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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what the fuck am i supposed to do with this now you fucking wank stain?!

333 replies

fuckingfuckingbastard · 03/05/2012 20:47

so angry - name changed

DP has been working away, I went to visit him last weekend- we stayed in a hotel and had a lovely time. I came home and he suddenly started to act weird.

I came back on Sunday and that evening he was going out for dinner with his bosses, on the company- how nice thought i...

Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?!

Anyway, i was clearly pissed off with this and was asking what the hell he was going on about and what the hell had got in to him?!

It aroused my suspicsions so much- just knew something was off so I checked inline banking and there was a payment to slug and lettuce on sunday- he told me he went somewhere else with the bosses- however payment is not enough to be for dinnner, couple of drinks, makes me think he went there after the meal with ??? - he did not mention doing this.

I then checked the online account on t-mobile and I can see loads of texts to a number I don't know- you guessed it, since sunday night.....

I tried to ring the number but got voicemail.

Don't know what the fuck to do. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of weeks. We have a beautiful dd, 19 months old :(

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingfuckingbastard · 14/05/2012 18:02

Hello, there's not much to update on at the moment.

I'm just getting more and more fucked off with my mum and dad going on all the time about the money etc, talking about me like I'm not there.... Mum asked me if I wanted them to take my ring to town to see what they could get for it. It's been a week Ffs!!

Trying to concentrate on just finding somewhere to live for me and dd. Desperate to have my own space again now. Although I'm pissed off again because my dad refuses to sign as a guarantor (need one as will claim housing benefit).

It doesn't matter though, they can fuck off because my lovely friend said she would do it for me instead.

Do I sound angry? I think I may be coming across as so. I am just fed up now, want to move on and have some positives to focus on

OP posts:
HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 14/05/2012 18:08

Are they normally insensitive? If not then maybe they just don't know what to do and say.

This is going to be a xrappy time but soon you will be settled and can start getting on with building a new life .

JustFab · 14/05/2012 18:22

Maybe ask your parents if they really care more about money than their daughter's happiness.

You are doing great and 3 cheers for your lovely friend.

pointythings · 14/05/2012 19:10

I think you are allowed to be angry, it will probably help keep you strong. You can let go when it's time.

I'm Shock at your parents, do they think your love rat was a 'catch' or something and that you should have taken him back???

Sorry, that was unkind to rats.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 14/05/2012 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheryl93 · 14/05/2012 19:58

I am so so sorry. I recently went through a horrific break up involving cheating. what u need to do hunny is go to the docs. Tell them what happened and explain u r a mother. Ask for a decent strength anti depressant. Explain how u r trying to help u r self. They put me on sertraline and have been increasing the dose. It takes three wks to work. It feels like the pain is in a cage. That should givde u the strength to sort things. I am so so so sorry xxx

tribpot · 14/05/2012 20:04

I think in fairness to OP's parents, they're the ones who've shelled out a shitload of cash are they not? I should stress I'm not trying to minimise OP's pain and distress but they've been cheated by the ex too. I agree, however, that they ought to be putting that to one side (it's only money, not heartbreak) in order to focus on what OP needs. And frankly, as has been said upthread, it's tosser ex who should be paying back all these costs.

OP, hope you can soon find somewhere to live, I think it'll really help to have your own space again.

Glitterkitten24 · 14/05/2012 20:05

Ffb,

I don't have any advise, you have received lots of great advise from pps.

I just wanted to let you know you are an AMAZING lady and I think you've handled this horrible situation with such dignity and strength, I'm in awe of you. You sound like a great role model for your dd and I don't doubt that you are doing the right thing.

I think the prick that was your h2b will look back at this in future and realise what a stupid idiot he was and how much he gave up for the sake of a quick shag. I hope it was worth it.

(hugs) stay strong.x

Original poster
fuckingfuckingbastard · 14/05/2012 21:04

Thanks for all the messages, it is really helping me!

I think in fairness they have just gone into protective mode, don't want me to be landed with a ccj etc (my name on contracts) and going on and on about it but all that can wait! It has been A WEEK. It's going to take ages to sort out and a miracle may occur and they re sell that date so nothing is definite yet anyway.

I just feel like they have forgotten I am an adult, the last time I lived at home was many years ago, I now have my own child, I am definitely a grown-up, but they are making decisions for me, assuming how I feel or what I want to do about things. We talked about going on holiday (since not going on honeymoon now) which was fine but my mum has just assumed I will want to be away on the date of the wedding so earlier when my dad was looking at flights etc. my mum is trying to hiss at him that we mustn't go then as it will be too late. I am sitting in the same room.

Plus, I am getting really sick of being asked where I'm going, who with, what time til, what am I having to eat, have I spoken to ex, etc etc every bloody day.

I am just venting as it's getting on my nerves. Like trib said, will be a lot better when I move out of here.

I am thinking as well I should change my name to something more positive....

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/05/2012 21:19

Why don't you name change when you have drawn a line under all this and make it a celebration? We'll be here to cheer you on.

missgrohl · 14/05/2012 21:22

OMG>>>,,,,what ur parents are saying ...where u going who u with etc etc....i was doing to my son( c my previous message).....Its only because they are worried about u and want to make sure u are ok.....only when he shouted at me did i back off a bit......i wait for him to talk to me now.....its really hard as im a worrier anyway,,,,,,i think u are doing really well and things will get better....as for the ring....keep it for a while, my son looked into selling engagement ring( he asked for it back as she was cheating) and wedding ring and every place he enquired didnt even offer a quarter of what he paid for them.....not sure what to do about them at the moment but theres no rush.....hope everything works out for u

tribpot · 14/05/2012 21:27

Yes definitely change your name! 'FreeFreeofBastard' to keep to the theme perhaps?

