what the fuck am i supposed to do with this now you fucking wank stain?!

[fuckingfuckingbastard]

so angry - name changed

DP has been working away, I went to visit him last weekend- we stayed in a hotel and had a lovely time. I came home and he suddenly started to act weird.

I came back on Sunday and that evening he was going out for dinner with his bosses, on the company- how nice thought i...

Tonight he has been really really off with me, saying weird stuff like how much he likes being away and wants to stay there- "coming home every once and a while to see the family"... WTF?!

Anyway, i was clearly pissed off with this and was asking what the hell he was going on about and what the hell had got in to him?!

It aroused my suspicsions so much- just knew something was off so I checked inline banking and there was a payment to slug and lettuce on sunday- he told me he went somewhere else with the bosses- however payment is not enough to be for dinnner, couple of drinks, makes me think he went there after the meal with ??? - he did not mention doing this.

I then checked the online account on t-mobile and I can see loads of texts to a number I don't know- you guessed it, since sunday night.....

I tried to ring the number but got voicemail.

Don't know what the fuck to do. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of weeks. We have a beautiful dd, 19 months old :(

I think he was only saying the "coming home once and a while" thing to push me away after he had done it to push me away after he felt guilty. This is how I knew something was wrong. I know him too well for him to hide anything, I can tell instantly when he is lying so I don't know why he bothers!

I also am pretty certain that it all happened pretty suddenly last week.

I have arranged to meet with him on Friday, I can't let everything go without seeing what he has to say (even if it's just out of curiosity)

Also looked at the wedding paper work today and we will be liable to pay the full amount. So so so so so so so so shit.

Surely he should pay for the wedding costs, not you?

Just remember, he's the one that's fucked up, if he wanted to save it he should be on his knees grovelling, not prancing around winding you up.

I'm usually all in favour of second chances and I do think people can make mistakes and get over them, but god he sounds like a twat.

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

Good idea SugarPaste. Or perhaps FFB had wedding insurance? [hopeful]

Absolutely agree with Sugarpaste - for example, I had bought material for bridesmaids dresses from a haberdashers in London - one fabric I already had, one was on order. I phoned them and they started off with "Oh no, we can't do refunds or take it back" until I explained the situation and then they fell over themselves to help me - cancelled the order for the one fabric and said of course they'd take the other one back, full refund. They did suggest a credit note but i explained I wouldn't be able to use it so they coughed up the cash.

The wedding band - lost the 10% deposit but that was it.

The venue - lost the 50% deposit but that was it (was still cross about that as they had over 3m to get another booking, which I bet they did!)

Cancelled the order for the invitations, no cost on explanation.

It is worth explaining what has happened - some people (if not all) will feel sorry enough for you to refund, even partially.

yeah, and the good ol waterworks really help too! go for it love!

Also for things like tge venue, if they really won't refund you then try asking them if they manage to get another booking will they then refund you.

Just because you can't get the money backfrom the venue, doesnot mean you should be going ahead with it!

Just saying.

No amount of money would make me walk down the aile with a man that clearly does not love me and fucked someone else. No way in hell. I would feel so embarressed for the guess attending a fake wedding. I just couldnt do it.

Stupid question but how much money has he put towards the wedding? I would cancell and then take him to court to pay you back the money lost. Make it.one exspensive shag for him.

Maybe askk the women he fucked if she wants to marry him?

But of course you dont want to throw your wedding away do you? Cos he has.

Definitely ring everyone and explain then if anything has to be paid out he pays it.

Do youknow, i could possibly, possibly, work through a one-off instance of unfaithfulness (dont think id bother to behonest, bit i hypothetically could) what would absolutely ensure i would never ever consider giving this bloke a second chance would be the phone and 'i'm taking dd' incident.

You got a real glimpse at who he really is there, op. A nasty, contemptuoslittle prick who is actually infuriated that you have spoilt his fun.

