how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

[gafhyb]

I'm sorry too.

Best of luck

[lemonstartree]

I'm so sorry to hear this. He really doesn't deserve you; you tried so very hard :-(

[Charbon]

I'm sorry for your hurt Skye but glad that you've got clarity at last. Please take everything he lists as 'reasons' in that letter with a huge pinch of salt because it's bollocks frankly. There's only one reason he left and only one reason he's not coming back and it's in human form.

No more conversations about your relationship now. Only necessary contact from now on about your DD and press on with the divorce. Set up firm boundaries about where he sees your daughter and make your home with her inviolate. Don't even let him over the thresh-hold - he must now get used to being a single parent like you, with all the responsibility that brings.

[Mumsyblouse]

I too am sorry, Skye, I can see why you went into denial and tried to fan any embers, but really, this fire was well out.

I would not speak with the wife of the H, they are not helping at all by giving him somewhere to stay, and god knows what else, it's made life very easy for him to leave. And that's without even addressing the issue of their inappropriate relationship.

I'm glad you got this letter and I think you will be too, in time, because the situation needed clarifying. I don't know why he messed you around and gave out mixed messages, you also read them the way you wanted as you desperately hoped your marriage would survive. But now you know he's blaming you, and his 'list' of wrong things is really so trivial in the scheme of a long marriage, and as you say, doesn't take account of your needs, that I think you have to assume it is made-up bollocks, quite frankly, and a justification for his bad behaviour. Even if it were all true, it would be the making of a short crisis and readjustment, not a divorce.

I agree with everything you are doing about getting this on a legal footing, proceeding with a divorce. Please surround yourself with people who will support you, real-life friends (not the other couple, obviously). You are a strong person and you will get through this. Brace yourself for more revelations, though, even if he doesn't run off with the wife, I wouldn't be surprised if someone else turns up pretty soon. Best of luck.

[KirstyWirsty]

So sorry Sky ..

You will look back with relief that you didn't waste more of your life and self respect on this oxygen thief xx

[Roxylox]

Skye - so sorry you are having to cope with this :(

[nkf]

You now know all you need to know. Good luck as you move forward.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

So sorry at least you can say you gave it your best shot and fought as hard as you could x

[AnyFucker]

I am very sorry, skye

[midwife99]

I'm so sorry that you have had this response from him. As I said before there are no told you so's. I know you're devastated but I hope you can now see how he was stringing you along & wasn't man enough to say "I want to split" instead of "snogging like teenagers"!! Of course it's true that you were desperately trying to change his mind by suggesting the dates & trying to transform into Miss Perfect to keep him but he has played with your feelings very cruelly. It's time to end this once & for all. Cut off contact with ex, OW & her DH. File for divorce for unreasonable behaviour, get the finances sorted & try to recover. You & DD deserve so much more than him.

[cleef15]

I am so sorry. I would have done exactly the same as you-infact I did. My Dh left a few weeks ago for OW. Me and my children are getting on fine. The house is calmer and after mths of enormous stress my life is calmer. Good luck and stay strong.

[tribpot]

So sorry to read this, OP. Whatever else, this thread has always shown you were determined to do all you could to put your marriage back on track and I'm sorry for you that this hasn't proven to be possible.

[izzyizin]

You may recall that I had the following exchange with Cervix on Monday in relation to the attention your h had shown you over the weekend:

CervixWithASmile: 'This will sound awful but I think the likely scenario is the other woman has given him the brush off'.

izzyizin: 'I doubt it, Cervix.
The ow is away for the weekend with her h, most probably fulfilling some longstanding engagement or other prebooked event, and I suspect that she's given the OP's h permission to amuse himself in her absence knowing full well she can reel him in again if he looks like wriggling off her hook'.

I also made a further comment later that day:
'I find it significant that he agreed to go on a date with you and has continued to pay you some attention while the ow and her h are away.
The acid test is whether he wavers when they return - and whether he invites you back to 'his place' for a cosy foursome'.

I derive no satisfaction in reproducing the above and have done so purely in the hope that you will see the need to cease communicating with the ow because, whatever she may be to him. she sure ain't no friend of yours, honey.

[EdithWeston]

OP, you posted earlier in this thread: "even if we never reconcile, at least any misunderstandings can be cleared up from this letter".

I think that is what happened. He has told you that he wants this separation and does not want to reconcile. It doesn't really matter whether or not he is selfish or cowardly; what matters is that you now have clarity.

I really do hope you find a stronger and better future.

[NicNocJnr]

SkyBlueSapphire I know I said cheerio earlier in this post and it may have looked like I just wasn't that into you but that's not the case. Many of us could see this coming and how deliberately hurtful his actions were and were desperately sorry you were having to go through this but baffled at your stance. You stuck to doing what you thought was right.

I have to say I totally admire your courage in coming here with this new information after fighting so valiantly to defend your corner. Particularly as he has actually done what was predicited by a pp (who it was escapes me). I really do applaud your acceptance of this and your demands of an honest answer from him. I hope to see no I told you so type posts because you deserve greater respect than that for your bravery and biting of the bullet.

