how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

If she is attention seeking you need to stop punishing her, and instead reward her with attention for good behaviour. A friend recommends using a star chart to help you look for and "catch" good behaviour. Try to minimise attention for bad behaviour and pay lots of attention to good.

As for your elephant in the room, well I'd suggest you work out what you are worth, what you want, and start to value yourself a lot more.

Daddy wants to come home to the fantasy of a clean house, happy smiling wife and child, whereas the reality is a mess, a frazzled wife and a screaming child.

Well it's tough titties really isn't it. You were working a lot, dealing with a child who was acting out because she wanted attention and you couldn't keep up with the housework, and he was upset because you needed respite from your dd when he got in and you weren't all sweetness and light?

I can't tell you how much that has happened to me, my DH has come home and I have hardly spoken to him because I am exhausted and stressed. You know what he does? He takes over and just gets on with it. That's what grown ups do. Our relationship never used to be like that either, of course it didn't, no one's is until they have children because it's bloody hard sometimes.

You seem convinced (as does he) that it's your responsibility to make his life very, very easy, encountering no stresses with the perfect happy, happy wife that only exsists in fairy tales.

How long do you think you can keep that up?

Maybe it was bad form, am not trying to judge the OP or beat her into submission, the parenting issues and especially her DH just seemed important. I also don't think it was good for the OP to omit so much information in the hope she'd hear what she wanted to hear. Get what you're saying, that pushing or judging too much can send people away who need support.

But nor is MN the right forum for unquestioning reassurance or approval for damaging situations.

His brotjer said hes done this before? Ffs why do you value yourself and your dd so little?

The fact that his brother says he's done this before shows you that you are not at fault here. This is just what he does.

I think we're wasting our time here, ladies. The OP is determined to get him to come back, regardless of what we say.

Neither my husband nor I see it as my responsibility to make his life easy. Nor does he blame me for everything. All I am saying is that nobody wants to come home to a shit life day after day after day and that is what happened. Some days I didnt want to come home either, so I know how he feels. I am obviously angry with him for walking away from us, for not having the guts to try and sort it out before it was too late and these are issues that will be addressed before we can even begin to think about starting again. But the main point, that he thought his feelings were gone, is the point that I am addressing now because if they really have then nothing else matters. But if they havent and he has not said that he doesnt love me, he has only said that he doesnt feel the same as he used to, then there is still a chance for us. If the love is still there, then we can sort out everything else.

Regarding the texting I was trying to explain why my husband turned to somebody else and why I am so sure that nothing is going on, ie the fact that he has done it in the past, with no affair, just support from a female friend. The friends is living with are trying for a baby soon and they will want him out of their house. He will then end up in a bedsit by his own choice if our marriage is over - again by his choice. If thats what he wants out of life, then thats up to him. I will carry on with my daughter and make the best of our life.

But I am not prepared to throw away my marriage for the sake of a bad couple of months, we were happy before and we could be happy again. Too many people end up divorced because they cant be bothered to really try and sort things out. I am not one of those people. While my husband is still saying that he is confused and unsure what he wants, I am not going to just throw in the towel and watch him walk away.

I hope he tries as hard as you. And that involves addressing the elephant in the room.

You were happy before because you never faced stress. You will face stress again. It's what marriages do. How can this not go bad again if you don't address the elephant?

He is trying hard at the moment - he is texting me daily now, without me making first contact, he is ringing, he is asking after us and how my day is etc. All the little things that make a difference through the day.

He is addressing the elephant in the room by writing me a letter. He texted me to say - you know how hard I find it to open up about my feelings, I am going to do what you did and write it all down, it may take me a while, but I will get the letter to you as soon as I can. i will try and put as much in the letter as I can. When you have read the letter, you can let me know how you feel about it -

We are going out again this week and he will be coming to see our daughter one evening too which means we also get some time together after she has gone to bed.

All I can do is take it slowly and see where we go over the next few weeks, but the longer it takes, the more chance there is of it working out long term.

Well that's good (the letter). I hope it helps. I hope he is honest

"im not happy to throw my marriage away for a rough couple of months" Its a shame he didn't feel the same.

I know where you are coming from with regards to the stress, we have this, in many respects we are very similar - stress, a DD that plays up and very little time to ourselves, debts, and general everyday dullness oh and the house is an absolute pigsty.

