how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

You are not being entirely honest.

I have read your other thread.

You are twisting things.

Why?

but you said originally that the 1000s of texts were HIM being supported by HER.

now it's the other way round?

Why are they still texting, they live together!

I don't get it, I just wouldn't have my husband texting anyone that much, or building a friendship with them, or investing all their emotional energy in someone else.

She is a double-crossing snake and probably can't believe her luck that you have not only not smacked her one (ok, had a go at her) for texting your husband thousands of times, but are still friendly and understanding of the situation.

I can't be bothered to post what I think of him, other posters have summed it up.

I don't think it matters really, the ending in all this is pretty plain to see, I just hope you do find your inner anger in all this which I actually believe is in there somewhere. I know what it is like to feel like you'll do pretty much anything to save a marriage, but this feeling doesn't last forever when you are being shat on from a great height.

I don't see how the daughter is massively affected, though, as long as regular contact is maintained with her daddy (which is what she is likely to end up with in the end). It is the OP's heart that is going to get broken (again).

if this OP ever finds her anger, this man had better make sure he is in another country at the time

such single-mindedness and self-delusion is really very scary indeed and requires a mammoth amount of mind control to achieve.....if it ever breaks it will be like Vesuvius going off in a tent

The daughter is very much affected. Last week she was showing her daddy pictures of when he lived at home and asking why he was living elsewhere.
She's being further confused by him coming to the house playing happy families and then going again. Every night she's going to bed hoping that he'll be there when she wakes up. But he isn't because apparently he's still a confused and tortured soul and not an adulterer .

That's now.

In a few months or years time when this self-absorbed man returns home having got away with infidelity, normality gets difficult again and he latches onto some other attached woman, the whole thing will repeat itself and the little girl will suffer again.

She is being harmed.

You can't ignore an elephant in the room because it's too big and it doesn't belong there.

If you really want advice about repairing a marriage after such a shock and betrayal, MN isn't the place. You need a counsellor, therapist or some belief in something like Christian penitence and forgiveness.

There are probably steps you can take and things you can do and marriages do survive, if by survival you mean not ending.

But MN isn't the place to find it. As you can see, most women think you're making a mistake to even bother.

nkf, do you think this lady is doing the right thing ? genuine question.

I don't like some of the remarks on these threads, where people going through crises and difficulties in marriages, or splitting up, are made to feel like they have to carry the entire weight of their children's behaviour and future modelling of relationships through these times. Children act up and are badly behaved for all types of reasons, children also get their role models from all the relationships around them.

I think the OP is being an idiot, but I don't believe she should get rid of her husband and prevent him coming back 'for the children'. She should certainly try to manage the situation to create as little distress as possible, but that's true of all people going through everyday crises, difficult patches and nasty divorces. There's nothing to suggest in this that he doesn't want to be a good dad or that their relationship shouldn't continue, wherever he is living. It doesn't need to be 'confusing' if handled correctly, at least not more confusing than your parents splitting up for ever when you are a small child.

She should protect her own heart, as that is what is going to get broken.

I don't think that's true that most women think you're making a mistake to even bother!

I think most women think the way she is doing it is a huge mistake. This marriage very possibly could be saved and even transformed into something much much better, but that won't happen if the OP continues in her current course of actions!

The advice on here seems to be mainly aimed at the OP seeing herself differently, having more dignity and start taking some serious control. Not letting this poor confused soul walk all over her!

I just wanted to clarify my last post: I absolutely DO think you should use the 'for the kids' argument where there is any violence, abuse, nasty atmosphere to live in all the time. I am not against that argument, just that here, it seems to me that the OP's husband is crap and silly and runs for the hills if called to account, and that the primary issue should be for the OP to think about how to improve her marriage, if she wants that, or leave when she finally admits what an idiot he's been. Shielding the children emotionally is important whenever you have marital difficulties even of the regular kind.

The stuff that I have seen is all about supporting her through a bad day.

So why couldn't he support you while you were working loads and trying to deal with your daughter?

Mumsy - I think that is a naive view.

Its amazingly scary just how many children absorb values, beliefs and patterns of behaviour from parents when growing up and how similar their future relationships are to those of the parents.

I agree its confusing for children to see their parents coming and going - how is that supposed to make for a stable home life?

I totally agree that you could not hide from a child that it's mother is demonstrating that women are put on this earth to coddle and mollify immature and selfish men

not a good model, by a long, long way

my mother did it...it did me no good at all during my formative years

AF, I think she is doing something enormously difficult and possibly not worth doing. I know because I tried to do something similar and gave up. I also know that I would have hated this sort of thread at the time. I think people are too harsh and unsympathetic on these sort of threads. It's all, he's a shit and get yourself some self esteem and you'll damage the kids.

