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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

whole world is falling apart

181 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:35

Some people might remember my previous thread, if not you can find it I think? Sorry but I can't bear to write it all out again, but basically my fiance kissed/was texting my SIL.......... I feel like I'm losing my mind

I made the (I now realise) ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance, he said he was sorry, he loved me, it was all a mistake and that we could try and make things work, and weirdly after all the arguments and tears and everything that's happened I thought there was a chance

In the meantime my DB has left his wife, moved away from the city we live in, back to my parents, has given up his job and everything, he will hardly speak to me but every now and again his wife is drip feeding him information (all of which I know, but he's struggling to take it in so every time I've tried to talk to him he won't have any of it) and every time she does he's been on to me, but I know it all, but because he isn't able to deal with listening our relationship is deteriorating so much :(

My parents are being supportive of both of us, whatever we both decide but after seeing my DB at the weekend and realising what this really has all done, I don't think I can continue, it's ruined the relationship I had with my DB, I don't know if it'll ever be the same

My brother has said he'll never speak to me again if I stay with him, and I understand why, I really do, I was just trying to clutch onto something I think, but I was wrong

I think I've been kidding myself, that if we carry on as normal it never happened and things will be ok - it's almost sometimes as if this has happened to someone else and it's not real - me & my fiance, on a day to day basis are getting on well, which is why it feels like that I think??

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to end it all, he keeps talking about the wedding plans and how we should book this and that, I can't even think about it, it makes me feel sick, my brother should've been an usher and now he won't even speak to me :(

OP posts:
PillarBoxRedRoses · 02/05/2012 17:21

Sars, I remember your thread. How awful for you, and how hard for you now.

I won't give you any advice re your fiance - other people will do that much better than I.

But wrt your DB. Try to not take anything he is saying to heart at the moment. He is hurting, really badly. Just give him some space and try talking about it with him a bit later. You can't make him talk, and he is not in a reasonable state of mind.

This is an awful situation and he has lots of anger and can't direct it in the right way right now.

Thinking of you.

wannaBe · 02/05/2012 17:22

No-one can tell you to leave him op. Ultimately only you can make that decision.

From your brother's perspective, his wife cheated with his future BIL and now you are going to welcome the OM into his family.

From your perspective, your dp cheated with your SIL, but you love him and want to work things out.

There is actually no right or wrong here; you are not responsible for how your brother is feeling right now, even if you do work things out with your dp.

The question is, what do you want?

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 17:23

I remember your thread. I posted on it a lot

Your brother is doing you a MASSIVE favour by not helping you try and bury this in order for you to WASTE YOUR LIFE on a turd who WILL cheat on you again and again and again in the future.

Your fiance is SCUM. The way he did what he did, the way he handled the whole thing, showed an utter contempt for you as a person, never mind the person he is supposed to love (but doesn't, actually, because he's quite prepared to mess around with - well, anyone really).

Leave

Leave

Leave.

Even if your brother wasn't even involved, your staying with this man is a tragedy.

See him for what he is, he has SHOWN YOU. A liar, a cheat, a smug deceitful bastard.

Get out now.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 17:24

And if you stay and have DC, be prepared for

"Why does Uncle x hate daddy?"

Proudnscary · 02/05/2012 17:26

I understand you can't see or think straight.

That's why we are doing that for you.

Fuck who is more important between your brother and your fiance! That whole issue is a red herring. Don't worry about that choice. Choose not to stay with someone who cheated on you, lied and lied and now wants to sweep it under the carpet.

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 17:27

Oh and I think there were a few people on your previous thread who said that it was highly, highly unlikely that it was just a kiss and some texts. That still holds. It's more than likely that they slept together, and that would make far more sense of your brother's approach to the whole thing too.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 17:28

Having contributed to your other thread, I'm astounded - but, sadly, unsurprised - that you chose to continue giving the lying cocklodger houseroom.

As far as your db is concerned, by staying with the man who's brought his world crashing down around his ears, you've shown far less integrity and self-respect than he has.

Telling your brother what his dw and the twunt got up to under your roof and the texts you discovered was a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation, but if you continue to remain in a relationship with the architect of your db's misfortune, it's quite clear that you'll be damned both by your db and by the life you'll have with an unscrupulous deceiver.

As for marrying this deceiful, underhand, immoral, twunt; wild horses wouldn't be able to drag me to the altar but I'm guessing the next post from you will be on the lines of how he had it off with one of your bridesmaids or another female while you were on your honeymoon/pg/giving birth/at your pfb's christening or some such entirely predicable scenario.

It's my understanding that medical science has not yet developed a procedure for putting eyes in the backs of heads, which is a great shame because if you are deluded enough to marry this twunt you're going to need them.

Btw, I sincerely hope that you and your db are not labouring under the illusion that all your sil and the unspeakable piece of gobshite did was kiss and text as this would indicate that you are, indeed, the pair of mugs they took you for when they embarked on their sordid affair.

Willowisp · 02/05/2012 17:28

haven't read your other thread, but want to say how sorry I am to hear your situation.

I think your brother is being somewhat pathetic, is he younger that you ? Mind you, I suppose he is just being a man...only thinking of himself.

You need to distance yourself from him, if he loses everything, it's NOT your fault, his wife could have cheated with anyone. It's all a bit, I've lost my wife, you must lose your partner.

