Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

He is an arse.

Are you sure you want to follow an arse to the Middle East, where you won't be able to work, you won't know anyone and you'll live with an arse?

How long is trip for. I think if it's a once in life time trip, I can't blame him for going BUT he clearly needs to sort his priorities out because he is putting work and money before his family and you need to tell him how you feel.

But he was doing it for you and your child....you said he didn't know there were no kids allowed.

I realise you're stressed and hormonal but saying "I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)"

Well that's just blackmail...emotional blackmail.

Is there any way you can pay extra to take your child?

But if he really wasn't aware that children were not allowed...then I'm not sure you can blame him for going. How old is your DD? Couldn't she have stayed with your parents or Pils?

How long is the trip for? And he's in ME, so you don't live together at the moment, right? So the issue is that he went on the trip instead of coming to visit you?

Hmmm, I can see both sides.

Yours for being left at your parents whilst he jets off on a once in a lifetime opportunity, feeling cheated because you were promised a trip and haven't got it.

But at the same time, he didn't know that families were not invited, he's worked hard and presumably in the long run it all works out better for all of you because of his hard work.

Presumably he went because not to would mean you'd both miss out on a trip whereas at least now one of you (albeit him) has gone.

@worra I know, it does sound awful, I told him I wouldn't go because our daughter is only young, she has never stayed for any long period of time without us, she is not particularly close to dh's parents especially his mum and so we wouldn't have had anyone to look after her. My parents live in the next town and again I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her. But also the trip is 10 days and I felt that this is too a long time for her to be without us, especially as the motivation behind all the extra hours was the benefit for us as a family. I don't know what I am supposed to think, he said he was doing it for us and then basically did one the minute he had to make a tough choice. Maybe I am being a bitch. I don't know.

We offered to pay for our daughter but DH said he was told that kids weren't allowed whether we paid or not and thats why a few of the people that qualified chose not to go.

I think it's probably time you had your OWN life.

Honestly, your life sounds crap right now. I have no idea if you will be together in the future but right now you need a stable base, some friends, and to focus on your own health.

Sorry to drip feed, just to clarify, he was in the ME, has been for a few months, flew back to London had an overnight stopover before his flight out for this holiday which he spent at his parents because he said it would be too upsetting for DD to only see him for a few hours and for him to disappear again ( DD has been missing him lots), he also wanted to see his parents as they were missing him, he is really close them. He planning on seeing them again on his way back (another stopover) as he is worried about them. I feel like such a mug as I am typing this.

That's a bloody silly promotion isn't it?

But how old is your DD?

I can't help thinking you're getting your emotions mixed up over him going on a holiday he's put 2 years of work in to get....and deciding to move to the Middle East because you said it'll give you all a better life.

He does sound like he's doing his very best here...but equally you're not unreasonable to be stressed about the move and the new baby.

Perhaps if it wasn't for that, you'd be ok with the holiday?

you could have gone and had family look after th child. would have saved all this bother and putting guilt and pressure on your relationship.

LFC is right, you do need to have something to focus on other than 'Relationship' and 'family' - you are a person, not an appendage so stop making yourself into an accessory. You don't say how old your DD is but unless she's a toddler she might well enjoy spending some time with her GPs while you and H go away on holiday.

So when he has stopovers that last the night he doesn't come and see you both and doesn't see your DD at all?

DD will be 3 in the Summer. I think I would be ok about the holiday if I had known it was about him and his goals, he wanted to work hard and acheive this holiday, and he has done. But as a result me and DD have missed out on 2 years worth days off/weekends/evenings with him and the trade off for that was supposed to be this holiday. The whole time I argued with him about the amount of time he was spending at work I was made to feel like shit for being ungrateful because he was "doing it for us". But he wasn't- was he?

I do think my hormones are playing a large part in tyhis, but sometimes I feel very rational and in those rational moments I still thinks he's behaved like an arse

What Imperial and Laurie said. I'm confused about whether you're upset because he went on the trip, or has taken a job in ME and you don't want to go there, or he has never spent time with you because he's always working, or all of the above.

