how to move on to possible reconciliation while ignoring the elephant in the room..

[skyebluesapphire]

I have posted on a different thread in a different name about the fact my husband walked out on me..... he didnt tell me what was wrong, bottled everything up til he walked out, he is living elsewhere, calling this a temporary separation while we work out if it really is it, although he walked out saying that it was over... has since agreed to go out with me, just the two of us to see if there is anything left. we have been communicating quite well by text, but if we get anywhere near discussing issues, he backs off, saying that there is no point in going over everything as we keep saying the same stuff over. I wrote him a long letter detailing how I think everything went downhill, stress, illness etc, which he has read over several times and is writing a reply. I am hoping that communicating in this way takes the pressure off him a bit.

We are going out at the weekend, and I know that I need to stay happy and positive about this now and on the day, or there will be no point in going..

my concern now that I am really struggling with, is this... How the hell can we move on if he wont discuss the problems... It is very difficult for me to be nice and happy etc when he has walked out on me and 4 year old daughter. But obviously he is not going to want to spend time with sad moody cow, which will only reinforce him thinking he has made the right decision. So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me. D

I am hoping that it will go something like this, have a few dates, reconnect on some level, spend more time together, then discuss issues, more than half of which are already resolved, so we can move on and hopefully reconcile? We just have to ignore the sodding large elephant in the middle of the room for the moment??

AARRGGHH!!!

[PooPooInMyToes]

I agree with everyone else. You need to play hard to get (hate that phrase!) so that he realises what he's losing.

[PooPooInMyToes]

I agree with oik. You're being a bit of a sap here.

[waltermittymissus]

OP please listen to the very wise people who have posted here. This is heartbreaking to read. It's like you're a stray willing to take any scraps that he throws at you. You don't want to upset him so you're skimming over the fact that he dumped you and your innocent daughter. You're going on dates and writing him letters!

How would you respond to somebody else who wrote your OP? Would you tell her to care more about herself? To respect herself enough to NOT be treated this way? I hope bet you would.

[Dozer]

He has walked out of several jobs and is self employed cos he can't deal with all that comes with employment? And has to text cos the poor flower can't deal with difficult interactions in person? More things not showing him in a good light.

The way you put him on a pedestal is

Btw, if you want him back on any terms at whatever cost to yourself (as you sadly seem to), the current approach of chasing him, begging him for a date, cooking, letting him know you want him etc, won't work. If you're intent on winning him back, try reading The Rules!

[TimeForMeAndDD]

I'm afraid you do appear to be pandering to him OP, and therefore enabling him to treat you this way. He found the guts to leave you four weeks ago, he found his voice when it came to confiding in his friends wife. I wouldn't be underestimating him quite so much if I were in your shoes. I certainly wouldn't be cutting him so much slack or having a 'date' with him. If he couldn't find it in himself to talk to me, he would be talking to my solicitor. If he won't man up, then you have to! Let him have the space he so obviously needs and leave him to it, stop running after him. He will either come back to you or he won't, either way, your dignity will be intact.

I am sorry you are going through this though OP, you do deserve better.

[lucyellensmumnamechange]

This is the prick that left you to go and live with his friend and his wife, who he has formed an "emotional bond" with. I have a prediction - he wants you to be his booty call. He doesn't want the family time, he wants to take you out, just you and him, he wants to fuck you i bet and then go back to being mr single. Have some pride FFS, you deserve better. You are laying yourself on a plate for him, telling him yeah, you kick me as hard as you like, i'll just roll over. Don't let your DD grow up to think that it is ok to be treated this way - you want better for her, surely?

[midwife99]

Oh honey I know it's hard to accept what seems to be the worst possible future (being a single parent) in favour of desperately trying to get back a selfish man who sent 1200 texts to another woman in one month while being married to tou with a child. He then moves in with that woman & "agrees" to go out on a date with you as long as your relationship is not discussed?!!!! I hope you do face facts eventually love.

[NicNocJnr]

OP as I said I can't help you - by that I mean I cannot offer help, support and advice to you because I belive it is wrong. I apologise if I misconstrued your comments about illness and MH.

Just as I would not support somebody and advise them how to go about not getting caught cheating, the best drugs for a date rape or how to commit a crime I cannot offer any of the thoughts that you want because I have the right to refuse to condone things that are damaging or harmful to the health of a person or people.

I want you to find this a place of support but I can't support you in hurting yourself. I hope you find what you need here as MN has been an invaluable resource to many people.

[izzyizin]

So I need to be sweetness and light and remind him of the person he fell in love with, so he can work out how he really feels about me

By voting with his feet he's made it clear he doesn't want to be with you, and the manner of his leaving has shown that he has no respect for you.

It's folly for you think that reminding him of how you once were, or how you once behaved around him, will cause him to change his mind at the present time.

Further, it should be cause for celebration that the birth your dd and other life experiences have brought you to a point far removed from the woman/girl you used to be.

The only issue here is whether Peter Pan he is willing to grow up and become a responsible and loving husband and father.

If he's not up to the task, there'll be no shortage of candidates who'll be more than willing to embark on relationship with you that is founded on adult values.

