how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

[nkf]

You now know all you need to know. Good luck as you move forward.

[Roxylox]

Skye - so sorry you are having to cope with this :(

[KirstyWirsty]

So sorry Sky ..

You will look back with relief that you didn't waste more of your life and self respect on this oxygen thief xx

[Mumsyblouse]

I too am sorry, Skye, I can see why you went into denial and tried to fan any embers, but really, this fire was well out.

I would not speak with the wife of the H, they are not helping at all by giving him somewhere to stay, and god knows what else, it's made life very easy for him to leave. And that's without even addressing the issue of their inappropriate relationship.

I'm glad you got this letter and I think you will be too, in time, because the situation needed clarifying. I don't know why he messed you around and gave out mixed messages, you also read them the way you wanted as you desperately hoped your marriage would survive. But now you know he's blaming you, and his 'list' of wrong things is really so trivial in the scheme of a long marriage, and as you say, doesn't take account of your needs, that I think you have to assume it is made-up bollocks, quite frankly, and a justification for his bad behaviour. Even if it were all true, it would be the making of a short crisis and readjustment, not a divorce.

I agree with everything you are doing about getting this on a legal footing, proceeding with a divorce. Please surround yourself with people who will support you, real-life friends (not the other couple, obviously). You are a strong person and you will get through this. Brace yourself for more revelations, though, even if he doesn't run off with the wife, I wouldn't be surprised if someone else turns up pretty soon. Best of luck.

[Charbon]

I'm sorry for your hurt Skye but glad that you've got clarity at last. Please take everything he lists as 'reasons' in that letter with a huge pinch of salt because it's bollocks frankly. There's only one reason he left and only one reason he's not coming back and it's in human form.

No more conversations about your relationship now. Only necessary contact from now on about your DD and press on with the divorce. Set up firm boundaries about where he sees your daughter and make your home with her inviolate. Don't even let him over the thresh-hold - he must now get used to being a single parent like you, with all the responsibility that brings.

[lemonstartree]

I'm so sorry to hear this. He really doesn't deserve you; you tried so very hard :-(

[gafhyb]

I'm sorry too.

Best of luck