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Original poster

how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

282 replies

skyebluesapphire · 02/05/2012 13:39

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

OP posts:
Charbon · 08/05/2012 20:21

I wish you could read those text messages between them to shock you out of your denial. It would be painful, but it might cause you to wake up to the terrible manipulation you've been subjected to. It's so telling that you still daren't tell her husband about the volume of contact between his wife and her husband. He wouldn't be as naive as you, of that I'm sure and you know it, hence you won't tell him. I wonder whether you asked his brother how he would have reacted if your husband had been sending 1000s texts a month to his wife when he had his little crush on her?

I think he had a full affair with his friend's wife but she got cold feet and thought it was too much hassle. So he's started to think maybe if you both pretend nothing's happened, he can move back in.

But he'll never respect you and will do this to you again and again.

The person I feel most sorry for is your daughter. Her acting out is surely a response to having such weak, self-absorbed parents.

MadAboutHotChoc · 08/05/2012 20:21

(I am not saying he definitely had an affair but he did have some kind of attachment with this woman and hopefully it was one sided. This needs to be explored should you decide to take him back.)

Charbon · 08/05/2012 20:22

His wife and your husband

lucyellensmumnamechange · 08/05/2012 20:26

yeah, really kind, sensitive and considerate! Hes a fucking shit father, he walked away from his DD to sniff the skirt of a OW

Roxylox · 08/05/2012 20:26

skye
I understand that you are trying to create a set of circumstances in which he feels he can approach you and feel safe...

What others are responding to is that he should be working his arse off to provide a set of circumstances in which you feel safe enough to risk the prospect of trying again and therefore, by definition, risking the chance of him rejecting you again... because whatever his reasons, that's what he did.

Roxylox · 08/05/2012 20:40

Just read that back and really didn't want to be harsh, but I do not have AF's balls of steel insight, but I am just so wishing that your DH could embrace the family he has, and stand shoulder to shoulder with you, to really have your back, and the difference you would feel if that were the case...

I am sure that your daughter would feel that too...

nkf · 08/05/2012 20:47

I hope it works out for you. I really do. Good luck.

Original poster
skyebluesapphire · 08/05/2012 20:49

well Im not prepared to walk away from what has been 9 and 3/4 good years out of 10...... he did, but is already wavering after 4 weeks. If he came running back tomorrow, yes I would be pleased, but I would not want him to move back in unless he was sure, that is me taking control of the situation. I will read his letter, see what he has to say and then take it from there. The letter is supposed to be about his feelings on everything and why it got to the point that it did, its not about blaming me for everything, or if it is, then at least I get a chance to explain misunderstandings etc, which is a lot of what happened last time and I thought we covered it all but maybe not..... a huge misunderstanding was me shrugging him off in bed. I was just tired but didnt say and just pushed him away, he took that as total rejection (night after night when I was so busy with my work). . If I had only said at the time, Im sorry, its 1am and Im knackered, it would have been a whole lot better.........

all the little things added up until he felt that I really couldnt care less if he was here or not, so he left..... (the first time, after he came back things were ok mostly)...

even if we never reconcile, at least any misunderstandings can be cleared up from this letter.

OP posts:
lucyellensmumnamechange · 08/05/2012 20:59

bangs head against wall Shock

AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 21:01

< hands LEM a crash helmet >

Charbon · 08/05/2012 21:02

No they won't.

You cannot expect to go through life communicating by letters that appear to take him weeks to write.

There's a reason he's wavering - and it's not you. It's that the other option that he left for has been taken away.

One day you'll realise that people never value something they think they'll never lose. He has never had any reason to think he lost you and your actions have taught him twice now that he can walk out and you won't give up on him.

Everything you've posted about him makes him sound like an extremely self-absorbed, selfish individual. He is unemployable because he resents authority, he's lost a big contract as a self-employed freelancer, he bolts whenever life gets difficult, he chooses women to confide in because he thinks they are more easily manipulated than a male friend who would tell him he's up his own arse. He invades his brother's and his friend's relationships and takes their spouses away from investing in their own relationships.