[midwife99]

Just reread this thread - on the one hand he complained about "the state of the house" - (why didn't he ffing clean it then?!) & unhappy that he doesn't get enough rest at the weekends but on the other hand hand "walked out of numerous jobs because someone upset him". Sensitive, touchy, won't communicate, (apart from 1200 texts in one month to OW of course!) Bloody hell love, he sounds so far up his own arse it's unbelievable! Why on earth do you want him back?!

[Lizzabadger]

You got loads of advice on the previous thread.

You didn't listen to any of it.

No one's going to say anything different on this thread.

Looks like you will be learning the hard way

[sunglasses]

Please cancel your date_ it won't win him back. An ex boyfriend left me years ago. We continued to meet up, have a jolly time, not discuss what happened and why and I was convinced he would come back. Guess what- he didn't. He just couldn't quite make the break and I made it really easy for him to have his cake and eat it. His last phone call was him begging me to come to his leaving party- he was leaving the country to set up a new life with a new partner who was expecting his first child! and he was still chasing me!! I politely declined and he sounded gutted. But I had moved on by then. Please at least put a little distance between you and if he wants to come back he will work damn hard to win you over again. If he doesn't he isn't worth it. Sorry

[Mumsyblouse]

OP, perhaps you just have to go on this date, and see what happens afterwards to understand what's going on. I am not remotely convinced by your list of people who got back together, because in all those situations, the leaver wanted to return, whereas I don't see your husband beating a path to your door, sadly, he may be happy to have cups of tea, and the odd text, and even a date if you pester him and he takes two weeks to decide (how could you think this is ok, this is a massive rejection?), but he doesn't seem to want to return to the marriage, or talk about where it went wrong. Even if you convinced him to return for a short-time, my guess is he'd leave again. He seems to have fundamentally checked out of your relationship and your family and isn't even that sorry about it.

But, sometimes in life you have to take the hard path. I think it will cause you more grief this way, but it really is up to you. Make sure you have friends and family around you, and be nice to yourself.

[sunglasses]

Has he even replied to your letter? I would ring him, say you have changed your mind about the date, have realised its not a good idea and that you have been putting pressure on your OH to meet up, talk etc before he is ready. Say you have said everything you need to say in your letter and you hope in his own time he can put down his own thoughts and feelings about the situation but until then he can have all the time and space he needs. You realise he must want to see his child so can ring to arrange to pick up and spend time with away from the family home and that should be your only contact until he has reached a decision about wether he wants to try again with the marriage.
Then you need to think long and hard about plan B which is the elephant in the room you have been ignoring- facing the future without your partner. Hideous and scary as that may be you need to at least start entertaining the idea that this may be a reality. And as for being sweetness and light and the person he fell in love with- do all those things but with other people. Have fun on your own, with your child, with friends and family and find out for yourself that you are this great person he can't live without. If your OH is ever going to have the same opinion he needs to work it out for himself and you know what by the time he does you might just realise he is not really good enough for you. I wish you all the best.

[skyebluesapphire]

Well, just to update you, I went out with my husband yesterday, I went out in a positive but open frame of mind, as did he. We both dressed up smart and looked nice. We went to a local beach resort, walked hand in hand on the beach, went to the arcades, played pool, got some chips and went back to his house and watched a dvd.

He seems to have changed his mindset somehow from when he walked out 4 weeks ago. He is a lot more relaxed, he was very defensive, but is now starting to open up. I think that he is now genuinely missing me, not just his daughter. We had a fantastic day, a really good laugh and it did remind us of how it can be, not how it was back before Christmas.

I have told him that we can move on and forget the past but he does have to talk to me in future, or there will be no future for us. We are going out again this week.

He seems to be coming out of whatever crisis he went in to, its going to take time, but I am prepared to give him that. This is my marriage , my story, and there is nobody else involved, I am 100% sure of that now.

[clam]

OK.
Good luck.

[midwife99]

I really hope that is the case & you end up happy whatever happens.

[waltermittymissus]

Well good luck OP. I hope you're not back here having found out there is someone else, or that he's decided to dump you again. But if you are, you'll get the advice and support you need :)

[midwife99]

Yes I'd like to add that if things don't work out no one will say told you so, we will be here to help & support you.

[malinkey]

Hmm, sounds like he's got his cake and is eating it.

[lucyellensmumnamechange]

I wish you the very best of luck, i hope it works out for you both

[izzyizin]

If only life was a beach instead of a bitch

Glad you had a good time; did you watch the dvd as a foursome or were the couple he's living with out for the evening/away for the weekend?

If you have cause to believe that he's coming out of whatever it was he went into I would suggest that, instead of making all the running, you step back and wait for him to invite you out for your next 'date'.

[midwife99]

Izzy I'm stalking you!
I agree OP - try to back off now. If he wants you he'll come & get you.

[TimeForMeAndDD]

He's not going to be in any rush to come home at this rate. 'Dating' his wife, lodging with a rather understanding couple, none of the responsibilities of a husband and father. Cushty! He's got it made!

[PooPooInMyToes]

Well if he's missing you a bit you really need to make him miss you a lot, by backing right off! You've been told this a hundred times though and its clearly not want you want to do.

You are in a lot of eyes making yourself look like a doormat though. I don't understand why you think this makes you look attractive.