how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

[skyebluesapphire]

I dont see how I can be totally blameless? It takes two and all that. I didnt tell him exactly how I was feeling either, I just expected him to see how stressed out I was. He would come home some nights and I would barely speak to him, thats how bad it was. Why would anybody want to come home to someone who cant even be bothered to say hello, how was your day?

If I were to sit here and say I am perfect, none of this was my fault, then I think that would make me sound pretty awful...

The texts turned into a mutual support thing, originally he texted her to make sure she was ok after she broke down over the baby, then at some point as the texts escalated, he was telling her about his problems too, but it all started with him supporting her. I knew that he was texting her as he was concerned about her, but of course had no idea of the level of texts as they built up. We discussed it again tonight actually and I told him it was wrong and a kind of escapism. I am not trying to change history, I have moved on from the texts because there is nothing going on there. They are still texting now because if he doesnt get a job come in then he can let the dog out and she doesnt need to come home lunchtime, or he will text her to let her know if he will be home for tea as she puts food back for him.

He is writing the letter, it is not about blaming me, it is about how and why he feels the way he does. He has also told his friends that he is thinking about coming back, whereas 4 weeks ago, he was ademant that he wouldnt. The grass isnt greener, and they think that he is starting to see what life will really be like without us.

It is for the sake of my daughter that he will only be coming back if he is certain. 4 weeks ago I would have had him back no matter what, but I can see now that he can only come back as long as this is not going to happen again in a few weeks. It is heartbreaking for her, today she gave him a picture to make him happy so he will come home again. But how can I stop that? If I stop him from seeing her here, then he probably wont be able to see her in the week. We live 25 miles from the nearest big town, the local small town only has pubs open past 5.30pm. He would have just about enough time to take her to McDonalds then home again. At least if he comes in here he can take her out on her bike and play in the garden with her. I am trying to do what I think is best for her during this period. If he comes back it wont seem so alien if he has been having tea a couple of times a week and putting her to bed.

[cenicienta]

OP you do come across as a little bit defensive. As I've said before you were the one who gave us all the info in the first place, but as the thread goes on you have become a staunch defender of your h.

That's not a bad thing. Just that you started posting because you wanted help and support, and even advice. But you've taken a "back off I'm the only one who can possibly know what to do" stance and maybe that is what is winding people up.

There has been some great advice on here but I don't see that at any time you've even considered taking it.

On other threads where the OP genuinely is looking for help and advice, there seems to be a lot more openness to accept the good advice and reject the bad, instead of the OP trying to prove that everyone else is wrong.

You even started another thread. But even if you hadn't mentioned some of the background we would have all known it was you from the way you are so defensive.

I think most people do genuinely want to help you reach a solution that is best for all involved. If that is reconciliation then great, but under the right circumstances.

Even if every now and then you said "thank you poster for that advice / experience. I really appreciate you sharing that. That must have been awful. What did you do in the end..." or something like that.

[Charbon]

Did you keep a copy of your old thread, because I'm fairly certain that according to you on that you said that as far as you were concerned, everything was fine with your marriage until he dropped a complete bombshell that he wasn't sure of his feelings for you and was leaving - and that this happened the month after he had first spent some time alone with his best friend's wife. His reasons were apparently that the house was untidy and you made sarky remarks. He then relented and came back for 6 weeks, the texts to the friend's wife escalated to enormous quantities and he left again 4 weeks ago to live with her. I think I also recall that the woman concerned left her previous husband because she was having an affair with her current one, so this woman has got antecedents for deception.

My take on their text contacts during the day are more like: Him - "I've got no jobs today so we've got the house to ourselves" and her: "I'll leave work early then".

If you have saved your old thread, you really ought to read it because you are writing a very different version of events about your marriage on this one.

I can guess why you're doing that - you feel the need to control this and so you've decided that you were responsible for him leaving. Since you can control your own behaviour and not his, you possibly think that if you re-write your memories you can find cause and effect. So if you are more accommodating in the future and give him enough attention, you can stop this happening again. But you can't, because I'm as certain as I can be having seen your posts on the previous thread that your behaviour and your relationship isn't the problem here. The problem is that he fell in love with someone else and you as an individual cannot control that. You can try to turn into superwife but it wouldn't make a difference.

What you're not factoring in it seems is that you did all that in the 6 weeks he was back and it made no difference. That's because his heart was elsewhere and nothing you could have done would have stopped that. You're also not thinking logically about why men suddenly and without warning leave relationships when there are children involved. There was no warning, no attempts at counselling, no dialogue at all in fact. He just dropped the bombshell and went.

I think on your previous thread all the early posters straight away called "OW" and then you belatedly revealed that he'd been texting his friend's wife since the beginning of this year. Posters didn't even need that salient bit of information before they came to that conclusion.

No-one is perfect and faultless in a marriage OP, but neither was your husband. You know yourself that if there are difficulties, you try to resolve them especially if there are children at stake. It's what you are doing now isn't it? What most people don't do is to reveal for the first time that they are unhappy, leave the same night and refuse to discuss the issues.

