how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

they dont want to turn him away as he has nowhere else to go, they feel that if he goes into a bedsit or something, then its much more final than being there for a couple of months... they think they are helping by giving him a temporary place to stay rather than pushing him into something more permanent - 6 month lease on flat etc... they are pushing him all the time to sort it out and come home.

I am his best friend, we just got lost for a while and thats what we are trying to sort out. Really sorry that I dont want to jump on your Divorce the Bastard Bandwagon !!

The reason why we won't drop OW is because its the bloody elephant in the room!

So sorry you can't seem to see this but then both OW and your H has done a great number on you...

Sapphire - no one is obsessed with the OW. You're not "annoying" us! You have asked how to "move on" & you don't like the consensus which is - unless you totally accept his behaviour in every way & become totally compliant - he will leave again at the drop of a hat. I really hope things work out but I think you should stop asking for advice because no one is telling you what you want to hear. I hope your DDs behaviour improves too when things are happier & more secure at home for her

who told you how this couple feel, skye ?

have you only your H's word for that ?

I don't see anyone advocating divorce on this thread?

We are trying to make you understand what is needed for a successful reconciliation - at the moment its not looking good I am sorry as the real issues are not being addressed.

Genuine question for you - Can you actually see yourself being able to ignore those text messages....and if so for how long?? How long before you start to question the whys and whats?? How long before the resentment builds up and life gets hard again for your "D"H.
I'm all for saving relationships, I'm there myself but you really are kidding yourself if you think you are going to be able to ignore this elephant.

skye, we are not saying you should immediately divorce the bastard your H

we are trying to make you understand that you are not helping yourself, you are not helping him and you are not helping your dd

not one person has said you are anywhere near making sensible decisions here....does that count for nothing with you ?

why should we care if your husband puts a welcome mat on your head and wipes his feet all over it ?

it's nothing to us

"they dont want to turn him away as he has nowhere else to go" REally??

As i have said before, i hate all the "leave the bastard" talk on here, but you are just backing yourself further and furhter into a corner.

I know it must be really difficult to hear but they are not helping, these "friends" they are facilitating him leaving you. They are not having him there because the alternative is a bedsit, he is too weak for that - he would coming running back to you with his tail between his legs, until next time

OP, I'm really trying to stay with you on this and see where you're coming from

Everything we know about your H comes from what you've told us. No-one has actually met him and taken an instant dislike to him because he's too short / fat / ugly / has a stammer. I'd guess that most people on this thread would have a negative view of him and tha can only be because of what you've said!

The issue isn't about him having an affair!

To me there are 2 issues really:

1. That HE should be the one doing ALL the running here. Doing everything in his power to win you back! That's evidently not happening!
2. Texting ANYONE other than a new legitimate romance over a 1000 times a month is NOT NORMAL and that is something that you just can't ignore.

Many of us on here don't want to see your marriage break up needlessly. We want to see you in a healthy respectful relationship where you are treated with the respect and honour you deserve. Where you feel confident to be yourself, your worst at times, knowing you are absolutely loved and cherished.

Many posters have suggested that maybe you running after H isn't the way to cultivate that respect.

I really believe the majority really do want what's best for you. It's just very frustrating to see it from the outside! We want you to take control so that you might eventually have that respectful relationship you deserve, but you seem unable to even comprehend what that might mean.

You are not his best friend.

He's supposedly got one of those and he's taken to texting the man's wife obsessively.

If your husband was still in situ doing this and claiming there was nothing wrong with it and was also telling you that he wasn't in love with you anymore, then posters might well suggest you leave him.

But he did all that and then left you to live with the OW, so even that isn't an option.

All anyone has been trying to advise you is to stop being such a trusting doormat to a very cruel manipulative man and to put you and your daughter first.

But you think you know best despite not one poster agreeing with you.

Just answer one question will you though?

If there is nothing untoward in this friendship with his friend's wife and latching on to attached women is just something he does, why haven't you been open with her husband about the extent of communication? If there's nothing wrong with this behaviour, why can't he know about it?

A long time ago aged 21 I received a letter from an ex-boyfriend I'd been with for five years and been devastated to break up with, a month or so after the break-up. I had asked him to write to explain some things: he wasn't communicative in general so I hoped it'd bring out some deep love or something!

Two of my close female friends read and "decoded" the letter. I'd interpreted everything in it in his favour and with hope: they (gently but firmly) highlighted how things actually were. They said he was selfish, blaming me, didn't love me and had another woman in mind (the letter included a cliched reference to OW being the only one who understood his pain and sadness about me).

Hope you have some honest, loving friends to read your DH's letter with you.

Look, if you want him back, you want him back. But at least acknowledge just how many excuses you're making for his appallingly self-absorbed behaviour.

Wow! Cant believe this thread is still going. You seem very certain of how things are and what you want so perhaps you don't need any more advice. I wish you well and hope we don't see a post entitled" I just received this letter from my DH.. so confused.. please help" etc.

I have promised not to pressure him*

Cross-stitch that motif on 3 cushion covers and stuff them give them to the elephants to rest their bums on.

As for your bum, tell him to shape up or stay shipped out.

If you keep on overegging the cake, you'll simply be adding to the number of eggshells your h requires you to walk on in order to have the dubious pleasure of his company.

If you do need support when you get the letter, we are all here - it has been very difficult not to judge this man based by what you have told us about his actions. Thats the thing, you have told us what he has DONE to you and your DD, people will judge that as cruel and selfish. I can't help but wonder how he has been with you over the years to erode your self esteem to such a level that you think this is OK?

I would love for this work out, but for me i would simply have to insist that he broke all contact with the OW "friend" and if that means he has to drop his BF as well then tough. I also agree with posters that say that her DH deserves be be made aware of the level of "closeness" that existed between them. Otherwise they are making a fool of him too.

