how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

[AnyFucker]

hello again love, I agree 100% with everything said so far

don't turn into a Stepford Wife to try and entice him back, it demeans you, and his respect for you will descend even further than it already has

if you must have him back (I wouldn't) then you must do what izzy says, and make sure it is on your terms

unfortunately, I see you are pushing yourself very hard to adopt the "head in the sand" approach, and it will do you no favours at all

[skyebluesapphire]

I am trying to maintain radio silence at the moment, nothing on facebook, no texting etc. I did give in and text him this morning, but got a very cool response from him.

I ended up sobbing my heart out today which I havent done for a few days. I do honestly believe that there is nothing going on with OW. I know it looks bad, but I think the furthest it has gone is that he has formed some sort of emotional attachment. I know that isnt good, but it is something we can overcome if he comes out of it again which he will do as the halo slips and the pedestal becomes rusty..... He has been extremely stressed out and ill and that can do strange things to people.

I want to save my marriage if at all possible. Its nearly 4 weeks now since he left and I didnt think I could get through 1 week without him, so I am surviving and will continue to survive, whatever the outcome of this may be. I want my daughter to grow up with her father around if that is possible. He went saying that was definitely it, but has already changed his mind and considering if the marriage can work... I dont know if it can, but only following the path will tell...

[Charbon]

What is it that you wanted from this thread then Skye?

Every post you've had disagrees with the actions that you're taking and none of us know one another. Why do you think so many people think the same thing?

[AnyFucker]

what path is that then ?

his path ?

why would you follow someone else ? He doesn't have your best interests, nor your dd's, at heart

what excuses are you making for his appallling treatment of you ?

[cenicienta]

OP the issue here isn't whether he is or isn't having an affair!

The issue is that the course of action you are choosing to take will lead to you losing every ounce of dignity and self worth! He is treating you appallingly and you are rewarding him for it with dates and letters and tea...

As has been said a million times, the only way to get him to want to come back is to tell him you've decided it's over and move on (though personally I think you desErve far better)

Did you honestly think that even without you mentioning the thousand plus texts going back and forwards between him and OW, that ANYONE would agree with your proposed course of action!

If you don't want to listen to brilliant advice, why bother posting at all?

[Charbon]

Agree with AF and Cenicienta. The affair aspect is only relevant in that it's probably the reason he left, but it's sheer madness to behave this way with a partner who has walked out and won't discuss the issues. It's actually an act of sabotage to the relationship, but more importantly to the OP herself.

[NicNocJnr]

This makes me really sad.

At the end of the day OP it boils down to the fact that you are clinging on to an idea of life and reality that isn't true. I also think you would be wise to consider why people here that have had deep and involved struggles with mental health problems are scornful of your use of that as rationalisation of his behaviour using that as an excuse. Personally I feel that's a bit insulting to me and demeaning to my hardwork and all the people that work hard and have to face the stereotypes - MH isn't carte blanche to be an enus. People that use it as a free pass do untold harm to the people that are left with the results of that and are avoided because they must be an ass.

Anyway - if you wont take responsibility for yourself and recognise your right to self determination then fine. Whatever happens you will justify it to yourself. I hope you never have to justify it to your daughter because this is replayed during her most vulnerable years and does catastrophic damage to her self-worth and esteem. No matter what you say, you haven't swayed the audience. Also you can't say 'he isn't hving an affair' and expect us all to turn on a sixpence and say oh well, that's all ok then because that isn't the behaviour we're commenting on here.

I'm sorry for you. But, I can't help you.

[skyebluesapphire]

At the end of the day I am trying to save my marriage if I can. My husband was ill before Christmas with a chest infection, cracked ribs and was almost hospitalised with a gallbladder infection. Add to this the stress of his work. I was extremely stressed around this time due to my job which always peaks in January then goes quiet again. All I am saying is that all these things contributed to him feeling very ill and low and deciding in his own head that the marriage wasnt working. I am not trying to insult anybody with MH issues.

If there is any way of saving my marriage then that is what I want to do. You are supposed to support each other in a marriage and we went through a rough patch. I know that he didnt support me, but I didnt support him either as we were both so stressed and frustrated with life at the time, that we didnt see what it was doing to our marriage. It may well be that the marriage is over for good, but as I posted earlier, my husband's attitude to that is already changing after being away for almost 4 weeks.

I posted here for some help and advice on how to deal with my husband who wont talk to me and how to get through a date with him which is supposed to remind us why we got together, not rehash all the bad stuff which we can talk about later on when he is ready. But he is already starting to open up more when texting me. Men are not very good at talking and if thats the way he wants to communicate then its fine by me, as its better than nothing.

I sincerely believe that he is not having an affair, like I said, it may be an emotional attachment, but that can be dealt with and doesnt have to mean the end.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you've decided that you're willing to give him yet another chance then you have to be extremely strong and uncompromising in what you want out of the situation. Blaming yourself and making excuses for him are not the way forward.

