Aibu to be so, so angry and hurt by DH's decision (long, sorry)

[coodymow]

I am not a regular poster although I am always lurking. However, I am so upset at the moment and I don?t know if I have a right to be or if I am just being emotional and hormonal. I will try and keep this to the point and hope you have the patience to read it.

DH has left me and DD to go on a luxury (once in a life time) all expenses paid trip with his former employers (it was a promotion he qualified for whilst still working for them). The reason I have not gone is because children are not allowed and its couples or singles only. This was not stated whilst the promotion was on-going, in fact the details about the trip were hidden until those that qualified were announced.

DH has spent most days off/weekends and evenings over the last 2 years putting in the legwork to meet the targets for this trip. We have argued so much over the fact he wasn?t spending time with me and dd, and all he used to say was he was doing this for me and dd, for us as a family so that we could have this amazing once in a lifetime holiday etc. etc. A few of his colleagues that qualified have chosen not to go as it?s during term time, no childcare for the kids and also because they didn?t want to leave their kids behind whilst they went on holiday. I told him I wouldn?t go if it meant leaving dd behind, also told him I wouldn?t stop him from going but if he did go it would leave me in no doubt what was more important to him (i.e. not our relationship or family)

DH no longer works for this company and has recently started a job in the middle east which has meant, packing up and storing all of our belongings, renting our lovely house out, me and dd going to live with his parents (challenging, as they can barely be civil to me at times) whilst we wait for him to find us somewhere to live and join him out there in the next few months. I also found out I was pregnant just before he left which has added to the tension around the house as frankly I have felt like shit most of the time and my bullshit threshold was a lot lower than it usually is.

We recently left my in-laws to come stay with my family as it was getting too much and the daily comments were upsetting me so much I used to cry myself to sleep (hormones?). Me and dd are currently living out of suitcase, in my parent?s spare bedroom whilst waiting to join husband in the Middle East. I wasn?t happy but agreed to the move as it was better money and prospects than what he was on here. I also worked part time in a job I loved but had to give that up due to having to move to my parents? house which is another town. All in all the last few months have been very stressful.

I am so, so angry at him I can barely mention his name without bursting into tears (of anger and frustration). I feel like a fucking doormat/mug, aibu unreasonable for not expecting him to go without his family? Am I mug for believing him when he said he was doing this for us? Or am I a just crazed hormonal pregnant woman who isn?t thinking straight? I am so tempted to text him and just tell him what a fucking arse he is for going without us.

It's just utterly bizarre that someone would work nights and weekends for two years, just for a 10 day trip.

Even if he did think it was for the whole family, why would you miss so much of your little baby's life, for a trip she won't even remember?

And who gives up a chance to see their wife and daugther for the first time in months?

I'm really sorry OP but he sounds like a total arse. I think following him to the Middle East would be a real disaster, do you want to be so isolated and alone when you're pregnant and having a baby?

I think you should give notice to your tenants and move back to your lovely home. Given that he's such a workaholic and unsupportive arse, you'd be better off staying at home and having him work away, rather than you all going out there.

Also, stop blaming everything on hormones!

You have really legitimate reasons to be upset here.

The bit I don't understand issacrificing two years worth of family time for a ten day holiday even if you were all going on it. That's your dd's entire life nearly. ESP that he's away al the time.
I don't know. It may be serious talk time before you uproot everything to go to ME when things will very much be on his terms

You may as well not see him here as not see him there.

And no, in your place I wouldn't have left my child to go on holiday - I wouldn't have enjoyed it at all.

I agree with everthing that Dreaming has said.
Are you absolutely sure that he is travelling alone? Sorry to raise this issue but I really cannot see why anyone would sacrifice so much just for a 10 day trip, which they are going on alone.

How good is this holiday??? Two years with no details given days off, evenings and weekends? I'd be questioning if getting paid overtime for the time put in wouldn't have just bought the holiday for you all. I also find it highly unlikely that such a fundamental rule such as "no kids" was ever communicated.

Sales promotions have legal requirement even inside employer ones sonthey would have had to publish the terms and conditions I think. Sounds all a bit dodgy to me including the not seeing your dd even for a few hrs so yanbu. But you do need some couples counselling before making a massive move to the ME.

Hmm. I'm not sure I understand why he would have to work all evenings and weekends for 2 years to be able to go on a 10 day holiday. It just doesn't seem plausible, tbh.

Its taken this long for us to go out there because not only does he need to find us somehwere to live, but we need to go on a family visa, and that can't be applied for until he gets all his paperwork sorted out, which he just namaged to do before he left for his holiday. He has said he will sort out ours the minute he gets back.

I do know he worked hard and at times I feel v unfair for begrudging him "his" reward, but I also feel me and DD have had so much upheaval in the last few months. Money is v importnt to him, mainly cos we have very little and debts up to our eyeballs, we are also financially responsible for hs parents and their home, that's 2 mortgages on his middle income. This job in the ME is tax free and equates to almost 3 times his salary here.

