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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

whole world is falling apart

181 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 16:35

Some people might remember my previous thread, if not you can find it I think? Sorry but I can't bear to write it all out again, but basically my fiance kissed/was texting my SIL.......... I feel like I'm losing my mind

I made the (I now realise) ridiculous decision to try and give things another go with my fiance, he said he was sorry, he loved me, it was all a mistake and that we could try and make things work, and weirdly after all the arguments and tears and everything that's happened I thought there was a chance

In the meantime my DB has left his wife, moved away from the city we live in, back to my parents, has given up his job and everything, he will hardly speak to me but every now and again his wife is drip feeding him information (all of which I know, but he's struggling to take it in so every time I've tried to talk to him he won't have any of it) and every time she does he's been on to me, but I know it all, but because he isn't able to deal with listening our relationship is deteriorating so much :(

My parents are being supportive of both of us, whatever we both decide but after seeing my DB at the weekend and realising what this really has all done, I don't think I can continue, it's ruined the relationship I had with my DB, I don't know if it'll ever be the same

My brother has said he'll never speak to me again if I stay with him, and I understand why, I really do, I was just trying to clutch onto something I think, but I was wrong

I think I've been kidding myself, that if we carry on as normal it never happened and things will be ok - it's almost sometimes as if this has happened to someone else and it's not real - me & my fiance, on a day to day basis are getting on well, which is why it feels like that I think??

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to end it all, he keeps talking about the wedding plans and how we should book this and that, I can't even think about it, it makes me feel sick, my brother should've been an usher and now he won't even speak to me :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 21:05

maybe that would be a safe place to be, it wouldn't be real, it would be easier

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 02/05/2012 21:06

Can you get away alone at all for a day or two even? It sounds as if you need some room to think and breathe.

ABatInBunkFive · 02/05/2012 21:07

Oh sweetie. Sad You will deal with it and you will end up all the happier for being away from him. What it means in the long term is you will be free to do as you please when you wnt to do it, any mess will be your own, there are a huge amount of positives you need to be looking forward to. Smile

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 21:07

Yes, maybe I could, I do feel suffocated by the whole situation

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 02/05/2012 21:07

I also think maybe head to your gp just for a chat, tell them your fears? Have you a real life friend you can confide in impartially?

ABatInBunkFive · 02/05/2012 21:08

By mess i ment dirty underwear, dishes etc, you need to be looking at the positives, no matter how small, it can be the small things that help us come to terms with the big things iykwim?

foolonthehill · 02/05/2012 21:11

Dear sars,

You are still you. You did not lie, cheat or act in any way that makes you a lesser person than you were.

You are the same kind, giving, loving person that you were before.

You deserve to be loved whole-heartedly and supported immeasurably.

that is why people here are being so harsh.

They/we want to "save you" from a future with this man and allow you to be the whole person that you are.

Sometimes it is hard to act decisively. Especially when reeling with shock.

perhaps you need to put the emotions in a box for now and go through the motions of evicting him (am I right in thinking it is your property??), it is not physically hard to get someone's stuff out...I am sure RL friends/relations will help if needed. You are not responsible for looking after him or what he does after that.

best wishes
xxfool

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 21:12

Mama, yeah I could go the GP but last time I did they gave me sleeping tablets that were great and worked but they wouldn't let me have any more after one lot and then it was horrible not having them, I guess I could go and see what they say

& yes I have RL friends to talk to :)

& yes, just my own mess sounds ace!! :)

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 02/05/2012 21:18

You need space from the bastard who did this to you.

Ask him to leave.

oikopolis · 02/05/2012 21:19

oh Sars i am so sorry you feel like this! all because of what HE'S done!

when you go to the GP, ask him/her for an antidepressant for short-term, reactive depression and anxiety.

reactive depression is what happens when life circumstances are bad enough to send you into depression - it's different to the type of depression that just comes "out of nowhere" iyswim.

antidepressants for reactive depression and anxiety might be able to just get you through the really really shitty times of the first few months. then in, say, six months you can start reassessing and maybe you'll be OK enough to start halving your dose etc.

(never just give them up cold turkey, that can be really dangerous)

you absolutely do NOT need sleeping tablets right now, they can actually make your feelings much much much worse, because they work by basically upping the "sad"/"tired" chemicals in your brain until you just switch off and sleep. and that does no good, it can make you addicted in fact. (alcohol does the same thing btw so avoid it!!!)

you poor thing, you don't deserve this.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 02/05/2012 21:19

& yes it is my house which is another :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/05/2012 21:24

tell him to leave, sars

tell him you cannot forgive him, he has killed your trust and nothing he can do will repair it

you are no longer prepared to support him, and you want him out

you can do it

thebighouse · 02/05/2012 21:30

He took a week to admit anything, during that week he was utterly horrible to me, blamed me for checking him phone etc/denied everything - it's the lies that I'm struggling with, he lied to my face and if I'd let it drop he wouldn't have admitted anything

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry but this man is a total controlling, angry, abusive bastard.

Just leave.

Here is something I have never admitted here: my husband kissed my best friend on our wedding day. He was FURIOUS when I confronted him; he lied for a week until I had evidence.

