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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what the fuck am i supposed to do with this now you fucking wank stain?!

333 replies

fuckingfuckingbastard · 03/05/2012 20:47

so angry - name changed

DP has been working away, I went to visit him last weekend- we stayed in a hotel and had a lovely time. I came home and he suddenly started to act weird.

I came back on Sunday and that evening he was going out for dinner with his bosses, on the company- how nice thought i...

Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?!

Anyway, i was clearly pissed off with this and was asking what the hell he was going on about and what the hell had got in to him?!

It aroused my suspicsions so much- just knew something was off so I checked inline banking and there was a payment to slug and lettuce on sunday- he told me he went somewhere else with the bosses- however payment is not enough to be for dinnner, couple of drinks, makes me think he went there after the meal with ??? - he did not mention doing this.

I then checked the online account on t-mobile and I can see loads of texts to a number I don't know- you guessed it, since sunday night.....

I tried to ring the number but got voicemail.

Don't know what the fuck to do. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of weeks. We have a beautiful dd, 19 months old :(

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 07/05/2012 22:49

Well he SAID he was.

dondon33 · 07/05/2012 22:51

You certainly can if you are not married to the mother of the child and not on the birth certificate. >in England

Huansagain · 07/05/2012 23:03

I'm not an idiot, thank-you.

I just know my law, if he is on the birth-certificate as the father he can't abduct his child, so the OP needs to get a residence order sorted.

Jux · 07/05/2012 23:08

Glad you've managed to eat something, ffb, no one can think clearly without food so keep trying; even if all you can manage is mashed banana!

Take advice from a solicitor, just to see what your options are.

Try to have no contact with him for a couple of weeks to help you clear your head.

Have there been other things which he's done/said which have caused you concern?

oldwomanwholivesinashoe · 07/05/2012 23:08

So sorry ffb - this is a horrible thing to happen to anyone.
I hate that I'm going to start by saying "I've been through the same" because I hated that when anyone said it to me. Just because other people have had the same experience doesn't take away what you are going through.
You have a gorgeous little one and whatever happens, he has given up the right to see her every day and night. He can see her whenever you agree access but that's not the same as being there 24/7 - she will realise that as she grows up and will learn that he made things that way. My son is 9 and has not lived with his father since he was 2 and now is realising that he doesn't much like his father and he sees him every week (I have stayed out of it).
You will meet someone else. This may seem a stupid thing to say now, but it will happen. You will look back and thank your lucky stars this happened but I know this is little comfort now!
Take comfort in the fact that having done this to you, he will do it to his next girlfriend. You are now out of all that.
I wish I could make you see that things are going to be better now but I can't. What people forget is that just because someone has cheated doesn't stop you loving him. It's not easy to switch feelings off like that. But you will stop caring, I promise. There will come a day when you wave your dd off with him while thinking "I'm so glad I'm not with him any more." And this doesn't have to affect the relationship between her and him, believe me. Kids are not stupid - given the chance, they can work out for themselves who is in the right/wrong.
Take care - use your mum as much as you can! She'll want to be used.
And don't think that because you have a daughter that no one else will want you. That's nonsense! I met my now husband after all this and I know many others in the same boat so you still have the same future you had before - just with someone you haven't met yet.
I wish I could make it better now but please believe it will get better and DON'T let him make money an issue!! And don't let him worm his way back in. You deserve better and you will get better. If you ever think "why me?" then the answer is - your little one. Without him there would be no her, but now you have no need of him. (Well other than as her father and you should still encourage that)
You will be SOOOO much happier in 6 months, I promise. Not much help now, but you are doing the right thing.
Take care xxxx

runningforthebusinheels · 07/05/2012 23:25

OP, nobody could blame you for wanting to consider salvaging the relationship. You must be feeling devastated at this sudden bomb that's been dropped on you. But from your own posts your dp has behaved in a very bad way both before and after you finding out about his little fling. Is this really a man you want a marriage with?

Has he shown any remorse at all? I get the feeling he's just pissed that he got caught.

runningforthebusinheels · 07/05/2012 23:37

Oh, and as I understand it, legally, either parent can abduct their child - it matters not one jot what is on the birth certificate. What the op's partner threatened was very serious indeed.

mathanxiety · 08/05/2012 00:51

I second that Runningforthebushinheels - and abduction has nothing to do with the bc.

TheNorthWitch · 08/05/2012 01:04

I'm actually wondering if he chose his timing carefully, making sure to leave it close to the wedding so that - in his mind - you'd feel unable to end it.

