how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

If he doesn't want a wife in a penny in the kitchen why has he complained that you let the housework slide??!!! So many contradictions!!!

It's so frustrating reading your updates OP that I'm going to hide the thread! I sincerely wish you all the best for the future. But I don't think it will be with that excuse for a man. You sound like you really love your dd and you are a good mum but I can't imagine this is the type of example you'd want to set for her? Bending over backwards to suit the whims of a man who doesn't want her? I'm sure you're better than that. Take care.

Is this the message you want to send your daughter, really? The best she can hope for in a relationship is this?

No point laying the blame 50/50 when it wasn't, it seems your 'man' is incapable of behaving like a grown up and why should he, he has no incentive to be any different you are always waiting ready to accept half if not all of the fault.

I think your mother's model of putting herself second to your 'MCP' dad has affected you more than you realise, is this a legacy you want for dd?

I'm amazed that any woman can categorically state that she is not a feminist.

I wonder why you say that and how much that has influenced your stance on this situation?

I agree with dina.

he has never had issues with holidays in the past, he always enjoys himself on holiday

Quelle surprise! Of course he doesn't have an issue with holidays - his whole life is one long vacation.

This is a man who studiously avoids facing the consequences of his actions and if anyone or any thing upsets him, whether that be his employers, his wife, or his house, he walks.

Life doesn't always imitate art. It's not like the movies. When the going gets tough, the tough roll up their sleeves and get stuck in, but Mr Self-obsessed blames everyone else for the situations he finds himself in and strolls off into the sunset.

And now that he's treated you and his dd to his complete lack of consideration and disregard for others, you're going to reward him with another holiday?

This man acts as if he's royalty. When he returns to the well-ordered castle you'll be knocking yourself out to create and maintain, will you be laying his perfectly laundered clothes out every morning and squeezing his toothpaste for him?

Oh my GOD don't get me started on 'men who work long hours are entitled to come home to a tidy house'!!!!!!!!!

I think you have some, ahem, unusual and ingrained attitudes and have rose coloured specs when it comes to your dh BUT I totally agree that it is your marriage and it's clearly very important for you to fight for it. I might not get the ways you are going about it, but I respect your love for him and your deep desire to keep your family together. I am glad you had a gret date. I hope and pray he felt the same and he is not a) already completely invested in that rather dreadful sounding other woman and b) is not flaky enough to keep coming back then leaving when he can't hack being a grown up.

This sounds lovely for now. But what about when it happens again? Nothing has changed. Life will become stressful again and he will have not learned any mechanisms of how to deal with that without hurting you and your daughter.... Or, actually, perhaps he'll have learned that whatever he does it will be fine because you'll capitulate.

You sound nice by the way, and I really respect your desire to not give in.

But he's not deep

I wonder if the apparent 50:50 sharing of blame is that this is your fault and his error was just in not telling you sooner. I sincerely hope not.

I find it significant that he agreed to go on a date with you and has continued to pay you some attention while the ow and her h are away.

The acid test is whether he wavers when they return - and whether he invites you back to 'his place' for a cosy foursome.

this man is as deep as a rather grubby puddle

I can't put my finger on it exactly, but this thread makes for uncomfortable reading IMO

cf, understatement of the week, there

unfortunately he has grown up with a mother who showed very little affection and criticized every thing he did and made him feel useless. This has had a terrible effect on his confidence and he is over sensitive. I have only ever tried to love and support him, but I know at times I did criticize stuff and he got to the point where he felt that he couldnt do anything right. and I didnt realise what I was doing to him.

I took on too much work to be able to have enough come september when my daughter starts school. I didnt like to turn anything down as I only started my self employed business in April last year. So I took on more than I should ahve. He supported me by not complaining that I was always working and he didnt mind if I worked weekends, but his own job was very stressful, working for one company and taking commission for another for arranging stuff. He has actually lost one of those jobs now, so his own life is a lot less stressful.

now that my work has calmed down as well, life should get a lot easier all round.

Hmm ... Yes, AF, point taken. I meant, apart from the obvious, op's subservience, the dh being a twat etc etc, there's something strangely unsettling about the op's attitude.

Sounds like he has issues which only HE can resolve himself - unfortunately you cannot resolve these for him, and it is not your job to make him happy.

He needs to go to individual counselling - these issues are having a massive impact on his life, family, work and marriage.

Car crash tv or the timewarp effect - back to the 50's, cf?

The only way it can be said that this man is 'deep' is that he's deep into himself and it's often the case that 'deep' is accompanied by 'devious'.

I know, cf, and I was agreeing with you

it is very unsettling to read...the kind of stuff you never want your daughter to grow up believing, IYSWIM

OP, you cannot rescue him from his childhood issues...while you continue to excuse him because of them , he will never change

it seems you are happy with him as he is though...good luck with that

Its normal to be able to criticise our partners without them walking out, its just normal life and relationship stuff. You have done nothing wrong there. The problem is with him and he needs to deal with that.

How can you possibly make allowances for it? You'll be treading on eggshells for the rest of your life with this man. Pandering to him. Not that different to your mum with your dad.

Splitting the blame 50:50 is an odd concept when it's obvious that one person is the one mainly in the wrong.

Only that's not you and you seem to be taking 100% of the blame.

I think continuing to ignore the elephant in the room is the only way you could possibly save this relationship.

OP, you are taking on all the responsibility as if you drove your husband away, actually he has form for doing a runner whenever things get stressful. Be careful, all the signs are he has you dangling on a thread (taking two weeks to reply about the date, not being sure) and no evidence he is being honest or committed about really making a go of it and never leaving again.

I wish you luck OP.

I rather think you are going to need it.