If you want to remain with your (ex) fiance, then that is your choice & you shouldn't be influenced by anyone else....whether its a good idea to be with someone who's cheated on you, is a different story.

oikopolis · 02/05/2012 17:29

you don't need to choose who's more important, don't get distracted by that!

you can leave your fiance

and if your brother is happy about that, whatever, he can feel however he wants.

what's important is that YOU are able to move on and not drag this rotting corpse of a relationship along behind you.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 17:32
TheLastNameLeft · 02/05/2012 17:34

Hi Sars, I read your other thread too..cant really add more to Izzy's post above really.

TheLastNameLeft · 02/05/2012 17:35
suburbophobe · 02/05/2012 17:35

Yes, I do remember your thread.

Frankly my dear I'm surprised you still have that creep around.

Any man (or woman) who cannot see (= respect) a boundary in family relationships is definately not worth the time of day. 24/7/365

I think that is what your brother is trying to come to terms with too. Hence his confusion/taking it out on you.

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 17:36

OP, you say yourself that staying with him was a 'ridiculous decision'

It was.

But you can un-make it. Really easily. And go on to find a decent partner and have a brilliant life, where you aren't constantly looking over your shoulder (oh, and half estranged from your family).

Ask yourself what is stopping you from acting in your own best interests. If it's love, see that for what it is - a fake. If it's fear, take action against it - you can do that. Just don't sleepwalk into a marriage and children with a foul nasty cheat.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 17:36

Have you ever heard of the saying 'blood is thicker than water' Willow?

Having advised a number of OPs to sever all ties with their biological relatives, I feel no compunction about advising this OP to cement her relationship with her brother by showing that she's not as thick as her self-serving fiance appears to believe.

hattifattner · 02/05/2012 17:37

Sarsaparilllla, your fiancé has betrayed your trust - firstly by "courting" your SIL, secondly by lying to you about it and blaming you. I very much doubt that it was a simple snog between the two of them. If I recall, the texts were declaring undying lust?

The basis of a marriage has to be trust. You don't have it, and I doubt you will ever get it back.

(3 months ago I found my DH had signed up to an online dating agency for people looking for affairs. It has rocked our marriage to the very core, and I will never be able to trust him again - thats the simple fact of it. He has not done anything other than look, but I was devastated and I still dont know if we can fix our marriage with this huge big elephant in the room.).

I can fully understand your DBs reaction, and I dont think he is really going to cut all contact with you forever, but he is hurt beyond rational thought, so yes he is lashing out at you - but understandably because he loves you and he wants to spare you the devastating pain that he is in now.

I would advise you to postpone the wedding and really come to grips with whats happened, without the pressure to walk down the aisle and play happy families.

All the time you are still making plans to wed the twunt, he thinks he's off the hook.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 17:40

Oh, and think about your wedding.

The guests will really have to give an oscar winning performance to convince how happy they are for you both. They won't be. They'll be thinking "Poor sars , not got much self-esteem, has she?" and gossiping about how your new husband broke up your brothers marriage. Nice.

That's if they turn up. I wouldn't.

Mosman · 02/05/2012 17:41

Everytime i have ever known somebody to pick their partner over family it has ended really badly and the family don't always forgive. Blood is thicker than water.

likeatonneofbricks · 02/05/2012 17:42

Oh. My. God. - you gave him another chance ?!
I do remember your thread - it was one of the most memorable ones on MN!
I can guarantee that he will cheat again, ha if he was audaciuos enough 'risk'taker' to do it with sil, it'd be child's play for him to do it elsewhere out of your sight! he obviously is led by his impulses and hhis nature WON@T CHANGE. If you ar one of the rare women who are happy to turm the blind eye, then you could go with it but will lose your DB. He may be attached to you but sexually he's obviously not satisfied with one woman. Your SIL is a bloody manipulator btw ('do you miss me' - makes me sick).

Crazytictac · 02/05/2012 17:43

You will find love again. You won't have another brother.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 17:43

It was either that or banging my head on desk TLML. I opted to spare myself the resulting headache preserve my dignity and I can only hope that the OP will drop an unstealthy bomb on her groom-to-be Grin

chipsandmushypeas · 02/05/2012 17:44

I remember your thread.

I'm actually horrified you stayed with him Shock

Do you really think that's the best you can do? And your poor brother :(

Seriously, you need to ditch this guy and for gods sake please don't marry him.

Women will actually forgive anything!!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 02/05/2012 17:44

He didnt just cheat. He cheated with a family member.
He sort of started at the deep end.
So his standards of behaviour are set very low.

Do you really want to stay with a man who is prepared to get off with your SIL? If he is prepared to do that, what wont he do?

Seriously.

FriedSprout · 02/05/2012 17:45

I read your other thread too, can't believe you are staying with him to be honest.

For what it's worth, I think your brother has every right to be upset with you for staying with your partner. You are basically saying to your brother that he is less important to his sister than a wanker that broke up his marriage. And you are saying you forgive for this by staying with him too.

So much for sisterly love

That betrayal would hurt me as much, if not more than the original.

Mama1980 · 02/05/2012 17:46

I just want to say how sorry i am to hear of your situation what a truly awful thing for them to do Sad my difficulty would be the permenace of everything if that makes sense if you stay with him some day your children will have to know what he did, why they don't have a uncle. I agree your brother is unfairly taking it out on you but likewise I think it unreasonable to expect him to ever forgive your partner. If you want to stay with him-not sure why but if you do- then j think you would just have to sacrifice your relationship with your brother. I have a brother and for me I could never lose him that way, can you sacrifice that? After what he's done is he really worth it? Won't you always wonder when he'll do something similar again?