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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

whole world is falling apart

181 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:35

Some people might remember my previous thread, if not you can find it I think? Sorry but I can't bear to write it all out again, but basically my fiance kissed/was texting my SIL.......... I feel like I'm losing my mind

I made the (I now realise) ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance, he said he was sorry, he loved me, it was all a mistake and that we could try and make things work, and weirdly after all the arguments and tears and everything that's happened I thought there was a chance

In the meantime my DB has left his wife, moved away from the city we live in, back to my parents, has given up his job and everything, he will hardly speak to me but every now and again his wife is drip feeding him information (all of which I know, but he's struggling to take it in so every time I've tried to talk to him he won't have any of it) and every time she does he's been on to me, but I know it all, but because he isn't able to deal with listening our relationship is deteriorating so much :(

My parents are being supportive of both of us, whatever we both decide but after seeing my DB at the weekend and realising what this really has all done, I don't think I can continue, it's ruined the relationship I had with my DB, I don't know if it'll ever be the same

My brother has said he'll never speak to me again if I stay with him, and I understand why, I really do, I was just trying to clutch onto something I think, but I was wrong

I think I've been kidding myself, that if we carry on as normal it never happened and things will be ok - it's almost sometimes as if this has happened to someone else and it's not real - me & my fiance, on a day to day basis are getting on well, which is why it feels like that I think??

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to end it all, he keeps talking about the wedding plans and how we should book this and that, I can't even think about it, it makes me feel sick, my brother should've been an usher and now he won't even speak to me :(

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 02/05/2012 17:47

Mosman I really wouldn't generalise like that - some families who aer against a partner are close-minded/snobs/just horrible people, family is not ALWAYS a better choice. You can't choose who your relatives are, thankfully most people are lucky more or less.

cornflowers · 02/05/2012 17:48

I remember the thread. I seem to recall that you were also supporting the 'd'f financially, is that still the case?

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 17:51

Your brother will have the man who broke up his marriage as PART OF HIS FAMILY if you stay with him.

I'd never speak to you again for that alone.

oikopolis · 02/05/2012 17:53

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1415713-I-know-what-I-should-do-but-in-shock

here is your prev thread about this delightful man

Lizzabadger · 02/05/2012 17:59

You badly need to develop some boundaries and some self-respect.

I don't suppose you will, sadly.

Family gatherings are going to be fun, aren't they?

FriedSprout · 02/05/2012 18:00

Oh, and what KatieScarlett said, in spades - Can you imagine a cosy family Christmas with you brother sharing a table with the man who fucked his wife?

AnyFucker · 02/05/2012 18:08

sars, what are you thinking love ?

ditch your fiance

you should have done that in the first instance, but no matter

it's never too late to stand up for what you know is right

why are you still hanging on ? Do you feel you have to save face, make it work so it would be worth all the hurt and anguish ? That would mean cutting off your nose (and your family). And to use another dodgy metaphor, like throwing good money after bad.

not one man in this world is worth that...particularly a low-life like this one

come on, love...take hold of that self respect and get this ridiculous man out of your life

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 18:09

Thank feck the cavalry is here.

oldwomaninashoe · 02/05/2012 18:11

I Remember your thread well.

Sorry but he showed no remorse when challanged by you, and even tried to turn it around on you.
Do you not feel like you are "Any port in a storm" or "second best".

For your own self respect get rid, you will never trust him, your family relationships will never be the same, and I cant begin to imagine the gossip behind hands at your wedding.

You know what is best for you, you cannot undo this, move on without him

Good Luck

TheLastNameLeft · 02/05/2012 18:13

You CANNOT marry this guy!

Notwithstanding the fact he has cheated already, even if you were going to stay with him you need ot put the wedding plans on hold for now?...surely?

Jux · 02/05/2012 18:14

Your fiancé screwed your SIL, then was vile and horrible to you, lied to your face, but when he realized you weren't going to let it drop, admitted it.

Your brother feels betrayed that you are sticking with the shit-faced bastard who screwed his wife when he was engaged to his sister. He knows damn well you'll never be able to fully trust the man again, and nor will he.

In your place I'd dump the fiancé.

oikopolis · 02/05/2012 18:14

your life will be one continual humiliation if you marry this man.

he's already made an utter fool of you. don't now go on to make a fool of yourself by letting him do it over and over and over and over again

AnAirOfHope · 02/05/2012 18:15

Sounds like you have already chosen your bf.

Will your mum be happy at your wedding? Will she even turn up? Your bd will not be at ur wedding. He will not see your children. Eventually ur mum and dad will see less of you. You will have to call to see if your bd is there if you want to visit your mum and dad.