Unless.....there is someone else to go to.

[cornflowers]

charbon, that really is a very insightful post. I actually think it goes some way to explaining the sort of cognitive dissonance that many people (myself included) appear to have experienced when reading the op's posts.

[CervixWithASmile]

And to add to al of the above, the first time he seriously shows any interest in repairing things is when OW happens to be away for the weekend.

[QueenieLovesEels]

Totally summed up my take on this Charbon.

OP is in denial.

[ItsMeYouSee]

Theres a script cheaters follow which is rewrite the history of their marriage to somewhat justify their behaviour, as in "I turned to so and so because I couldn't turn to you". I think you are so absolutely terrified of loosing your H that you are doing this for him.

All of us that have been cheated on understand the horror and overwhelming pain that goes with the discovery of an affair. But to sucessfully move on from that you have to go through it, otherwise it will raise its ugly head over and over again. When he does something to annoy you, when he's running late, when hes texting on his phone your resentment will build. He won't understand this because you havent dealt with it...you've tried to bury it. You have to examine all behaviours that led to this sorry outcome. You are just examining yours and making excuse after excuse for his. This is not a decent man, despite you desperately trying to tell us that he is. This is a man that walked out on his wife and small child with no by your leave.
This is a man who left you and your daughter with no explanation other than "I don't love you anymore" - what a horrid thing to spring on the partner of your child, even if its true, decent men would talk, talk and talk somemore. Trying to explain, the reasons behind his decision and find a soloution that works for all - with the least disruption for your child. He didn't he just upped and left, to move in the OW who he'd been texting extensively.
You say you have moved on from the texting, that its nothing...1200 texts in 1 month is not nothing...it's (averages) 40 a day for 30 days and whilst he was doing this nothing he checked out of your marriage...supposedly helping her through a rough time in her life...good for him!..but who was helping you??? Why wasn't he talking to you about the state of your marriage..why was/is he investing so much of himself into someones elses problems when you had problems of your own??
You need to get angry OP. You are trying to bury it or worse still blame yourself for it all.

What is he doing whilst you are in turmoil???
Leaving you hanging for a some pointless letter that you desperately want to contain a miracle.

....and as for texting her to tell her if he'll be in for tea ...give me strength..better still..give you strength!

How can you stand it???

[oikopolis]

Charbon i certainly remember that thread in the same way you do.

OP you don't even have to admit anything here, keep it to yourself and continue to defend him here if you must, but PLEASE just start quietly preparing for the worst. don't pin your hopes on him.

maybe we've ALL got the wrong end of the stick, it's unlikely but not beyond the bounds of possibility, but even so it's better to lower your expectations and be hurt less.

[midwife99]

Gosh this situation is so exhausting. I don't know how you cope with it all OP!! Do you have any friends in RL (other than OW & her husband) who can truly support you in an unbiased way?

[skyebluesapphire]

sod the elephant, it looks like its really over....... Im going to start a new thread, called that............ Had the letter from him earlier and he says its over... bastard.... no more comments on here please..............

[izzyizin]

Although you've said no more comments, I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you've been taken for a ride by a man you've tried so valiantly to understand and make allowances for, and have defended in the face of fierce criticism.

Posting again isn't advisable as there are benefits to be had from continuity, not least the fact that you'll be able to chart your own progress on one thread.

[skyebluesapphire]

ok, I just started another one, as I didnt want to keep seeing the title about reconciliation, but feel free to keep posting on here. There is a detailed explanation on the other thread which I will copy to here.

[skyebluesapphire]

So, after our great date on Saturday and lovely day on Sunday, tonight he emails me his letter which basically details how unhappy he was, how long he had been unhappy, all the things that made him unhappy.

He says that I was so stressed out it was impossible to talk to me and I took it out on him and my daughter. He says that when he was ill I didnt care (I was ill myself at the same time). He felt that he was doing most of the housework and I didnt appreciate it. I spent too much time on facebook and tv (he was on the computer every night). I was too controlling because I organised our entire lives and we were always busy.

Now that he is on his own he is happy making his own decisions, does not feel pressured, he likes living in town with everything in easy reach. I never supported him in his work.

He enjoyed the date last week, but still feels no desire to come back at present. He said that since the date I put too much pressure on him and have got my hopes right up again and he accepts the blame for that for giving me mixed signals and false hope..

I telephoned him after getting the email and I asked him where this left us, is he saying its over or what, as we were supposed to be going out on Saturday. He said maybe leave it a couple of weeks, so I pushed him and said but do you want to do this, honestly, do you think it will make a difference and he said no.

So I guess that is the end of my marriage then. I said if thats what you are saying then divorce is the only route now and he said I dont want to get divorced, its only a bit of paper. I said no it isnt, its the closure I need to be able to move on and hopefully find somebody else in the future.... I said did he want to start it or me and he said its up to you. So looks like I'll be taking control of that one then..... I told him that we need a more formal footing for access now, he wont be able to come in the house any more and put her to bed etc.

I wrote him a long email back, addressing all the points in his letter and also laying blame on him, which I didnt do in my first letter.