No one here is judging you, i think everyone is frustrated and trying to open your eyes. I understand why you feel that you have to fight to the last. There is a big part of me that wants this to work out for you, but there is another part of me that just wishes this bastard would put you out of your misery and tell you that is over instead of stringing you along in such a heartless, weak and pathetic way.

Have you told him that you are aware he always does a runner to a mates wife when the going gets tough? Personally i think that at the very least, if you are to agree to take him back he has to agree to attend counselling to deal with his need to do that. Otherwise you will be scared to live a normal life (with normal stresses) and will be treading on egg shells. He clearly has issues but i haven't really seen you mention that as such. Instead you are taking the blame. He has to take responsibility for how he deals with tricky times in relationships.

Are you going to make that a condition?

Yes, if he comes back, then we sit down and he agrees to tell me how he feels, we went through all this when he came back in Feb, but unfortunately he didnt give it long enough (6 weeks) so we didnt get a chance to talk about stuff, as he seemed very happy during that time! so a bloody good actor if he was unhappy again :-(

I have asked my husband to be honest with me, does he definitely want to go out with me, to see if we can salvage anything and he says yes. I said do not string me along and he snapped back, I said right from the start I wouldnt string you along...

It was the friends wife who told me that they dont want to kick him out as they feel he would then go to a bedsit or something rather than come home, which would mean a 6 month lease and a lot more cost to him, and as he is still so confused they feel that by him staying there, he is not rushing into anything too final. She says that he seems very happy after our date and a lot more positive about everything in general.

The level of texting between them as dropped, although there is some still which I would expect, but certainly nowhere near the level that it was before. I have discussed it with my husband, advised him that it was inappropriate, that while he was texting her so much he was not thinking about our problems, but about hers. I told him that I think he formed some sort of attachment to her, as an escape from his own unhappy life. He does accept this to a point, but does maintain that he didnt realise that he was texting her so much and that she usually texted him first so say Im having a shit day or something and then he would text back. I said that if was texting her about how unhappy he was it was very unfair to me as he should have been telling me how he felt. He accepts that he was in the wrong there.

We are going out again on Saturday. Once I have read his letter, I can address his insecurities and issues and we can get them out in the open and sort them out. At the moment, I dont completely know what I am dealing with.

But I am a lot stonger now after 4 weeks apart and as much as I want him back, it needs to be right for all of us, he cant come back otherwise.

I hope it works out for you i really do, but i just can't see how you can progress while he is living with the OW. SHE is the reason he left, he will never be able to think straiht until he is away from her. I cannot believe you are letting her manipulate you.

"he can't come back otherwise" Hooray!!

Have you ever seen any of these texts?

The thing is that you are having to take their word for it.

Also why doesn't the husband know about the level of texting? Think someone has already asked this but you haven't responded.

Him saying he wouldn't string you along isn't exactly a guarantee, what exactly is he doing to help things, other than this letter that is? It's all so sad.

I have a sneaky feeling that if you try to address any of it he's going to say you are pushing him/going over old ground, nothing has changed, i hope this letter is the magic wand you are hoping for but a relationship never works if there is only one person invested in it.

The fact that he is already snapping about you questioning him is fucking ridiculous, he's the one in the wrong here regardless of your 'faults'

I have seen some texts and emails and whilst whats there is at worst inappropriate, a slightly flirty comment possibly, there is nothing at all about meeting up, being together, etc. The stuff that I have seen is all about supporting her through a bad day. There is nothing at all that indicates that there is something going on. I asked if her husband knew about the texting and my H said yes, when I said was he sure that he knew about the number of texts, my H said well probably not, but then he hadnt realised himself how many texts there were. She apologised for her actions, said she didnt think of the consequences when she was texting my H so many times. she said that she was just having a really bad time and that my H had become a good friend to her. She said that if her H had done that to another woman, then she would have ripped his bollocks off........

She is not the reason that he left, he left because he was unhappy about a lot of things and had been unhappy for a long time. looking back, way before any of the texting started, he was saying things like he felt he couldnt ever do anything right and he didnt know how much more he could take. I remember him saying these things, but I didnt take much notice at the time, although I do remember once thinking, shit, Im going to drive him away if Im not careful....

I am not trying to take the blame for everything, far from it, however I do have to accept the part that I played in him walking away. We can only fix it if we both accept our issues and deal with them!

We can only fix it if we both accept our issues and deal with them!

That is exactly the point!

I don't think he will ever do that!

Have you 2 ever been really honest with each other? Like really honest?

I think probably not!

This thread is actually depressing me, I get a heavy feeling in my chest every time I read your posts, like watching awful suffering on the news, or in real life.

You just can't see it can you?

She is not the reason that he left, he left because he was unhappy about a lot of things and had been unhappy for a long time.

That's not what you said on your original thread, which I saw but was too busy to post on. According to you on that thread that has now been apparently deleted, everything was fine until he gave the OW a lift to university and started texting her obsessively, building up incrementally over a period of months to over a thousand in one month.

Neither your husband nor the woman wants her husband to know how many texts were being sent and if you truly believed that this behaviour was acceptable and normal, you'd tell him.

You're re-writing history because you'd rather believe that you made your husband unhappy and can fix this by being a stepford wife than the reality that he's unfaithful and there's not a damned thing you could have done to prevent it, either then, now or in the future. That's your choice but the only person in this mess who doesn't have a choice is your daughter - and you are failing her.

'He is still so confused?'. How old is he, 12?

OP I am not going to waste my time telling you more things you don't want to hear, save to say I agree with all of the excellent advice you've had over each of your 2 threads. Why would you lower yourself to chase after this utter loser?

I am very sorry you are in this position and I hope the situation resolves itself satisfactorily soon.