whole world is falling apart

[Sarsaparilllla]

Some people might remember my previous thread, if not you can find it I think? Sorry but I can't bear to write it all out again, but basically my fiance kissed/was texting my SIL.......... I feel like I'm losing my mind

I made the (I now realise) ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance, he said he was sorry, he loved me, it was all a mistake and that we could try and make things work, and weirdly after all the arguments and tears and everything that's happened I thought there was a chance

In the meantime my DB has left his wife, moved away from the city we live in, back to my parents, has given up his job and everything, he will hardly speak to me but every now and again his wife is drip feeding him information (all of which I know, but he's struggling to take it in so every time I've tried to talk to him he won't have any of it) and every time she does he's been on to me, but I know it all, but because he isn't able to deal with listening our relationship is deteriorating so much :(

My parents are being supportive of both of us, whatever we both decide but after seeing my DB at the weekend and realising what this really has all done, I don't think I can continue, it's ruined the relationship I had with my DB, I don't know if it'll ever be the same

My brother has said he'll never speak to me again if I stay with him, and I understand why, I really do, I was just trying to clutch onto something I think, but I was wrong

I think I've been kidding myself, that if we carry on as normal it never happened and things will be ok - it's almost sometimes as if this has happened to someone else and it's not real - me & my fiance, on a day to day basis are getting on well, which is why it feels like that I think??

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to end it all, he keeps talking about the wedding plans and how we should book this and that, I can't even think about it, it makes me feel sick, my brother should've been an usher and now he won't even speak to me :(

Advice on dumping him

"Now I've recovered from the shock of your betrayal I've decided that not only am I not going to marry you but I want you out of my life now. Goodbye."

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this the guy who, in addition to screwing your brother's wife, was also sponging off you and snorting cocaine?

That's the one clam

He's a keeper, isn't he?

Oh sars, I remember your thread. You can leave him - you owe him absolutely nothing.

At the very minimum you need to delay the wedding until your head is sorted. Please don't marry a man who you're not sure of .

OK, so why did you decide to stay? Really.
Is it because you truly believe he won't do it again? I'm sorry but he will. Anyone who ticked all the boxes he ticked for unacceptability the (supposed)first time around WILL do it again.
Or is it because you're afraid of the pain if you break it off? This is understandable, except that it's like ripping off a plaster. It will hurt far more over the long term if you let this limp on.
And that's not even taking into account the knowck-on effect on your own family. Is this guy really worth it? What has he done to show you he is worth it?
And I'm afraid he only admitted (in the end) to what he thought he could get away with. It went way further than he as acknowledged.
I'm so sorry - for you, your lovely brother and your parents.

Where in the other thread did it say he was a cocaine snorting sponger?

You poor thing. I lurked on your other thread. Horrible situtation.

I agree that the main point is not your relationship with your brother, though your point that it would be a constant reminder of what had happened is an important one.

I am not of the "once a cheat, always a cheat" camp. However, I do strongly believe that if cheating occurs while engaged, it is particularly telling and a definite indicator that the marriage is a BAD idea. For me, engagement is the time you are preparing - mentally, financially - to get married and if you cheat then, then you should not be getting married.

In your original post you seem to have made up your mind to leave but dreading how to do it. Break it down into little steps, maybe - in terms of organising your separation? Or to tell him first that the wedding is off indefinitely followed by a period of preparing to leave? I don't know what would work but I wonder if breaking it down might make it a bit easier for you?

There was another thread about his fondness for the white stuff as I recall Poo

he screwed you over and he screwed over your dear brother, and you still think hes good husband material??

Im not surprised your db is hurt

The only reason in my mind for getting married is because you think your partner will make you happy. Do you think this man will make you happy? Will he make you happy enough to risk losing your brother and no doubt having a strained relationship with your parents? Thats what you need to weigh up.

On how your brother is behaving "I told him I wanted to talk about it and I didn't want ultimatums" please leave him alone, let him deal with it in his own way, stop trying to make him "talk" and act rationally and reasonably. His marriage is falling apart and he is in pain - he doesn't want to be reasonable right now. By staying with your partner you are now part of his pain and I don't doubt he feels that you are condoning their actions by staying. You can't make him feel any differently about it by having a chat.

I have put up with many acts because I thought that I loved the person. BUt I am certain that anyone who cops off with their future sister in law has absolutely no boundaries and not a smidgeon of guilt and most likely the illicitness of it all added to the thrill.

But thats only my opinion not knowing him - you have to live with him.