You are supporting him by giving him a second chance. His behaviour, reluctance to talk or any other flaw in his character are not your responsibility. You will not get his respect or compliance by being weak, conciliatory or tolerant. You will only destroy whatever self-respect you have left and he will - quite understandably - regard you with contempt.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

No, it does not mean the end - after all quite a few of us, me included took our DHs back.

BUT

In order for the marriage to recover, there needs to be 100% honesty and the person who cheated has to work hard in order to address their own weaknesses and issues

I don't think your H is able to do these things, based on what you have told us.

[Charbon]

Men are not very good at talking

Rubbish, sexist nonsense.

This one isn't very good at talking, in case he trips himself up.

[Mumsyblouse]

I think what people are trying to say skye, is that if you wanted to get him back, you would have much more success if he felt he was losing you (if you told him you couldn't live with this uncertainty and were moving on) than if he feels you are sitting begging him to come back.

Anyway, you are going on the date whatever we think, but don't beat yourself up if you don't feel happy and light and cheerful and fall back in love again on it, you have had a hard time and his behaviour is hurtful in the extreme.

[NotSureICanCarryOn]

OP to 'make someone talk' is not possible. If they don't want to, they won't.

What you can do is to ensure you create the right environment so that the person will be willing to talk. It can be a feeing of trust that they are not going to be put down for example.

I have no idea of your previous thread and you don't say why he is not talking. Has it always being like this etc...

What I do know is that, if he doesn't want to reply to your letter, is being cold with his text, then this suggest to me that he is not willing to.
Without him wanting to do so, it will not happen. And that's even before talking about what you can. can't, should or shouldn't do yourself.

(btw, you can't communicate well by texts! If you are able to communicate only by text, then you probably have some major communication pb imho)

[skyebluesapphire]

He just bottles everything up, he hates confrontation and arguments, so he never says if anything pisses him off. He said he doesnt like hurting people so he just bottles it all up. He said he has always been like it, its just the way he is, sorry! I said you cant be like that, just bottle it all up and then decide on your own that the marriage is over, hurting me big time, when it would have been better to sort stuff out as we go along. I didnt even know that we had a problem.... We hadnt been unhappy, just a little ill and stressed for a while. I said that everybody has arguments and disagreements and it doesnt have to turn into a full scale row just if you are unhappy about something. I used to say, Im not having a go but - if I had something to say, which wasnt very often. He said nobody likes a bad atmosphere. But he has a very warped view of life if he thinks he can live with somebody and its always going to be happy bunnies. We have been together for 10 years, and have always been ok up to this point.

He wont talk about us now as says we have been over it all so no point in saying the same things over and over. But I dont see how we can move on until the issues are resolved. I have addressed a lot of his issues, the state of the house, my stress levels, having too much on at the weekends, no time to relax etc. These were easy things to fix and dont involve me changing myself.

But he is starting to communicate by text, he can talk by text as he is removed from the situation and finds it easier (this is why he talked to the friends wife, but he was telling her what he should have been telling me).. If he comes back at some future point and it will be a long way down the line if he does, then we need to talk about problems and keep talking.

The whole point of the date is to spend time together without any hassle or raking over the past to discover what his true feelings are. I know of several couples that have split up and got back together again after a few months...

[skyebluesapphire]

I forgot to say he is a very deep person, it takes him a couple of days to reflect on things before it starts to sink in to him. He is very sensitive and touchy. He has walked out of numerous jobs over the years if somebody upsets him. This is why he is self employed now, he doesnt have to worry about anybody upsetting him. He has very low self esteem, never thinks he is good enough at anything.

But he cant just walk out of a marriage like its a job thats not working...

[MissFaversham]

Who's idea what it to have a "date"? Hope it wasn't yours.

[skyebluesapphire]

yes, it was my idea. He thought about it for a couple of weeks, then decided that it was a good idea. He walked out adament that the marriage was over, but after 4 weeks away he is changing his tune slightly..

[MissFaversham]

OP, I'd give it another couple of months before meeting on neutural territory. Get the idea of a date right out of your head please!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I know of several couples that have split up and got back together again after a few months..."

You have no idea how those couples are functioning behind closed doors. Having been one of those couples in the distant past I can tell you that in my case the smile was pasted on, my self-esteem was in pieces, I hated myself for having allowed him to take me for a fool and, with every day that passed, I wanted nothing more than to sink a knife into his stupid, selfish ribs. It's a pile of crap that marriage is special, for life and should be rescued at all costs.... which seems to be your position. If he did come back to you, the few hours of relieved happiness you will experience at the start will come at a very heavy personal cost.

[skyebluesapphire]

I talked to a friend who was suffering from depression after a miscarriage. She told her partner she didnt want him any more, started to see somebody else, but they spent time talking and he was very patient and after about 3 months she realised that she wanted everything she had and not something different. they are getting married this year.

My aunt left her husband thinking that the grass was greener, but went running back 4 months later, after realising that it was actually sad and lonely out there on her own.

