whole world is falling apart

[Sarsaparilllla]

Some people might remember my previous thread, if not you can find it I think? Sorry but I can't bear to write it all out again, but basically my fiance kissed/was texting my SIL.......... I feel like I'm losing my mind

I made the (I now realise) ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance, he said he was sorry, he loved me, it was all a mistake and that we could try and make things work, and weirdly after all the arguments and tears and everything that's happened I thought there was a chance

In the meantime my DB has left his wife, moved away from the city we live in, back to my parents, has given up his job and everything, he will hardly speak to me but every now and again his wife is drip feeding him information (all of which I know, but he's struggling to take it in so every time I've tried to talk to him he won't have any of it) and every time she does he's been on to me, but I know it all, but because he isn't able to deal with listening our relationship is deteriorating so much :(

My parents are being supportive of both of us, whatever we both decide but after seeing my DB at the weekend and realising what this really has all done, I don't think I can continue, it's ruined the relationship I had with my DB, I don't know if it'll ever be the same

My brother has said he'll never speak to me again if I stay with him, and I understand why, I really do, I was just trying to clutch onto something I think, but I was wrong

I think I've been kidding myself, that if we carry on as normal it never happened and things will be ok - it's almost sometimes as if this has happened to someone else and it's not real - me & my fiance, on a day to day basis are getting on well, which is why it feels like that I think??

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to end it all, he keeps talking about the wedding plans and how we should book this and that, I can't even think about it, it makes me feel sick, my brother should've been an usher and now he won't even speak to me :(

Don't make the mistake of believing that your brother's feelings are all about the wrong that was done to him OP. You've said you were very close and more like friends. He's had the triple whammy of his wife betraying him, his BIL-to-be betraying him and his sister appearing to betray him by staying with the man who was 50% responsible for wrecking his life.

But mixed in with all that are his concerns and fears that his much-loved sister is at risk of marrying a truly horrible man who will make her life a misery.

I imagine you feel the same about the prospect of him forgiving his wife?

There is a hierarchy of betrayals and short of sleeping with your mum or your sister, this is as bad as they come. I can only assume you've been in the denial stage of shock since it happened and you're hopefully moving on to the anger stage now. Your brother's there now and moving into the bargaining phase by communicating with his highly manipulative wife. Don't waste a minute more time thinking this relationship with your partner is salvageable. It isn't and it will destroy you and your family relationships. And if your brother sees you being strong and doing the right thing, it will give him confidence to call time on his wife.

As Charbon has implied, the twunt didn't just demonstrate his lack of respect for you when he shagged had a meeting of pubes minds with your sil. He also dissed your brother, your dps, and your whole family.

And he expects you to get up in front of your family members - minus your db - and swear that you will love, comfort, honour a man who doesn't know the meaning of the word and keep him in the style to which he's become accustomed sickness and health as long as you both shall live?

Had you remained in ignorance of his deceit, he would have sworn to forsake all others with one hand behind his back, fingers crossed, while giving a to your sil and any other female guest that took his fancy.

If you go ahead and marry this charmer your family will be alternately weeping and boaking in the aisles, while the rest of the guests will be rofl while mopping up their tears of mirth.

I'll put money on the best man running a book on how long your union will last, and I sincerely hope you'll post a link to a video of your wedding breakfast as I'm agog to hear the speeches.

I do remember you're old thread. So sorry you are now is this position,please please leave him,not because of your DB but for you.

Start by cancelling the wedding - it will make it much more real for you and then it will be easier to do the rest.

The first step is always the hardest - be brave x

OP: By staying with your partner, you're effectively condoning what happened..... and sending the signal to your brother that what has happened is really nothing at all......

Why not start by making a list, I'm a list person, of all the jobs that need to be done, to cancel the wedding and get rid of him.
Do one big thing to cancel the wedding, so cancel the venue either for the wedding or the reception.
Pack up his stuff, bin bags will do and tell him to go.

So give him a list of the things he needs to do in cancelling the wedding, including telling all his relatives.

Also invite some friends around, for soon after you tell him to go, and have a "un-engaged" party, so there is no chance for him to talk you around.

You can do this!

I would also tell your parents to keep your brother away, if he can't be supportive. You don't need his crap as well as your own. Long term it will heal, but right now you need to do what is best for you.

Yes, maybe a list would help, the wedding was abroad, it's all been organised via a planner so really that's one email/phone call and she will do it, so actually it isn't a huge job of ringing lots of different places

The hen party is booked and paid for, maybe we'll still have it as a girlie non-hen party weekend, I'm pretty sure that's non-refundable

Yes, I'm not telling his relatives, he needs to, although I can't see him telling them the truth, far from it he'll feed them some shit - I'll say that he needs to tell them but if they ask me (which they will, I get on well with his sister) I will tell them the truth and he can deal with his family knowing what he's done like I've had to deal with the fall out from mine (although obviously it won't be anywhere near as bad as the situation with my family)

I'm going to check the paperwork for the wedding tonight and see what we're liable to pay, it's not until the end of August so I wonder what the cancellation charges are, the money is there to cover it but whatever's left I could spend it on something nice :)

Fuck him, I have my house, I have a great job, I have a lot of friends, I have my health, and if I can negotiate on what we're liable for on the wedding I have some money in the bank but even if I don't, I don't care

I'm feeling a lot stronger today, a lot more realistic and a lot more positive

Until you tell him to get out you won't be able to start getting over him and moving on so stop worrying about how you will deal with that , make the first step.

You can do this.

You sound positive :)

A girly non hen weekend away would just what you need.

Take care and good luck

Hey.

You are doing brilliantly.