I had that questioning when I had a similar situation which doesn't compare to yours but which was very horrible. My house was burgled whilst I was away and set on fire. So most of my stuff was destroyed. Just to help matters (!) I was working out of the country at the time and trying to sell my old house which was 400 miles away in the UK, so having to deal with all sorts of godawful stuff on my mobile whilst roaming in Europe, good times. Anyway, the point was I had a friend who just had to be asking me all the time: had I spoken to the police again (they weren't interested I'm afraid), what was I doing about x, had I sorted out storage for y, who had I spoken to that day. It drove me round the fucking bend, to put it mildly.

But it was a very irritating way of showing how worried my friend was about me. And I think he was really just looking for ideas of things he could help with, like a lift to the storage place, or securing the door where it had been kicked in with the fire brigade or whatever. My parents were a bit more restrained but also quite keen to make sure 'everything was being done' when all I wanted to do was hide up in the spare room of my friend's house (a different one from the one badgering me, thank god) and try not to think about it 24*7.

No words of wisdom to make it better, alas, except perhaps it is worth saying to them: look, I'm adult. You can't be questioning my every move, it's doing my head in, and I've dealt with all the time-sensitive aspects of the cancellation (letting friends know, cancelling dress, cancelling venue), the rest will happen as it happens.

Original poster
fuckingfuckingbastard · 14/05/2012 21:53

Aw, that's so nice pointy!

Miss g, sorry abut the trouble your son has had with his ex, I hope he is ok.

Treb, you make some good points and I have almost got used to ffb so will definitely think around those initials! And sorry about your trouble with your house and all your things, horrible.

Feeling better already ladies! :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingfuckingbastard · 14/05/2012 21:54

Fuck. Always get these wrong! :) :) :)

OP posts:
hoops997 · 14/05/2012 22:02

Just read through the whole thread, well done OP for getting rid, I wish I did this, my ex twat husband went on to cheat with 6 other women throughout the course of a 4 year marriage, he fucked my sister a year before we got married am not bitter at all unlike you I didn't find out until it was too late, this is a blessing in disguise for you.

Hope you manage to sort out the shops and the money, maybe go to the local paper?

Jux · 14/05/2012 22:51

Feeling Fucking Better, aka FFB?

A little aggressive perhaps.... Wink

tribpot · 14/05/2012 22:56

Feeling Fab and Beautiful?
Feeling Frisky and Bodacious? (That was for Bill'n'Ted fans everywhere, I know you're out there)
Feeling Fine and Bolshy?

Thumbwitch · 14/05/2012 23:04

FFB - your parents are probably angry with your ex rather than you but since they can't take it out on him, you're copping the fall-out.

Your comments illustrate beautifully why I did NOT go home to my parents when they offered; that and the fact that if I left the house we owned voluntarily I could have lost any bargaining power I had with the ex to help me get a new place (necessary, I could never have afforded it myself and after 11y together, he owed me).

Your lovely friend - does she have any idea what being a guarantor may involve? A friend of mine's father offered to stand guarantor for my friend's mortgage, but when the bank said they needed bank statements and information on his income for at least a year, iirc, he got angry and backed out. So just warning you that it may not be as simple as just signing a bit of paper - although I don't know in the case of renting a house, so I might be scaring you unnecessarily, sorry!

My mum still managed to annoy me witless even with not being in the same house as them - but it was good because she also allowed me to vent all my impotent rage on her, seeing as I couldn't rage at the right person.

I would tell them outright though that they must stop telling you what to do - you need time to process what is going on.
As it happens, I did go away for my would-have-been-wedding-day - but I went away to a friend's in Scotland, who kept me busy and didn't refer to the stupid day unless I mentioned it. Going away with your parents could be counter-productive at this stage, especially if they're going on about how much money they're losing - paying for you to go away with them is only going to add to that money so just say no. Tell them if they're prepared to spend money flying you abroad, you'd rather have that money towards your rent, thanks.

Good luck lovely - but do try and get out from your parents' house as soon as you can - they'll drive you batty!

Original poster
fuckingfuckingbastard · 15/05/2012 15:53

lol, love the ffb suggestions!

fucking hell hoops, what a knob!! i was thinking of the bad publicity angle but i don't think i can let go of what dignity i have remaining that may be lost if i "go public"...

just seen a friend so been talking about it and feeling low :( plus i just can't find anywhere for us to rent, tis crap.

i went to see gp earlier too, she gave me some beta-blockers, to take the edge off and make me a bit calmer. also wrote me a note for university extensions.

i just feel stagnant, i need movement!!!!

also thinking about dying my hair a different colour?

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/05/2012 21:34

Why the hell not? Dye your hair any damn colour your please!

pointythings · 15/05/2012 21:44

Red, red, red, red, red.

Unless you already are, in which case I suggest

platinum, platinum, platinum, platinum, platinum.

tribpot · 15/05/2012 21:47

I second red - that would be wicked. Although not if you are a natural red head, then it would look very odd indeed.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/05/2012 22:27

Could you buy the dress and then sell it on preloved? at least you dont lose quite as much cash then.

Original poster
fuckingfuckingbastard · 15/05/2012 22:35

I was thinking red... Scared though! Am blonde now.

We are trying to negotiate witht the dress shop, if I pay them the rest of the money, would they give a credit note and they keep the dress (which they can sell on again) and I can get rid of a credit note much easier than a dress... Fingers crossed on that one!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/05/2012 22:42

If you succeed, read the small print for transferability and also expiry dates and other restrictions. Ask will it only be accepted in that one shop if it's a chain or if they have partners that will accept it if not a chain. Also look carefully online for rumours of closing down.