what the fuck am i supposed to do with this now you fucking wank stain?!

[fuckingfuckingbastard]

so angry - name changed

DP has been working away, I went to visit him last weekend- we stayed in a hotel and had a lovely time. I came home and he suddenly started to act weird.

I came back on Sunday and that evening he was going out for dinner with his bosses, on the company- how nice thought i...

Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?!

Anyway, i was clearly pissed off with this and was asking what the hell he was going on about and what the hell had got in to him?!

It aroused my suspicsions so much- just knew something was off so I checked inline banking and there was a payment to slug and lettuce on sunday- he told me he went somewhere else with the bosses- however payment is not enough to be for dinnner, couple of drinks, makes me think he went there after the meal with ??? - he did not mention doing this.

I then checked the online account on t-mobile and I can see loads of texts to a number I don't know- you guessed it, since sunday night.....

I tried to ring the number but got voicemail.

Don't know what the fuck to do. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of weeks. We have a beautiful dd, 19 months old :(

"My gut feel is that he is full of shit though and it is a woman"

Heh, that's my gut feeling too (and I'm pretty sure 99.9% of people reading this).

At the moment, you've given him all the power. Remember, you get to decide who shares your life too. Good luck at the weekend. x

It could be innocent- a surprise regarding the wedding?

you wouldn't really marry a lying crook who cheats on you ?

would you ?

Is he quite young, because this sounds extraordinarily immature and insensitive:

"Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?!"

It might be a good idea to look at him now with clear eyes, rather than with the hope that everything will be all right and you can make a happy life with him. The messages he's giving you and his behaviour say otherwise. This is your wake-up call before the wedding.

Isn't a classic abuse red flag checking up on mobile phone, disbelieving and 'access to all records' etc??

betty are you saying you think OP is being abusive to her DP?

It may be an abuse red flag but it's also a red flag for a lying cheat, not necessarily abuse (unless you count that as abuse).

Why on earth would you be okay with 'only' flirting and texts? Really, a couple weeks before your wedding??

If he knows you would put up with this, then that's what he'll spin this into. You know, after his story about getting one over on his bosses falls through.

TBH, if this close to the wedding he's decided he prefers living away from you, that would be the end of it for me, regardless of the rest. Sorry.

i think you would be an absolute fool to go ahead with the wedding while having such suspicions about your intended husband to be.

it wont end well if you marry under these circumstances. i would put a hold on the wedding - you clearly do not trust him. thats enough for me.

I don't really think you have a choice about the wedding going ahead - I think he has already decided it isn't.

He has told you he wants to live four hours away and "visit the family every once in a while" - he is telling you you are splitting up and he will visit his daughter a couple of times a year.

This relationship is over in all but name, and it sounds like you have had a very lucky escape that it has happened now rather than in a few months.

Op there is no way on earth he is going to let you see those messages. Can't you turn up there tonight and have a look?

For god's sake don't marry him.

Just put it on the back burner for now and deal with this.

He will tell you ANYTHING that he thinks will get him out of this.

Just a thought...It couldn't be (barring the odd statements about living away, etc.) that he's doing something to do with the wedding? Secretive because he's suprising you in some way?

I rarely post on these threads, but even before the dodgy phone stuff, his wanting to stay away and visit once in a while would mean off with the wedding.

Cold feet? My arse.

Feck away off (him, not the OP), he should have thought of that before he had a child with you.

Very sadly, it seems a case of when someone tells you what they are, believe them.

"Then he finally gave me a story about it being a dodgy deal he's got going at work that nobody is allowed to know about so he was keeping it a secret.... again, (smells like bullshit?)"

Yes it is BS and BS on a grand scale as well.

Too many secrets and lies here, your man is tying himself up in knots.

I think he having an affair with a work colleague, he is not acting like this due to having cold feet. Flirting and texts to another mystery person do their own damage; where is your own tipping point here?.

No trust - no relationship.

Have you decided to call off the wedding?. Think he is telling you its already over given too what he has already said about living away from home and coming back once in a while to see the family.

Am very sorry you are going through this but I think given time you will consider this a lucky escape.

You expected him to lie to you? Don't marry him.

ffb, just step back a minute...

It really doesn't matter whether he's cheating or not.

The simple fact is that you aren't trusting him. That might be his fault (he's guilty) or yours (you don't have sufficient faith in him).

In either case, you would be foolish to marry someone you don't trust. End of.

I hope you have a printout of the calls and texts to that number - dates and times

if you do not get to see every one of those texts, and the replies from the number

and if you cannot get proof of who is at the other end of that number

then call off the wedding immediately.

No discussion, except to say to him

• not good enough
• I don't trust you
• I don't want to be married to a liar
• Or a cheat
• I don't want to be married to a man who muses on how nice it would be to only have to see his 'family' occasionally
• I don't want to be married to a nasty arsehole who snaps at me
• and lots more.

And you say right, you seem to not be very interested in being a family here, with me, with us. In which case, you don't get to decide, I'll do it for you, we don't want someone who isn't 100% committed to us.

On smartphones you can delete messages remotely (and lock it, change the PIN, etc.) All it takes is a free app and another phone/computer to do it from.

Disregarding all the detective work, I wouldn't marry someone who expressed a desire to spend LESS time with me or whom I didn't feel I could trust. I did it once That feeling of walking on pins is horrible, OP, and it gets worse after you've signed the register. You deserve better.

If my dh started acting 'off' and then said that he wanted to work 4hrs away and 'just pop back to see the family' occasionally, I would say 'ok, whatever you want, sweetheart' and start to instigate a legal separation/divorce proceedings.

It matters not one jot what the text messages say (but I would bet a lot of money that it's another woman), or that he's said you can see them. This is about respect for you and your relationship. I suspect he has been dazzled by some new work colleague there and started an affair. Don't accept being treated like this just because you have a wedding half-planned - you're worth much much more than that, and so is your dd.

I don't get this. Why would anyone want to get married to someone they don't trust? Even if there is no other woman then why would the OP want to stay with someone who is involved with any dodgy stuff (at work or otherwise)?

Having said that if my DH would go trough my mobile phone bill and check the numbers on there I would not be impressed either. I would run a mile from someone who goes trough my stuff. Also I don't' think I would put up with someone ringing my phone on 2 or more occasions and stay silent...

If there is not mutual respect and trust in a relationship then forget it, it will not work, not in the long term.

Perfectpins, you say, "It could be innocent- a surprise regarding the wedding?"

It's lovely to have an optimistic nature, but sometimes it's just crazy! Read the thread!

Thanks to those who are optimistic enough to suggest he is organising a surprise :) I don't think that is the case though as I imagine he would've said this straight away when accused of messing around!

All I can do now really is wait and see what happens tomorrow and what answers he has to the many, many questions circulating in my mind....

I believe there is no point assuming before knowing facts.
I have a now ex friend who persecuted me for jumping to conclusions and then lie to make her stupidness look good. She has now lost me and I was a very loyal friend to her. People can be to quick to judge sometimes because of their own insecurities. Most of the people on this thread think the opposite to me but I do hope he is innocent so things work out for you. There is no point in stressing- which can make you feel ill- unless you 100% sure and have the facts. If he has been in the wrong then you will off course be angry and hurt but please see it as a new beginning for you and your dd.
I have had money, lost it all, have major financial problems but my home, my dd, pets are more important and I have to find a solution.
Either way, you will find the right solution.