"I think he was only saying the "coming home once and a while" thing to push me away after he had done it to push me away after he felt guilty. This is how I knew something was wrong."

I really, really think he said this to prepare you for a future where he works away a lot, so that he can carry on with this, and probably future affairs. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Please don't let him. You will only end up going through this sort of situation again.

It seems as though he got very angry with you for taking exception to his behaviour. Can't help thinking this is because, deep down (or maybe even not that deep down), he thinks he ought to be entitled to do what he wants whilst you wait at home. Sickening.

I agree with MoChan. He doesn't see that what he has done is actually that bad. Why is it a problem? It was only sex. But it was actually much more than that, not solely a physical or emotional betrayal. The way he behaved with your dd has just reinforced his belief that what he did wasn't that bad. He holds public embarrassment more relevant than your feelings.

FFB I read this last night when I was on my phone and made a mental note to post today because I want you to know what happened to me, as I've been in a very similar situation and think a lot can be learnt from my mistakes.

Eight years ago I was engaged to my partner of several years. About two months before the wedding, he started acting strange - distant, snappy etc. Eventually I asked him straight out what was going on and he admitted that he didn't want to get married. But that's not the end of it - my intuition told me there was someone else, even though he denied it. So I looked at his phone, and found numerous 'loving' messages to and from a teenage girl he worked with (he was mid-late 30's at time). I did more snooping and discovered that the affair had been going on for months and they were planning on moving in together, which they did not long after. Needless to say the wedding, honeymoon etc was all cancelled with just two months to go - we lost all the deposits and my parents lost £500 on the wedding dress, which they were paying for (I later paid them back over time). Yes, it's the most humiliating thing to have to do - telling friends, family and cancelling things - but I got over it because it wasn't my fault and I made sure everybody knew that in no uncertain terms.

Two months later, around the time the wedding would have been, he got back in touch and begged me to take him back - said he'd made a big mistake, he wished we'd have got married after all, etc etc. We met up to talk and to cut a long story short I was a complete idiot and fell for his shit we got back together (he'd split up from the teenager). A year later we moved back in together and he was on about having a baby. As things were stable again I agreed and got pregnant. Four months into my planned pregnancy, guess what? Yep, he because distant, snappy etc. I knew what was to come and when I confronted him it was no surprise to hear he'd been having an affair for the previous two months. I kicked him out but still wanted him to be a dad to our child. Unfortunately he didn't want that (after being the one who initially wanted a child) and to this day he's never bothered to even see my DS and doesn't pay a penny for him (DS is almost 6).

That's not the end - when DS was about 1, I found out that my ex had a total of 5 children with 4 different women - two of which were conceived when we were together, including one with the teenager he'd left me for previously. In short, he'd been living a double life all the time we were together and I'd had no idea. By now, several years down the line, he probably has more children with more women. He doesn't pay for or see any of them. All those women treated like shit, all those children left without a dad.

The reason I'm telling you all this is to confirm that leopards don't change their spots. This man does not care about you - he's lied to you, cheated on you, manipulated you, blamed you - and if you meet him on Friday he will talk you round. I guarantee it. These men always do, because they want to win. Once they've won the 'prize' they'll move on, so even if you did get married he'd be shagging someone else within months. My advice would be to cancel everything, take the financial hit (he can pay at least half, if not more) and start again. You deserve better, and so do your future children.

SoftKitty - what a shit.

SotWarmKitty WTF ??

Can such men exist ?? They should really be neutered and their penis cut off.

OP, you need to read Softwarmkitty's post twice.

ffb, just wanted to reiterate what pp have said.

I had to cancel a wedding with a few weeks notice, and most of the suppliers were very sympathetic and understanding. It's a horrid job, but once you've done it you will feel much better.

I know that you will be reading these posts about your partner with a lot of mixed thoughts, don't be surprised at that. I agree with most of them, it sounds like you are much better off without him, but it's very hard to read these things about the man that you loved and the father of your daughter. It's important for her sake that you try and keep the relationship as civil as possible, but you also need to show her and him that you can't be pushed around - by anyone.

