Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

Hallo
WE have moved this thread to Relationships
All best to you
MN towers

Still no contact, naively I did think he may text to ask about Dd if nothing else.

@siilk: I know a lot of asians face racism in arab countries, also read up on what life out there can be like for sahm, but was hoping to make friends with other expat mums. I knew H would be busy work-wise. All that seems kind of irrelevent now that we are not even talking. :(

I think he's showing his true colours with this non-contact - he's really not interested in you or your DD is he?

Any chance you could speak to some solicitors/CAB today and get some information on where you stand financially? Whatever the outcome of this, information is always useful.

Take care of yourself, this is an awful time for you so remember to eat, drink lots of water and try to get some sleep - sounds obvious, but stressful situations make everything go haywire and you need your physical and mental strength to be tip-top at the moment.

"I think he's showing his true colours with this non-contact - he's really not interested in you or your DD is he?"

Yeah me too. Putting everything else aside for a moment, that just speaks volumes to me. :(

Unfortunately it does .

My DH travels for work, and quite often he's in a different time zone but he goes to extraordinary lengths to make sure he speaks to me and the kids every day, preferably by Skype so he can see them as well as hear them. I'm not trying to rub it in, but just trying to show you what happens in a normal healthy relationship.

Unfortunately with the economy the way it is people do have to take the work where they can get it, but IME someone who wants to do something will always find a way to do it.

Please start thinking of yourself now, and how you can make you and your DDs life better now, and in the future.

I think everything considered your H is a selfish idiot who does not realise the role of a father or husband.
The simple fact he spent the equivalent time to a whole other part time job and could have paid foe the holiday a couple of times over would be enough for me to question if I trusted what he was saying or not.
I understand he has actually gone on the hol but I question if he really knew about the no child thing way before. I dont think he thinks much about your DD at all and probably assumed you would just leave her behind ...or hoped you wouldnt so he could have fun without you. Im not going to say he has another woman but it would be the perfect chance to spend time with one he worked with....
I am glad you are going to stay here to have your child it would be far better for you mentally to have the support of your parents as I dont think you would have any support really in the Me

I posted last night but it went poof! along with many other posts!

I think you should text your dh one more time. Tell him that you need to talk extensively on his return to UK so you expect him to come to you and not his parents, or you will have to reconsider your future together. Do not respond to anything he may text in return. Make your stand now.

Then spend the time between now and then working out what you want from your marriage and your life and how he fits in. You need also to decide what your boundaries are. Where you draw the line. What is acceptable to you and what isn't. When he comes, you can then tell him clearly and concisely what you expect from him. Be firm. Do be prepared to negotiate a bit, but know where you stop and make sure he knows too.

Of course, if he doesn't turn up then you are better off without him.

I hope this ends well for you.

I dont want to text him because I know he expects me too, I feel like i would be playing into his hands- which sounds like game playing, i suppose it is. But he was the one that dismissed me when I tried to talk to him. I havent gone anywhere, he knows exactly where I am. I have spent the last few days feeling like shit,crying in secret but every day that has gone by without any contact has made it that much easier to believe he really doesnt care all that much about me, new baby n dd. I think I need believe that right now,cos all of his actions and behaviour are pointing towards that.

I do want to make my marriage work and of course I love him, but the way he has behaved (especially the whole no contact thing/dismissal) has shocked me into realising he needs to want this as much as I do otherwise im just prolonging the inevitable.

Not even sure if the above makes any sense?

Don't text him if you don't want to. But if you want him to meet you when he's back in the UK, you might have to, otherwise you will in limbo for weeks.

I would just text something along the lines of "I'm very disappointed you haven't contacted me. I am not going to play games with you. This whole situation needs to be sorted out. We need to meet when you fly back into the UK"

I agree with QuickLookBusy. If you continue to hide your head in the sand and dont text him he will be back in the ME and it will be weeks before you get to see him and talk, weeks of you getting more and more wound up and distressed, meanwhile he is totally unaware of how you are feeling.
Find some strength and meet him to talk to him

I absolutely understand why you don't want to text him again. At the same time, I think he isn't expecting to text him except to beg, plead or apologise, which is not what I am advocating. I think he might be surprised if you send him a stern text telling him that his future hangs in the balance, and may shock him into thinking sensibly about his expectations of you etc. of course, if he doesn't respond then you know for certain where you stand.

I wouldn't text him. Why should you? He's off on his holidays, whilst you're pregnant and caring for a small child. Why isn't he contacting you to ask how you are? No way would I contact him - phones work both ways.

I would, though, be planning how to get my house back - what are your tenants like? What sort of contract did you give them?

Goodness me. The only thing I would send to Kuwait, would be divorce papers. What a selfish horrid man.

Haven't read the whole thread, only your posts OP (sorry)

This is the way I see it: here's a guy who is working for a shit company who drive them like donkeys . He wants it all, he's got £ signs for eyes - the work culture he's in probably fosters that. yy he's in debt but imo he's looking for the Big Time - or the Big Dosh. To prove himself.

ME just too good to pass up, will sort everything out in one fell swoop. He's probably in quite a blokey atmosphere in work = Making It Big; his business failed (that will smart - he will see that he's got some catching up to do? as he's in for the Big Success..). He's worked his arse of for not much reward imo for this trip and he's bally well going to take it. He probably thinks he can fudge it (with you), then come back and be the dutiful husband to make up for it.

I don't think you're being a mug. He is responsible for his parents' finances - a heavy burden, he's trying to fly with one foot nailed to the ground. He's straining on all levels and, here's the thing: when push comes to shove, you come further down the list. His parents come first, Making It Big comes joint first second, you and dd (and bump) come after that. Cultural imo. yy all asian families are different but this looks cultural to me. Plus he's dead set on being the Big Shot Rich Guy.

BUT (big but), although I don't think he is being quite as much of an arse as he appears, the fact that you are incandescent with rage suggests you've got to pay attention to that. He's got this wrong imo but he's going to ignore that, put it/you on a pause button to be dealt with later. He probably knows on some level that he's got it wrong but imo he is under a great deal of pressure - legitimate as well as self-inflicted - and you've fallen off the list (for now). He'll slot you away in his blind spot so he can have a good time on his paid for with blood well-earned holiday.

You don't sound too phased by the jaunt in the ME? But he has been shoddy towards you - not intentional but shoddy nonetheless - and things are going to have to change on some level. I don't know how you're going to get his attention, as he appears to only listen to what he wants to listen to (probably thinks you don't understand).

Just as an aside: he's the type who'll drop dead at 40 from hard work and stress. These driven types, how do you get through to them?

ps get some sleep! You're probably tearful because you're out of your head with too-little sleep. With all the goings on, look after yourself so you're on top of everything. Don't stay up late

pot/kettle (black)

When is he back in the UK?

Agree with springydaffs. She has some good points. Especially about work/success driven men (or women). But the bottom line is when you ask them why they are so driven they will say (and believe) it is for their DW and DCs, though it doesn't look that way to others.