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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

whole world is falling apart

181 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:35

Some people might remember my previous thread, if not you can find it I think? Sorry but I can't bear to write it all out again, but basically my fiance kissed/was texting my SIL.......... I feel like I'm losing my mind

I made the (I now realise) ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance, he said he was sorry, he loved me, it was all a mistake and that we could try and make things work, and weirdly after all the arguments and tears and everything that's happened I thought there was a chance

In the meantime my DB has left his wife, moved away from the city we live in, back to my parents, has given up his job and everything, he will hardly speak to me but every now and again his wife is drip feeding him information (all of which I know, but he's struggling to take it in so every time I've tried to talk to him he won't have any of it) and every time she does he's been on to me, but I know it all, but because he isn't able to deal with listening our relationship is deteriorating so much :(

My parents are being supportive of both of us, whatever we both decide but after seeing my DB at the weekend and realising what this really has all done, I don't think I can continue, it's ruined the relationship I had with my DB, I don't know if it'll ever be the same

My brother has said he'll never speak to me again if I stay with him, and I understand why, I really do, I was just trying to clutch onto something I think, but I was wrong

I think I've been kidding myself, that if we carry on as normal it never happened and things will be ok - it's almost sometimes as if this has happened to someone else and it's not real - me & my fiance, on a day to day basis are getting on well, which is why it feels like that I think??

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to end it all, he keeps talking about the wedding plans and how we should book this and that, I can't even think about it, it makes me feel sick, my brother should've been an usher and now he won't even speak to me :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:37

Sorry, I don't even know what I expect anyone to say except that I need to buck my ideas up, get rid and start again, easier said than done though, I never thought anything like this would ever happen, how do people cope??

OP posts:

CrispyCod · 02/05/2012 16:41

I haven't read your other thread, sorry.

If you and your partner think there is a chance of a future then you should go for it. I can understand your brother is annoyed with you however just because his relationship has broken down completely doesn't mean your's should too. Different people deal with issues differently. Your brother obviously felt his wife's actions were a dealbreaker. This might not be the case for you.

At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is right.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 16:41

I remember your thread. Has he admitted it, then?

oikopolis · 02/05/2012 16:43

i also remember your thread. so it all came out in the end?

i am so glad you've decided to let this guy go, he is SUCH a knobber and will make your life more and more miserable. i hope for your sake that you stick to your guns.

i am so sorry to hear your DB is in such pain, the poor man.

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:44

Yes, he admitted they kissed twice and he showed me his phone with the texts, they met once, in a public place to try and get it all sorted/stopped but after that there were texts with them arranging to meet on a night out when she was due to be in town with friends and so was he

He took a week to admit anything, during that week he was utterly horrible to me, blamed me for checking him phone etc/denied everything - it's the lies that I'm struggling with, he lied to my face and if I'd let it drop he wouldn't have admitted anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:46

If I stay with him my brother will never speak to me again, he's lost everything :(

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KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 16:46

sars

You can do sooo much better than this cheating turd. He was texting her when you and your brother were in the house with them wasn't he?

Utter scumbag lying bastard. Get rid ASAP.

Slambang · 02/05/2012 16:48

I remember too.

It sounds as if your db is taking out his pain and lashing out at you (the other innocent victim in this) instead of where his anger should be aimed - his xw

Mumsyblouse · 02/05/2012 16:49

I also remember your thread. I can understand your brother's anger, this man cheated/kissed his wife and he has paid a high price for this (although obviously it was his choice to end the relationship). I understand you wanted to try again, but I think the link with your brother and the fact that you still feel so distressed about the lies, means it may be impossible to get past it.

Do you want to be with this man, if your brother had no feelings about it whatsoever?

CalamityJones · 02/05/2012 16:49

Oh, I remember your old thread; I have thought of you and wondered what happened.

You poor thing, and your poor brother. I wish I had something wise and comforting to say, but really it boils down to - your fiance is a complete and utter wanker, RUN RUN RUN and don't look back.

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:52

It sounds as if your db is taking out his pain and lashing out at you (the other innocent victim in this) instead of where his anger should be aimed - his xw

Yes, for some reason he's lashing out at me, even though I know from my dad that he's been up to see his ex a number of times, he screamed and swore in my face at the weekend but wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, even though I wasn't actually trying to defend anything, I know fully well they both did wrong

OP posts:

LaMeuf · 02/05/2012 16:53

I remember you. I am very sorry that our suspicions were right.

You need to weigh up whether it would be worth losing your relationship with your brother to maintain the relationship with the knob end who cheated on you, Sorry but if he cheated once he may well do it again, The fact he had the gall to do it with your SIL is even worse, it shows an utter lack of respect.