We went through a horrible stage when DD was about 2, i had terrible post natal depresion and i think DP was depressed too. We nearly split up, but not once did DP actually take the cowards way out and walk away. I think we both knew that if that happened that would have changed everything forever. If he was confiding in another woman, im sorry but i couldnt have gotten past that, id rather my DP have a one night stand than an emotional affair.

I totally applaud your commitment to this man, but you are sending him all the wrong messages. You are telling him that its ok, he can go and have his freedom and his whatever it is he is chasing, and you'll just be there waiting for him when he condescends to come home. Well fuck that, you will never know if he will do it again (after all this isn't the first time) and you will wake up one day with no self esteem left, and it will be too late :(

Do you think I don't long for the romance, that my DP doesn't yearn for a life with no stress and no mortgage and no constant worry, never having any time off work because he is self employed and no work = no pay? That the constant demands of a family don't grind me down and i don't just want to break free from it all? The same for my DP. Of cocurse we do - its just that our love and our DD mean too much for us to put our own needs in front of it.

I think you'll wake up to this man soon and see him for the coward he is.

My husband is self employed and lost his major daily work contract at the end of March, just before he walked out again. I know and he knows that life is not stress free, but what we both need to do is to agree when to put work aside, ie not spend all night in the office, but make time to sit and talk together. This is what we did not do in the few weeks that he was back, despite us having talked and agreed its what we needed to do.

I am addressing the issue of the texts with him, he knows that he cannot turn to her, that he needs to turn to me. But these are only things that can be addressed ongoing if we get back together. We need to talk and keep talking and hopefully we can if we have both got everything off our chests and cleared the air once and for all.

I am sorry that you went through a bad stage and I seriously think that is what we went through, both of us ill and depressed, but too deep into it all to see what was actually happening at the time.

Obviously he should have talked to me rather than walk away and that is a big thing that we need to address so that it doesnt happen again if he comes back.

I hope that you manage to sort things, but i really think you need to put a time limit on this otherwise this man is going to drag you down with him. I just find it so worrying that he has done this before.

It sounds such a difficult situation for you OP and I can understand that you are frustrated that people cannot extend the understanding and forgiveness to your DH that you at the moment are trying so hard to do...

But what do you think he is saying to his best friends text-friendly wife? Do you think he is defending you as vehemently as you are defending him?

I imagine that there are people reading this thread that wish what I wish for you...

That he will wake up, realise he needs to focus his energy on his beautiful wife and child, man up, step up, and be part of the solution...

You are worthy of a partner that wants to be with you...he has to come to you wanting you ...

Please don't settle for any less...

Wishing you strength x

Well initially I thought I wont let it go past a couple of months, but the thing is it has only been, or it has already been, 4 weeks and we have just got to this point, from him walking away, telling his friend he was adament this was what he wanted, to him going out with me, having a good time, and starting to relax in his own home again. So if I still said now, 2 months, then thats only 4 weeks away... we are talking about going out several times, I have promised not to pressure him, so if we go out a couple more times, then I start to push him, Im going back on what I said to him and he will just freeze again....

The councellor that I talked to said it needs to be baby steps to let him catch up with me, and that I need to be patient, not push him and wait for him to come out of his headfuck.......

but yes understandably, this cannot go on for months and months as that wont be any good for anybody. Lets get his letter to me out of the way, see where the next few dates take us and then see where we are at....

I would hope that we carry on dating ok, then maybe have a couple of days out as a family, then maybe he comes to stay the weekend a couple of times, then ultimately moves back in. This isnt all about him, its about me and my daughter too and I need to do what is ultimately best for all of us and only the next few weeks can decide that one way or the other..

Roxylox - You are worthy of a partner that wants to be with you...he has to come to you wanting you ...

Thanks for that, that is something that I am coming to in my own head. If he doesnt want me, then there is no point in being with him or chasing him. After the initial panicky pursuit, I have stepped back a bit. Although I did hold his hand on the date, I let it go to see if he would make the first move next time and he did. and again on the sofa, when he was making a fuss of the dog, I moved away from him, thought fuck you then, make more fuss of the dog than me, only for him to pull me towards him and put his arm around me. I tried to be a bit aloof, not throw myself at him, so I could be sure that whatever was happening was because he wanted to not because he was too nice to hurt me by pushing me away or something.