That would be because

1 he is a shit
2 she does need to work on her self esteem
3 it is damaging to kids

I also don't think MN can help her on this. If she wants to try to make it work, she needs a different source of support. Because, on this site, the thread will fill up with strident voices, telling her she's wrong, all wrong. Probably what her husband says all day. When he can be bothered to communicate that is.

OP, where are you now cannot last. Nothing this unstable can. I hope that the road you take leads you and your daughter to a happier place.

Fair point, nkf

I agree this thread is not helping the OP, from her POV

because she wants something that cannot happen...just one poster to tell her she is doing the right thing

"another source of support" would mean mealy-mouthed platitudes aout how weak men need us strong women to hold everything together, I expect, that would help her even less

that's what I like about MN...it doesn't buy into that shit, as a rule

But many parts of the ups and downs of relationships are damaging to kids, lunless you are perfect parents. I just think all this 'putting the kids first' stuff is a bit strange in this particular thread, and I think blaming the OP for her dd's behaviour was really nasty, as plenty of children are defiant and difficult, so what?

I am not saying that how your parents model your relationships doesn't affect you, but really, who can have the type of perfect relationship where they can guarantee it won't affect the children? I don't think that getting rid of her husband permanently will screw the child up any less, actually your daddy leaving when you are 7 is devastating full stop. Who is to say that the devastation of a few uncertain weeks is worse than the devastation of his permament leaving? You simply can't say, and like most things, you can try to keep the situation as stable and nice as possible, with him visiting as much as possible and no badmouthing whatsoever.

The more you paint this man as a monster, and cry 'think of the kids', the less this situation feels plausible to the OP who is a master at denial I think taking low blows about people messing up their kids when they are doing what many of us do, trying to work out whether to save a relationship misguidedly in my opinion is over egging the pudding. All parenting is messing up your kids, that's the funny thing about it.

I think you don't help build someone's self esteem by telling them they have none. I think she's asked and it's fair to give a point of view. But one poster called her an idiot! I think that's the sort of statement that the anonymity of the forum lets loose. I also don't think it's fair to attack her as a role model for her daughter. Nobody has to hide what they think, I agree. It's an open forum. But I wish it stayed as a forum and became less of a bear baiting ring.

Gees, I am glad people are being called on their cruelty and harshness here, why was nobody doing that on my post!

Sapphire, sending you lots of love and strength.

I see lots in your text about him promising stuff in the future... hmmm know that one

Can I just tell you: you won't get that letter. You won't get it.

If by some INCREDIBLE miracle (and please tell me if I am wrong) you do, it will be all about how sad he feels, and what YOU have done wrong.

I am not going to trash him, or you, because I know how hard this all is, to turn away from love and hope and see things as they really are; so I just wish and send you the same from the start:

I wish and send you lots of love (for yourself, forget him) and strength (to bear the pain and learn from it).

I agree with mumsy.

Abitwobbly. What post do you mean?

OP. Sorry to keep posting, you must be fed up of me! Can you just explain though what blame you think you have on your part?

From what i can tell its . . .

That you were working too hard.

That you were tired and stressed.

That you turned down sex at 1am without an explanation as you were too tired to explain.

You couldn't cope with the housework on top of your stressful job and daughter.

You were stressed by the difficulties you were having with your daughter.

You weren't all happy and sweetness and light due to things already mentioned.

. . . I still can't really see how you are to blame for your husband leaving. These are normal parts of family life.

Good for you for doing the parenting course! I think perhaps more people should, including me!

Am de lurking to share the bare bones of my experience...
Married for 14 years. He has been through work problems, money problems.. it escalated, he had an affair. He walked out last April and the bottom fell out of my world. I tried and tried and tried. We dated. He moved back in. We went away with Dd (now 6) and tried to play happy families.

But... I was just pretending. I thought that if I pretended enough for the 2 of us I could fix it. But I couldn't. The intimacy and trust had gone. If he so much as looked at his phone, I felt sick. He told me he wanted me, but he didn't. He wanted his old life, minus the hassle. But not ME, actually ME. I was his fall back really.

I do believe he still loves me and I love him, but somewhere along the way we are not in love anymore and I asked him to leave for good - 6 weeks this weekend. Last April, I thought I would die with the pain. Now... indifference. I am NOT suggesting for a second my way was right, but I had enough time to get to my own decision. For you, it is still new. I have, realistically, had a year to get to this point. And now, it feels good.
Apologies for the essay. Give yourself time. Look after your little girl. And wait a bit before you stick a plaster on the top. I wish I had.