I don't think Sars will be back after that barrage.

It is hard to hear what you know is right though it will hurt you a lot. Thing is, ditch the twat and it will hurt for a while but eventually you will get over it and you will have your brother back. Stay with the prick and you will never be able to trust him or live your life secure and you will have lost your brother, and potentially other family members for ever.

I think she's just thinking out loud. I'd say the relationship will end at some stage as this is untenable. Very nasty boat to be in.

I think also that the op is just as upset as her brother. She has lost her brother, her fiance and her friend, just as much as the brother has lost stuff. I think the op is in shock and just trying to hold everything together for the sake of normality. Now that normality is back again, to a degree, she can assess the damage, and is seeing that it is pretty far reaching. I think women often grieve the end of a relationship while still in it, and perhaps that is what she is doing. I think she is allowed to do this without being called disrespectful or disloyal to her brother, because her partner of the two had been in her life longer than his wife had been. So she is losing more there.

My dear - we have all been in boats like this. Can't stay, going is the hardest thing in the world. I am sorry you are in that boat now. If you can, make your decision quickly and then get it over and done with. I think you may well leave. :( I am sorry. If it has to be done, so it swiftly and tell your brother and parents, and then lick your wounds for a good while.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Try to remember that it won't last forever x x x

op i think you needed to hear some words from everyone, get your resolve back.

life will go on without this man!!!

KatieScarlett's post on other page.

Your wedding day is truly the best day of your life, it's the bride& her groom in a bubble of pure bliss and joy. Can you imagine yours to this person being that?? Can you handle having a wedding where you're embarrassed, a bit of a laughing stock and none of your family attend?? Imagine the speeches!!!! Imagine the rest.of.your.life. with this, dont you feel you deserve better?? Some women don't,
Leaving him will be a helluva lot easier than spending your entire life in this farce.

Also, you should consider going to the GUM clinic, i wouldn't put my fertility at risk on the worthless word of a man who 'only kissed' his sister in law..just sayin.

I know it'll be hard and emotional if you want more from your life and cut this weirdo loose but imagine the alternative!

If you want to carry on in this relationship that is entirely your decision. If you expect your brother to forgive and forget and play happy families you are fooling yourself. Your brother has every right to disassociate himself from this man and unfortunately by extension you too.

Seriously? What did you expect from your brother? This man was complicit in betraying him, and his sister with his wife. This was enough for your brother to end his marriage.

In time if you all carry on as normal it never happened you expect your brother to forgive this man and accept him as part of your family if you marry!

sars, what do you need from us ?

tell us what you need help with, sweetie

Sars, you and your brother need to unite against those two disgusting people. Grieve together, hold each other etc. How sad this has torn siblings apart :(

Start reclaiming your self-respect by changing your locks and packing his stuff up ready to leave on the doorstep.

With every item of his that you damage throw into black bin bags, visualise a piece of your self-respect returning to source and 'see' it start gradually turn a healthy rosy pink as the bags fill up.

When you've accomplished this task, send him a text saying to 'it's over. you're out of my life. your belongings are on the doorstep. don't bother contacting me. there's nothing to discuss'.

And then reflect on the fact that you have so very much going for you - your loving family, your friends, your health, your home, your job, to name but a few.

Your world isn't going to fall apart because you've dumped this lowdown, lying, twunt. On the contrary. Your world will become whole again without him in it.

he has cheated,
he has lied,
he has broken your trust,
he has sponged off you,

It is easier to walk away now than to stay and have to cope with him

You deserve better.

you will never be able to trust this man...he didn't even own up until a WEEK after you knew (and I don't think he's come clean even now)

SARS you can walk away from this and put it down to experience. Out there there are men who will love and respect and care for you and receive your love in return.

This man deserves nothing from you. Not even a reason for "goodbye"

I came here for support as to how not to lose my fucking mind in leaving him and how to deal with it, tbh I think the only reason I haven't yet is some kind of delayed shock or fuck knows what, like I said at the start it feels like this is happening in some kind of seperate universe, I can't think I can't sleep I feel like I'm losing the plot entirely

I never said I was staying or marrying him, I have no idea where anyone got that from, I'm trying to figure out how I can be strong enough to to this and not fall apart, I've somehow kept it pretty much together so far but I'm still facing up to what all of it means in the long term and how to start again

and I'm scared I can't keep my head straight, my mum had a breakdown just less than a year ago & I'm so scared of that, I feel myself spiralling and I wonder if that's what's happening, I haven't slept in weeks