He has behaved appallingly and although it probably doesn't seem like it now you will be a happier family free from his toxic self. It also gives you the freedom to meet somebody who deserves the effort you put into this and will treat you with respect. His reluctance to formalise divorce proceedings was absolutely classic and yet another marker of his personality.

I hope the stability of a final decision will allow you closure and mean you can move on to a happier and more fulfilled life. I also hope once the hurt has abated you will come to see how much more you and DD deserve.

[sadanduseless]

The post by It's Me You See made me cry! Have been there, too! So sorry, OP that you are going through such horror; best wishes, x

[izzyizin]

He has also told his friends that he is thinking about coming back, whereas 4 weeks ago, he was ademant that he wouldnt. The grass isnt greener, and they think that he is starting to see what life will really be like without us

Did you get that information from the ow? Now that he's made it clear he's not coming back, are they going to kick his arse into a bedsit or are they going to carry on with this unhealthy unholy menage a trois indefinitely?

[izzyizin]

He's being selfish and cowardly because that's what he is, honey. That's what he's always been and it's probable that's how he'll always be.

I know you've resisted any notion that the ow may be considerably more to him than a kindly soul who's being doing her level best to mediate, but the fact that he only agreed to spend time with you when she was away with her h suggested otherwise.

In addition, the fact that he's changed his tune considerably from the man who was making advances towards you over the weekend suggests that he is in thrall to her and dancing to her tune.

He's a lowdown, lying, twunt and, now that you've spilled your guts yet again responded to his email, I hope that you will go absolutely no contact with him other than brief and businesslike conversations/texts to arrange his contact with your dd which must take place outside of your home.

[cenicienta]

Oh, I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

You sound so much stronger. Well done on making things clear, particularly about formal access and him not coming into the house anymore.

Sounds like he would have been happy to string you along for a lot longer. Well done for making a stand and for not taking the blame. If every husband walked out because his wife spent too much time on facebook / mumsnet, there'd probably be very few marriages left in the world!

Will take a look at the new thread

[skyebluesapphire]

So, after our great date on Saturday and lovely day on Sunday, tonight he emails me his letter which basically details how unhappy he was, how long he had been unhappy, all the things that made him unhappy.

He says that I was so stressed out it was impossible to talk to me and I took it out on him and my daughter. He says that when he was ill I didnt care (I was ill myself at the same time). He felt that he was doing most of the housework and I didnt appreciate it. I spent too much time on facebook and tv (he was on the computer every night). I was too controlling because I organised our entire lives and we were always busy.

Now that he is on his own he is happy making his own decisions, does not feel pressured, he likes living in town with everything in easy reach. I never supported him in his work.

He enjoyed the date last week, but still feels no desire to come back at present. He said that since the date I put too much pressure on him and have got my hopes right up again and he accepts the blame for that for giving me mixed signals and false hope..

I telephoned him after getting the email and I asked him where this left us, is he saying its over or what, as we were supposed to be going out on Saturday. He said maybe leave it a couple of weeks, so I pushed him and said but do you want to do this, honestly, do you think it will make a difference and he said no.

So I guess that is the end of my marriage then. I said if thats what you are saying then divorce is the only route now and he said I dont want to get divorced, its only a bit of paper. I said no it isnt, its the closure I need to be able to move on and hopefully find somebody else in the future.... I said did he want to start it or me and he said its up to you. So looks like I'll be taking control of that one then..... I told him that we need a more formal footing for access now, he wont be able to come in the house any more and put her to bed etc.

I wrote him a long email back, addressing all the points in his letter and also laying blame on him, which I didnt do in my first letter.

I am so gutted that my marriage is over, but he is being very selfish and cowardly.

[skyebluesapphire]

ok, I just started another one, as I didnt want to keep seeing the title about reconciliation, but feel free to keep posting on here. There is a detailed explanation on the other thread which I will copy to here.

[izzyizin]

Although you've said no more comments, I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you've been taken for a ride by a man you've tried so valiantly to understand and make allowances for, and have defended in the face of fierce criticism.

Posting again isn't advisable as there are benefits to be had from continuity, not least the fact that you'll be able to chart your own progress on one thread.

[skyebluesapphire]

sod the elephant, it looks like its really over....... Im going to start a new thread, called that............ Had the letter from him earlier and he says its over... bastard.... no more comments on here please..............

[midwife99]

Gosh this situation is so exhausting. I don't know how you cope with it all OP!! Do you have any friends in RL (other than OW & her husband) who can truly support you in an unbiased way?

[oikopolis]

Charbon i certainly remember that thread in the same way you do.

OP you don't even have to admit anything here, keep it to yourself and continue to defend him here if you must, but PLEASE just start quietly preparing for the worst. don't pin your hopes on him.

maybe we've ALL got the wrong end of the stick, it's unlikely but not beyond the bounds of possibility, but even so it's better to lower your expectations and be hurt less.