it round.

Well he's home. Hes shown me what he's been up to today. So wasn't bollock deep in some one then. Still have my niggle thoughts though & my general exhaustion of feeling so let down by him.

OP, sorry your'e going through this.

Your H's behaviour towards you is disgusting and you deserve better!

I also believe he is cheating as its odd that he goes out for work do's and won't let you go with him, yet he then asks you to accompany him on this so called walk, heavily pregnant!. That doesn't make sense, and other's have said, he is convinced you will turn him down so he can then most probably be with his OW in the hope he won't arouse your suspicions.

I'm another one who thinks that its best to not confront him yet as he will deny everything and make you believe you are being irrational. He will then cover his tracks better.

I know its hard but if I were you I would try and act normal and gather more evidence and in the meantime I would be taking steps to sort out finances, documents, etc just in case he leaves, or when the time comes for you to kick this waster out of your home.

what was he doing after 1pm then ?

Back to tomorrow - Just to clarify I understand this.

So he is going on a walk with friends from work to a pub??? He has invited you to go along too (knowing you wont because of pregnancy) and does not know which pub it is.

Thats fine.

Let him think you are not going today then in the morning get up and tell him you wont be doing the walk but you and DC will meet him and his colleagues at the pub for lunch. All he has to do is text you to let you know which pub it is. Someone will surely be able to tell him WHERE they are heading on their walk when he meets them and sets off on this walk tomorrow. At worse - at lunch time he will get to the pub and can text you. If they are walking there its not going to be a very long drive in the car/taxi.

You can still take the DC swimming first - whilst they walk to the pub.

If he knows you are going to turn up he WONT be there with the OW (if an OW exists). However, he will be there with his work colleagues if this is all innocent and nothing untowards is going on.

Re tomorrow i asked him outright "what are your plans for tonorrow" he says after a long pause trying to think of the right answer "I think we should have a day at home"

I think he was expecting me to say NO NO YOU GO!

Instead i said "good you can take DC to see your parents for breakfast before you take them swimming so I can sleep in"

I will ask him about his phone. I don't think he is cheating. I think he's just being a real selfish twat. He better have a good answer about his fucking blackberry.

How did he explain the five hours?

Yes what was he doing after one? These things bare rarely over run, evn by minutes. Instructor time and the actual facilities are a massive premium.

Good for you!

Sorry, my alarm bells would be raging at this point. But quite apart from whether or not there's an OW somewhere, he is treating you like absolute shit, and you need to talk to him about that. You really shouldn't put up with the disrespect and contempt he seems to be dishing out.

I think it's actually because he's a massive coward and couldn't face telling me the selfish shit he was doing today was his fucking BIKE TEST and was all day.

So he tells me he will be home at lunch. Then skirts around the issue. He took a packed lunch. Lol. Can you imagine going for a sordid shag with a bloke only to discover his pack up lunch with buttered malt loaf and a Pre sliced apple. What a cock.

why would he tell a deliberate lie ?

are you such a dragon, he has to say he will be home at lunch even though it is patently clear he will not

did he pass, btw ?

A bike test that lasted all day wow! They are just the same as driving tests in length. In two modules. What test centre was it? Not all are open weekends. I really think you are going to have a shock soon I'm afraid :(

have a look here on how long each module of the motorcycle test takes

(module one---22 minutes)

(module 2---57 minutes)

I think it would be worth focusing a bit on those little pauses whilst he thinks, and on the small lies. They tell you ALOT about how he sees you. I used to minimise those and think it was just him being a bloke, eg being less direct than me, more of a thinker before he talks, and that the white lies were the usual blokish twattery to avoid confrontation.

However, in counselling it came out that my h had lied and manipulated me a fair bit, and that it had started in a small way years before I noticed it. He even looked at all the techniques on manipulation I showed him on wikipedia, and said he had done all except the violence/threats one.

OK, my h was extreme, but it is true, and many say on here, that being less than open and honest is a major sign of disrespect, and there is alot more to open and honest than simply agreeing the truth when it is presented to them.

Once they can lie by omission about one thing, they can lie by omission about another.

Yeah he passed. He's shown me his paper work. He's all chuffed.

He had never been on a bike before. Had lessons all morning and the test at 2pm

WOW, AF, you should start a boody agency.

You are good.

He's a solicitor. He gives the bare MIN of info in any situation.