Look, what this is is real life, isn't it? In the movies, you would have thrown him out on the street in a big dramatic scene. In real life it's not like that, this guy is the man you've shared your life with for a long time and it just doesn't look black and white to you no matter WHAT has actually happened. And your reactions are the product of that. It's taking you TIME to get your head around it, but deep down, you KNOW what the best - well the only - thing is to do.

Everyone here understands that, they really do. It isn't that everyone is going off on one in horror at your stupidity in taking him back or something - really not. All the shouting is borne out of fear for you. Fear that you might end up being one of the poor women who, for whatever reason, DO make the wrong choice... and end up married (partly his house then...) sucker-punched by the children coming along and needing to take priority... end up, eventually, looking back and seeing what a ride they've been taken on when he finally ups and leaves with a lot of your cash, leaving you to bring up his kids. Or worse, stays - and gives you a dog's life - ripping you off financially, emotionally, cheating and lying and never, ever, pulling his weight in any aspect of your relationship.

Your posts show that you know all this stuff, really.

It's just such a massive hurdle to take that first jump.

Things to do, then:

• Read some threads on here and give yourself a fright. You could practically close your eyes and click. Too many tales by FAR of women shackled by children and debt and misplaced love to utter wankers, watching life slip through their fingers. He IS one of those men, you've been SO LUCKY to have found it out now. SO LUCKY.

• Cancel the wedding stuff. Don't think too hard about it. Just make the phonecall.

• Call your bro and tell him that you're getting there and ask for his shoulder.

• Stay here.

• Remember life is very very long. Think in terms of twenty years, not two. Twenty years of NOT chasing around after a coke-head. Of not resenting a leech sitting on your back. Of not checking his phone that you paid for

Twenty, thirty, forty years of love and laughter with a faithful, lovely, energetic, honourable man that you could meet next week, if you weren't trapped on the sidelines with the leech.

You CAN do it. No problem. It's just REALLY hard, and there's no way around that.

oooh Sarsaparilllla, you sound fierce! Good! Go For It! (applauds wildly)

Life is too short to waste on someone like this user.

He will, however, try and talk you round, because you are his meal ticket. I think having your brother around straight after you tell him to pack his stuff and leave is a great idea....support from your lovely bro, plus back up, plus a very real reminder of why you are doing this.

No, I don't want my brother round, much as I understand your idea, it would turn into a screaming fighing mess, I'm staying calm and telling him straight

I think I've gone past the emotional side of it but my brother is still in that place, I don't want any more drama, although I'm not as naive as to think it'll be as easy as saying 'you need to leave, this is over' and him walking out

Also, my brother is over 2 hours away, he's not living in the same city anymore

You sem to have your head on pretty straight, when are you planning on asking him to leave? Did he actually go and come back before or did he not get out the door before worming his way back?

The reason i ask is, if he didn't leave before you will be aware of some of the things he will try so he doesn't have to leave, if you keep them in your head and the counter for why it's bullshit, it'll help.

I don't think he thinks I'm strong enough to do this, but he's wrong, I was fine before he came along and I'll be fine without him

He has to leave because it's my house and I don't want to be with him anymore, so it doesn't matter really what he says in his defence, I've heard it before, I've had time to think about it all now so it doesn't matter what he says

Yay go you, have you decided when you'll tell him?

There's two things here, and the first to deal with is your loser boyfriend - and from your latest posts you are well on the way . He's following a typical script though. Denial (it wasn't me), then anger (at you for finding out), then blame (but it's not his fault ). No apology in there though, is there?

As for your brother - as someone else said, he is blaming you, not his wife, for this. Why be angry at you? You did nothing wrong. Give him time to get past the anger and start thinking straight.

As for your brother - as someone else said, he is blaming you, not his wife, for this. Why be angry at you? You did nothing wrong. Give him time to get past the anger and start thinking straight.

I know, I think he's angry in general at the moment but he's directing his anger at anyone apart from where it should be directed - his wife!!!

No apology in there though, is there?

Actually he has apologised, to me and to my parents, but tbh it's too little too late, there shouldn't have been anything this mental to be apologising for

So when are you booting him the fuck out?

He's a pathetic worm, Sars, and your life will be much better without him in it.

Everybody reacts differently in times of crisis - that is all.

This is the way that your brother is dealing with his life collapsing. He'll get past the flailing around and will be the person you recognise once again.

You can't understand bits of it because it's not what you would do - same as he can't understand why you didn't immediately react the way he did and kick out your P.

All of this will pass.

The only important thing is that you get rid of the shitbags - your P, and your ex-SIL.

You'll get there, you are getting there. Personally I think that actually cancelling the wedding stuff, before you confront him, will help make the point that IT IS OVER. He'll know then that he's busted... it might save you a few hours of manipulation and attemtps to take control back.

I'm sure there are lots of other strategies which you (being in a position to know how best to 'deal' with him) can employ - whether it's simply waiting until he is out and packing his stuff, having a chat with someone else there, whatever. As you say, it's your house. End point is, if he refuses to move out you can get his belongings out while he's out and simply change the locks.

Gopoldark superb post! Looking at the situation and it's possible long term effects is far more effective than the fear of the short term horror of having to deal with cancelling weddings and the process of calling an end to the relationship,him moving out and having to start again. DEAL with it now and do it swift and effective only then you can move on with your life in a positive way Sars.

GoPoldark your post of 10.56 was fabulous.

Sars - so pleased to hear you sounding positive and full of resolve and self respect! You sound like a fantastic person.

Definitely go on your 'hen' weekend! Even if you end up hammered and crying one night, you will be with your closest female friends and it will be part of the healing process.