I took him back but in my heart, I could never forgive him. It was like he'd dumped an inkwell in a swimming pool - how do you get it out again? I had an emotional affair four years later and left him. It's a mess and now he is punishing me.

There are nice men out there, GOOD MEN, who will respect you and love you and treat you with kindness. They will not be angry and they will not cheat. Cut loose now.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 21:41

I never said I was staying or marrying him

You haven't said you're not marrying him: you're still living with him and are, doubtless, continuing to have sex with him, you're still referring to him as your fiance, he's talking about various wedding plans for the wedding, and you are both getting on well.

It seems to me that unless you wake up pdq and realise that he's the nightmare, you are going to sleep talk walk yourself into a marriage that is being tailor made by demons in hell especially for you.

The reason why you're not thinking straight is because you've taken the easy option of letting him stay under your roof and pretending nothing's happened.

Once you've got shot of him, your head will clear and you'll see that you should have dispensed with his services as soon as you realised he and your sil had a quickie got up to tricks in your living room after you and your db had taken yourself off to your respective beds.

Only you can determine the time and date you'll kick him out of your home, but maybe it'll be good therapy for both of you if your db is on on hand to help you remove and erase every last vestige of this twunt from your home.

tallwivglasses · 02/05/2012 21:44

I shed a tear reading your last couple of posts...so for me, please - picture for a minute - just you, your house, your mess. You re-build your relationship with your lovely brother. The rest of the family and your friends breathe a huge sigh of relief that you've ditched the lying, druggy, cocklodger and are giving you loads of support. You find the old sars - not the suspicious, anxious, frightened sars but the strong woman you used to be.

One day you meet someone - they may not be 'the one' but you can go about things on your terms, have some fun, know you have self-respect. Then one day you meet someone who might actuallybe the one Smile

You might tell him your story and watch his jaw hit the floor because he'd never do something as shitty as that.

You won't know unless you try.

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 22:02

I'm still facing up to what all of it means in the long term and how to start again

What it means in the short term is that you'll be able to look yourself and your db in the eye again.

What it means in the long term is that you won't be taken for a ride by a drug taking philandering cocklodger who'll saddle you with debt, dc, and maybe a few stis along the way, before riding off into the sunset without a backward glance with the next floozie ow.

As for starting again; your life will continue as it did before he came into it but you'll be wiser and, hopefully, you'll meet a man who's worthy of your love and respect or you'll spot the red flags and run for the hills before the water gets up to your neck.

Accept that you made a colossal error of judgement in falling for the dubious charms of a twunt, resolve to do better next time, and move on.

Weren't you planning to marry abroad? You don't have to follow the stereotype of a woman bereft without the man she lurrrves. If any of the travel/reception plans can't be cancelled without significant financial loss turn it into a holiday to celebrate the fact that you've had a narrow escape.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 22:08

Sometimes it takes a while for it all to sink in. When my ex beat me up i knew that there was no way i could stay with him after that, but it still took me a couple of months to go.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've been with him for quite a long time and it can be hard to make the break.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 22:10

Bighouse. That's awful!

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 02/05/2012 22:13

Sars, I can't imagine how you feel right now. Be kind to yourself x

Xales · 02/05/2012 22:19

You are referring to him as your fiance, about him talking about making wedding plans/booking things and that your brother was meant to be an usher.

Did you have any time alone to yourself to get your head straight or has this man not given you any space to realise how messed up this actually is?

That is why I assumed that you were still planning to marry.

maras2 · 02/05/2012 22:26

Me too Sars.Sweetie you are so much better than they are,and your brother's acting like a child.Be strong,get rid,they did more than just snog you know.

Jux · 02/05/2012 22:28

Your brother is desperate to hear you say you're going to dump the Instrument of Doom. Can you enlist his help?

Is your ex likely to be difficult? Maybe your brother can be with you when you tell cockface to go?

TheHappyHissy · 02/05/2012 22:35

My love, I get the non sleeping thing. I get like that when I am conflicted, when I am not being true to myself.

You DO know what you need to do, you are just scared to do it.

IF you end it with this man, you get the chance to look at everything that happened in a cool and dispassionate place, in your own home, in your own time.

HE could (technically) learn from this and work on himself, and on winning back your trust.

I don't think you should go back on this, and I do think you need to leave him behind, but no decision is final, unless YOU say so.

YOU have the power in all this. YOU DO.

Listen to your instincts, and take some time out for yourself. Get some distance and some perspective.

This man is NOT your Fiancé, Fiancé's don't do that to their Fiancées.

TheFarSide · 02/05/2012 22:51

Even if you've already decided to leave, I think it takes time to fully accept something is over because you're not just losing the person but also your past happy times and your future together. Plus it's a shock to find out that the person you love is not the person you thought they were. You're also dealing with other people's strong emotions ie your brother's. All in all, this is a hell of a lot to cope with. You've been dealt a real body blow and it sounds like you need some time to grieve and process what happened. It's a good idea of Mama1980's to have some time away.

likeatonneofbricks · 02/05/2012 23:26

It's impossible not to feel like in a 'separate universe' and 'losing the plot' if HE IS AROUND. This is stopping you to move on and face the reality and your feelings. Once you have your space to yourself you will get a more 'sane' feeling especially with the support of rl friends AND family/DB.