whole world is falling apart

[Sarsaparilllla]

Some people might remember my previous thread, if not you can find it I think? Sorry but I can't bear to write it all out again, but basically my fiance kissed/was texting my SIL.......... I feel like I'm losing my mind

I made the (I now realise) ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance, he said he was sorry, he loved me, it was all a mistake and that we could try and make things work, and weirdly after all the arguments and tears and everything that's happened I thought there was a chance

In the meantime my DB has left his wife, moved away from the city we live in, back to my parents, has given up his job and everything, he will hardly speak to me but every now and again his wife is drip feeding him information (all of which I know, but he's struggling to take it in so every time I've tried to talk to him he won't have any of it) and every time she does he's been on to me, but I know it all, but because he isn't able to deal with listening our relationship is deteriorating so much :(

My parents are being supportive of both of us, whatever we both decide but after seeing my DB at the weekend and realising what this really has all done, I don't think I can continue, it's ruined the relationship I had with my DB, I don't know if it'll ever be the same

My brother has said he'll never speak to me again if I stay with him, and I understand why, I really do, I was just trying to clutch onto something I think, but I was wrong

I think I've been kidding myself, that if we carry on as normal it never happened and things will be ok - it's almost sometimes as if this has happened to someone else and it's not real - me & my fiance, on a day to day basis are getting on well, which is why it feels like that I think??

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to end it all, he keeps talking about the wedding plans and how we should book this and that, I can't even think about it, it makes me feel sick, my brother should've been an usher and now he won't even speak to me :(

Your brother may be misdirecting his pain and anger but at least he has valid reasons to be hurt and angry. Your fiancé betrayed you and when confronted with it, he lied. And lied with anger and indignation, as if he had been unjustly accused When you feel yourself wavering remember that week of him making your life hell. And bear in mind that he definitely did shag her, has probably cheated on you before, and definitely would again.

Hi there, I remember and posted on your last thread and just read this one! You now sound back in control and you have the confidence / knowledge that your life will be great again - friends / house / job/ girly weekend away........

Stay strong and know that you are doing the righ thing - best of luck for when you speak to him...........are you able to get RL support in case things get tricky when you ask him to leave, from reading many other posts I know that some men refuse to leave.

GO go you! well done for seeing what you need to do and being so strong!

Deep breath.

Make the call. One way or another, the sooner you do this, the less money you will lose.

IF he comes good, you can always rethink, but tbh, I wouldn't advise you do ever take him back, he really DID shit on his own front door step, if he can do this before you get married, have kids, a few years down the line etc... what will he do then? Cos he will. He's about a low a life form as I've seen on here.

Good for you, sars x

Well done Sars.
Glad the wedding cancelling won't be too much hassle.

I reckon the NON-hen could be exactly what the doctor ordered too so enjoy that!

How's it going?

I had a situation similar with my DH and my brother
It has never been the same
And I so wish I could go back in time and leave my husband then

please, a cancelled wedding is nothing compared to a life of resentment and bad feeling.
Every family occasion will be ruined, but aside from that I don't think your fiancee deserves your forgiveness

Hi, I remember your first thread and am now in a similar situation myself (will find a link to thread). My 'fiance' has admitted to sleeping with someone while away with work. Twice.

Our wedding was planned for beg July.

I am now having to cancel the wedding, even though he thinks I'm bluffing. He is convinced I am going to take him back and sweep it all under the carpet.

It's so horrible. I know it is the right thing to do and I've had a lucky escape etc... but I am just so sad that it has come to this.

I was going to pm you but I can't, was going to see where you were based.

FFB - I just saw your thread and sent you a PM!!

Yes, I think he's convinced everything will be forgotten about as well, I don't think he belives me that it's over, I've told him the wedding is off, that I'm going to call the wedding planner tomorrow (it's a wedding abroad, so she's been doing it all) but I don't think it's really sunk in with with him yet that it's all over, I can't go back from this, I can never, ever trust anything he says ever again

Also - when we were talking about it he said he thinks it's all been blown out of proportion - WTF???!! So if he thinks this is not much at all, and isn't that important what the fuck else has he done, or will do, that he won't think is very important - I think he's actually mental

I'm so sad, I thought he was the man I was going to marry, have kids with, have a future with, and now that's all gone, ands maybe now I won't ever have a baby, I'm not being melodramatic, I'm being practical, I'm nearly 35 :(

Everything's fucked, it really is :(

I remember your other thread. Poor poor you. I think you will get over him. And you will look back and thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him. In the meantime, it's one day at a time. Good luck. Big hugs.

Aw, love. It is crap. Fwiw, several of my friends didn't have their first baby until their 40s.

My tosser is also mental (clearly) and is just so so utterly convinced that as he chose to tell the truth I should be forgiving I'm with open arms, perhaps maybe just making him do the washing up for a week or so...

And if your brother starts up again, tell him to stop shouting at you. You've got enough on your plate.

Hi Sars, I remember your previous thread and have wondered how you are. You are beginning to think about plans and decisions so channel your anger. Cancel the wedding arrangments? Make new plans for the hen do? Change the locks? Ask him to take all his belongings away? When the time is right, begin the reconcilication with your DB.

And, there are lots of MNers who have begun relationships in their mid/late 30s and early 40s and who have started families at that stage. I did! It is not too late for you - when you are ready.