I don't know how you can possibly think that this man is good father material.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 08/05/2012 21:02
Confused
midwife99 · 08/05/2012 21:04

ConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 21:07

I agree with Roxy.

PooPooInMyToes · 08/05/2012 21:10

If he came running back tomorrow, yes I would be pleased, but I would not want him to move back in unless he was sure, that is me taking control of the situation.

No its not, that's you letting him come and go as he pleases. Perhaps he'll be back again once he's finished punishing you. He's never really lost you though as you are always there waiting with open arms, so he's learnt nothing from it. Nothing about what it would be like to lose you or about respecting you anyway.

Original poster
skyebluesapphire · 08/05/2012 21:19

I would like to point out that he lost his daily contract because the company got took over and changed the way the business was run and stopped using drivers for certain things, it was no fault of his own...

and there is nothing going on with OW, so please stop posting about that all of you. It is not an issue. I am not burying my head in the sand, I am totally certain that it has not happened.

He is writing the letter tonight, he just texted me.. My own letter took at least a fortnight to write as I kept reading it and changing it, so do you not think I should allow him the same privelige?

I do value myself and if he comes back, things will be different or there is no point.

OP posts:
Charbon · 08/05/2012 21:26

You are the only person on this thread who thinks that texting another woman 1000s of times in a month and then going to live with her means that 'nothing is going on' so if you keep posting for advice, other posters are not going to stop mentioning the biggest elephant of them all.

The whole point we are making about the letters you are exchanging is that this isn't real-life. If it takes you both two weeks apiece to communicate your feelings to eachother and you can only do it in the written word either by text or by letter writing, your marriage is not going to survive and your poor little girl is going to be short-changed of parents who like most grown-ups have learnt to verbalise their feelings.

ABatInBunkFive · 08/05/2012 21:29

'If I had only said at the time, Im sorry, its 1am and Im knackered' Most people would get that or at the very least if they didn't they would ask

You are treating him like i'd treat my children if they were uspet about something. This is not all for you to fix, what has he initiated by himself to help your reconciliation? ( Trying to get into your pants doesn't count.)

This smacks of you pursuading him to come back by any means despite what you say. How are things going to be different if he deigns to return? What are you going to do to make sure the same thing doesn't happen every time he throws his toys out of the pram?

midwife99 · 08/05/2012 21:31

I couldn't forgive my DH for texting another woman 1200 times in one month & then leaving me & DCs to live with her even if there was no affair. It is still betrayal to divulge such a huge amount of private information about your marriage to another woman & to take her advice.

midwife99 · 08/05/2012 21:36

Can I just ask why you have started two different threads asking for advice? You seem very certain about what you want to do anyway.

Original poster
skyebluesapphire · 08/05/2012 21:38

well, all her advice has been to try and work it out, to talk to me, to get off his arse and sort himself out. she is really annoyed that he has walked out on us and has told him this.

I will stop posting as I am obviously annoying you all because I dont jump to what you say.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyebluesapphire · 08/05/2012 21:40

the first thread was about the problem, the second thread was about how to move on, but people have just merged the two and thats not what i wanted. I deleted the first thread as I wanted to change my name as I was afraid I could be traced by the other name. thats the only reason it was deleted. this was supposed to be a separate thread for help on how to move on, but sadly everybody is obsessed with OW and just wont drop it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2012 21:43

you may not wish to "jump to what we say" Hmm but your stubborn-ness and single-mindedness is not currently working in your favour, in any way at all, and will probably be your undoing

have you actually taken anything on board ?

lucyellensmumnamechange · 08/05/2012 21:43

Can you cope with not being his best friend? SHE is his best friend, surely you must be able to see that? It doesn't matter that he hasn't fucked her.

IF this was genuine frienship on her part, she and her DH would be saying enough is enough, go back to your wife - but they're not are they.

They are making a fool of you - all three of them.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 08/05/2012 21:45

I am usually quite vociferous in defending partners on here, i think people are too quick to call affair, there are a lot of people who have been hurt and are biased against men. But I just want to shake you and punch your DH in the face. As for the OW Angry