The worse case is you marry him and lose your family have kids he cheats again and you end up bring your kids up on your own with no family just you. Having kids is hard doing it on your own is even harder. So is putting then thru a seperation and sorry but this man does sound like he will not bother seeing the kids after he has left cos he is a cowered. How do you tell your kids that daddys not coming to see them this month or for their birthday or xmas? Its really hard.

aftereight · 02/05/2012 18:15

I am shocked that yoi are still with him. How do you justify your decision to yourself? I'm guessing that you fear any more pain, but you need to grit your teeth and rip the plaster off - in this case, kick him out and don't look back.
Your brother is acting badly, but ironically this is because he is further down the road of processing what has happened.
I can't see any other reason you would still be with this guy - he has serious form for being a manipulative, sponging, selfish arse of a man, and that was before he shagged kissed your SIL Shock
Please do yourself a favour and take heed of the advice from EVERY poster on this thread. We're all here for you.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 18:17

Maybe he's got a mahoosive dick to match his ego 'cos he sure hasn't got anything else going for him, has he?

So, Sars, what persuaded you to make the ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance?

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 18:23

Hi, i remember you. Think i posted on your thread.

I don't know how you can believe anything he says after he denied, denied and lied and lied. Who knows how far it went but i wouldn't take either of their words for it.

You need to decide what's best for you. Your brother is being unfair to you but perhaps he will calm down soon.

It must be hard to think straight with your brother going on at you. Whatever you decide though i REALLY don't think you should be booking things for your wedding.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/05/2012 18:23

What actions has super-fiance taken to repair the damage he has done to your family?

Has he been round to humbly beg your brothers forgiveness?

Has he sourced and undertaken counselling to understand WTF he was doing?

Has he gone round to see your parents to apologise and take responsibility for his disgusting behaviour?

Has he told you the whole truth, including how he gave himself permission to shag kiss, text, secretly meet his future SIL?

Has he ceased being a sponging bastard?

Has he called off the wedding as obviously it is not going to be the most wonderful day of your lives?

Has he put plans in place that convince you that this will never, ever, happen again?

Oh, hang on, he hasn't, he's just carried on with the wedding plans after all you two are getting along so well right now aren't you?

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 18:26
AnAirOfHope · 02/05/2012 18:28

Its intresting that your brother (a male) has left his wife and job and moved town and has respect for himself but you a women have no selfrespect and have been treated like shit and you have chosen to stay and continue to be treated like shit.

TheLastNameLeft · 02/05/2012 18:29
TheHappyHissy · 02/05/2012 18:30

I can't believe you are still calling him your Fiancé! OK I'd be calling him a few 'F' words myself, but when I'd stopped, I'd not be calling him again.

I don't blame your brother being upset with you TBH, you are condoning this dickhead's behaviour. You are condoning it, and it WILL happen again. No wonder your DB doesn't want to be anywhere near you.

If your Fiancé had any morals at all (realise that is a totally moot point) he'd end it WITH YOU, to save your family.

You know it was a ridiculous decision to allow that cheat within a million miles of you again, WE know it was a ridiculous decision to allow that cheat within a million miles of you again.

Hell, the Fiancé must even know it was a ridiculous decision to allow him within a million miles of you again. If you stay with him, you will never trust him, your family will never trust him and it will split you up ANYWAY, devastaing any poor kids you haplessly bring into the dynamic in a sad attempt to glue the mess together.

Be brave, do the right thing by yourself AND your brother. Have some pride in yourself, refuse to settle for a cheat.

Sylvana · 02/05/2012 18:31

I posted on your other thread. I remember saying how lucky you were not to be married to this muppet. Even luckier not to have any kids by him. You could cut all ties, run for the hills and never look back.

Like everyone else I'm Shock that you considered giving him another chance but I'm even more Shock that you thought your family, especially your DB, would be o.k. about it. This could never have worked. You are finding this out now.

I can understand completely why your DB is so angry with you. I'm sorry but you sound quite immature to me or maybe you are just very young. Either way, you still have the chance to do the right thing here. Dump this loser (for good) and start trying to mend your relationship with your brother.

eeden · 02/05/2012 18:31

You cannot possibly marry someone who cheated on you with your brother's wife. To cheat is shocking enough, but to cheat with your sister in law is filthy, worthy of Jeremy Kyle or Ryan Giggs. You need to ditch this man. He has had a hand in destroying your brother's marriage (and life it would appear) and if you make him your brother's brother in law then I think you can reasonably expect never to speak to your brother again.

MaBumble · 02/05/2012 18:38

I think that if you really are going to stay with this man to try and make it work you have to put some demands in place.
Call off the wedding intill you are in a much better place.
Ask that he speak to you brother to at least try and repair some of the damage done.
Do not have kids intill you are 110% sure
Get him to start paying his way.
I know that he will want to carry on as if everything was fine, but the fact is, it's not. He has to take responsability for that.
Saying 'ops, sorry, now let's forget all about it' will not work
If he is not willing to prove himself, really prove himself he does not love you and is just looking for a meal ticket.

aftereight · 02/05/2012 18:43

OK, I've just re-read your post, and have realised that what you are actually asking for is help and support to do the right thing (split up). I can't help with that but I hope others can.