The same the next day, I sat on the sofa, he could have sat in his old chair or beside me and he came and sat beside me and put his arm around me, so totally all from him again.

He is not texting me first, not the other way round. I have stopped updating my movements on facebook, so now hes like what are you doing, how is your day, etc, and a bit of flirty banter is building up on his part. I promised him no pressure, so need to stick to that and wait for him to come to his own conclusions

sorry that should say he is now texting me first!

he left because he wanted to try with the OW. he probably thought the only reason she wasn't responding to his advances was because he hadn't left you.

so he left
called her and asked her what to do (hoping she would say, well let's give this a try)
she was compassionate and offered him a place to stay

he got all hopeful

but then when he was there, he realised, slowly (over about 4 weeks), that she wasn't interested in him.

so now he's back on to you. keeping you at arm's length, whining about how he doesn't want to be pressured etc. after all he wouldn't want to be on his own, because then he'd have to cook his own tea etc. he'll only leave completely when there's another woman lined up and ready to service his every need. for now, he'll keep you on your toes with dates and so on. nice and light. no need for him to actually work on the relationship, you'll do all of that for him.

it's all so sordid and pathetic really. it's hard to fathom what you would find attractive about this man, the way you describe him he just sounds so painful and cringey! and the fact that you are at his beck and call, constantly pre-empting his needs... he must be in heaven, no responsibilities, no pressure, just a nice comfy place to rest until he finds someone else he fancies.

He'll be back - when his friend and OW are pissed off with him kipping in their spare room. Im sorry but this is not a game you are not 16, you are both adults with responsibilities. Life is not like a romantic novel with "dates" and loving sessions on the sofa. Its about all the stress and bills and washing up, whinging kids and looking like crap after a hard day.

Im sorry but enoughs enough, if this were me id be telling him - be back here, by the weekend, stuff moved back, getting back to being a family (You are too old for all this bf/gf bullshit) so that your DD can get back to normal and not wonder what the hell is going on (she must be so confused just now and this is NOT going to help with her behaviour issues thats for sure).

you are treating him like a nervous terrier that has to be introduced to family life in well-managed stages

what is he ?

a man or a mouse ?

he is really quite pathetic, but clever, yes so very clever

he uses his patheticness as a weapon....how you can respect this nobhead I have absolutely no idea

I do not want to keep repeating myself here, but there is NOTHING going on with OW. He went to stay with them because they are his only friends in this area, despite moving here over 10 years ago, he is so shy and lacking in confidence that he does not make friends easily. All of our friends near us are couple friends, none of the men are his close friend. His mother is a cow and he did not want to move in with her.

He will not rush out and find himself another OW. He is a painfully shy man where women are concerned, he had his first serious relationship at the age of 27. He spent around 7 years with his first girlfriend (lived with her) and then had 2 short relationships after that before meeting me 10 years ago.

There is no way that he is easily going to go out and pick up OW, he does not have the skills or the confidence to do so.

He lived on his own for several years and is more than capable of looking after himself.

I love him because he is kind, caring, considerate, sensitive, funny, generous and loving. (when hes not having some kind of crisis like he is now!!) He is a hard worker, a great father and generally a lovely man all round.

yes i know there is nothing going on the OW. yes i know he's shy etc.

that's why he couldn't actually ASK her to have an affair with him. he built up a huge fantasy in his head and then left you and went to her, hoping that she would fulfill the fantasy. and obviously, because he's quite a pathetic sort of person, she was not interested.

he only learned that after several weeks of hanging around like a lurker at her house, hoping she'd make a pass at him.

so now he's back with the only woman he knows who will mollycoddle and cosset him in the exact way he prefers...

maybe he won't find another woman, but i think he's made it quite clear that you're not his first choice. fgs he texted this woman 1000s of times about you, do you really think you're special to him?

men don't walk out on women they love unless they have a major psychological problem that requires more than cosseting and patting on the head and dating to solve.

Just a word of warning about him being very shy - often they are the most vulnerable to having an affair, they are much more sensitive and susceptible to ego boosting attention.....

His relationship with his mother is also another red flag.

Affairs are often about the cheater's own issues and not about how happy they are in their marriage.

you are treating him like a nervous terrier that has to be introduced to family life in well-managed stages

That's it exactly.