I really dislike the 'leave him' comments you so often find on here. In this case however, I think you need to cut him loose. I'm so sorry, you sound very nice, what an awful situation.

ABatInBunkFive · 02/05/2012 16:53

I remember i'm sorry things are so crap between you and your brother, i think you'll be well rid of the twat that is supposed to be your DP i wouldn't be surprised if he is still lying tbh has there been any sort of real remorse rather than oh fuck i've been caught, carrying on like normal is a tad bizzare, you are strong you can start again you can fix things with your brother if you want to.

Doha · 02/05/2012 16:54

I remember the thrad and wondered what had happened.

Your DB cannot be replaced -the nobber that is your fiance can and should be replaced asap. I am surprised that you even considered trying again considering he was shitting on his own doorstep.
There is no way there can be a happy ever after here without you losing you DB and it's not a price you should even consider to pay,

Move on.

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:57

Do you want to be with this man, if your brother had no feelings about it whatsoever?

I think it would be easier to forgive/forget, but if my DB never speaks to me again how can I ever do that, it's a constant reminder and our family will never be the same :( before all this my DB was more like a friend really, which is how/why our respective partners ended up spending so much time together

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oikopolis · 02/05/2012 16:58

your brother is hurt. but you know what, ignore your brother for the moment - you really really really have to leave your fiance, whether your brother is upset or not.

i know it's painful, but this pain is temporary. staying with your fiance means permanent pain. no trust, no peace.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 16:59

Say you stay.

What happens if your DB meets someone else and he forgives your partner?

Do you honestly think you and your brother could ever feel easy that history won't repeat itself?

Do you know in your heart that he would never do this again with another woman?

I think not.

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 17:03

Thing is KatieScarlett - I'd never trust another partner of my brother's either!! So either way I'm screwed, I thought she was my friend, I took her wedding dress shopping FFS!!!

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Longdistance · 02/05/2012 17:04

It does sound like he's taking it out on you, but only because maybe cos ur still with ur df, and you didn't ditch him. He was married, and now his marriage is over, ur still with ur df (and sounds like u forgave him), and it 2 him shows ur condoning ur df behaviour.
If it was me in ur shoes (and I'm not u), I'd have ditch df rather than staying with him, as my db is more important iygwim.
Hope u can find some resolve.

Proudnscary · 02/05/2012 17:08

My heart bleeds for you.

But here are the facts:

He cheated on you WITH YOUR BROTHER'S WIFE. His selfish, immature desires overrode any thoughts about how this would devastate you, your family, your brother and his marriage.

If he can do that, he's capable of anything.

He lied, blamed you, denied it, treated you like shit and now has the temerity to act like all is well and you will be getting married as planned knowing that your relationship with your brother is in tatters.

Please OP take a few hours this evening to go through this board - read all the many, many threads from women who are married with children and whose husband's have lied and cheated on them. This will, most likely (fuck it - definitely) be you. You have a chance to escape this fate if you end this now.

TooEasilyTempted · 02/05/2012 17:08

I can see where your brother is coming from tbh. Not only was he betrayed by his wife and his friend (your DP) but now his sister is sticking by the OM, so he probably, rightly or wrongly, also feels berated by you. Under these circumstances your brother is within his rights to refuse to have anything to do with your DP. Your parents probably don't know where to put themselves. It's an awful situation for your whole family.

The issue of your brother aside, your partner is a knob and you should get rid.

Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 17:10

I don't want to have to make a decision on who is more important though, if I leave my fiance it's because I want to leave him, that's what I wanted to tell my DB but he wouldn't listen to me, screamed c*unt in my face, ran out of the room, pushed me out of the way

I told him I wanted to talk about it and I didn't want ultimatums, I understand he's hurt but I haven't taken anything out on him - even though his Ex continued to text, 'do you miss me' and how she was all on her own after I'd told everyone what was going on

Yes they were married but we've been together for twice as long, they just got married after knowing each other about 6 months

Oh it's all just a fucking mess and I can't deal with it

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Original poster

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 17:12

I'm not saying I don't know where my brother is coming from, I do, I truely do, I love him to pieces

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 17:15

Sars

Stay with him then. It'll be a disaster but it seems that what he has done to you (and your family) is not a sackable offence. He will do this again because by staying with him you have effectively said "I will stay with you regardless".

ABatInBunkFive · 02/05/2012 17:20

You are right anything you do should be because you want to do it not because of pressure from other people.

Why would you want to stay with someone who crossed so many boundries and treated you like crap when you caught him out?

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