I am rather cynical, but I'm also a bit 'eh?' about him working his arse off for two years to qualify for a trip of a lifetime for which no details were given. Perhaps I am hopelessly out of touch with the world of work, but I don't know why this is attractive, or normal.

He's been away for a few months, he flew back for one night and HE DIDN'T SEE YOU OR HIS DD? Then flew off AGAIN ON A LUXURY HOLIDAY ON HIS OWN?? and to cap it all, he's NOT SEEING YOU AGAIN when he returns from the holiday for a stopover before he goes back to his job in the Middle East???.
Sorry but it sounds like you're about fourth on his list of priorities, with him being number one and two.

oogaballo this is his first time back in the UK since he left.

LFC and SGB I think you maybe right, I do feel like the little lady ( far from little at the moment) but just like I need to get a life and not be such a mug and a doormat.

The whole time I argued with him about the amount of time he was spending at work I was made to feel like shit for being ungrateful because he was "doing it for us". But he wasn't- was he?

Yes he was because he didn't know according to you.

I agree with tartyflette...you have much bigger problems than him going on a holiday he's spent two years working for.

It really does seem as if this is the straw that is breaking you.

In all seriousness a break away should not be a big deal, and if I was him I would go for it. But this comes after you have made too many sacrifices, and it is time you started to be a little bit more selfish in a good way!

It really shouldn't be taking him this long to find somewhere for you all to live together. And I feel that you need some time and energy just for yourself. Meet friends, make new friends and have something to say about YOUR day, rather than just waiting for him to get things sorted

Yes, exactly what tartyflette said - what the hell is going on? He doesn't see his own child on a stopover (never mind his wife!) because his daughter will be upset because she misses him? So he sees his own parents, whom he misses himself?

OP, you've got to get this sorted out. That man has fucked up values.

Might be worth trying
some cbt to help you figure out what you want

I don't think he is bu about the holiday. He didn't know it wasn't for all the family to be fair.
I would be more concerned about packing up and moving to the Middle East. You say it is for the best but for whom?
You have had to leave your job. You will be the one stuck at home alone, without any adult company. You will be the one (as a female) who will feel the most alien to the new culture. Precisely what benefit to you does this bring, apart from more money?
Your oh seems to view money as the be all and end all. Fine if you are both on a level playing field but clearly you are not.
This would worry me.

I sympathise.I would feel just like you do - hurt,sad and angry. A trip of a lifetime - without you? I would feel very upset,especially as all the hard work for two years was supposed to reward all of you - not just him. It sounds like your situation is very unfair. You are pregnant and vunerable,and it isn't a good time for you to be apart from one another.

I do understand that you don't want to leave your DD for 10 days. I wouldn't either.My DH and I went away when my DD was 4 and honestly, it was difficult to enjoy the holiday because I missed her very much,and whenever I spoke to her on the phone,she cried. She was with PIL and she loved them,but she missed us terribly. I'd much rather go on a family holiday and have a weekend away with DH.

Giving up a part-time job you enjoyed because of your living arrangements is an added stress - you really do need something for yourself. Can you at least go out with some friends,have a pamper day - treat yourself? I think you deserve some TLC and time out.

I think YANBU - I would feel exactly as you do.

And as for your DH not stopping in to see his DD - I think that's bloody selfish.

I hope you don't move to the middle east in these circumstances

It seems to me men who say -- "But I'm doing it all for us, for you, for the family," are lying in their teeth. They do it for themselves, because they want to and they enjoy it at the time, it validates them.
Then, years later, they moan that they missed out on their kids growing up.
Tell him that no-one in their final years wishes they had spent more time at work.
But as for living in the Middle East, I was brought up there as my father worked for an oil company for over 20 years and we had a really good life. It could work out well for you too. (but my father definitely did not spend all his time at work!)