I am so gutted that my marriage is over, but he is being very selfish and cowardly.

[cenicienta]

Oh, I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

You sound so much stronger. Well done on making things clear, particularly about formal access and him not coming into the house anymore.

Sounds like he would have been happy to string you along for a lot longer. Well done for making a stand and for not taking the blame. If every husband walked out because his wife spent too much time on facebook / mumsnet, there'd probably be very few marriages left in the world!

Will take a look at the new thread

[izzyizin]

He's being selfish and cowardly because that's what he is, honey. That's what he's always been and it's probable that's how he'll always be.

I know you've resisted any notion that the ow may be considerably more to him than a kindly soul who's being doing her level best to mediate, but the fact that he only agreed to spend time with you when she was away with her h suggested otherwise.

In addition, the fact that he's changed his tune considerably from the man who was making advances towards you over the weekend suggests that he is in thrall to her and dancing to her tune.

He's a lowdown, lying, twunt and, now that you've spilled your guts yet again responded to his email, I hope that you will go absolutely no contact with him other than brief and businesslike conversations/texts to arrange his contact with your dd which must take place outside of your home.

[izzyizin]

He has also told his friends that he is thinking about coming back, whereas 4 weeks ago, he was ademant that he wouldnt. The grass isnt greener, and they think that he is starting to see what life will really be like without us

Did you get that information from the ow? Now that he's made it clear he's not coming back, are they going to kick his arse into a bedsit or are they going to carry on with this unhealthy unholy menage a trois indefinitely?

[sadanduseless]

The post by It's Me You See made me cry! Have been there, too! So sorry, OP that you are going through such horror; best wishes, x

[NicNocJnr]

SkyBlueSapphire I know I said cheerio earlier in this post and it may have looked like I just wasn't that into you but that's not the case. Many of us could see this coming and how deliberately hurtful his actions were and were desperately sorry you were having to go through this but baffled at your stance. You stuck to doing what you thought was right.

I have to say I totally admire your courage in coming here with this new information after fighting so valiantly to defend your corner. Particularly as he has actually done what was predicited by a pp (who it was escapes me). I really do applaud your acceptance of this and your demands of an honest answer from him. I hope to see no I told you so type posts because you deserve greater respect than that for your bravery and biting of the bullet.

He has behaved appallingly and although it probably doesn't seem like it now you will be a happier family free from his toxic self. It also gives you the freedom to meet somebody who deserves the effort you put into this and will treat you with respect. His reluctance to formalise divorce proceedings was absolutely classic and yet another marker of his personality.

I hope the stability of a final decision will allow you closure and mean you can move on to a happier and more fulfilled life. I also hope once the hurt has abated you will come to see how much more you and DD deserve.

[EdithWeston]

OP, you posted earlier in this thread: "even if we never reconcile, at least any misunderstandings can be cleared up from this letter".

I think that is what happened. He has told you that he wants this separation and does not want to reconcile. It doesn't really matter whether or not he is selfish or cowardly; what matters is that you now have clarity.

I really do hope you find a stronger and better future.

[izzyizin]

You may recall that I had the following exchange with Cervix on Monday in relation to the attention your h had shown you over the weekend:

CervixWithASmile: 'This will sound awful but I think the likely scenario is the other woman has given him the brush off'.

izzyizin: 'I doubt it, Cervix.
The ow is away for the weekend with her h, most probably fulfilling some longstanding engagement or other prebooked event, and I suspect that she's given the OP's h permission to amuse himself in her absence knowing full well she can reel him in again if he looks like wriggling off her hook'.

I also made a further comment later that day:
'I find it significant that he agreed to go on a date with you and has continued to pay you some attention while the ow and her h are away.
The acid test is whether he wavers when they return - and whether he invites you back to 'his place' for a cosy foursome'.

I derive no satisfaction in reproducing the above and have done so purely in the hope that you will see the need to cease communicating with the ow because, whatever she may be to him. she sure ain't no friend of yours, honey.

[tribpot]

So sorry to read this, OP. Whatever else, this thread has always shown you were determined to do all you could to put your marriage back on track and I'm sorry for you that this hasn't proven to be possible.

[cleef15]

I am so sorry. I would have done exactly the same as you-infact I did. My Dh left a few weeks ago for OW. Me and my children are getting on fine. The house is calmer and after mths of enormous stress my life is calmer. Good luck and stay strong.

[midwife99]

I'm so sorry that you have had this response from him. As I said before there are no told you so's. I know you're devastated but I hope you can now see how he was stringing you along & wasn't man enough to say "I want to split" instead of "snogging like teenagers"!! Of course it's true that you were desperately trying to change his mind by suggesting the dates & trying to transform into Miss Perfect to keep him but he has played with your feelings very cruelly. It's time to end this once & for all. Cut off contact with ex, OW & her DH. File for divorce for unreasonable behaviour, get the finances sorted & try to recover. You & DD deserve so much more than him.

[AnyFucker]

I am very sorry, skye

[MadAboutHotChoc]

So sorry at least you can say you gave it your best shot and fought as hard as you could x