I know that this doesnt mean that my story will turn out happy ever after too, but it gives me hope that it can happen, not every couple who split up stay split up. If needs time to come out of whatever is going on in his head, that I am prepared to give him that time. But obviously at the same time I am adapting to living on my own, so am moving on slowly but surely at the same time as hoping to work it out with him..

[Charbon]

Skye you cannot know what was happening in those relationships or whether you know all the reasons for those women leaving. Even their partners might not know the full story behind the break-ups, so you as a friend or niece are even less likely to know the full story.

And yes, people in your husband's position often come back, when their alternative relationships don't work out for some reason. Why you would want someone back though after an emotional or physical affair is the real question to ponder, especially when there is no honesty about it.

But overriding all this is that it's blatantly obvious that your husband doesn't want to reconcile - it's you who's pushing for things all the time. It would be different if your husband was making some efforts to talk and discuss your marriage and his thought processes, but he isn't. He keeps telling you he doesn't want to talk about it.

If you're right about why your husband is acting as he is, then you should leave him alone and give him the 'space' he craves. You got the reaction you did yesterday because he's probably irritated by you. I'm sure he's dreading this date tomorrow, because he doesn't want to be there and because its whole premise is completely false. Even you believe his heart lies elsewhere now and you can't compete with that and moreover you shouldn't compete.

I asked you what you wanted from this thread because you haven't taken a bit of advice given. It's really telling that no-one has given you advice on how to get through your date or how to act all 'sweetness and light'. That's because no-one thinks that's the right thing to do.

[izzyizin]

He said he doesnt like hurting people If this were true, he wouldn't have behaved in such a hurtful way to you.

He just bottles it all up. He said he has always been like it, its just the way he is He's had no problem popping his cork with another woman.

He is a very deep person So deep he behaves like a shallow twat.

He is very sensitive and touchy. He has walked out of numerous jobs over the years if somebody upsets him Aw, poor diddums; life can be so cruel to a big girl's blouse.

Take those rose tinted specs off and see him for what he is; a selfish, self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-entitled immature twat who runs away from anyone who, or any situation that, requires him to behave like an adult because he has no consideration for others or for the greater good.

Going on a 'date' with him and behaving like a Stepford wife for a few hours will prove what, exactly? That he made a mistake leaving you or that you're willing to degrade yourself to please him?

And what happens after the date? What are you going to do if your act fails to convince him? Continue to delude yourself that he's essential to your happiness and well-being and desperately search look for more stories of happy reunions endings

Get real and cancel the date, honey. Tell him that he either shapes up or he can stay shipped out - it's a guaranteed formula to get a 'deep thinker' thinking that maybe they've screwed up.

[Pandemoniaa]

He is very sensitive and touchy. He has walked out of numerous jobs over the years if somebody upsets him

This is a red flag in its own right. Basically, you appear to have the misfortune to marry a thoroughly precious individual who, if he can't control everything around him, runs away.

He needs to grow up. I doubt very much that this will happen but certainly, he'll carry on dragging you down and making you the scapegoat for his inadequacies. So my advice is to cut yourself free, stop accepting his unacceptable behaviour and start valuing yourself. Sorry to be so blunt.

[TimeForMeAndDD]

Sorry OP but I agree with everything Charbon says. I also worry that your denial is going to result in you getting very hurt. You appear to be thinking on behalf of your H, you seem to think you know what he wants more than he knows. I hate to say this but I'm beginning to feel a little bit sorry for him, you don't seem to be allowing him a choice, allowing him to use his own mind, I'm not surprised he is getting irritated, you are coming across as very overbearing. If you continue in the same light you are going to end up pushing him further away, then there will be no chance of a reconciliation. You need to take a step back and give him the space to come to you, if indeed he wants to come back to you.

[oikopolis]

GOD he sounds utterly unbearable and just so deeply deeply unappealing. no offence meant OP, but how on earth do you manage to stay attracted to such an objectionable human being??

WHY would you want to beg and plead and grovel and weep and wail over such a waste of space?

putting the walking out on you aside (and the fact that he clearly walked out because he thought he had a shot with this OW.... and then she didn't take the bait... so now he's half-heartedly giving you a chance to "prove" you are "worthy" of him... )

he walks out of jobs because people upset him? seriously?? what a complete numpty. is he five?

he avoids confrontation because he's a pathetic coward, and then refuses to talk about the hideous aftermath of his cowardice because "we've been over this"? how nice for him to be able to pretend you and your emotions don't exist! what, are you just there to wash the dishes, service him sexually, and never make a peep beyond that?

you asked him if he wanted to "date" you, and he thought about it for weeks? were you grateful when he said yes or something?? WHY would you want to date someone so pathetic and ridiculous?

please, give your daughter a better example in life, and stop begging for the attentions of a twat. at least salvage your dignity. would you want your DD to run around after a man who cares so little for her? who is so precious and up-himself that he seems unable to notice that other people even exist?

really OP you deserve quite a lot better than this... start expecting more out of life, and you'll find you get it...