Sars, you sound like you're rising from the ashes, stay strong, you'll have waves of sadness and grief, that's natural but you will look back one day and you might even be grateful for this experience because you'll come out of this wiser, stronger and no one will ever be able to hurt you as much as you feel hurt now, except possibly your future children but that's an altogether different hurt.

You have everything going for you and you'll be with someone amazing one day who will value you, appreciate you and love you the way you deserve to be and you will think, thank fuck for that lucky escape.

I know I do, I had this overwhelming feeling the other day to contact the woman who caused me to break up with my significant ex and thank her because without her, I wouldn't be where I am today, an altogether happier, better place.

I googled her and literally had to stop myself emailing her.

FFB, I hope things work out for you too...

I don't feel very strong today, I nipped into Dunelm and for some unknown reason started crying like a twat, FFS, need to get a grip, he's in work today, going to take the dog out for a long walk in a bit, just hoping it might stop raining a bit

The hard thing is I still love the old him, before all this happened, the old us where everything was good and fun and we had a future, that's what I miss, but it was all bullshit, none of that was real

nkf, I can't even bare to tell my DB that's is is all over, because he'll start up throwing blame about and slagging him off and being all pleased with himself that he was right - I don't want all that right now, I just need to be left alone

Can you take some time off and go on holiday for a bit -do all the admin, cancel what you need to and then go off for a bit somewhere, a retreat of some kind? Do you have a sympathetic boss you could explain things to or even if you don't want to tell them at work, just ask if you can have a week off in a couple of weeks to give them some notice and to sort the admin in the meantime?

I'm guessing you're not going to be needing the same amount of time off at end of August so maybe it's better to go away and do something now (and if you can manage it at the end of August too when things would have been happening plus do the hen trip but make it just a girlie start of my new life trip..)

On balance would do a trip sooner rather than later, with a friend if they can manage it at short notice or on your own to say a yoga type retreat if that's your thing or something equivalent.

Do what you need to do for yourself, don't worry about your brother for the moment, at some point you'll be able to work things out with him and you don't need his vitriolics right now, you're heartbroken, understandably but I don't think he'll get that, he's still in the angry phase by the sound of it.

You sound like you're doing really well in your life in every aspect apart from your personal relationship, this is just a blip although it probably feels like a pretty massive, devastating one. Let yourself be sad, good to cry and get things out of your system, that doesn't mean you're not being strong.

Oh lovely, please look after yourself. It's okay to cry, after what you've been through it's entirely natural. Massive hugs.

I remember your first thread and I remember most people on it thought you should leave him.

Your DB needs to direct his anger at his ExW and at your "D"P although you must see why he is angry with you as well, because he has lost everything and most likely feels that you are still trying to play happy families with this man who has done so much damage.
You might still be in love with the man you thought he was but clearly he is not that man as he has shown you by carrying on with your SIL.

I hope you get rid of him once and for all and that you and your DB can re-build your relationship as out of the 3 of them it sounds the only one worth trying to save

just wanted to wish you well. Hope it doesn't hit you too hard when you 'phone the wedding planner tomorrow.

I also wanted to say that there is still every chance you could find someone to have a baby with. Obviously that's not a priority right now but there is no magic swith at the age of 35 in our bodies that changes things. Yes, fertility decreases as age increases and yes, the NHS consider you an "older mum" at 35 but that's just 'cause they had to put the cut-off somewhere! (I actually attended a lecture from a fertility scientist about this topic and he had a big old rant about 35 not being a magical cut-off, just an arbitrary number chosen for administrative purposes based on the number of "older mums" the NHS could afford screening for). I realise this is a tangent but just didn't want you feeling unduly sad about age/fertility.And, FWIW, my gran had my dad at the age of 40, back in the 40s and went on to have 2 more healthy children after him!

I would imagine there will be more moments of tears like in Dunelm Mill but you will feel stronger and better as time goes by too. I can see why you wouldn't want to deal with your brother's reaction right now either. Have you told your parents? Thinking of you!

I think cancelling the wedding would be hugely cathartic, as would packing up all of this man's possessions and putting them outside the door.

Does he have a friend he can stay with? I know that where he stays is up to him, but I think it's much easier if you know for definite he can go to someone's house.

I think you deserve a holiday. As someone above said, you won't need August off work for your wedding - are you planning to do something else at that time or go to work and have a break at another time?

I understand why you think you won't find someone else in time to have a child. I think you're wrong! You are clearly a bright and intelligent and attractive woman. You are feisty and lively and solvent. You are a bloody good catch!

No, you don't want that right now. I'm so sorry. I think once the wedding is cancelled, you'll feel better. And can he move out soon? I can't remember all the details. Do you need to sell?

Make a list. Go on. When emotions are strong, that can be the time to get practical.

Well done you - it's a good start.

I would ask the wedding planner to send a note out to all who were invited, along the lines of 'I regret to inform you that I have called off the wedding. I found the prospect of marrying someone who was cheating on me with my SIL far too unpaletable. He might think he's God's Gift to Women, but I don't.'

It is good you have found the strength to make the right decision - when are you going to tell him?

Erm...I wouldn't go down the route of the note ChippingIn has suggested. Smacks a bit of airing one's dirty laundry. Maybe she's joking!
I don't mean at all that you should have to cover up what he has done but I just think for the wider audience, all the guests at the wedding, a dignified "We regret to announce that we are calling off the wedding. We hope this will not inconvenience you too and thank you for your intention to attend"

FuckedOff - I was sort of joking and sort of not. I'd be very tempted to send it to his side of the family who he would lie to and who she wont have to see again!