This is what I wondered too - points to much colder manipulative behaviour than just a sad and regretable fling. Please don't marry him now - even if you do decide not to end the relationship put the wedding on the back burner for a few years. Never mind the upheaval - you and DD's happiness is the priority - think long term.

SuperDaddio · 08/05/2012 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MadAboutHotChoc · 08/05/2012 07:43

I understand your feelings about wanting to give it another go but please read Thumbwitch's post.

He needs to be on his knees begging for forgiveness and backing up his words with actions. Instead, he decides to scare you by driving off with DD and comes out with crap about going ahead with the wedding despite his cheating.

There is no way a reconciliation will be successful, sorry Sad

snax84 · 08/05/2012 07:53

Superdad- please remember he cheated on her then threatened to not return dd while speeding of down the road, does that really sound like a responsible person to be in charge of a small child?
People would have the same reaction if the role was changed & it was the mother being irresponsible.
As for the nickname I think it might be in response to her ex p's appalling behaviour not her actual real life nickname,
Perhaps try to read the whole thread before commenting insensitively

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 08/05/2012 08:05

SuperDaddio - I think your advice speaks volumes actually - this man drove off with their daughter saying he was taking her. It's nothing to do with why they have split up and everything to do with the fact tgat he is playing games and using the child.

Stop letting your own personal feelings and experiences from seeing tge facts.

Nyac · 08/05/2012 08:43

Talk about reversals - claiming a woman used her child as a weapon against a man, when in fact the exact opposite happened

This is how women get bullied into submitting to abusive men, becasue people refuse to see the abuse right in front of their eyes.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/05/2012 09:02

Who was SuperDaddio addressing about their nickname, language and going 'out in [sic] the town with your "mates"'?

KisMittz · 08/05/2012 09:14

SuperDaddio, you post about AnyFucker speaks volumes about you, and how dare you make insinuations about someone ''does that apply when your out in the town with your "mates" :0 yuk!)'' based on a NN? What a vile thing to say. Angry

That is the kind of comment people make when they have backed themselves into a corner and their arguments are groundless.

I know some great fathers who would not dream of using their child to allow the Mother to believe he was 'taking' the girl permanently, just to make a petty point having been unfaithful Hmm.
The child's well being is paramount. He did not show this in his actions.

OP, your train on thought in normal and I think natural, but Sad he does not come out of this well. He isn't filled with remorse, or acting like he feels it.... If he were worth a future with you, he would sit down and admit he had screwed up and be asking how he could heal things to deserve a future with you. SadSad
I am so sorry, but the way someone behaves in circumstances like this is generally a reflection of their true selves...

clam · 08/05/2012 09:44

I reckon anyfucker is tough enough to deal with the observations of twats posters like daddio.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 09:52

aw, shame I missed twattio's attempts at engaging with me last night Grin

pinguthepenguin · 08/05/2012 13:07

Girls remember ignore the super-twattio!! ( although I'd hazard a guess that 'super-daddio' he is anything BUT)

Lets not let him derail the thread for Ffb, she's been getting fab advice so far x

SimoneD · 08/05/2012 13:16

Please please be strong OP and do not marry this man. Have you told anyone in RL yet? Tell your mum/best friend, anyone who can give you support through this.
Yes, relationships do recover from affairs but that is when the person involved is truly sorry for their actions and is willing to do whatever it takes to get things on the right road again. Your DP has done nothing of the sort has he? He basically just expects you to suck it up and accept the fact he wants to screw around and come home and see his family once in a blue moon. He has been very upfront about what sort of a person he is and what you can expect in a marraige (i.e. misery). Please think about his behaviour and the life you will have and the example you will be showing your daughter. Surely that is more important than the shortlived embarrassment of cancelling your wedding.

tribpot · 08/05/2012 14:22

I also hope you've been able to tell people in real life, OP. Please get all the support you need.

mathanxiety · 08/05/2012 14:57

FFB:

'Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?! '

You have to address this with him and not be blinded by the shock of finding out about the alleged two occasions when he slept with the OW.

These are the words of a man whose heart is not in the relationship with you, a man who has another relationship, with someone else, and it has been going on for a while, so long that he has actually mulled over in his mind how he will manage the two relationships.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 15:31

it seems the biggest relationship he has is with himself and fuck everyone else

SimoneD · 08/05/2012 15:41

And I know that you think that the timing of this is awful but actually you will probably look back and think that the timing is a blessing. Imagine if you had found out 2 weeks after your wedding that he was sleeping with someone else and intended to carry on the 2 relationships - seeing you and dd whenever he sees fit.
He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

lazarusb · 08/05/2012 19:49

mathanxiety has a point. He didn't want to lose you, he wanted you and her whenever it was convenient for him.