Take time now to sit and breathe and think. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. Remember that no matter what, you and your daughter will be ok, in fact, you'll be better off without him.

I'm thinking of you. x

SoftKitty - I've been lurking. Your post has just really helped me. for you though. What a shit.

I think the cost of the wedding would be a bargain compared to the cost of divorce or the cost of living with someone and waiting for the other shoe to fall..

That aside, I do know of a bride who cancelled who 'sold' her wedding for 80p on the pound on Ebay. Basically she advertised and managed to find someone trying to get a wedding together at short notice (minus the dresses, rings and other accessories). The venue and reception she 'sold'. Didn't make money but didn't lose the whole amount either.

Or you could negotiate with the big ticket vendors, see how little they will accept. You have a little power here because reputation counts for a lot in the wedding business and they know about wedding business forums. I know you probably don't have the stomach for it but it's worth it.

'if you meet him on Friday he will talk you round. I guarantee it. These men always do, because they want to win. Once they've won the 'prize' they'll move on, so even if you did get married he'd be shagging someone else within months.'
Excellent advice there. Please don't say 'it couldn't happen to me', or 'that's not what I'm dealing with'.

Don't let the pressure of the upcoming wedding lead you to paint yourself into a corner.

I really think that 'coming home once in a while' bit was very significant and not just an off the cuff remark. Nobody would say that if they were committed to marriage. It is the opposite of what he would be thinking or feeling about your life together. It is the opposite of what he should be feeling about the role he plays in his DD's life. It is the opposite of what you were feeling about your plans for your life together.
He has a plan, and there is some strong motivation behind that remark.

I just wamt to give you a great big hug because i know how much you must be hurting right now.

If i was your mum i would want you to be happy. Sod the money i would want you to be happy and not feel guilty about it at all. its not your fault. I would not want you to spend your life with such a horrible man who has hurt you so much. Im sure your mum will be supportive of your decidion to cancell. In the long term its your happeness that counts. Please dont waste anymore time on this man he is not worth it.

Take some time and grieve but dont be fooled by him again you know now that he will cheat on you and use your dd agenst you.

ffb let it just be a waste of money and not your future as well

Been lurking through whole thread & thought I would give a different perspective.
My dad was a player all his life, he cheated on my mother many many times during their marriage alway had at least one other woman on the go.
He would come home begging my mum for forgiveness, she would give in take him back all would be well for a little while then the arguments would start again & dad would disappear again, he done that to all his wives.
It was hard growing up with a disappearing dad now as an adult I have discoverd 2 more sisters & a brother from his affairs I already had a half sis from his second marriage.
My mother was left with very little self confidence after him.
It was easier after the divorced when I was 6 as we saw him regulary twice aweek & thing were more amicable between him & my mother.
Some times it can more difficult for the child especially if only 1 parent truly wants to save the relationship & the other don't really want to change.
(I still loved my dad no les & was actually a daddy's girl) but would never settle for a man like him.

I agree, OP, ring your suppliers and explain and you may well get more sympathy than you think.

And he can pay any remaining costs. Obviously.

OP i can understand why your are waivering but you really need to stay objective and focused and angry!

it might feel easier right now to just let him convince you that its going to be ok and that he has got it out of his system and probably a whole host of other crappy excuses, but i think you need to be realistic about the chances of the success of this marriage. He has been unfaithful already, that you know about.
he is expecting you to take him back.
its true that people survive affairs but something tells me that he isnt exactly taking his infidelity all that seriously from his previous responses. If he was truly sorry he would have reacted so differently, dont be reeled in now.

The wedding will be hard to cancel but i honestly would, and as others have said, if you explain, people will by sympathetic. no need for chapter and verse, but dont go through with it either because you cant face the alternative or because of the money you will lose. They are not good reasons to base a marriage on.

hope you still hanging on in there OP.