I read up a lot about the country we are going to, its liberal for the ME however it does seem rather boring for the women and they all seem to either congregate at beach clubs or charity fundraisers.

X post dreaming bohemian

Wow typos, tired!

I agree that it may not be the best idea to move out there when you are feeling so angry and resentful and there are so many issues here. It doesn't sound like it would be very good for you at all- you might as well stay here for now rather than removing yourself from your family and friends and going to live in a place where you know no one.

It may be a good idea for him to take the job, if you need the money so badly. That doesn't mean it's a good idea for you to go as well.

Lots of families have one partner working away, it can work.

I totally agree with Imperial, if you're never going to see him anyway, you would be much better off being at home with at least some support and familiar surroundings.

Also, how pregnant are you? Are you sure you can get all the immigration and everything sorted before it's too late for you to fly?

When I wrote he had been working weekends and evenings and days off I didnn't mean all of them (although it felt like it at the time) 4/5 evenings out of 7 and one day during the weekend. Chasing up clients and call backs at home and at weekends. According to husband and some of his colleagues details of the trip weren't given, however this is pretty much a regular thing, like every couple of years they have this big fancy all out, amazing shmazing holiday, previous ones have included cruises and far eastern trips and all sorts. The details about where and when were released when the names of those that qualified were. I agree with all of you who have said that it sounds dodge that the fact that children weren't allowed was never mentioned earlier.

He is travelling with colleagues nationwide that qualified,mostly couples, some I am aware of (have met at various do's) some I am not. I don't think there is another woman involved, but have to be honest and say after reading a recent thread on here about a bloke wanting to go to Thailand on a stag do now I am not so sure. He hasn't gone to Thailand btw.

Think it's totally plausible the trip didn't include kids and that it is couples/singles only going, it's unlikely it's another woman, I just question the fact he didn't know or ask then used "it's for the family" as a selfish excuse.

I just think you need a very very very long conversation on your feelings, long distance discussions never work and he needs to make time for that rather than go to his parents for the stopover.

dreamingbohemian I am almost 17 weeks.

I can't move back into our house as DH can't afford to pay the mortgage and pay rent in ME and pay for his parents Mortgage, thats why we were all going to go, as it worked out cheaper to have us all living there, rent paid on our home here and support his parents, and still be able to save money. I am kinda up shit creak where the living arrangements are concerned. I can always continue to stay with my folks. But it isn't my home anymore and hasn't been for a long time (as lovely as they- and they really are), it just doesn't feel right. If I stayed in the uk I would either have to live with my folks or his (never!)

Is this no kids rule a new one then? If it's changedd from previous years!

Please excuse typos and inappropriate punctuation. Bf. Int and on crappy phone@

If I'd worked 4/5 evenings out of 7 and one day during the weekend for two years you can bet your bottom dollar I'd want more than a 10 day holiday for it.
So he did all that work yet didn't even know the details of what he was working for - like no children?
He doesn't come to see you and dd because only a few hours may upset her?

Sorry, but he's not being honest with you. Warning bells.

I think it's crazy that you (as a couple) are paying his parents' mortgage, especially when things are so difficult for you financially.

I would also be furious that he has been out of the country and is using his stopover time to see his parents instead of you, and is planning to visit them AGAIN on his way back.

The real issue here seems to be whether you and your DD are first on his list of priorities, as someone above said. And whether you are making JOINT decisions as a family about your lives, or whether he is making them on his own.

I don't know all the details about the previous years holidays they may or may not have included families, all I know is that they have been very expensive and exclusive (husbands words not mine)

Would you consider staying in the UK at least until you've had your baby?

Have you done the math on his salary yourself? If he's really making 3 x his salary, then it doesn't sound crazy that he could continue to pay your UK expenses plus a small apartment just for him.

If you know what he earns per hour work out what that holiday for himself - not for his family, himself - has actually cost him (besides his wife).

to everyone saying about the no kids/working all hours - it sounds dodge now and it sounded dodge then and we argued over it many many times, tbh I thought it was just a con to get some extra work out of them all ,had doubts whether he would qualifiy, but he did. I would think it was dodgy/another woman/boys only type of trip if I didn't know some of the other people going, I can see from some of their facebooks that they are there (with their spouse/partners)

I agree with us needing a chat, I feel like texting him now, but not sure that would be wise and I am bound to sound like some mad harpy .

Well the extra work may not have been for the holiday per se, rather for extra regard within the company, of which the holiday is just a symbol.

Even if the trip is totally legit he's there with other colleagues it's still totally bizarre that someone would sacrifice so much family time for a 10 day trip.

4/5 nights a week and one weekend day? That's crazy.